And…the nun is drunk

My mom brought home her nun friend from the old people’s place to join us for Thanksgiving, so the day was entertaining…and exhausting. 

I’ve never brought Sister up before, but she’s a trip. Any time she leaves the home she gets a little excitable, especially when she gets into the wine, and Thursday was no exception.

Now there is no accurate way to describe her for a visual, but the closest I can come is to say she’s a 5-foot-tall stripped down version of Cinderella’s fairy godmother, but a little more troll-like.

Fairy-Godmother-cinderella-1974437-250-212

Imagine darker gray hair, take out the wand, add a habit for certain situations and stick her on a motorized cart with a basket on the front. Sister has MS and although she can walk, she usually drives the cart up and down the aisles of the home with the resident dog securely placed inside the basket. 

Anyway, Sister was waiting outside in her oversized sweatshirt, sweatpants and sandals with socks when we picked her up from the home.

The five minute car ride revealed that she recently met a 30-year-old who wasn’t married, which she—a nun—found odd. When it was pointed out that I was single and that Sister was a nun, this prompted her to declare that yes, she did actually know “shitload of ‘normal’ people” who weren’t married, like her dentist and that one secretary at the doctor.

As we walked into the house, we were also told that at some point we had to go to the store—on Thanksgiving— to get her a new electric toothbrush.

Enter wine—not converted from water, but alcoholic nonetheless.

Sister tried to situate herself on the couch. This resulted in her falling in the couch crack, flipping the recliner part of the couch open and almost flying heels over head over the back. Recovered, she took a sip of her “spirit” and engaged  my mom’s husband in a conversation about cheese and Mexican saints.

I “helped” my mom in the kitchen, and by “helped” I don’t mean fisting a bird, but rather making sure she had a beer.

The meal itself was full of stories.

Some I had heard before, others I hadn’t about her traveling the world, accidentally legally changing her name to her “nun” name instead of the one she was given as an infant and how she knew she wanted to became a nun at 18, but that her mom wanted her to run the roads to make sure, at least going to prom with a boy.

“They were just one date things,” she said. “I never tried to get laid.”

“However,” she continued, taking a sip of wine and leaving a mashed potato ring on her glass. “Some of the girls from the school used to go to the sand dunes and lay around with the boys. I was sent with them, but I don’t like sand.”

At that she picked up the turkey leg and continued gnawing on it like a carnivorous Catholic cavewoman.

“Is this the Super Bowl?” she asked as I turned up the Thanksgiving football game between Detroit and Green Bay. “Did you know people bet on these things? I heard sometimes the players lose on purpose and throw the matches. Is that what the Lions are doing?”

The next 30 minutes were spent explaining football to the buzzed nun, who kept claiming that her “craziness” was due to the eight mini peanut butter cups she had before dessert and not the wine.

“Are we the yellow pants or the gray pants?” she asked as she propped herself back on the couch, sipping her wine through a straw. “Ooh! Who has the ball—the ‘G’ or the ‘D’? Are there any points out there? Can I take my wine home with me?”

She didn’t forget about the toothbrush.

After once again implementing our makeshift Catholic catapult to get the nun in the truck, we made our way to the store, which was 10 minutes from closing. Sister honed in on what she wanted, grabbed the $7 Oral-B model from the ad and engaged the cashier in a conversation about her tartar issues and the dinner she just had.

As were walking out, a couple of men were walking in, which prompted Sister to proclaim with a huff, “The store is closing in five minutes, good sirs. I suggest you either hurry yourself up or come back again tomorrow, as that poor man hasn’t even had dinner yet!”

“Can you believe how rude some people can be?” she asked as we boosted her back into the truck—again. “Now where are my peanut butter cups? Do you think the ‘Gs’ or the ‘Ds’ won the game? When can we do this again?”

Oh good lord.

Say a prayer for us all.


As determined by random.org, the winner of the free copy of the book or Amazon card and the chocolate pretzel treats is: Laura Grimes

Please send your address to me at Sunshineach@comcast.net and I’ll get that package right out!

For everyone else, now that you know you’re not getting a free copy, you can go here and find out how to order it for yourself in a couple different ways. It’s literally the cost of a movie ticket, and you don’t have to put up with people talking through the previews…or tipsy nuns.

Advertisements

32 responses to “And…the nun is drunk

  1. Holy crap. And I thought going to church over the weekend was bad. Though my friend visited her 102 year old senile great uncle this weekend, who proceeded to ask her if she wanted to “do hanky panky” with him. Good times.

  2. LM(size 4)AO!!! Oh, sweet Jesus, this is a good one. Having had early exposure to nuns, most resulting in nervous rashes and fear-induced wet pants, I would have loved to have hung out with this one. You definitely had the most interesting Thanksgiving I’ve read about — or maybe it’s your writing that makes so interesting. A very fun post, Abby.

    • I’m spiritual, but not religious. However, the old people’s home is a Catholic home, so there are nuns abounding. This Sister is a crazy trip and exhausting, but she’s sweet. I’m just glad I don’t burst into flames in her presence.

