That’s where you came from

This is a post written in response to the prompt from the Studio30 Plus gang—"serendipity”.  It’s posted here and there.

Serendipity – Luck that takes the form of finding valuable or pleasant things that are not looked for.

It all started with a book.

where did i come from

Is it actually how I learned where babies come from?

Of course not, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t teach me a thing or two about the mechanics. It also doesn’t mean that despite the fact that they were cartoon characters, I still wasn’t skeptical or mildly horrified.

Up until that point I had a general idea about how things worked but the details were fuzzy, and quite frankly, I liked it that way. When my friend brought the book out, we flipped through it (many times) with a mix of curiosity and doubt. There was a lot of skeptical laughter, mostly at the thought of people actually doing that stuff on purpose.

where did i come from 1

The image that’s burned in my brain is that of the bathtub.

Well, not really the bathtub, but the two naked cartoon adults standing there in all their bare-assed glory. Their smiles and the decorative throw rug in that miniscule bathroom did nothing to distract from the tufts of hair strategically highlighted in lower extremities or the sagging body parts so openly displayed.    

These exhibitionists were smiling because they knew they were about to change the lives of children everywhere. With a turning of the page, there was no going back. There was no “unknowing” the things they were about to so happily illustrate through careful word choice and stark illustrations.

where did i come from

This book pulled no punches, and in a clear and concise way it explained exactly what happened when two people “loved each other and wanted to express their love.” While it gave you the basics, it left quite a bit out.

Here’s the true story.

First of all, take a look at the bathtub in that picture.

Although we would all be grateful if he actually attempted to sit down in the tub, there would be no room for him. And if by some miracle he squeezes in, there will be no water left. She will be cold, and additionally, she will be pissed because the floor would be flooded.

He will counter with the fact that less water meant more room for lovin’ and continue his advances, at which time she will remind him that if there was less of him to “love” and he actually ate the healthy lunches she sent to work with him each day, they might not have this problem.

Knowing he’s in a rather vulnerable position, he will gingerly counter with the fact that it’s actually her taking up the majority of the room in the tub— but that he still wants to fluff those fleshy pillows, if she’s in the mood.

She will not be in the mood.

In fact, she will be drying herself off with a towel, muttering about how her mother was probably right and double-checking to make sure she has adequate AA batteries in the nightstand.

He will be left holding the bag, so to speak, but all hope will not be lost. A man on a mission, he will set off to find a mop to rectify the situation. Realizing he doesn’t know where they keep the mop—and wisely keeping this information to himself—he will resort to towels.

And hour later, with his attempts to clean the floor complete, he would then proceed to enter the living room where his wife will be on the computer watching back episodes of “The Soup” and feeding her feelings with Fritos.

She will glance up and notice her husband, or rather, she will glance up and notice her husband has created a human towel rack with a certain member of his anatomy.

The ridiculousness of the situation will cause her to unexpectedly laugh.

He will laugh.

The resentment and towel will fall.

Serendipity.

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23 responses to “That’s where you came from

  1. I think I remember seeing that book when I was little at a friend’s house. My mom never resorted to such books. She pretty much told me how it was and it wasn’t like I understood anyhow. But there was no “Soup” in my mom’s version, because I’m pretty sure back then, Joel McHale was still in 9th grade health class or something.

    • My mom also told me how it was pretty early on. But going to my friend’s house and finding the book, well, that part is true. “The Soup” part and what followed is not 😉

  2. Yep. I was totally exposed to that awful book. Did you have the one about puberty, too?

    • I didn’t have the “What’s Happening To Me?” book. Although “it” happened in a Porta-Potty at a rodeo, I was pretty much expecting that one to roll around (puberty, not the sex.)

  3. LMFAO! I will never forget finding this book in the library on a school library trip and snickering for an hour with friends.

    Excellent rendition Abby.

