Perishable Puns

It started off simple enough with this lame Facebook status:

perishable puns

To put it in a nutshell, people relished the update and even mustard up the strength to ketchup with me and contribute to the fray (there was mushroom for improvement.) So that simple update planted the seed for this post, a series of perishable personal ads you probably won’t find on Craig’s List.

Dig in.


Hi. I’m Herb. I’ve been hurt before, but I’m gingerly throwing my caraway and trying to find love one more thyme. While I’m no sage, chive got a feeling that if we share some common interests—conversation peppered with laughs, the desire to curry on a new friendship—thistle work and we’ll become the pesto friends.


Born and bread in Coloradough, I’m just a simple guy wondering what I am doughing here. My past attempts at dating have gone a-rye, and I’ve found myself in seedy bars with weirdoughs thinking, “I donut belong here.” But I figured I kneaded to try this again, and placing an ad was the yeast I could do. I’m looking for someone to loaf around with who is willing to go against the grain, roll with the punches and rise to any occasion. If this is you, please reply and I will millet over.


Well-cultured woman looking for a gouda time with a minimal margarine for error. It a curd to me that I in no whey deserve to settle for less than jam-packed excitement—which is a nice way of pudding it—so the more spontaneous you are, the butter. I cannoli imagine the fun we will have!


Single chick with chili disposition looking to stop floundering around. Past dating experiences have been offal, dare I say the wurst, and I won’t make that missed steak again! I’m accident prawn with a bit of a fowl mouth, but would love to meat someone who I can bacon for companionship and fun. If that sounds like ewe, carpe diem!


I yam hoping this ad will produce some grate replies, as I’m tired of medi-okra dates with men who think a huge celery means we make a great pear. Bean there, done that and sometimes I wonder why I even carrot all. But if you march to the beet of your own drum, lettuce meet and see what might turnip.


I know. I know. Any way you slice it, these are corny and I falafel about how cheesy they are. But don’t worry…I won’t milk this anymore.

That’s a wrap.

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26 responses to “Perishable Puns

  1. Actually I think they are brilliant and could read a load more. Dating is a brilliant mix of hope and cynicism

  2. Do you have certain words or phrases that are inextricably linked in your mind, so you can say one without thinking the other? I can’t say, “I mean it!” without following up with, “Anybody want a peanut?” for example. Enter: mushroom for improvement. I love it. It’s part of who I am now. Every time, from here on out, I say “much room” I’ll be thinking fungi.

  3. These are so ingenious. I enjoyed each of them.

  4. Bahah these are adorable. I want to eat all of these.

  5. This Is brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! I shared it on Facebook because I loved it so much and I’m pretty sure my mom will pee her pants when she reads it. Just a little. She does have control of her bladder.

    I could never be this creative or clever. Love it!

  6. I am still laughing, this kind of exchange is too much fun and creative.
    thanks for the giggle!!! 🙂
    (as always you make my day so much brighter!!)

  7. Omg lmao this is so awesome. Made my day. I need to put the veggie one on my pof account lol

  8. These are perfect. PERFECT.

  9. And once again, in the words of Rob Reiner’s mom, “I’ll have what you’re having.” Love, love, love the way your mind works, my friend. Just the fun distraction I needed to start my day.

  10. I would totally relish meating you in person, you hot dog, you. I’ve bun to lots of places so we would have scallions of things to talk about. Coke we do it soon?

  11. Ewe filet me Abby

  12. Holy mackerel! The perch is over, ladies, because I am the manta for you. I know you’ve probably had a whale of a time floundering through the dating pool, but cod willing, it’s all over now and I’ll be the one to smelt your heart and enter your sole. Let’s get together and krill some time. you know…just for the halibut.

  13. you are a creative genius – I love this! thanks for the smiles today, I cannot wait to show these to Dad, he loves this kind of funny. ❤

  14. I am crying laughing at ALL OF THESE!

  15. Don’t stop now! You’re on a roll. Pure cuisine d’art.

  16. Just for the halibat, I fished around the web for other puns and when I fin-ished I realized what shark whit you have. I hope you’re herring me and not just fishing for compliments but I think you’re a whale of a good reedfish, abs.

  17. Too funny! You are so good at this kind of thing. Thanks for the laugh.

  18. So witty! The mushroom status is one of my favorites.

  19. Clever! You have a good ear. (I came from A Mother Life’s HumpDay HookUp.)

  20. PUNderful post!

  21. I loves me some good pun and this was excellent pun!

  22. How creative!! Loved it!

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