Forecast: Sunny with a chance of jazz hands

There’s no polite way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it. I’ve developed unnatural annoyance towards the local weatherman. Let me explain the rationale I use to help me make this seem okay:

Forecast: Obnoxiously Sunny Disposition

While I’m all for enthusiasm, he is entirely too excited about his job —and natural disasters — and wants everyone else to be too. Whether he’s stuck outside in a blizzard with icicles forming from his snotty nose or simply flashing his jazz hands in front of a green screen, he’s entirely too spastic. A raindrop falls, graphs are drawn and excited overanalysis begins. 

Forecast: Flood of Hyperbole

He completely abuses his “Severe Weather” and “Breaking News” privileges.

party-cloudy-day-weather-disaster-seasonal-ecards-someecards

Yes, we get severe weather, but not every day. His hyperbole and penchant for overexcitement and exaggeration—actually using the phrase “Snowpacolypse” on multiple occasions —have left me indifferent to possible natural disasters. Until I hear sirens and a cow flies by my window, I will assume he’s simply meteorologically manic. Again.

Forecast: Cloudy Credibility

I understand he’s trying to predict the future, but he’s wrong quite often. In an effort to gain credibility, he will tell you to take an umbrella if it’s raining and wear a warm coat when it snows. We will then be inundated with station promos about how they “brought us the most accurate forecast” in the area.  My suggestion would be to focus on the forecast for 10 minutes from now, not 10 days, and stay humble. You don’t get bonus points for doing your job.

Forecast: Slightly Corny

I often feel like I’m watching bad stand-up and the annoying “filler” banter back and forth with the anchor borders on adolescent awkwardness.  Weather puns will be made. He will call her by some abbreviated form of her name and “Suze” will politely laugh while looking directly into the camera instead of at him. If it’s nice out, she’ll thank him for the nice day, to which he will reply, "You’re welcome", as if he had control of it.  They will laugh and laugh and laugh…

Forecast:  Condescension, not to be confused with condensation

Finally—and most importantly—he makes me feel like a social reject with absolutely no life (on this he’s only halfway right—as usual.) Every forecast is prefaced with something along the lines of, “If you’re getting ready to go out to dinner tonight” or “If you’re planning a picnic followed by a long walk on the beach tomorrow” etc. Never does he say, “If you’re planning on sitting on your couch in your yoga pants watching the ball game and writing a blog post while trying to find that piece of food you just dropped down your shirt,” plan on partly sunny skies.

Extended Forecast

Even with all that said, I still watch the weather, mostly because the weatherman has convinced me that I need to find out how the weather won’t be when I’m sitting on my couch in yoga pants watching the ball game and writing a blog post while trying to find that piece of food I just dropped down my shirt.

But I have started to switch to the Weather Channel and their “Local on the 8’s” instead. I usually don’t remember the forecast five minutes after I’ve watched it, but I know it will run again in 10 minutes and the music is catchy.

And catchy music means there’s a strong chance of an impromptu dance party in my living room—with jazz hands, of course.

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36 responses to “Forecast: Sunny with a chance of jazz hands

  1. It’s as if you have read my mind…but I’m not able to bitch about it as sweetly as you! I have also switched to the Weather Channel….but even they were wrong yesterday! They said it was 72, Sunny and calm at Willow Run Airport….I live 1/2 mile away and it was cloudy, cold and windy! No jazz hands here!

    • I think it’s because the Weather Channel doesn’t quite have the emotional attachment to the local forecast as the local weatherman does. He is truly invested in the precipitation that might impede his golf game or leisurely walk through the glen.

  2. Ahhh you’ve given me a good giggle – funny post and so true! Thanks so much for stopping by the blog this week from RDC, great to meet you!

  3. I think there must be a class they all take on how to be perky and dramatic at the same time. Or they were all just kicked out of theater class due to lack of talent and ended up doing the weather. If I hear “Severeweather Center” one more time when we have a risk of a drizzle….

    Cheers.
    VB

    • Well you know, here in Sunny San Diego…. a chance of drizzle IS Severweather Center because San Diegians are like the Wicked Witch from Wizard of Oz. You pour water on us (even if it is like those perfurme ladies from Macy’s who insist on making sure the douse you in a full arsenal of whatever dog water they’re selling this week) we’re going to melt. It’s true. Just watch our freeways on a somewhat drizzly, “maybe a few drops from the sky” kinda day.

  4. I was going to ask if you’d like (and if you do, please do at your leisure) to do a guest post on KidFreeLiving for the “Life’s Suggestion Box” section – I should have been quicker on the draw – clearly you have some suggestions for the weatherman!

    Love the title. The phrase “Jazz Hands” never ceases to make me laugh. Jazz Feet are just a given when it comes to jazz. Jazz Hands are special. Jazz Eyes are scary.

    • Holy crap, I would be honored! There are too many things I could write about, so I’ll need a little time to narrow it down (in other words, I have to wait and see who ticks me off the most in the coming week–it could be furry rodents lounging in my fountain, for all I know.)

      • The honor is mine! My next one is about my fear that my husband will be unable to identify my mutilated body should he only have freckles on a leg to go by, so don’t do that. 🙂

  5. You’re so right, at least the jazz hands make it more interesting, they should incorporate GLEE like songs “Singing in the Rain” today, “Walking on Sunshine” tomorrow. 🙂

    this was sooo funny Abby, loved it.

