Grocery Girl Gone Wild

There are some things that you can’t “unsee,” and the naked body of a local grocery store cashier on display in the gym locker room is one of those things. But let me explain the context of this situation, as I think I need to talk myself through this difficult time.

Unless you’re new here, you know that my usual swinging single gal hangouts include the gym, the grocery storeand the retirement home of my grandma. Most of the cashiers at the store are familiar with my presence and I know which lanes go quickly/allow me to sneak expired coupons and which to avoid.

This particular cashier is probably somewhere between the ages of 23-27 and what I would describe as…comfortably awkward? She seems really nice but slightly misguided as evidenced by questionable fashion accessories from the ‘90s and clumsy lane conversation.

Anyway, I go through her lane if it’s open because she’s been there forever and knows to hand me my change with all the dollar bills facing the same exact way, so she’s a winner in my book, regardless of whether or not she’s wearing a snap bracelet and hair scrunchie.

A couple weeks ago I walked into the gym and saw her on a treadmill. Now this was a surprising turn of events and I felt my worlds collide—grocery girl at the gym?—and had to do a double take. She did the same thing and gave an awkward half-wave thing that I reciprocated while pondering the fact that I never took her to be a runner, but apparently she is.

I’ve seen her at the gym a couple times in passing since that point and once or twice at the store, but recently things got a bit tricky.

After ogling Hot Gym Guy for an appropriate amount of time—somewhere between “gets the heart rate up to cardio level” and “remember about the restraining order”—I walked to the locker room and opened the door. The first thing I saw was boobs, which caused me to avert my eyes down only to be greeted with cooter.

Momentarily glancing up, I saw a look on her face akin to a buck naked deer in the headlights as she stopped wiping down with a towel. For a minute I thought she was the weirdo girl who does kung fu moves by herself in the bathroom that told me she suspects the spider on the floor is a peeping pervert, but then I noticed this girl’s legs weren’t hairy, which is a glaring characteristic of Kung Fu Spider-Girl.

Anyway, she quickly tried to cover up with a towel and finish her drying procedures while I made my way to the locker, which of course was positioned directly next to the only other person in the locker room — naked grocery girl.

We both just went about our business and then thankfully someone else walked in, so my efforts to avoid conversation were quickly passed like a baton back to her.

But as I walked out to my car, I wondered how this would change our relationship. Would she still make awkward small talk if I went through her lane? Could I use this as blackmail those times she didn’t allow an old coupon?

I think I’ll just play it safe and choose a new lane. I just know too much at this point.

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37 responses to “Grocery Girl Gone Wild

  1. I just love that you said boobs and cooter.

    I appreciate when people face bills the same way also…

    • Well, more so for her than for me. I’m a “shower at home” kind of girl, especially because I live 1/4 mile away from the gym. Thank god.

  2. Boy I am missing all the fun working out at home.
    Next time you check out I’d just greet her with “HEY SUGAR TITS!”

  3. My wife and I laughed hard at your tweet about this. Thank God none of the naked men I see in my gym have I ever seen outside the lockerroom.

    I’m with amy, I say give her a head nod and finger gun *tsk tsk* and call her sugar tits

    • It’s always weird to see people outside the gym anyway. Just the other day I ran into a guy from the gym and he said, “It’s weird to see you with clothes on.” Of course he meant work clothes and not gym clothes, but that kind of takes on a new meaning…

  4. I won’t talk about the time I went to the gym with my ex-husband’s almost-lesbian 26-yr old daughter.

    Hey look something shiny over there!

  5. “only to be greeted with cooter.” HAHAHAHA!!! How about a wink and a blown kiss next time you’re shopping? Maybe that would get everyone back to normal?

  6. I wouldn’t be able to make eye contact EVER EVER EVER again.
    Plus I love your verbage…. cooter… best way to avoid a “crude” word I have ever seen.

  7. You poor thing! Nudity in locker rooms is no big deal until there is someone you vaguely know. Witty post! I enjoyed this.

    • Thanks! I realize locker rooms are made for nakedness, but yeah…it’s kind of weird when you kind of know them but not past a grocery lane level. I’m fine, but she might be a bit traumatized.

  8. Once you’ve been greeted by boobs and cooter, there is really nowhere else to take that relationship. I’m assuming she has quit and moved to another town and grocery store by now. It’s probably best.

  9. Oh….’cooter’ is plenty crude…LOL! At least her vaJJ wasn’t bedazzled or something…

  10. Oh Abby, so funny. I think you should face your fears and hop right in her line. Put the tampons right up front as a peace offering.

  11. No. You must own this. Just go through her lane every time now and act like it never happened — except you need to always be giving her this look that’s like “I’VE SEEN YOU. ALL OF YOU.”

    See how “comfortably awkward” she is after that.

  12. Next time you’re in the store, go to cash with nothing but two melons.

  13. Maybe you should find a new gym. And a new grocery store, It may be time to move to a whole new town!

    • Heck no! I’ve been going to both for almost 20 years. I would basically have to walk around both naked in order for me to switch gears 😉

  14. How in heck have I never heard of you before now? I just finished You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth and am still snickering every time I see the cover. Glad to see your “every day” issues are just as friggin’ funny!

  15. I love you for being as anal as I am about dollar bills. Perhaps you should have offered her one after the money shot? 😉

  16. Oh no; two worlds collide. I would absolutely avoid her lane going forward. You do know too much now. You might want to switch grocery stores altogether.

  17. This reminds me of how weird it used to feel seeing school teachers in the grocery store as a kid. Brought on excitement and strange embarrassment seeing them out of their element. Funny story You should go straight to her lane and look her dead in the eye and face the awkwardness! 🙂

    • It’s always weird seeing someone out of their element-and their clothes. I saw her again the other night and she was getting out of the shower but I never made eye contact. I think we’re good. Ugh.

  18. We may or may not be soul sisters. I once walked in on my childhood nanny filming a sexy semi nude video for her special amigo back in Mexico. Check out my site http://www.hautemesslife.com

  19. yep, absolutely no “unseeing” that. I’m not prudish or overly modest myself, but because she wasn’t really a “friend” or “my sister”…I would feel that way too. “I know too much” I’d never be able to meet her eyes again. LOL

  20. such an awkward situation. Eventually it will blow over though.

  21. Count yourself lucky. I’ve had some locker room experiences that make that pale by comparison.
    I can think of at least three locker room room run-ins that I’ve had that were more awkward. Well, at least to me, anyway.

    The first was when I was 11 years old and I (Wearing a bathing suit) showered next to my fully naked sixth grade teacher, carrying on a conversation at the same time.

    The second was when I was around 13 or 14 years old, and I had a conversation with my best friends naked mom.

    The third time was just last year when my daughters 14 year old babysitter showered nude in front of my daughter and I.

    • Oh, trust me. I’ve had some other awkward locker room/bathroom/naked experiences myself (although thankfully, I was always the one wearing clothes.) This one was just…unique. I haven’t seen her since…

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