It’s a bird! It’s a plane!
No, I don’t have X-ray vision I can’t leap tall buildings in a single bound—heck, I can’t even leap over a puddle without getting wet somehow— but I have discovered that I possess quite a few of my own super powers.
You don’t believe me?
With my superhuman powers, I can:
- Instantly populate a grocery checkout lane by accurately picking the wrong one to go through 87 percent of the time. The line might only have had one person with a couple of things to buy, but 20 minutes later, I’m still in line with six people behind me blocking me in so I can’t move.
- Replace an empty roll of paper towel and/or toilet paper. I didn’t initially think this was any sort of superhuman ability, but evidently it is, as I always find a roll with one square left at the office.
- Turn into a ninja when I walk through an invisible spider web. And even when I’m walking behind other people, my face can still find the spider web. This power is not to be confused with Spider-Man’s spider- sense, as although I do have a sense of premonition with some things, I obviously cannot sense impending spider webs or slow talkers.
- Cause green lights to turn red. Whenever I’m in a hurry, all I have to do is think about how I’m in a hurry, and every green street light that I approach will instantly turn red.
- Apparently motivate people to do their jobs. How? I can get up from my office chair for two minutes and return to five “urgent” emails, two voicemails and a note that I just missed someone who really wanted to talk to me. None of this happens for the other nine hours I’m sitting there, only the two minutes I’m gone.
- Bite my lip in one spot, think about how much it hurts and then bite it in the same spot within five minutes of the first bite. Yes, the same exact spot.
- Turn water into, well, hotter water (the “water into wine” thing would be more helpful.) While it’s said a watched pot never boils, I can put a pot of any liquid on the stove, remember something else I wanted to do, walk away for 3.5 seconds and return to find the pot of liquid has not only boiled, but has completely overflowed.
- Cause my hair to grow. I can go weeks without noticing much going on with my hair, but the day that I decide I need a haircut and make an appointment, it will suddenly start to freak out and grow long and shaggy in ways I didn’t know were possible. Every morning leading up to that haircut will be spent fighting against the follicle forces that be.
So as you can see, I should pretty much be filling out my application for my own comic strip and Blockbuster movie. I’m hoping it involves a shirtless Ryan Reynolds or at least a cute pair of superhero shoes, but I won’t hold my breath.
That’s one super power I haven’t mastered yet.
How about you? Are you harboring and superhero tendencies?