  6. Okay, first of all. I have nothing against jazz hands. I actually kind of love them.

    Secondly, I always get pissed off when I hear that someone from my journalism program is now “doing the weather” on some local news station. Seriously? You need school for that? If I was doing the weather, I would get up there every morning and flip a coin or do rock/paper/scissors with a random passer-by. And I would be JUST as accurate.

  7. My Dad watches the weather channel semi-religiously and he’s always spitting out the forecast like everyone needs to know / cares about it a great deal. Occasionally it gets kind of irritating – especially because the weatherman is usually wrong, so he’s wrong – but the sweet jazz music definitely makes up for it. 😛

  8. Amy, I find the very idea of jazz eyes terrifying.

    Abby, I can only share your annoyance. However, I’ve got a lot more against “suze” than the weatherman. We all know meteorologists are gullible–who buys a science degree in guesstimation for the opportunity to be on camera FIVE MINUTES a night! Suze however, is actually paid to make that guy not look like what he is. Plastic people in general are hard to deal with.

  9. My little brother used to be completely glued to the weather channel growing up. And oddly enough, I also suspected he was watching porn when I walked by his room as that’s what I think their music sounds like…not that I would know…?
    PS hope you found that food down your shirt, that’s always where the best crumbs go!

  10. Weathermen (all newscasters, really) freak me out. They are all overly collagenized, bronzed, and chiseled. It’s like they aren’t real.

  11. SNOWPOCALYPSE!!!
    SNOWMAGEDDON!!!!
    WIND STORM 2011!!!!!

    They talk more enthusiastically than your average high school cheerleader, and I feel like everything they say has at least 3 exclamation points after it. Also? Their teeth are way too frigging bright.

    This is why my husband bought me a little weather forecast machine for my kitchen. Saves me from getting my sunglasses to watch Guy Smiley spew obvious observations about what’s happening outside my window in the morning.

  12. There’s nothing better than a good impromptu dance! 😀 Apart from that, I don’t have so many connections with the weather man. I don’t even own a tv … which means I don’t watch the weather. If I want to know, I look it up on the internet. 😉

  13. The weather people here seem to be all women, which is almost, always followed by an astrological reading, I sometimes have to blink twice to make sure I’m actually watching the news, what’s more annoying is the purposely high-pitched squeaky voice they strive for. I wonder if they inhale helium?

  14. I love your writing- so funny. So witty. You are really gifted.

    How about the fake fake fake tan? And we get “STORMWATCH 2011” or whatever year it happens to be when 3 or 4 raindrops should happen to fall. sigh. Hilarious.

  15. My favorite part of weather forecasts is when I look them up online and they are wrong. Usually, it says there’s a downpour happening when it’s sunny outside my window. Or when it’s supposedly snowing and I step out on my deck and get hit in the face with humidity. How are they THAT wrong?!?!

  16. P.S. I love jazz hands. Carry on.

  17. Well, of course, the music is the most important part of a weather forecast!

  18. If one believed Portland forecasters then we would still be digging out from under all the snow that was supposed to be dumped on us this year. Point of fact- it snowed ONCE. That’s it. Less than 3″.That is also why I now only get my weather from my browser- it’s just as inaccurate but there is no fear inducing yelling or hyperbole.

    Even better than looking for that piece of food in your shirt is having it be chocolate and only discovering it melted into said yoga pants (and probably part of the sofa) when you stand up. Unless you don’t stand up and sleep on the sofa. Not that I have any idea what you’re talking about.

  19. Jazz Hands and Spirit Fingers: two things close to my heart. I stopped listening to the weather when I stopped watching the local news (i.e. when I started valuing my sanity). The weatherman drives me crazy, except for in Indy we have one dude who does radio and is hysterical. But I do switch him off when its time for his forecast 🙂

  20. Hi there Abby. Talk about impromptu dancing! Here’s a weatherman wiggling his way to the men’s room live on television. Poor guy. When you gotta go you gotta go, right? I thought it might cheer you up to see a weatherman struggling. Let’s just hope he isn’t one of the good guys…

    🙂

    Randy from right across the Atlantic

  21. P.S. Here’s that link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5252Kx37vXU
    That’s what you get when you’re watching a weatherman. You forget the all important link.

  22. Anchorman is one of my favorite movies. Granted, NOT a weather man, but it has all the jazz hands I like to make fun of.

    My local weather “woman” is knocked up and I’m praying her water breaks as she talks about possible floods….

  23. Amen, edenseats. And may she be fat enough to keep her afloat…

  24. first, best blog post title ever.

    second, you took from my mouth every little thing i have ever thought about weathermen. especially the condescension part. and that damn dumb banter between them and those news people. ugh, annoying.

  25. I know I’m way behind in commenting on this post, but I can’t resist.

    First of all I totally drop food into my cleavage at least a few times a month. Does this mean I’m a klutz? Does it mean that I’m slutty and wear my shirts cut too low? Probably both. It’s just nice to see I’m not the only one who does it (drop food down their shirts, not wear slutty low cut tops…that is).

    Second of all when it’s cold my local weatherman calls for a “cuddle alert”. It makes me want to hurl thngs at the TV.

    • “Cuddle alert?” Are you serious? That would make me stabby. As for dropping things into your cleavage? I’m jealous that yours stops it. Mine just falls straight through.

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