Take Notes, Hollywood

As I was fishing chickpeas out of the sink the other day, I was reminded that I’m why I can’t have nice things—and also why I will never have a movie made about my life.

id-like-to-think-im-more-ghostdini-than-howard-hughes-but-id-probably-be-wrong

But if Lifetime’s Meredith Baxter-Birney retires from storylines involving a drug-addicted woman scorned by conjoined twin husbands and decides to go a new route—enter my life as a movie—I have a few suggestions for the writers.

  • A montage of me wandering around the kitchen wondering why I went in there, each scene featuring a different, stylish T-shirt.
  • Plot twists around why the cat’s head is wet and covered in catnip and an existential crisis upon realizing the excitement for electric tweezers exhibited by people in infomercials far exceeds any emotional reaction I’ve ever had for anything with my job.
  • Simple dialogue involving key phrases such as, “I’m confused,” “Not now, I’m eating,” “Ouch” and “Why is there such a high divorce rate among my socks?”
  • Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” would play every time I sit down to eat a meal, with “I Am Woman” supplying the background music every time I remember to put out the recycle bin.

And if you need more storylines, it might be helpful to take a look at a few of my tweets from the past couple of weeks.

Take notes, Hollywood. Take notes.

A squirrel just ran by the deck with a piece of bread. If another one shows up with a Mimosa, does this count as hosting a brunch?

As she watched her little dog pee into the wind, she took pride in the fact at least this time, he didn’t tip over.

“That girl graduated from college and still goes out in the snow in PJs and flip-flops to fill the feeder. Money well spent.” – My neighbors

If they don’t want an impromptu dance party in the store, they shouldn’t play Michael Jackson’s “Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground.)”

Tortillas are like little warm blankets for food.

“The best option here is to panic.” – My brain when I think that I’ve lost my chapstick.

Days when my underwear matches my outfit make me feel like I’ve really got it together.

I came across two decapitated Barbie torsos on the sidewalk. I’m disturbed, yet slightly intrigued.

When I’m feeling down, I make a list of things to look forward to. Today’s just said “food” and “sleep.” Pretty good list.

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do” she said to herself as she prepared to say Worcestershire sauce.

I dreamed about work last night and now I’m at work. I’m not impressed with this “living the dream” thing.

The irony of watching “Fashion Police” while on the couch in yoga pants isn’t lost on me.

Becoming a member of the Swiffer Facebook Fan Club is the closest I’ll ever come to joining a gang.

I’m for equal rights so I just used the often neglected back left burner on my stove. Follow my lead, people.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world,” I whisper to myself as I replace the empty paper towel roll in the office kitchen.

My one-woman show “Help Me I’m Trapped In my Sweatshirt!” is garnering some major buzz from the cat.

My Sunday morning walk of shame includes a fabric softener sheet falling out of the leg of my pants at the gym.


Again, that’s just a sample. I suppose that means several sequels could be made, not to mention a line of action figures featuring a variety of interchangeable workout pants and sweatshirts tinged with the light scent of garlic.

All I ask is that the bust region resemble more “Barbie” than “Skipper.” Let’s make this happen, people. 

Need a holiday gift that gives back? Buy the book.

It’s time for audience participation!

If you were to have a movie made about your life, what actor/actress would you want to play you in the film?

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41 responses to “Take Notes, Hollywood

  1. Meryl Streep would play me because I am a bit older, and so is she, but she pulled off younger in Mama Mia, so she can do the flashbacks, too. I also fully believe that she is the only actress alive who could do an adequate job of portraying all of the extremes that have been my life. I’d also really love to just hang with her and be her new BFF, you know? 😉 Thank you for the laughs!

    • I LOVE Meryl–let’s pretend we’re on a first name basis. There’s not much she can’t do, so that sounds like a perfect fit 🙂

      • Well there was that one movie she made with the epic line, “The dingo ate my baby.” Oh great, now I will have that running through my brain today with the appropriate Meryl Australian accent.

