My Marriage Proposal

I’m generally low maintenance, but the same cannot be said for my house.

As any homeowner can attest, the things that need to be done around a house are not only numerous, but often never-ending. And unless you enjoy changing air filters, scrubbing out the shower or replacing the rain gutters, these tasks are not something one often looks forward to doing.

Side note: While I do love cleaning and have an unnatural affinity for my Swiffer Wet Jet and ‘Ove’Glove—best thing ever—this love does not extend to various other jobs that require my attention, or more accurately, require me to ignore because I have no clue how to do them.

Because I’m single, I either have to figure out how to put the screen doors in and replace (insert random odd thing you didn’t even know existed until it broke) myself, or bribe someone to do it with beer or brownies.

I’m lucky that my family lives close by because they help with odds and ends, but I have to admit there are times when I think it would be nice to have a man around to fix a thing or two, change the oil in my Blazer and possibly help with the bills. Don’t get me wrong in that I work hard, have no problem working hard and am proud of everything I have, but not thinking about these annoying tasks would be great.

So I think I have found the perfect solution–I have decided I want to be a Trophy Wife. Well, I should rephrase that to be a bit more accurate:

I have decided I want to be a Consolation Prize Wife.

A Consolation Prize Wife is like a Trophy Wife, but actually way cooler because she requires less maintenance.

The typical Trophy Wife is young and married to an older powerful man—the Sugar Daddy— and serves as a visual status symbol of his success.  She’s basically arm candy.

I’m not quite as young or as hot and probably come with more issues, but I’m not quite yet 30 and despite being skinny with no boobs, I can clean up nice. So even though I missed my chance to land a Sugar Daddy with one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel, I’m thinking I might be able to swing the alternative here.

The Consolation Prize Wife

As a Consolation Prize Wife, I would still marry a powerful man and serve as a visual (or vocal, more likely) status symbol of his humble success (like I said, I  make a great party date.) He wouldn’t be old, but would still have money so that I could be a stay-at-home-mom minus the kids, do yoga to stay in physical and emotional shape, write an engaging and witty blog and oversee the management of our animal rescue center.

annetaintorplanb

I would be required to get dressed up and attend various social events with him, tell him he’s cool and frequent the Farmers Market on a weekly basis for the things I would learn how to cook.  In return, he would be required to be handy around the house, request no emotional attachment or sexual interest unless provoked (by me) and have a Canadian accent.

And we would have separate beds, as I love to sleep much more than I love to spoon.

This way my grass would get cut, I could write and be my own boss, consider it a professional obligation to clean everything all the time and keep myself in shape. He would get to always have a witty plus-one for events, someone to keep things running smooth at home while he does the work thing and the freedom to never have to answer the questions “Why do you love me” or “What are you thinking about right now?”

meancardsaffection

Why?

Because I’m smart and fairly secure, so there’s no question about why he would love me. And second, I don’t really care what he’s thinking about right now unless it involves a) cleaning the gutters, b) urging me in his Canadian accent to go write or c) my next feeding.

After all, just because a house is high maintenance doesn’t mean I have to be. And as a Consolation Prize Wife, I will make it my duty to remain that way until death do us part, at which time I will be back to where I started from.

Which will be, most likely, Home Depot.

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48 responses to “My Marriage Proposal

  1. Since I feel like I’m in a similar boat as you, I think my solution is simply to live in hotel since all men are allergic to me. Even the gay ones.

    • I would totally benefit from marrying a gay man, as at least I would have someone to advise me on fashion and share in my love for Broadway tunes. However, he also needs to be handy, so this could be a problem. I suppose we could hire someone to come fix things, but then we would just end up fighting over the poor dude if he was hot.

  2. While this is a hilarious post/concept, I must protest this as you are in no way a consolation anything. In fact, if plural marraige were acceptable, I’d totally want you as a sister wife. Then not only could you split all at home responsibilities but you’d have someone around to complain about your husband to that would always totally get it. I mean aside from the whole weird sharing of sexual duties, it’s not a bad concept. Also there’s the whole doubling of the wardrobe, which hello, obvious plus. (As you may have inferred I was a fan of Big Love.)

  3. I want to be a consolation wife as well, screw being a trophy wife. I am fat and with boobs and clean up nicely.

  4. Here’s why I’m annoyed at you:
    1. This is damn funny and I need to read more so have bookmarked you and now have 47 blogs to read
    3. Nearly 30 is NOT old.

    Sorry about the skinny no boobs thing but you’ll be happy w/ the situation when you are old and they haven’t sagged (trust me, I’m there).

  5. I think I am in love with you. Perhaps you would like to be my consolation wife? We could sit, side-by-side, with out laptops – occasionally reading our best lines aloud and affirming the other’s mad writing skills. We can alternate doing the laundry and dishes and grocery shopping and, when my hubby comes home, he can do the other stuff that we don’t want to do. Like anything in the outdoors or the “para-outdoor” areas, like the garage.

    There is a catch. Hubby doesn’t like to go dancing, so you would need to like to go dancing. And you can’t be hotter than me. That would not do at all.

