Backseat Driver

When it comes to driving, I would say I’m pretty average.

I’ve never been in an accident (insert superstitious knocking on wood here) and have only had one ticket—the story behind that one a post of it’s own. I admit I have my moments and we all know that I’m directionally disabled, but I generally drive rather aware of my surroundings.

With that said, I sometimes feel like 98 percent of people shouldn’t be allowed to operate a vehicle when it’s apparent they can’t operate a turn signal.

Maybe I’m getting old and cranky, but lately I find myself wanting to run people off the road if only so I can get out and school them on the fact that there are two lanes for a reason and speed limits are not beginning points for negotiations.

left-lane1

In other words, if patience is a virtue, I am void of vehicular virtue.

So in the interest of keeping my road rage to a minimum, I  present to you a few observations and suggestions to anyone driving with their head up their ass.

  • If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I can promise I will shut off my car, lay on the hood and feed birds for an hour.
  • Pulling out in front of me and then proceeding to go ridiculously slow is not excused by the fact that you have those little family people stickers on the back window of your minivan or a WWJD bumper sticker.

carstickers

WWJD? He would go the speed limit.

  • However, pulling out in front of me and then proceeding to go ridiculously slow might be excused by the fact that you have a decal or bumper sticker representing a Detroit sports team or love of animals. Go team and go rescue a cat. 
  • While I appreciate caution, there is no need to stop completely when making a 90-degree turn where there’s no stop sign, stop lights or opposite-direction traffic.
  • However, there is a need for me to sing  everything from “Dancing Queen,”  to Rage Against the Machine at the top of my lungs. When it comes to car karaoke I’m sort of a professional, so your  stares will only encourage my behavior.
  • FYI: A car is not an invisibility force field that shields you from the general conventions of society. We can see you pick your nose. I don’t know if you lost your keys up there or what and to each their own, but when the intense picking of your honker causes you to forget that green means go, I will honk.

seinfeld_thepick-300x207

Pick a lane, not your nose.

  • Finally, if you drive a semi truck, please do not race the semi truck in the lane right next to you, forcing all of us to watch this sad little drama play out. Nobody wins, especially the lines of cars stuck behind you. How’s your driving? Slow and reckless at the same time, a driving dichotomy if there ever was one.

And let’s not forget a couple things in regards to pedestrians—namely me—as I tend to take a lot of walks in the summer and prefer not to fear for my life.

  • If I’m walking and you’re driving, honking at me and yelling out your window will not encourage me to wave back. It will encourage me to flip you off, as it will scare the shit out of me.

catdrive

  • On that note, if you’re talking on your phone as you roll up and through a stop sign and almost run me over, waving, giggling and mouthing “sorry” does not help. One of these times I might just throw myself onto the hood of your car and create a dramatic scene just to freak you out.

Like I said, I am void of vehicular virtue.

You’ve been warned.

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24 responses to “Backseat Driver

  1. I hardly ever drive anymore because a.) I hate it and 2.) I don’t really need to around here. So when I do drive it has a tendency to be long-distance highway hauls. I do hate people who hang in the fast lane. It’s for passing y’all. And people who hang in the fast lane are almost never driving fast enough to justify it. My favorite song in these situations is “Move Bitch.”

    But, having said that, I think my biggest annoyance is people who decide they are so important they must pass on the right. I’ll be going 75, pushing 80, in the fast lane and that simply won’t be fast enough for some people. When I see someone approaching to pass on the right I get incensed. And then of course I have to time my driving such that I’m perfectly aligned with the car I’m trying to pass. Just for a few seconds longer than normal…to show that the passing-on-the-right ass who’s boss.

    • Agreed. I always try and stay in the right lane if possible, but if someone is ticking me off for more than a couple miles, I will totally be that person and purposely box them in. Small joys…

  2. Totally with you on the one about honking and waving to someone walking. I have a large and impressive (in my biased opinion) dog, and for some reason people LOVE to honk and hell and make idiots of themselves when they pass us walking. I don’t know if they’re trying to scare him or make him bark or bite or rear up on his hind legs and shimmy for them or what, but it’s f*ing annoying. He and I both just pretend like we don’t see/hear them, and the obnoxious drivers ending up looking more like animals than my dog, which always gives me a sort of parental pride feeling.

    • I don’t think it even matters if you have a dog, although that seems to incite them. I just don’t get the logic and end up waving anyway because I don’t want to seem rude if I do know them, so for all I know, I’m the friendliest walker in the world, even to weirdos 😉

  3. I was totally going to write a post about traffic things that annoy me, but I think I’ll have to hold off as I’m positive you’re is much more entertaining and I just cannot follow this.
    But I agree with all of the above and have honestly considered throwing myself onto the hood of a car that cuts me off when I’m running or walking my dog.

  4. Baby, I would love to be in your backseat. Sounds like that would be a real road-show!

    After my recent fender bender with an elderly man who accidentally shifted into reverse at a red light, I was surprised that I wasn’t more pissed off. The damage only cost $85 — and that included my annual inspection and scheduled oil change. (Read: they just had to put the plate back on.)