  4. ROFLMAO!! OMG, I so remember that book! And the follow up :”What’s happening to me?”
    The books were my brother’s and I always snuck them out whenever I could to look at the pictures. I think it’s cause the cartoons looked like may parents and it freaked me out :p

    Visiting from Studio 30+

  5. ok ok ok ok!! Geeez stop you are killing me here!
    SPLENDID POST

  6. I’m pretty sure that book was also made into a movie, which I watched in fifth grade. The horror of the bathtub scene is firmly esconced in my mind. Thanks for breaking it down for me Abby. Now I can laugh about it!

    I don’t know when I first learned about the birds and the bees, but I remember already “getting it” by the time my mom sat me down. I’m guessing the playground?

  7. This is hilarious! Sadly, I did not have that book growing up. But my parents did have this book from the late 60’s, The Sex Book, which was a collection of black and white photographs of sexual scenarios. It was tucked between some boring law books of my father’s in a bookshelf in our hallway. It was quite eye opening. I’ve never talked about it with my parents- who it belonged to. It makes me think (although I want to poke my mind’s eye out when I do think about it) that my prudish mother had a wild side to her. Ewww.

  8. That is sooo not a way I would have seen Serendipity coming.. er, ending up? LOL I am definitely glad I never read that book when I was young. I think I would have been a bit disturbed.

  9. I don’t really remember how I learned about sex. I do remember the first time I read/saw ‘penis’ in a kids ‘human body’ book. I remember thinking OMG OMG OMG OMG and being completely facinated. And babies come out of WHAT??? hehe

    My little boy (in 5th grade and about to be 11) had to sit through a puberty class in school the other day. The girls were seperated from the boys of course. Earlier in the month we had to sign a slip that said it was ok for him to view it and it had the video website on there, so my husband and I watched it. Oh boy…haha! We let E watch it so he would know what to expect. At least he pretty much knew *most* of it. Of course when we asked him about it after he watched it wiht the class he said all the boys were giggling the whole time. Naturally.

    Guess its alllmost time for the birds and the bees talk. My husband will handle that one…

  10. Kath (My Funny Little Life)

    Hahaha! *Loved* it, and especially the last sentence! Too funny! 😀 I also love about the bathtub picture that parts of him are blanked out *in the mirror* as well! 😀 😀 😀

    I remember I also had a sex education cartoon book as a child. It wasn’t that one, though, but I found it pretty scary!

  11. I totally had those books growing up in the house as a child. I”m sure that’s why I’m messed up today. I find this hilarious to look at again. Thank you.

  12. Sex and sexuality basically did not exist in my household. I had no freakin’ clue what the hell was going on when I started my period (ok I had some idea but no idea how to tell my Mom!). Yeesh.

    I’m a little glad that I didn’t have access to this book. The bathtub scene is kinda frightening 🙂

  13. Reality never looked so tenderly snarky.

    Great piece!

    Came by via Studio 30+

  14. Given your two characters, I’m not sure there was any luck in finding a little somethin’ somethin’ under the towel, but this was a funny post. 🙂

    Well done!

  15. I’m bummed that I didn’t have access to this book growing up. I learned about the details of sex from the Dr. Ruth show. My parents didn’t realize I stayed up late to watch that.

    Very funny post.

  16. Funny.
    I remember that book.
    I remember premeditated sex.

  17. Never read the book, or heard of it, but it reminds me of the “birds and the bees” talk I got as a kid.

    I remember looking at my step-dad and thinking, wow, you must be really lame in bed. 🙂

  18. I remember that book! This post is hysterical! I just stopped by from Best Post of the Week.

  19. I am a professional sex educator, and I think this book is pretty great, actually. If a person thought it was gross or over the top, that suggests to me that their parents didn’t adequately prepare them at even younger ages to feel good about their normal body processes. If you wait til a kid is 10 or 12 to talk to them about this stuff, they usually feel really awkward about it, but if you start with honest and open information when they are very young, than this kind of thing is no big deal! Having books around the house is just one component of sexual education, but it is a really helpful strategy!
    Funny post 🙂

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