A Raw Deal

Now I don’t want to curse anything, especially seeing as I haven’t heard back yet, but I think there’s a really good chance my ship might have finally come in, my friends.

While I was perusing Craig’s List, I came upon an ad that, well, I guess I should let it speak for itself. 

(Reprinted exactly as listed, despite grammatical errors that make me twitchy. But with fate, one can’t be picky!)

Hello,

We are hiring for a one-time professional model for one evening. We will be celebrating a birthday and we will have Sushi Chefs carve the most delicate and fattiest Tuna there is right before our eyes, we’ll be pouring the most satisfying sake, and all we need left is YOU. A beautiful, yet professional model who we will eat SUSHI off of.

It’s simple. You come to our designated location. You undress. Get one the table. We will cover your goodies with bamboo leaves so no it’s not full nude. Our chefs who we also hired will be preparing sushi and plating directly on your body. We will eat and dine for approx no more than 2 hours. It will be awesome! If you’re interested please email back with an attached photo of yourself.

Pay is negotiable but we will start at $100/hr + travel expenses/accomodations, heck you can take the leftover sushi home with you!

sushiad

Actual picture they included in the ad.

I was a little hesitant at first, but the fact they offer to cover my “goodies” with bamboo was a nice gesture. However, what really sold me was that not only will it be “awesome,” but heck! I can take the leftover sushi home with me!

Never mind the fact I’m not a professional model—details, details—I felt compelled to reply with a couple questions I had.

(Email reprinted exactly as sent, despite erroneous description of my concave chest region. But again, one can’t be picky!)

Konnichiwa!

I came across your Craig’s List ad for a sushi model and before I send you my picture, I was wondering if you could answer a couple of questions.

Because I’m rather large in the chest region, how will that work when I’m lying down? My large breasts will most likely flop to the sides, and I would hate for any of the expensive sushi product to be wasted. I was thinking that perhaps each boob could be propped up on the sides with a chopstick?

Also, have you considered what might happen if the model were to sneeze? Do you have a backup supply of sushi in case this incident occurs?

It’s not that I’m prone to sneezing, but the last time I was used as a human buffet, pepper was spilled. I don’t think I have to tell you how messy it can be when a baked potato body bar experiences a violent eruption! I’m still picking chives out of my hair (Don’t worry though. Those will be gone by the time I show up for this event.)

I am rather tall, and so my figure would make an excellent table for your meal. In addition, I also have an “innie” belly button that could be used for a wasabi holder or Sake shooter, if needed.

If you can guarantee that it will be no longer than two hours—I have a bladder the size of a Cheerio. Ha!—that it will indeed be “awesome” and that I will be supplied with a Styrofoam cooler to take home the extras (I only need the veggie option,) I would love to be considered for this position.

Thanks so much!

Like I said, I haven’t heard back yet, but I’ll be sure to follow-up if I do.

*Fingers crossed!*

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42 responses to “A Raw Deal

  1. And they say the economy has been in a downturn…

  2. Your suggestion about the chopstick props is brilliant! I might use that at home, just for fun!

  3. I am sure that the very thoughtful comments you have included about your figure, together with suggestions as to how to overcome any difficulties will certainly generate a favourable response. Having said that, the sneezing might be a problem. Have they heard of a “Flying Sushi” party, where you have tiny little nets to catch the passing delicacies. Could be onto a winner there. I await your good news eagerly

  4. I’d pay good money to see all the responses to that add. Good money, I tell you. You should’ve asked if you could bring the cat and the traveling gnome, who would both need their own plates of sushi.

    • I know. I think the fact I didn’t include a picture probably excluded me. The cat would make things too hairy, but Uncle June could hold the chopsticks!

  5. That tickles just looking at it.

  6. The sneezing question is pertinent. Also, an available showering area for immediately after the meal and after i read their ad.

  7. baked potato body bar.

    I love you. you just gave me AND Dad a huge laugh.

