Pedestrian Crossing

While I hate to curse things, I think it’s safe to say that spring has finally sprung in these parts.

im-gonna-need-like-3-gallons-of-nair

This means a) the eternal battle with the woodchuck in my yard has begun b) I can take walks without coming home and molesting the space heater and c) it won’t be long now until I start complaining about how hot it is.

But first I’m going to complain about something else related to point “b” above —assholes who drive cars and shouldn’t drive cars because they’re assholes who don’t respect the rights of pedestrians.

Pardon my language, but this pedestrian is rather PO’d.

Picture this scenario: A lovely 30-something year old woman is enjoying a walk in the fresh air, probably composing a wonderful blog post in her head that she’ll immediately forget the second she makes it back home.

The next thing you know, some Catholic school kid blasting vulgar rap out of his janky-ass car drives by and honks and/or yells something that no one on Earth can understand. However, the noise still scares the crap out of the lovely 30-something-year-old woman powerwalking up the street.

Why is that a thing?

While I’ve been known to yell at stupid drivers in their cars, the only time I might feel compelled to yell out of my car at a complete stranger walking on the street is if a bear was about to attack them. Even then, I might wait and see what develops from that situation first.

Now I know what you’re thinking: It’s probably because the lovely 30-something-year-old woman is hot and doing some sort of sexy cougar catwalk, drawing attention of all who pass by.

Not so much.

Those days are well in the past. Plus, age knows no bounds with douchebag driver behavior, as you get it from older guys, too (which really just makes it more sad.) And if you think I’m picking on men, let me throw out another scenario that happens with both of the sexes.

A lovely 30-something year old woman is enjoying a walk in the fresh air, creating stressful scenarios in her head of events that will probably never actually happen.

She approaches a stop sign, sees the coast is clear and proceeds to step into the street. All of a sudden someone driving while talking on their phone rolls up and through the stop sign, almost running over our Polish pedestrian.

News flash: Waving, nervously smiling and mouthing “sorry” does not help when you almost make me a hood ornament. One of these times I might throw myself onto the hood of your car and create a dramatic scene, just to freak you out.

Don’t doubt the extent of my crazy.

My point is that a windshield is not a force field of invincibility, and being inside a car does not mean you are outside the realm of normal social conventions. When approaching pedestrians, do not yell or repeatedly honk, and WE SEE YOU PICKING YOUR NOSE.

If you feel the need to verbally express yourself while operating a motor vehicle, might I suggest car karaoke? A few verses of “Dancing Queen” or Rage Against the Machine will surely exercise your lungs and your demons without leaving pedestrians crossed or imbedded in the grill of your car.

I think that’s a win-win for all.

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24 responses to “Pedestrian Crossing

  1. I cross at an intersection a couple of times a day…there’s definitely an art to it, because people are assholes. Those dbags who are making lefts/rights do not give a shit about me.

  2. Love the sexy cougar catwalk. I can see it now.

  3. I will never forget the time my mother was (apparently) driving too slow to suit the driver behind her, so he blared (out of a BULLHORN that he’d rigged up on the top of his car) “Fuck you, lady!” for all the world to hear. And then cut her off. Niiice.

  4. Oh My! You just read my mind!
    Cars & pedestrians,its not a day when somebody doesn`t cuts us off or almost drives over! Now when they do that I say “God Bless you” out loud & mumbling, payback is a b*ch in back of my mind 😀 Sometimes I still flip with my hands in the air and call them A-hole. I value mine and my babies life, you should do the same! I have all the rights to be mad! Oh! And Sexy cougar walk (all that hip swing,catwalk stuff) does not help it either as there are women idiots driving too (on the phone,nail polish,lipstick and what else knows when that b**ch almost runs us over doing a left turn!) I seriously work on not to ruin my walk by such people, but my amazement of rude idiots has no limits 😀

  5. In all fairness, I’ve almost hit more people singing/seat dancing to “Dancing Queen” than being on my phone…

  6. First of all, this mad me laugh out loud for the first time all week(you know what kind of week I had). Second, it scares the hell out of me now that I know how many idiots have nearly killed ya. Love ya scumbag!

