Tag Archives: writing

Rebecca from “Frugalista Blog” Has Issues

I prefer to say that I’m not cheap, I’m frugal—both financially and emotionally, if we’re being honest—so it makes sense that a blog called “Frugalista” would capture my attention.

Well, today’s blogger spilling her issues is THE Frugalista and also a co-writer in two of the anthologies I’m in—“I Just Want to Be Alone” and “You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth.”

She describes her blog as being “confessions of a middle aged drama queen, stuck in the burbs, running to PTA meetings and scooping cat poop. It’s a glamorous life. Join me.”

Minus the PTA meetings and scooping cat poop, we’re practically twins. Well, except she is married, has kids, is gorgeous and actually wears makeup. I guess what I’m saying is we’re both drama queens who live in the suburbs—frugally. 

Frugalista

Name: Rebecca Tipper Gallagher

Blog: Frugalista Blog (It’s a stupid name because it sounds weird to my ears when I say it. When folks ask me what it’s called, I always have to repeat myself.)

Where, what and why do you write?

I write on my couch with my laptop and my dog next to me. Sometimes my cat sits on the back of my couch judging me. He doesn’t cuddle, just sleeps from afar. I write about whatever suits me, which can be complaining about my husband, sharing my opinion regarding an issue or sharing beauty tips and makeup deals. I like to keep it funny and real. So sometimes I show myself topless or in Spanx. Why I write is mostly to entertain myself and embarrass my family.

 First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

Is this when Madonna does her yoga? I heard she does yoga first thing in the morning and before she goes to bed. I can barely get my feet to move down the stairs to the kitchen to make my tea. Of course, maybe if I did the yoga, I would feel better.

 What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

If we’re talking ‘global issue’ it would have to be human trafficking, which is not a joking matter. If we’re talking close to home, I’m pretty irritated with myself that I still have a roasting pan of baked penne in the back of my fridge that I’m too scared to clean out.

Three websites you visit every day.

Is this a trick question? Does social media count because there’s about four of those. So, Facebook. Duh. Yahoo, because I need my news BUT I like a bit of pop culture mixed in. Pinterest. Twitter. And Sephora. That’s more than three. Sorry.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

*Wink, wink.* I’ll let my husband answer that. *eyebrow raises*

Editor’s note: I think she means replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom, right?

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I would make dental care for old people free of charge. Why is it that old people who need dental work never can afford insurance? It’s horrible. Also, I would make Tuesdays free donut days. I think everyone would be happier with free donuts in their lives.

And, I would ban leaf blowers. When I see six yard guys at the apartment complex down the street blowing leaves all over the place at the same time and it’s a windy day, it chaps my hide.

Who would play you in the movie of your life?

If the movie is portraying my life now, I would say Amy Poehler. I think she would do it incredible justice. If the movie is portraying me as a younger version, I would pick Emma Stone because she is so gosh darn cute. And I would like to think that in my 20s, I was that cute too.

You can only eat three foods for a week. What are they?

Oh that’s easy because I only eat about five things a week. Is this like a Cambodian prison thing three things? Or like if I was at Martha Stewart’s for a week? I would have a seafood Louis salad, donuts and granola.

 The last thing you Googled?

Porn. Just kidding. It was water heater companies sadly.

Me again: If you say it with air quotes, it can maybe sound a bit sexy…? “Water” “heater” “company” *wink wink*

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

What do you think are more overrated? Unicorns or Mermaids? And I would answer mermaids. I don’t see the big deal over a woman or man who has no legs. I don’t know where the babies come out, or how the babies are made and it confuses me.

Deep thoughts, my friend. Deep thoughts. Now it’s your turn to go check out her blog after you answer our question:

What food would you want given away free every Tuesday?

Want a fun holiday gift? Buy the books and cool things!

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 P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.

Tara from “You Know It Happens At Your House, Too” Has Issues

Be honest. How many times have you done something like run out of the house in your robe and flip-flops in the snow to drag the trash bin out to the curb, had your neighbor notice you and think, “Oh, please. You know it happens at your house, too.”

Just me? No, I don’t think so, my friends.

That’s why this week’s blogger and “I Just Want to Pee Alone” contributor spilling her issues—Tara from You Know It Happens At Your House, Too—is so easy to like.

She has a farmer husband, five kids, a love for wine and a strong affection for Johnny Depp. She enjoys humor and dislikes uptight people. She drinks an absurd amount of coffee and depending on the day, an absurd amount of wine.

Lucky for us, I caught her on one of those latter days and she agreed to share her issues—and her talents with catching bodily fluids—with us.

