Headlines From My House

There’s nothing like an eye-catching headline to draw you into reading a news story, right? That’s why I’m providing you with some Headlines from my House.

However, no stories are attached, only because I don’t want to incite jealousy as to how absolutely exciting my life as a swinging single gal really is.

HEADLINE NEWS

Plot to Kill Spider with Foot Foiled by Thought of Spider Guts on Foot

Brilliant Editorial Composed in Shower Vanishes Upon Turning Off Water

Glasses Thought to be Lost Found Safely on Owner’s Head

Poll Reveals Advice from Ozzy Osbourne More Reliable than from Dr. Oz

Citizen’s Arrest Nabs Perp Using “flusterated” in a Sentence

Brain of Woman Wearing OveGlove Divorces Her After She Grabs Pan with Hand Not Wearing OveGlove… Again

Creature Under Birdfeeder Thought to be Rabid Badger Revealed to be Overfed Rabbit

Campaign to Launch Acronym for ‘So Happy It’s Thursday’ Losing Momentum

Mensa Letter ‘Lost in Mail’ After Woman Finds Keys in Freezer

Study Confirms 12 Years of Life Spent Looking for Matching Tupperware Lids

Final Jeopardy Question Answered Correctly; No Witnesses

Fashion Police Arrest Woman Found on Couch, in Pajamas, Eating Garlic Hummus on Friday Night

Decapitated Cat Toy Found Behind Couch; No Plans to Remove Body

Stepdad Contracts Flu. Mom Requests 6-pack to Help Deal with Stepdad Afflicted with “Man Flu”

Owner in Contract Discussions with Dustbuster in Effort to Improve Performance

Michigan Woman, 31, Cites ‘I have to shovel again’ as Reason for Insanity. Judge Accepts Plea

Bird Found Eating Worm in the Afternoon; Myth Busted

Wanted: Body Double to Stand in at Work; Must Resemble 12-year-old-boy and Excel at Feigning Enthusiasm and Productivity

Rug Burn on Elbows Healing Nicely Week After Diving Behind Couch Upon Hearing Doorbell

Missed Connections: You had snacks

After Unsuccessful Attempts at “Tear here,” Bag of Steamable Vegetables Slated to be Opened with Teeth

Planned Productivity Delayed Due to ‘Joan and Melissa’ Marathon

Rare Triple Axel Performed After Tripping Over Cat; Cat Not Impressed

SWF Seeks Anything to Love as Much as She Loves Pesto

After Witnessing Large Number of Adults Failing to Follow Directions, Kids Given More Credit

Squirrels Picket Outside House; Demand Variety in Local Seed Offerings

Shopper Leaves Target Having Spent Less than $20; Parade Thrown in Her Honor

Writer Attempts Humor with Blog Post; Pulitzer Prize Safe for Now

Like the blog? Buy the books.

Your turn. Give me a Headline from your House.

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31 responses to “Headlines From My House

  1. There’s no witnesses when I get answers right either!! NOT FAIR!

  2. there must be millions of brilliant ideas the world over that swirl down that damn shower drain…

  3. The “OveGlove” one had me laughing out loud AND recognizing myself. Sigh. Oh, and “flusterated” is one of my biggest pet peeves. I worked with a guy who was always “flusterated.” Gaaa!

  4. seriously Abby, I adore you…this was just the giggle I needed today.

    I write my best stuff in the shower too..and it circles the drain just like yours did…the only difference, you’ll get yours back..I doubt I will.;)

    LOVE IT!

  5. I do the glasses thing A LOT.

  6. Yes to diving behind the couch when the doorbell rings! This had me laughing out loud!

  7. Brilliant. I wish you wrote the newspaper I read. Your news is a lot more entertaining. That cat is worth it’s weight in gold when it comes to news headlines. It deserves more treats. I’m also guilty of looking for the glasses which are on my head.

  8. Brilliant Editorial Composed in Shower Vanishes Upon Turning Off Water

    This drives me nuts. I need to have a digital notepad downloaded to my brain, dammit.

  9. I see your glasses on the top of your head and raise you I thought I lost my keys because they were in my coat pocket instead of my messenger bag. I made my boyfriend take me all the way to his house flustered upon where could my keys be. Then I looked in the jacket pocket when we woke up in the morning. TA-DA!!!!!!!!!

    I have great blog ideas in the morning in bed but they vanish as soon as my feet hit the floor. *sigh*

  10. Woman loses bank card and driver’s license after Christmas, only to find it in March in a coat not worn since November.

    I’m totally stealing the Thursday anagram to use as my Facebook status. Lol

    • Seriously? That’s like the opposite of finding $5 in your pocket every spring. But on the other hand, at least it was you who stole your identity and not somebody else?

  11. Laughed out loud and scared the children. I loved every single one of these. You are my hero.

  12. Absolutely spot on! I laughed at all of them, and could see myself in most of those headlines. LOL!

  13. This was a priceless post! Loved every news item!!!! thanks for the giggles!

  14. I want what you’re smoking. Totally agree on Ozzy Osbourne and busted “early bird myth” had me choking on my tuna sandwich. Cat retrieved chunks that snorted out my nose. Reminder to myself: Do not ingest food or liquids when reading Abby’s blog. 🙂

  15. Whenever I get a Final Jeopardy question right, there’s part of me that feels like I should get retroactive college credit for it. Loved these so much!

  16. I’m confused. I thought there was a law against leaving Target without spending over 35 dollars…

  17. My mom’s tupperware cupboard is like one of those cartoon-y closets where everything falls out when you open it. So we have the added life wasting task of putting it all back when we open it.

  18. Less than twenty bucks at Target?! Obviously I’m going to need to see a receipt…

  19. Hysterical! No witnesses to a Jeopardy triumph! It’s like when I sit in my dentist’s chair watching “Who wants To Be a Millionaire,” knowing the right answers but being unable to speak them.

    Great post. I’m glad I discovered you.

  20. Jusy in case you might be thinking your lot will improve with age, I’m here to dash your hopes with the news that it won’t. I’m a good 20 years older older than you and can assure you things will always be this absurdly Mazurek. Good news for us, your blog followers! (And did I ever tell you about that “wild boar” in my backyard? Animal Control discovered a pile of sleeping roving dogs. I fed them a huge pan of beef stroganoff before they jumped the fence and continued their life on the lam)

    • Well, grandma would be proud you fed them but disturbed that you wasted perfectly good stroganoff on a dog–especially if it had been sitting on the counter for three days. IT’S STILL GOOD!

  21. Totally awesome! I’m still laughing from some of these. I thought I lost my phone and then realized I was talking on it. I’m scared but at least not alone.

  22. If someone actually left Target spending less than $20, THAT is Pulitzer prize material. And also . . . you might wanna call Guinness.

  23. I’l take the Ozzy-isms over Doc any day.

    one of my long time friends is a newspaper editor; when he used to edit two small town newspapers, he would email me the police scanner section – it was HILARIOUS and read just like this. crazy what people call the police for…

    I have also performed triple axels – usually after kicking a piece of furniture, and followed by a Spaz Dance and several obscenities.

  24. Cats are rarely, if ever, impressed. Scornful, yes. Concerned that their next meal might be in jeopardy, yes. Impressed? Not so much.

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