  5. I’ll fess up- I drive too fast and will tailgate people going under the speed limit. BUT…people who think turn signals are optional and that I should know via osmosis that they are going to turn should be pistol whipped. Unfortunately, it is virtually everyone these days. Makes me screaming mad.
    As do people in huge cars who, as you noted, come to almost a complete stop to pull into a driveway (usually at a fast food restaurant) as if both the car and its occupants are so delicate any jarring will cause complete destruction.

    Basically, no one knows how to drive but me. OK, and you but that’s it.

    • Oh, I totally “hint” around to people going under the speed limit if it’s a one-lane road. There’s no question about that.

  6. I agree with all of the above…but, my biggest peeve are the people in such a hurry they have to run red lights! If I’m first in line, I ALWAYS wait a bit, knowing that someone is going to run that light in front of me. Sadly, it happens more often than not anymore. 😦

  7. The solution to our little gridlock problem is to simply make it ten times more difficult to pass that exam. Of course, a lot of people won’t like that idea:
    1) my neighbor, who needs half an hour to park his car when there’s room for a truck
    2) those people earning a buck from selling gas and petrol
    3) the government, because they just love taxes
    Is there a 4)?

  8. My hubs does the beep as soon as the light turns green bullshit, and I have made a quarter jar to fight it. It drives me nuts. I am guilty of picking my nose in the car, but only if I have my “invisibility” sunglasses on. And I am definitely a car singing legend. You should see my front seat dance.

    As an aside, I hate driving, and whenever I can, I let someone else do it for me. I’m a great passenger, unless you get annoyed that I’m constantly radio surfing. Or, if you need directions.

  9. “WWJD? He would go the speed limit.”

    That made me laugh so hard. The only thing that annoys me more than someone cutting me off and then driving slowly is when that person is in a yellow Mustang with racing stripes.

  10. OK two things- no, three: 1. Loved this post 2. Glad that Ellie agreed to post for the photo of her driving. She’s nice like that. 3. Did you know in the UK, most people don’t actually ‘drive’ in the “Fast” lane- it’s not a “fast” lane. It’s a Passing lane only. So if you go there and stay there, you automatically qualify as an asswipe.

    Funny, living in LA, when I was younger, I used to get hit with such road rage. I wanted to flip people off and cuss and cut them off when they ‘wronged’ me. Now I couldn’t care less. HOnestly, it’s like I have a serenity filter on my A/C and I just let people go where they want. I’m not a slow geriatric driver either. I just don’t care anymore. Having said that, everyone who knows me knows my RULE about NEVER EVER going east across the LA basin on a weeknight ever. Never ever ever unless there is someone’s life at stake. I’d rather drive up to Portland than drive across town (read: Gridlock) on a weeknight.

    By the way, not sure if you heard about “CARMAGEDDON” that was supposed to happen here because they had to close the main north-south freeway through LA. They expected 50 mile backups and told everyone to stay home. Guess what, everyone stayed home (except Eden & me) and it was GLORIOUS!!! No traffic anywhere! 😀

    • I forgot you have international driving experience, although I’m pretty sure driving in LA would be the most harrowing of the adventures. Good lord! And once again, hate you and Eden a little for being so close to each other 😉

  11. Oh how I do NOT miss driving in LA. Carmageddon? Fuggedaboutit. Driving around LA was always a crap shoot–time wise and otherwise. I’m positive that at least 50% of the people currently driving there have no license and no drivers training.

    However, there are jackasses of a different flavor in Michigan. Especially so in my new area in the summer. People are here to vacation and that includes their driving. I’m trying to get the hell home from a long day at work and they are driving 25 on my 45 mph road to home. I get it. The peninsula is gorgeous but 25? Good god almighty. The only bright spot is that it lengthens my karaoke session by a few minutes. So if I’m jammin’ a song, bring on the slow pokes.

  12. The problem with road rage is that the person who experiences the rage and then acts upon it is always the one who gets caught. Where were the cops when the bastard pulled out in front of me, slowed down, rolled a joint, gave me the finger and then insulted my mother? Nowhere. Of COURSE they show up when you run them off the road and then throw a match on the gas leaking out of the tank. It’s the unfairness of the school yard, grown up style.

  13. WWJD? He would go the speed limit–that made me laugh out loud. As did that dorky family decal on the Range Rover.

  14. like TheKitchenWitch …the WWJD was my favorite part…I swear I don’t drive a lot anymore, (Why should I when I can write/sleep/daydream while the hubby drives our commute??? I don’t fight for my right…to drive. LOL) but when I do, HOLY GOOD GAWD people….seriously LEARN To Drive. We have an hour commute every day on 2 very very busy highways and it’s never gentle, easy..I swear it’s always full of STUPID (sorry) people….

    so glad I get to nap instead. 😉

  15. how about my grandpa who’s on an oxygen machine, has emacular degeneration, and is fighting lung cancer.

    Should HE be allowed behind the wheel? Cus, he is

  16. Lol!! First of all the pictures are the best they made me giggle the whole way through. As for the driving I am in total agreement with you. I am the girl in the Rav 4 screaming to the cars in front of me (as if they can hear me and care what I have to say) to “learn to drive”. I think my absolute biggest pet peeve is when someone cuts you off and then proceeds to go about 10 under the speed limit. I mean really? You could wait the few extra seconds to let me go by and then annoy someone else with your oodles of time you seem to want to waste??

  17. You and I have been separated at birth. This is so me!

  18. Pingback: The Versatile Blogger « Logy Express

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