Tara2 

Name: I usually go by “Hey *insert child’s name here* mom*, but for these purposes I’ll go by Tara

Blog:  http://youknowithappensatyourhousetoo.com

Where, what, and why do you write?

I write really great stuff in my mind, usually while in the shower which explains why it never makes it to paper.  I try my best to write the funny stuff, because I have hopes that somewhere someone will find me funny because my family really doesn’t.

 (Editor’s note: We find you funny, Tara. The Internet is your family. Come back to us now, my friend.)

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

Why have I not put a coffee maker on my night stand programmed to come on at the sound of the Red Hot Chili Peppers yelling at me to get up?  

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Chin hair. Women should NOT have chin hair. We have babies, the monthly “special time” and saggy boobs. We should absolutely NOT have to spend our free time looking for rogue hairs.  It’s bullshit really.

(Another note: Great. Another blogger rubbing it in that they have boobs and don’t have to resort to have a sock stuffed in their bra while sporting a mullet.)

Three websites you visit every day.

The Facebook–because if it isn’t on the Facebook, it never happened

The Twitter–because after being on the Facebook, I need to laugh about something.

One other reputable news source like Buzzfeed or The Onion.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I can change an explodo-poo diaper in the dark with absolutely no spillage and I can catch vomit in my hands. Both incredibly useful, yet completely useless.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

All Targets would be required to have an open bar next to Starbucks, because for the amount of money we spend in there they could at least buy us a drink or six.

Who would play you in the movie of your life?

I think my family would agree that we don’t need more than one of me, so I would play myself. The important question here is who would play Farmer Bob?  There is really only one answer to that.  Johnny Depp–because Johnny Depp.

You can only eat three foods for a week. What are they?

Nachos, burritos and Milk Duds. I wish I had a funny reason why, but really I just put those down because it’s all I’ve been able to think about since I read this question.

What’s the last thing you Googled?

How to spell the word restrant, restraint, resturant. You know, those places where we go to eat.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Quite frankly, I couldn’t have handled one more question. All I hear all day are questions: Mom, when’s lunch? Mom, where’s my shoe? Mom, does my underwear stink? Mom, why is she touching me?  Mom, when can we eat again?  Mom, do you need more wine?  I’m questioned out, except for that last one in which the answer is always yes.

So there you have it. Go check her out and show her some love on her blog and Facebook so when she goes on Shark Tank to pitch her coffee maker alarm clock, you can say you knew her back in the day. I’ll be back here on Sunday with more rambles.

First though, humor me. What’s the last thing you Googled?

Need a fun holiday gift? Buy the books and cool things!

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P.S. Facebook has changed it’s reach AGAIN and only 5-10 percent of people are seeing my updates. To ensure you’re not missing a thing, add my  Facebook page to your “Interests” lists, subscribe to my blog or follow me on Twitter.

Alyson of “The Shitastrophy” Has Issues

The name of the blog of today’s blogger spilling her issues should serve as a warning that if mild profanity upsets you, you should slowly back away for today.

(Waits a few seconds for the nuns and toddlers who most certainly read my blog to leave…)

With that said, she’s the shit. No, literally. That’s part of the name of her blog–The Shitastropy–a place she writes about her family, her life and the moments in time that leave her thinking “You can’t make this shit up.”

But another thing she writes about is mental illness, a subject you know that I know a few things about (unfortunately.) However, I’m so excited for her—and jealous, but whatever—because she is working on an anthology, “Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor,” that will be available March 2015.

They’ve compiled 38 poignant and hysterical pieces “to show people that they are not alone. Our hope is to mimic the real life ups and downs of mental illness and let others know that they will laugh again, that there is hope and that as bleak as moments are, there are options.” In addition, each author has selected a charity to support and highlight in their area.

 And that, my friends, is the shit.

alyson

Name:  Alyson, but I typically go by Jillian’s or Jake’s mom to the younger crowd

Blog:    The Shitastrophy

Where, what and why do you write?

Where: In my utopia—my office. This year I waited until my husband went away on a two-week trip (I’m no fool; better to ask for forgiveness than permission) and I had our office completely redone. New floors, painted all the dark woodwork white, new paint on the walls. Everything. It is now my Zen, and it has doors – that I keep shut. It sure as hell beats my old office, which was the kitchen table.

What: I mostly do sarcastic adult humor. I have no problem dropping in a rogue f-bomb if the situation calls for it. Sometimes there is no better word.

Why: Well, if I didn’t I would lose my damn mind. It is very therapeutic for me to let out all these crazy weird thoughts. I swear I am a walking Seinfeld episode.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

How much longer can I sleep before I really really have to get up? Two minutes? I’ll take it.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

I have numerous unfinished projects around my house that I am paying someone to complete and yet the person is missing in action all.the.time.

