I have a post almost ready about how the appliances in my house are plotting against me, but I decided to hold off on publishing that for a couple days.
Why? Partly because I’m waiting to see if my vegetable steamer does in fact mock me again tonight, but also because I want to share some of the search terms that people have used to find my blog.
Other bloggers do posts like this all the time, and although I present a “top five” list on my Facebook page a couple of times a month, I’ve never actually shared them with the masses (all 10 of you.)
I probably wouldn’t have this time either, but when I saw “Bedazzled yoga pants with garlic,” I was freaked out by the fact that someone knew exactly what I was going to be doing this weekend.
Unfortunately, not all the other search terms are quite as accurate—I swear I’ve never written about “Chef Ramsey demotivational training bras” before, despite that suggestion—but they’re entertaining. With that said, here’s a few from the past couple of weeks.
- Don’t complicate your life with unnecessary thongs
- Do you like my gnome babushka?
- I look better after a few drinks
- Good night, smart ass
- When having a bad day, remember Daniel Tosh’s titties
- Naked grocery clerks with nunchucks
- How do you politely ask a dental hygientist not to use a dental bib?
- The grass is always greener, underneath my wiener
- Your pee stinks T-shirt
- Story of small woodland creatures waking up in purple thongs
- Hippie gnome’s winter coat
- Bitch, I know you ate the last piece of chicken
- Your lizard looks a little limp
- Somebody staple the talk hole on that bitch
- Can I hot wax my own face?
- Unicorn erectile dysfunction and Scrabble porn
- Senior citizens don’t take any carp (not a typo—they used “carp”)
And if you are the one who found my blog by searching “It’s not my job to blow sunshine up your ass,” please reveal yourself.
We need to be friends.
Now if you don’t mind, I have to go bedazzle my yoga pants and put purple thongs on the squirrels in my backyard.
Obviously the public demands it.