Watch out, Wonder Woman

It’s a bird! It’s a plane!

Anxiety Girl

No, I don’t have X-ray vision I can’t leap tall buildings in a single bound—heck, I can’t even leap over a puddle without getting wet somehow— but I have discovered that I possess quite a few of my own super powers.

You don’t believe me?

With my superhuman powers, I can:

  • Instantly populate a grocery checkout lane by accurately picking the wrong one to go through 87 percent of the time. The line might only have had one person with a couple of things to buy, but 20 minutes later, I’m still in line with six people behind me blocking me in so I can’t move.
  • Replace an empty roll of paper towel and/or toilet paper. I didn’t initially think this was any sort of superhuman ability, but evidently it is, as I always find a roll with one square left at the office.
  • Turn into a ninja when I walk through an invisible spider web. And even when I’m walking behind other people, my face can still find the spider web. This power is not to be confused with Spider-Man’s spider- sense, as although I do have a sense of premonition with some things, I obviously cannot sense impending spider webs or slow talkers.
  • Cause green lights to turn red. Whenever I’m in a hurry, all I have to do is think about how I’m in a hurry, and every green street light that I approach will instantly turn red.
  • Apparently motivate people to do their jobs. How? I can get up from my office chair for two minutes and return to  five “urgent” emails, two voicemails and a note that I just missed someone who really wanted to talk to me. None of this happens for the other nine hours I’m sitting there, only the two minutes I’m gone.
  • Bite my lip in one spot, think about how much it hurts and then bite it in the same spot within five minutes of the first bite. Yes, the same exact spot.
  • Turn water into, well, hotter water (the “water into wine” thing would be more helpful.) While it’s said a watched pot never boils, I can put a pot of any liquid on the stove, remember something else I wanted to do, walk away for 3.5 seconds and return to find the pot of liquid has not only boiled, but has completely overflowed.
  • Cause my hair to grow. I can go weeks without noticing much going on with my hair, but the day that I decide I need a haircut and make an appointment, it will suddenly start to freak out and grow long and shaggy in ways I didn’t know were possible. Every morning leading up to that haircut will be spent fighting against the follicle forces that be.

So as you can see, I should pretty much be filling out my application for my own comic strip and Blockbuster movie. I’m hoping it involves a shirtless Ryan Reynolds or at least a cute pair of superhero shoes, but I won’t hold my breath.

ryan-reynolds-green-lantern

That’s one super power I haven’t mastered yet.

How about you? Are you harboring and superhero tendencies?

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25 responses to “Watch out, Wonder Woman

  1. LOL..oh Abby, seriously you are fracking funny!!!!

    I think I am anxiety girl since I can find a reason to take a xanax in 2.5 seconds LOL

  2. As I’ve said in the past, my wife says I have the incredible ability of annoyance and that I can annoy her faster than any human being alive.

  3. Ooh, I thought I was the only one with the ninja/spiderweb thing going on. Although my opponent was foiled the other day — as I went to walk out my front door a very large spider suddenly dropped down in front of me, thus preventing me from walking through its web. Kind of like the guy at the party that yells out “Surprise!” after you’ve opened the door but before anyone has turned on the lights. I then defeated my spider opponent with my other superpower, knowing where I keep the bug spray.

  4. This post was hilarious, I also bite my lip, but mostly when I’m hurried or tired, but the only thing I foster well is the indelibility that I am the worlds clumsiest person, I could be just picking up a dish (the wrong way) it would crack, break and slice my finger open (requiring five stitches) or forgetting to lock workout weights and have the bar fall on my nose… it’s always stupid crap like that. I did find my cell phone in the fridge once…

    • Holy crap! I wrote about finding my cell phone in the fridge once myself. I suppose it’s better than finding a stick of butter in my purse, but still…I was troubled.

  5. Hysterical! I can relate…love the one on the red light, boiling water, and the emails…so true, so true. Thanks, this gave me a good laugh today! ~Pam

  6. HAHAHA! Love that last one. Same hair, I mean HERE!

  7. Funny because it’s true! I finally get fed up with how bad my hair looks and make an appt, then the whole week before my appt, my hair suddenly looks fabulous and I start considering cancelling. I have a super-human talent for staying up past my bedtime.

  8. Earlier today I stared at the microwave while my steamer meal (240 calories) heated. I took at least 9 seconds off the usual time by throwing my anxiety gamma rays to the machine.

    I can also, evene in a near empty gym, draw at least one other person to the piece of equipment or activity I need with only a head nod.

    Would anxiety girl wear a cape? I imagine you;d be freaked out about getting it dirty or caught in something?

    PS, if Ryan Reynolds movies keep bombing, you might get him to make an appearance at your office Christmas party. Yes, I’m bitter about Green Lantern.

    • If you can get Ryan Reynolds to come to our office Christmas party, I’m pretty sure you would be elevated to superhero status. Then again, the bartender at an open bar at our office Christmas party would also be elevated to superhero status, so it’s not a hard club to get into.)

  9. Your numbers for the supermarket line are good but I think I’ve still got you beat. There could be no one in front of me and the checker will be out of ones or changing shift and the line will form behind me.
    I have the super power of being able to read people’s minds as evidenced by every driver I’m behind who doesn’t feel the need to use their blinkers or brakes. I KNOW what they’re going to do before they do it. Cool, huh?

  10. Ryan reynolds looks totally airbrushed. But cute anyway.

  11. You are adorable.

    Ugh on the lip biting thing.

  12. Yes, you DO have very impressive abilities!! I have that red light one, for sure. Hey! You’re not the only super hero!

  13. I can change the weather. Its sunny outside. I choose flip flops. One hour more or less: starts raining.

  14. AHAHAHAHA! Impressive, I must say!

    I don’t have super abilities other than the fact that I have THE worst taste in dogs, ever. I picked the 2 most neurotic, needy assholes, ever.

  15. I have nothing to add because I’m laughing too hard. You’re freaking hysterical.

  16. haha love this.
    My super hero power is that I can sleep a gazillion hours and still be tired! Yes, I’m Captain Narcolepsy!

  17. You’re hilarious (0:
    I love the post spiderweb ninja.

  18. You are definitely a super hero, but the water to wine thing would ensure platinum super hero status.

  19. I share some of these powers, so I may take on the role of your sidekick. I’d like to be called Katie the Neurotic. Please and thank you.

    You crack me up. Thanks for that.

  20. You’re on a roll, and I don’t just mean with the toilet paper…(bada-bing!)..
    I’m with you on the boiling pot thing. Thank goodness kettles have a whistle function, or I would have burned my house down – thirty seven times – by now.

    • That’s one reason why I don’t have a kettle and instead have committed myself to love and cherish my Hot Shot until death do us part (mine, not that of the Hot Shot, as I have an extra “just in case.”)

  21. Where I live, the fourth customer in line gets everything for free, so I think your grocery-related super power would come in handy in my neck of the woods. 🙂

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