    Come visit me, if you are so inclined. (I mean on my blog, silly! Although, if you live nearby, we could grab some coffee…) Great post 😉

  6. My ladies and I call it being a “Lady of Leisure” (generally pronounced leh-shure). How we dream of being able to stroll into the gym at 9:30am, with hair and make-up done, to leave 70 minutes later for coffee and other important errands.

    Then again, when some unknown tank attached to my furnace sprung a pinhole leak the other day, it was my father who came to the rescue. This single thing can have its drawbacks.

    When you get there, please let me know how it is. I can then live vicariously through you. 🙂

    • I would like to be a “Lady of Moderate Leisure.” While I would love to be able to spend my time doing those things, I also want to still be able to use my fairly-developed brain, a key piece to differentiating between a Trophy Wife and the Consolation Prize Wife. It’s just that I could spend more time using my brain attempting to create something that might (might!) release me from editorial purgatory instead of begging my stepdad to come fix my shower. 😉

  7. you have a good sense of humor, excellent taste in music, and you make me laugh. Unfortunately my wife will only ley Christina Aquilera join our marriage. Plus, I’m kind of crazy (read my blog) so you wouldn’t like me.

    I think the right dude is around the corner.

  8. I would like to offer you my 26 year old son. He is handsome (I can prove that) and charming (I swear), is earning decent money and has a good work ethic. I want a smart daughter-in-law who will get all my references and who doesn’t answer a question with her first words being , “I mean…” It makes no sense to say that—of course you mean that, you are saying it!

    I am prepared to the maintenance in your home myself in exchange for this.

  9. I completely love this. We are clearly looking for the same guy, so if you find him first see if he has a twin and I’ll do the same. Although, from reading all the comments here, it might be a great idea if we just formed our own little commune. We could pool our money and hire a husband for those annoying chores that none of us want to do.

    It’s really quite amazing how many women feel exactly this same way these days.

    • The only caveat might be that there aren’t enough semi-rich, kind of old men looking for us, as most are disillusioned into thinking they can land a Trophy Wife. Perhaps we should form a commune where goats eat the grass instead of lawn mowers and work is hired out to men willing to be used simply for their handyman skills, payed only in beer and brownies…

  10. You know how they have those Russian brides where you pay for them to marry you and in exchange they get to become US citizens and show up to the gym at 10am? You should totally start a service like that with Canadian men. They pay you and then you guys live happily ever after. I’ll go write up that contract.

  11. Love it! Last night, we were at a wedding. My brother turned to Hubby and said, “Did you know you were marrying a trophy wife?” I had to correct him. I still work. I’m a “trophy wife in training.”

    • “Trophy Wife in Training.” Does that mean we call you a TWIT? I’m just glad you don’t consider yourself a “Trophy Wife at Training.” 😉

  12. Love your post. As a Consolation Wife you are looking for a “Handy, but Not Randy Husband.” I’d like one of those too until I meet “the one.”

  13. Agreed. If I could just get someone to kill spiders for me and assemble the mass of furniture I’ve been ordering and pay for a cleaning lady once a week I’d be all about that. We wouldn’t even have to live together really.

  14. this is oddly familiar…although i think i’d classify more as booby (oops, i mean boobless) prize wife most of the time. but damn i feed that boy well.

  15. First of all, what is a Canadian accent?
    Secondly, I have a brother. He is only slightly overweight, has no job, two broken knee caps and a beater car. But he can fix a light bulb/toilet/automobile in a heartbeat. He is also good at opening jars and killing spiders; however, you will have to support him and give him gas money.
    As far as I can tell, he doesn’t have the accent, but he does live in Canada. We can work out the details at the reception.

  16. Once upon a time, I was a mutually compatible trophy wife you could say. We were both in our early 20’s when we married but that was a very long time ago (I am 57 now) and on this day I am rather taken with your concept. Perhaps what you need is a dog as they are faithful, they love you to the nth. degree and make no demands other than feeding and walkies…Unfortunately they will not keep you in the comfort you are used to, so alas, if you do go down the dog pathway, you will have to keep working. I look forward though to reading more of your attempts at becoming a Consolation Prize Wife…Viva L’Independence!!! PS. The replies are almost (not quite) as good as your blog! Cheers, Jen

    • “The comfort I am used to” consists of fixing things “The Abby Way” and working my dupa off to pay for said parts for fixing a cute Home Depot employee tells me I need. I hear you on the animal thing, in that I have always had a dog and will always enjoy my animals more than I enjoy most people, but have yet to find a pet that can replace an air filter. If this happens, I’m pretty sure I could live comfortably off the fame they would receive 😉 Win-win!

  17. LOL. My boyfriend is tragicomically unhandy and unskilled at any fix/clean/repair jobs that I’ve ever witnessed. He once exploded a Pur water filter like a bomb in his sink, which left me with only the instinctive and ungraceful option of ducking into the refrigerator for cover. :/ He tried to replace his own spark plugs (cost: $40 in parts) last month, and it ended up costing him over $400 in repairs to fix what he’d messed up under the hood. He’s great with electronics, Gen X or Y or Z or whatever boy that he is, but for other stuff I feel like Jill on Home Improvement: “No, don’t do it! Call the plumber!”

