Not that she’s worried about it, but just like Heloise, Martha Stewart can sleep well at night knowing I am in no way going to wrestle her to the ground for her crafty crown.
I did make these, but we’ll get back to them in a minute.
Let me back up and say that I’m actually kind of artistic. When I was little I was always drawing, painting, changing the interior decorating in my Barbie house or doing something creative with my Tupperware containers full of art supplies.
But as I got older, I traded in my blue box of Mr. Sketch scented markers for sports equipment and foam balls to put in my shirt for impromptu Mariah Carey concerts given on the front lawn. It’s not that I ever lost that creative spark; I just put it on the shelf for a while and replaced it with other forms of artistic expression…like painting my living room and coloring my hair.
With that said, the past couple of years I’ve tried to be crafty in an attempt to also be charitable.
Our senior friends love anything you make for them, so I’ve taken to going to Michael’s and investing a few bucks in “simple” crafts that can be given to the old people.
Before you get too impressed, let me be clear that we’re not talking about intricate needlepoint—I can’t be trusted with sharp objects—but rather a variety of foam decorations that can be displayed or attached to my super simple pretzel treats, also known as geriatric crack.
There have been pumpkins, turkeys, wreaths, hearts—you name it, I’ve foamed it, farmed it out and have the glitter still stuck in my dining room rug to prove it. But the latest project—mini Easter baskets—once again cemented the fact that I am no Martha Stewart.
Check that. It “super glued” the fact that I am no Martha Stewart.
I artfully placed my supplies on a towel on my dining room table and began crafting, creating little foam Easter baskets from the 132 pieces that were supplied to me, secure in the knowledge printed on the box that no glue was required and anyone over the age of 4 could easily complete the craft.
Long story short, I completed the craft only to find out the next night that all the crap that DIDN’T NEED TO BE GLUED had peeled off the baskets and basically fallen off.
This did not please me. I went to the Dollar Store and got super glue, maniacally gluing each and every piece of foam back to the carefully constructed baskets, holding down each piece for the 15 seconds the tube recommended.
The good news? I only glued my fingers together twice.
The bad news? It took me entirely too long to do a simple craft that some lunatic in the foam factory thinks a 4-year-old could do with NO GLUE and I found a leftover sticky foam flower stuck to the ass of my yoga pants a couple hours later.
Plus, things still kind of peeled off.
But when you add in pretzel treats stuffed into Easter bags from the Dollar Store, you have an inexpensive, festive, chocolaty treat for a bunch of old people who probably won’t notice a slightly detached flower petal due to cataracts and a “go-for-the-chocolate” crazed look in their eyes.
So to summarize, I’m artistically somewhere between Martha Stewart and a 4-year-old and I deal out geriatric crack (pretzel treats) in super glued foam Easter baskets.
I do believe Martha is safe.
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