  2. Ironically my Twitter feed will probably lead to the inverse of a Lifetime movie, as my wife is hardly amused with my creative wit and I fear she shall beat me sometimes. She was particularly upset when I spent 15 minutes inventing tweets for #CountrySongsThatNeedWritten recently.

  3. you need another book. they make movies out of books.

    i want to be played by scott baio.

  4. Well, I have been told I look like Jennie Garth and Melissa Gilbert, but my life has been so dramatic and insane hat I’d like to think it would require Angelina Jolie to portray. I also like to imagine being that beautiful.

    • Good lord. If we’re basing this on fact, perhaps Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” would be best suited to play me on screen. 😉 But Angelina could work…

  5. Do you even have to ask?

    Beyonce.

  6. I am totally with you on the watching Fashion Police in yoga pants. Only I’m usually watching in flannel jammie pants.

    I think things to myself about my neglected stove burner too. Glad it’s not just me.

  7. People always tell me I look like Annette Bening, but I would punch a nun if I could get Kate Winslet to play younger me. Love her.

  8. Apparently I’m on Twitter at all the wrong times because I think I’ve only seen about two of those gems.

  9. HAHA I enjoy your twitter feed immensely.

  10. And if you can get 3 squirrels to show up, then you have a party!

  11. 5 years ago i would have said zooey deschanel. right now? i’m going to go ahead and say francis mcdormand. teenagers suck the doe eyes right off your face…

  12. Ha! I’d totally watch a movie about a woman and her cat. I’d fantasize that I was the main character…. (DAMN I want a cat!)

  13. Your tweets are hilarious! Hollywood definitely could learn from you!

  14. Right now, Emma Stone would be the front runner. Geoffrey Rush would be the most likely candidate for my old age scenes.

  15. Laughing out loud at your list! I don’t know who I’d pick to play me, but she’s be younger, thinner, prettier…pretty much not me… 🙂

  16. I would like Drew Barrymore to play me.

    She combines ‘neurotic’ and ‘dippy’ extremely well.

  17. I sincerely hope to have a list of quotes/Tweets like yours someday. I love to laugh and make others laugh. There is so much to a kitchen with food and gadgets and all. It probably has the greatest potential of all your Hollywood pitches.

  18. Really enjoyed this! Loved the list.

  19. you are hilarious, my friend. And I think in ideal world, I think I would love someone fabulous like Emma Stone or Jennifer Lawrence… but it would probably end up being like, that little bumble bee girl from the Blind Melon music video.

  20. I guess Andy Garcia, although he’s a bit older, we do favor each other. I can’t wait to see what he does with a papertowel and two bugs in the house at the same time while the Jets game is on.

  21. I would definitely buy Abby action figures and all her accessories.

  22. I really do love following you on twitter. Especially your AM tweets, they’re enjoyed as I also have brunch with the squirrels that run across my roof.

    Also, food and sleep are really the only two things I look forward to ever. I would also include sex in the list, but I’m on the rag this week.

    Woah… that got inappropriate fast… sorry.

  23. A) this post was awesome.

    B) I don’t care who plays me, but she should sleep for most of the movie – because *one* of us should get to sleep.

  24. i win. I wear a ski hat in the house when I’m super cold and then I watch What Not to Wear. anyone wanna nominate me to be on the show?

  25. Re watching Fashion Police in yoga pants – I sometimes watch Embarrassing Bodies and think, “I could SO beat these people at their own game!”

    Love your tweets. Why do you not ave a squillion followers??

  26. Hilarious! Seeing decapitated Barbies always frightens me but I do want to know the story behind it. I think there’s a screenplay in there.

  27. I love you Abby…you crack me up.

  28. I, too, watch Fashion Police in yoga pants and worse– I watch The Biggest Loser while eating a pint of Haagen Dazs.
    As far as my life made into a movie, my first choice to play me would be current girl-crush, Jennifer Lawrence and unfortunately (for Jennifer) the movie would be titled “Silver Stretch Marks Playbook”
    *sad trombone*

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