  3. I want a drunken Nun! Do they have them at walgreen’s or Cvs?

  4. Found you blog through, Jayne. And Jayne’s right, this is one of the best and funniest post about Thanksgiving I’ve read!

  5. Dear Lord! A memorable Thanksgiving for sure.

    One time a nun sat behind me on the Megabus next to a young Chinese man and proceeded to spend two hours explaining the horrors of communism to him. Poor guy. People mean well I think, but sometimes I don’t know!

    Your nun sounds like a lovely/lively dinner guest. I like the mashed potato ring visual.

  6. HILARIOUS. I love the part when she was shocked that a 30-year old wasn’t married 😉 She sounds like a colorful character, indeed.

  7. I feel like most nuns look like that. But that sounds fantastic!

  8. You really have the patience of a Saint/Nun??? That was so sweet of you. I’ve spent long periods of time in the hospital with older people in the last few years and they’re a hoot without any “spirits”. This is hilarious!

  9. Growing up my mom used to always invite priests over for dinner, mostly when there was a new one at our church or the school. They were always so much cooler and down to earth at dinner, but nuns always seemed like they slept in their habits and ate baby children for dinner. This one seems like a FANTASTIC time though 🙂

  10. I have to comment about our friend, Sr.Chris. She has been in our lives for 2yrs. and she is one of the most authentic, honest people i know. And not because she is a nun. She is a piece of work like no one else, and we love her craziness. So honest and grateful for the good times in her 67 years of life, and I can’t imagine being without her. Even though I want to hang myself in a tree covered in meat at the lion’s cage at the zoo after some of our long visits, I wouldn’t trade her friendship for anything. Unless someone offers me a 6-pack of Miller Lite and the promise they will get her safely ‘home’. She teaches me things every time we get together and she somehow gives comfort to the craziness.

  11. Okay she has to be the coolest nun on the planet. I want to meet her and have her over for a Holiday dinner. I wouldn’t even mind having to take her to get a toothbrush. It’d be worth the entertainment.

    Oh and I’d love to be able to say the Lions looked that bad on purpose, but alas they just royally stunk. All in all what a boring football game.

  12. Ok.
    I wish I could spend a day with a drunken, toothbrush-obsessed nun.
    This just sounds fantastic.
    I laughed enough that I had to move my iPad from my belly, it kept shaking.

  13. See!? everybody wishes they were you! You get to hang out with cool nuns!I’d be a good nun…except for that whole Jew thing….

  14. HAHA! Great story. I think the nun and I have similar football-watching style. My boyfriend is a BIG Packers fan, so after 9 years of being exposed to sports I’ve gotten better (I sometimes watch ESPN by myself…) But I think I once asked if the running back did all the running and the line backer just held down the line and after that Andrew looked at me with sadness and dismay…oops.

  15. I love her. I want to go to your house next year for the holiday!

  16. I really have to start volunteering at an old folks home for the material…awesome story!

  17. She sounds like a pistol.

    My favorite part was when you told us that “she didn’t forget about the toothbrush.” I was wondering!

  18. Haha, I love it. Especially the part about asking what color pants you are, LOL. That sounds like something I would do while watching football. When I was a kid, my grandma would always have priests and nuns over for dinner/drinks, so they felt like family (even though the nuns always cheated at dominoes). I wanted to be a nun. Unfortunately, I like the sand. Great post!

  19. I love characters and she certainly sounds like one. Her comment after leaving the store is priceless

  20. You had me at “fisting a bird.” Your drunken nun sounds like hours of fun times.

  21. Another stellar post. Would write more but can’t. stop. laughing.

  22. hehe. Love me a drunk nun! Although I have never actually met one. BUT you wrote it so well, I felt like I was there.

  23. Hilarious post. Don’t you just love experiences like this? Life is about our stories (I’ve heard my husband’s like a thousand times).

  24. this nun and i have a lot in common.

    i for one, will not settle for anything less than an electric toothbrush. once you go electric you never go back. and i also judge football games by the color of pants being worn.

    and i also blame my drunkeness on assorted chocolates.

    last summer my friend and i were paddleboating and saw some random nuns floating around the river. it was peculiar.

    xoxo

    • “Last summer my friend and I were paddleboating and saw some random nuns floating around the river.” You write that sentence, and then you say it was “peculiar?” That’s it? Peculiar? I would have paid good money to see that. Holy crap, pun totally intended.

  25. I have never met a nun before but boy do I want to now! Your Thanksgiving sounds way more entertaining than mine!

  26. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I’ve attended a few parties that had a Priest at them (Catholics, I tell ya), and although they get boozy, they don’t often get sassy. I like this one. Can I come next time?

  27. I’m having family over for dinner Saturday night. I need to borrow the nun…do you know if she performs out of town? I’ll pay for airfare!
    (Fisting a bird! Classic!)

  28. Honestly, I needed to laugh. And I got a good one! Thank you for this story. Wish I could write like you. But at least I can read what you write. 🙂

  29. LOL. Oooh dear, the D’s don’t loose to throw a game for a gambler. I can’t remember a Thanksgiving game where they WON. That was the best question she asked. looool

Talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s