    I have never understood this phenomenon. I am positive they will find their model, though (and may even steal your chopsticks idea…)

  8. I love you. Never stop being amazing. 🙂

  9. Love the belly button bit – if that doesn’t get it for you, I don’t know what will!

  10. Good luck on the new job opportunity!

    What I really want to know is where are you supposed to look while people are eating sushi off of you? Do you close your eyes like you’re sleeping, or is that creepy? Do you talk to the people who are eating, or will that make it even more weird to chat while people dunk from your wasabi-filled belly button?

    As an added bonus, when you go home and take a shower, you can tell everyone you’re doing the dishes!

    • I had the same thought. Do they just close their eyes or cover them with fortune cookies? Chat things up? And the last part of your comment made me literally laugh out loud. Good thing I wasn’t covered in sushi.

  11. Wasabi or shooter? They’re such good belly button options I just can’t choose one! Maybe wasabi sake?

  12. OMG! That was brilliant! Thanks so much for giving me my best laugh of the day!!!

  13. tomuseornottomuse

    Hysterically brilliant response, I was crying at my desk laughing so hard. Truth is so much funnier and stranger than fiction, for sure!!

  14. LOL! That ad cannot be serious?!? The things people post on CL.

  15. Holy crap! That was awesome. Don’t all the grammatical and spelling errors just scream competence? I can’t imagine why any young woman who’s not afraid of getting drugged and having a kidney harvested wouldnt jump at the chance to do this. The fact that you offered to bring your own cooler might just seal the deal.

  16. You should have asked if having nipples the size of sand dollars would ruled you out as a candidate for the job.

  17. I laughed so hard when I read this this morning. Thank you.

  18. I have to say that if you’re not built like a pre-pubescent girl, that leaves very little flat surface for food. Based on the amount of food on the model, that’s like takeout for one person. Maybe everyone gets their own model!

  19. That is seven kinds of wrong! Laughing!

  20. Oh, I am also positive they will contacting you soon! Hey, do you think they’d object to you live-blogging during the dinner?

  21. Ha! Is this a weird fetish thing? Or are they reenacting Sex and the City?

  22. I’m trying to think of something funny to say, but I’m distracted by how uncomfortable I am just *thinking* about staring at the ceiling for two hours while people casually ate things off me. The horror.

  23. Don’t even know where to start because I’m laughing so hard. The baked potato body bar?! Beyond that, I’m with you on all points. Who wants to eat raw fish off someone’s body? That’s gross. And what are you supposed to do? Take a klonopin and nod off for 2 hours?

    Thanks once again for keeping it real, sistah!

  24. LOVE THIS!

    I wish you would have asked what they mean by a “professional model.” I can only assume this means “you’ve starred in low-grade p0rn.” That’s my definition of professional.

    I’m also impressed that chopsticks would hold up your breasts. I would need to place them on side tables.

    Keep us posted on a response and if they want to go a different direction, feel free to send them to http://lisanewlin.com (But don’t tell them about how gassy I am.)

  25. hahahahahahaha this is the funniest thing I have read in WEEKS. Thank you!

  26. “I also have an “innie” belly button that could be used for a wasabi holder or Sake shooter, if needed.”
    Now that’s just being resourceful.

  27. Four words that just changed my life: baked potato body bar .
    My birthday is going to be amazing this year.

  28. Thanks for a great laugh! Will be back to read more, and I am planning to buy your book now too.

    (And you are so right about the pepper– that is why I had to let go of my dream to be a sushi model. But I can live vicariously thru you. Thanks for that.)

    best,
    MOV

  29. OMG! Abby, your email is hilarious! I really hope they reply!

  30. *snorting coffee out my nose* Jesus H. Christ, woman, you are funny!

  31. So did you get the part?
    Your blog came recommended to me, and I can absolutely see why. I like funny writing (ha, ha funny, not full of typos funny), and you are highly entertaining. I can’t wait to read more.

  32. Ah I know this is old but I’ve had it marked in my reader for so long because every time I think about this I giggle ever harder. I love that you actually replied. I so wish they’d answered! And I agree, the innie bellybutton as wasabi holder is brill!

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