Does your hair need a new hue?
Don’t spend upwards of $120 every six weeks to get tinfoil wrapped around your head while you eavesdrop on the conversations of rich people and sip glasses of sparkling water with cucumber!
No, I stopped doing that years ago when things like mortgages took priority over foils and fancy dye jobs. My solution? Think inside the box—as in, the box of at-home hair color.
Not only is it economical, but it’s also simple to do!
- Wait for coupon so I can save $2 on the $7 box of hair color.
- Spend 20 minutes in the store trying to figure out what color to choose.
- Eliminate anything permanent or that takes longer than 10 minutes (fear of commitment and lack of patience.)
- Choose one that washes out in 28 washings. Figure that can be stretched out for what, 3 months or so?
- Come home and leave box of hair color in the closet a minimum of two weeks due to laziness.
- Realize it’s getting ridiculous and prepare to execute dye job.
- Place old towel over the sink and put on shirt I don’t have to lift over my head.
- Open box and grab plastic gloves, pull the top of the glove away from my arm and let it snap back into place like I’m about to perform open-heart surgery.
- Dump contents of bottle 1 into bottle 2 and shake before reading the instructions.
- Unleash a string of profanity at the confusion over reading the instructions.
- Flip instructions over to the English version.
- Adjust bathroom mirror so I can see all sides of my head.
- Notice every stray eyebrow hair I need to pluck out and that the cabinet needs to be cleaned.
- After spending 10 minutes plucking the eyebrow and wiping out the cabinet, start applying color to hair.
- OH MY GOD IS THAT A BLONDE HAIR OR A GRAY HAIR!
- Pluck suspect strand out of head.
- Get hair color on white sink when trying to throw suspect strand in the sink.
- Sigh. Take off glove and wipe down sink and, of course, the rest of the counter.
- Finish squirting on the dye, carefully take off gloves and throw them away.
- Unleash a string of profanity when dropping the glove in the sink.
- Remind myself that I’m why I can’t have nice things.
- Re-clean sink.
- Put on the shower cap and feel like a surgeon again.
- GAH! Note that a surgeon wouldn’t have a neck, ears and forehead covered in smudges of dark color.
- Grab wet paper towel and feverishly start scrubbing at the dye on my head.
- Realize I forgot to set the timer. Crap. How long have I been scrubbing my head?
- After a quick approximation, set timer.
- Wipe dye off the kitchen timer.
- Get distracted by something shiny or bright until the timer goes off.
- Wonder why I set the kitchen timer.
- Scratch head, take note of aforementioned shower cap and head back to shower.
- Gently rinse out hair color, turn around to grab the shampoo and…
- OH MY GOD THE WHITE SHOWER IS COVERED IN BLACK HAIR COLOR!
- Unleash a string of profanity when faced with the realization I’ll have to change the shower curtain liner again.
- Lather and rinse.
- Wipe off shower tile with my hand in effort to “spot clean” the thing.
- Try and remember whether or not I’ve already shampooed by hair.
- Rinse again as precautionary measure.
- Wrap towel around head and head upstairs to dry out my hair.
- Collapse on the bed in exhaustion.
It’s hard work being a diva.
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