  7. When we were younger my cousins and I played our version of the game Chicken- we’d lean out the window and BAWK as loud as we could at bicyclists who were ignoring the bike path and instead rode in the middle of a car lane, just to see if we could startle them. Um, this probably does not endear my teenage self to your pedestrian self…nevermind…

    • Actually, I get equally annoyed with those who don’t follow the pedestrian rules. If there’s a bike path, use the bike path!

  8. You know, it’s weird: No one ever yells things out of their car at me. Like, never. And this is weird because I’m kind of a magnet for weird people. If I’m at the store or the gym or church or wherever, guaranteed that the mentally unbalanced person in the room will attach themselves to me. (Which is fine, frankly, because I love weird people and I’m kinda mentally unbalanced myself which means the convo will be entertaining). But yeah, back to your point: Totally agree with you about the cars! Our street doesn’t even have sidewalks so it’s like both the city planners and the idiots are conspiring to kill me.

    • I hate when there are no sidewalks. I know what I’m doing, but who knows what weirdo driver will come flying up.

      And maybe the rude yelling is a regional thing and you live in a much more polite neighborhood 😉

  9. Living in L.A. means I still have to run for my life at every street crossing. This was hilarious thank you:)

  10. Note to driver: You may get 10 points for scaring a pedestrian, but you get deductions for dents on the hood/door from an overly dramatic “victim” who can’t help flailing about…and has no problem making you a little tardy to pick up your toddler.
    Rude people!

  11. Now that spring is here, my eternal battle with the woodpecker across the street has started. Have you ever really heard a woodpecker in person? It sounds like someone hammering nails at all hours of the morning, the daytime, and into the night. I swear he’s got a whole litter of woodpecker kids just pecking around the clock. Bastard pecker.
    One of my favorite lines: WE SEE YOU PICKING YOUR NOSE. I don’t understand this one at all and yet it happens all the time. Do they think the car makes them invisible?

  12. I always forget this rule when I’m rocking out to Technotronic in my car. It’s probably best they don’t see me, but they do. Sadly, they do.

    But I can seriously “Pump up the Jam.”

    • I always want to pull up to a car and see someone singing and dancing like a fool, like so many other cars who pull up next to me get to see…

  13. I always feel a special can of madness is hidden inside each car, which changes all who drive in them

  14. Right before Tay left for prom last week she told her mom, “I’m not going to shave my legs. My dress is long enough.” That kid’s the best isn’t she?

    I was ignorant of pedestrians until I went to college. My campus at Alabama was such that you could walk EVERYWHERE and parking was a pain so I became all “hey look at me I’m a full-time pedestrian. Why my legs never got broken is beyond me.

  15. when I turned driving age, I was living in the (small-ish) town I grew up in. More than a handful of times I found myself at a stop light next to my best friend’s dad in his car… I’d look over and he would be picking his nose… EVERY TIME. my reactions varied from looking away, embarrassed for him, to rolling down the window and yelling his name, because I know HE wouldn’t be embarrassed, why should I?

    I feel like if I drove through that town tomorrow I’d come upon the exact same scenario.

  16. The problem is that half the time someone is talking on his or her phone or worse, texting. I think crossing the street is entirely at your own risk. It sucks! As far as the teenagers with the loud music, they frighten me. Wow, I sound like a crotchety old man.

  17. We have a sidewalk in front of our new house so every time I back out of the driveway I’m terrified I’m going to mow someone or something down. I’d hate to think I was also interrupting their worrying on top of everything else.

  18. You know what’s the worst? When you’re crossing the street ON A GREEN LIGHT (walking) and some a-hole from the left-turn lane decides to turn on their green light without looking up first. Every. Single. Day. I almost become a Polish pancake. Of course, when this happens and the car stops a mere two inches from my ankles, I always slow the eff down and graze the rest of the intersection, sometimes stopping to dig for some obscure object “that I just need to have right this moment” in my purse. If you’re going to rush and almost kill me, I’m going to make you wait longer. I also yell.

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