    Anywho, considering all that, I wonder if my boyfriend would mind if I hired one of the handy husbands too? 😉

    • That is a fanTASTIC idea! My hubby *is* able to do basic handiwork around the house, but it takes me reminding him 1,001 times before he finally gets around to doing it.

      Maybe we could work out a mutually beneficial arrangement whereby I have a consolation husband to do the chores my real hubby slacks off on, and my husband could have a consolation wife to do the cooking and family gathering socialization I so dislike (and am not very good at).

      I think you may be on to something…

  18. I friggen bought into the genepool when I was way to young to make the decision… now I have two kids my body is shit and I will NEVER have a sugar daddy! LIfe is so unfair to the flabby bellied!

  19. not sure why you’d want a hubby with a Canadian accent.. being a Canadian girl myself.. I don’t find Canadian and American speech patterns that different.

    maybe if you compare a Southern accent to a Newfie accent in which case I would take the Southern accent ANY DAY.. those newfies are just weird.

    • It’s because you’re Canadian that you don’t really notice it, I’m sure. People tell me I have a Michigan accent, which I totally don’t get.
      Anyway, I’ve always had a thing for Canadian accents due to a love of hockey, various hockey internships and interaction with the players. 😉

  20. I like your plan. Don’t overreach. LOL! Being a trophy wife would be too much work. You have to stay shiny all the time.

    What’s the next level down from consolation wife? That would be me. I’m a terrible cook, hate to clean and am a pain in the ass. I also don’t have any money of my own. Maybe I should charge for sex.

    • I’m also a pain in the ass and hate makeup, so that’s why I will never qualify for Trophy status. As for the sex angle, that’s the bonus about being a Consolation Wife–there is no sex involved, at least with each other. I think you’re kind of going in a different direction with your idea…

  21. Your post and the comments are hilarious. I used to think it was important to be a career woman and be independent financially and blah blah blah. What a bag of shit! I am ready to retire at the ripe old age of 35 so I can read and cook and do yoga. I’d even consider working one day a week! Alas, my husband is not going for this….at least as of yet but I’m working on it 🙂

    I’ve got a pretty cool brother in law who has all his teeth, is quite handy around a house, could give two shits if you wear any makeup as long as you like to hike and cook (he loves to cook). While he doesn’t have a Canadian accent, he’s working on it. He lives in Minneapolis right now.

    And I’ll see your Michigan accent and raise you mine 🙂

  22. I love how well basia sells her brother; I have mental images of a knee-less man fixing toilets at lightning speed.. My mother asked me today if a man I met recently could keep me “in the lifestyle to which I’m accustomed” and my brother asked “Does he keep pigs?” So I guess my family won’t be auctioning me off as a consolation wife with cleaning skills at the top of my resume… 😦
    Love the post!

  23. This is a great plan. Print this ad, publish. See what response you get and please, PLEASE blog about the results.

  24. I’ve been married for 12 years, and if I’m being honest, sometimes (although he’s a great mate) I wish I had been more independent and secure and wish I didn’t NEED someone in my life, don’t get me wrong, I love him, but sometimes I wish I didn’t need him. I’m still on a path to discovery to build a stronger me.

  25. This is exactly what I want. Too bad I’m already married. Let me know how it works out for you so I can decide what I want to do about Jason. 🙂 Also, can I please help out with the animal rescue center?

  26. Sounds like a perfect plan to me, Abby. I’m pretty low maintenance too so I’ll tell Derek I’m his consolation prize wife. He’ll be thrilled, as it saves him money hand over fist.

  27. Pingback: Posts That Shimmy & Shake: Abby Has Issues, Paul Waters & Kristen Lamb « Lessons From Teachers and Twits

  28. hello Abby !

    I am in love with both you and your blog. you just found the right words to describe what i am going to be in if my boyfriend ever marry me. A leisure wife, thing is I will have to work for the rest of my days if i want a retirement found… how do you call it, a slave wife ? thanks for our great great post !

  29. LOVE THIS. Seriously love love love this. I would even be happy to be a politician’s beard, except that most of the politicians whose politics I support would be OUT AND PROUD, so boo on that. But seriously – I’m GREAT at a cocktail party, and I clean up really nicely (emphasis on “clean up” – I look like a bridge-dwelling troll without a good bra, concealer, and half can of hairspray). Come to think of it, I kind of want to be a hybrid trophy wife/consolation prize wife. Maybe a Participation Trophy Wife? Or a “Most Improved” Trophy Wife? For that guy in high school with nice hair and good bone structure, who just needed a little time for the acne to mellow out and to polish up the social skills?

  30. I am a consolation prize wife! It’s lovely. I wish you the same, middlin’ standard of life.

  31. This sounds like my kind of marriage! 🙂 You were one of the most clicked links at last week’s #findingthefunny. We’re featuring you tomorrow, and I’m pinning this to our Finding the Funny Pinterest board.

  32. kelleysbreakroom

    I just read this one in your book!! Loved it!

    (Thanks for linking this up with us over at #findingthefunny last week! Congratulations on being one of the most clicked links!)

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