No offense to anyone, but I hate being tagged for things in the blogging world, mostly because it feels chain letter-y and those things creep me out.
But Jerrod tagged me in this Hope Blog Relay and threatened very mean things if I refused to participate , mostly because Melanie threatened very mean things if he dropped the blogging baton. I just couldn’t live with the guilt.
Okay, I probably could, but I’ll give this a shot anyway.
The gist is you write about hope and then pass it along. Snark aside, this was hard. Like, “I don’t want to do this and I’m going to throw a great big tantrum” hard. Why? Because most days I feel there is there is no hope for me, so writing about it feels like an exercise in futility.
Well, I’ve written about depression multiple times, so it’s not like I don’t have much to say. I have a lot to say, but I’ve already said it before. For those who don’t want to click on the links, here’s a recap:
I don’t choose to be depressed.
I don’t wake up and conscientiously make a decision to already wish I could go back to bed. I don’t isolate and choose not to just “snap out of it” or to be so OCD that now my body has gone from whispering warnings to screaming satanic-like shouts.
While I could go on about the health things as of late, I’m not sure this is the place or the post. I’ll simply say that they add to the whole “absence of hope” thing.
But this relay isn’t about that—it’s about having hope.
So I thought about writing a funny or inspirational piece using other people’s stories and the choices they’ve made that have inspired hope in others. Then I called bullshit on myself.
Because while I’m sure that would be lovely, it would also be a bit of a cop out. And as comfortable as feeling like crap can become, I’m tired of ignoring the fact that hope can exist for me too and that every day I have a choice.
I can choose to own it.
I can choose to quit acting like hope is this foreign concept that applies to the whole world except me.
I can choose to admit that while there are physical barriers, I don’t help myself like I should.
I can choose to reach out to friends, family and doctors again without feeling like it makes me weak.
I can choose not to wait for something or someone to come and do all the work for me, to change the course of my sometimes tumultuous path.
Will I choose all these things? I don’t know.
I’ve said it all before and it still kind of feels like a crap shoot. If I was reading this I would probably be rolling my eyes and saying, “Good lord, woman. How is this hopeful? Eat more, quit exercising, smile and get yourself some serious drugs.”
OK. I probably wouldn’t think that about anyone else, but that’s how I feel. In fact, I didn’t even want to write this at all. It sounds whiny and like I’m rambling on when all I want to do is delete this and post something funny.
But I choose to be honest today.
I choose to admit that I want to have hope and deserve to be healthy again.
And I choose to pass that along.
For those of you who actually stuck around until the end of this thing, gold star for you today! I promise more “normal” ramblings next time, but today I was passed the baton, and as part of the relay I’m required to pass it along.
While many bloggers have already been tagged, there are a couple that I want to feel forced to participate (but no obligation, of course.)
Nichole at MichonMichon
Dana at The Kitchen Witch
Cara at Fork and Beans
Lance at My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog
Jen at When Pigs Fly
If anyone else wants to join in, please feel free and continue this thread with anything about hope. You can even add that fun little graphic up there (not me smoking a piece of asparagus, but the relay button thing.)
And in my final act as freaking Pollyanna, tell me one thing about hope in the comments. What does the word mean to you?