Letters I Probably Won’t Send

 

To the Man at the Dollar Store who kept asking his wife how much something costs:

It’s $1. Everything is $1. Beware, as your wife looks annoyed and might just throw a dull off-brand pair of kitchen shears into the cart. Sleep with one eye open.

And to your wife? Take a deep breath and count to 10. Thousand.


To commercials targeted at women:

While I understand the marketing idea behind making everyday situations appear a million times more exciting than they actually are, most of us are not fooled into thinking that using a whitening toothpaste will in fact make our teeth so white that our smile could land a husband or a small aircraft or that wiping up spills with extra-absorbent paper towel makes us want to sing.

I also don’t invite friends over to watch me dance with a miracle mop and then eat the yogurt you pimp out that the reaction of women in commercials would have me believe contains orgasmic properties and not just probiotics.

As for expressing my individuality, I don’t need to do it through pink pens or  feminine hygiene products packaged in bright colors with cool patterns, but thank you for the suggestion.


To the sock that falls out of the laundry basket as I’m walking up the stairs:

You might not think this is a big deal and that you deserve some “alone” time away from the crowd, but you have to understand the implications of your escape.

As I bend down to pick you up—basket full of laundry in my arms—it’s inevitable that at least two other items from the basket will also jump ship. I also have to pick up a towel and/or a dishcloth that has fallen while I’m down there to pick you up and the cycle just goes on and on.

You can see how distressing this is, and quite honestly, your behavior gives me reason to believe that you are why the divorce rate of my socks is increasing. Let’s work on this, little buddy.


To the cashier who said, “Enjoy your evening!”  as I left the store carrying my box of Q-tips and a bottle of oven cleaner:

I think it goes without saying that I’ll do just that.

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35 responses to “Letters I Probably Won’t Send

  1. You wonderful human being for making me laugh!!!!!!!!!!!

    I love you so.

    xo

  2. I think I’ll return that toothpaste–LIARS!!

  3. Wow. How creepy is that guy? Wow. Just hearing potted meat and ky in the same sentence…

  4. Oh my goodness. I so needed this right now! We used to actually go to the store and buy weird combinations of stuff to give the cashiers something to talk about.

    I LOVE the dollar store husband. I would beat him over the head with a one dollar toilet brush, that I had gone in to the Dollar Store bathroom and used first.

    As for that sock with a deathwish, I can relate. I get so pissed walking back to the house as my garage is not attached, because not only when I bend over will something else fall out, but it falls out on concrete. Then I spend a half hour toiling over whether it is dirty enough warranting to have to wash again, or whether I can just let it go. Note: I can rarely just let it go. Damn you double wash sock!!!!

  5. Oh my gettin’ crazy with the Q-tips. I’m just imaging all the things you can do with them after you huff the oven cleaner and it’s killing me!

  6. Now going to the Dollar store offers a new adventure – not only for all the jumble of products – but also to observe purchased items in the check out line. Always count on you for a chuckle.
    (Oh, any sock /item that is foolish to jump out of the hamper here must have a suicide wish: eager dog jaws waiting…..word must have spread as socks seem to be sticking closer now….or is that just winter static? Who knows.

  7. Thanks for all the chuckles this post caused!

  8. Please tell me the Q-tips weren’t for use with the oven cleaner. The idea of cleaning an oven – which is huge, with a Q-tip – which is small, just seems so endless and tiring to me.

    Please feel free to write to my socks as they have a ridiculously high divorce rate, given the fact that I’m a grown woman and if I leave the house with two socks on I always return with two socks on.

  9. Hahahaha socks are such assholes.

  10. LOL! Shopping at the local Target was almost as exciting last night. I ended up in the contraceptives aisle with a gaggle of teenagers and the worst thing was–you know what? I BLUSHED!

  11. You are one funny, demented lady. I like that in a person. 🙂 God, I wish I could write humor like this.

  12. Abby, you crack me up!

    One of your best posts yet! Loved it!

  13. One time, at Target, I was behind a rather large bald man. His purchases included a tub of ice cream, some frozen meals, cat food, and about 10 bottles of Nair. I was intrigued and a little disgusted.

  14. That Whitestrips commercial DRIVES ME CRAZY. I hate it hate it hate it. It seriously reminds me of hilariously misogynist magazine ads from the fifties.

  15. Abby!

    Ohmyword.

    This is funniest thing I’ve read ALL day!
    Absolutely HILARIOUS!

  16. You can really tell a lot about a person by what they purchase. Or does it say more about us, those who take note of what others put in their carts? Funny post, enjoyed it.

  17. Creative. Funny. Witty. Genius!

  18. Hahaha! I used to write “letters”to my customers at work on Facebook until someone was offended by them. I was kinda sad, but I was running out of ideas anyway.

  19. Where have you been all my life?! You are what the Internet needs. A swift kick in the ass followed by unbridled laughter. The Target commercial with the cowgirl dressed in ALL WHITE changing diapers? GET REAL. I so want the kid to pee on her.

  20. Maybe the guy was buying the canned meet to keep the dog occupied while he had “sexy time?” All five minutes of it… Who am I kidding? You know that guy was planning on romancing himself REAL nice-like. I bet he had the whole 1st season of P.I. Magnum on VHS and he had himself a personal stache bash. You know he bought some scented candles too.

    Wait, it wasn’t my husband, was it?

  21. I see your letter did make it to HumorPress.com. Nice job.

  22. Laughed. So. Hard.
    Brilliant

  23. Bahahaha! Priceless!! 😀

  24. You had me at K-Y jelly and potted meat. OMG that was funny! Thanks so much.

  25. That’s great. I fear for the social life of that first guy.

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