Three websites you visit every day.

I’m giving you categories because I am an overachiever:

  1. The big three of social media: Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest.
  2. The big three of news: CNN, Huffington Post, Bloomberg
  3. The big three of humor: Buzzfeed, College Humor, The Onion

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

Actually I am very skilled at making resumes and often tapped by friends to make theirs. I have yet to design one that didn’t get the person the job they wanted. Oh, and I am really good at organizing. I can look at shit and figure out where to put it like a game of Jenga. You would never know this looking at my house, because, well…kids.

(Editor’s note to self: Send Alyson resume for position of someone who gets paid to blog and taste-test hummus in yoga pants from my couch.)

Favorite place to be?

The ocean. I grew up at the Jersey Shore. I love the sound of the waves, the sea gulls (as long as they don’t sh*t on me – which happened once) and putting my feet in the warm sand.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I would say any asshat that gets in the right-hand lane and doesn’t turn right should lose their license. Also, I feel very strongly that the speed limit on all four-lane roads should be 45 MPH. I am also going with the law that people who hurt kids should go to jail forever – no chance for parole.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Given the holiday season, what are your favorite and least favorite Thanksgiving foods?

I actually hate, as in despise, turkey. This causes an issue on a day dedicated to turkey. When I was younger there were always pasta options because my mom’s side (who we spent the holiday with) are Italian. Now my in-laws host Thanksgiving, but they have a honey baked ham that I love. As for my favorite, well my husband’s Aunt Diane’s pumpkin bars are phenomenal and I eat like 4 or 5 and take some to go every year.

What superficial thing are you most thankful for?

My car. It’s not fancy, it’s a minivan, but if I had to walk places I would totally hate it. I will search a parking lot for 20 minutes to get a primo spot right up front. Sure, I realize I could have parked in the back nine and walked in five times by then, but it’s the thrill of the quest and the fact that I’m lazy.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Favorite thing – sleep followed up closely by coffee and beer.

So there you have it. Go check her out and see you back here next post!

Like the blog? Buy the books!

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P.S. If you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

Noa from “Oh Noa” Has Issues

The blogger spilling her issues today had made an appearance on this blog many times, but super secret like some super secret spy ninja.

You see, Noa from Oh Noa is the chairwoman, founder and super secret spy ninja leader of “The League of Funny Bit*ches Council” that I am proud to be part of.

In addition to pretending to be my friend, Noa inspires (commands) me to put away the snark for at least one post a month and put on my serious face—a face that basically says, “Resting bit*ch face is really a thing”—and write about her monthly focus topic.

So in some way if you haven’t read her blog before, you already kind of know Noa. And the best part? You can blame her for the crap that I put on this blog at least once a month.

Win-win!

At any rate, here she is in all her glory.

Noa

Name: Noa Dangerballs Gavin

Blog: Ohnoa.com, Oh Noa and The League Of Fu*#in’ Bitches

Where, what and why do you write?

I can write pretty much anywhere, but mostly at my coffee table, sitting on the floor like I’m living in Japan and not sad in Texas. I write a lot of different things: comedy sketches, inspirational things, journals, short stories, novels. I’M A DABBLER. I write because it’s honestly the only thing that keeps me sane. I associate with the world through stories, so without them, I feel very alone.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

I want an effin’ taco.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Women’s rights to make me sound cool (and also because people freaking hate women and that shit needs to stop.) The biggest one I faced today was the fact that chip companies cannot seem to standardize the taste of a barbecue potato chip, and screw that.

Three websites you visit every day.

Cracked, Listverse, Slate.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I was once in a bizarre sort-of-fight-club when I worked at Best Buy. I worked for another huge corporation within Best Buy and I got to be friends with some guys who were fighters, and I wished I was. So, one night we got drunk at one of their houses and they said, “Let’s start a fight club,” because that’s what drunk white boys do. So we did-and I wasn’t terrible. I lost, of course, and ended up with ALL the bruises, but I didn’t back down.

(Editor’s note: Umm…I got nothin’ with this one.)

Favorite place to be?

Outside on a warm patio with a cool breeze, a beer and a cigar and no mosquitoes. Preferably by an ocean. Or lake. River. Pond. A general feeling of water.

(Another editor’s note: I’m no expert, but if you’re looking for an escape from mosquitoes, you probably want to avoid the water when it’s warm outside. Then again, maybe the cigar smoke would ward them off? Carry on as you were…)

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

1) Everyone retakes the driver’s license exam every 10 years. You fail, you lose it forever. Driving is a privilege, not a right. People are so, so terrible at driving and I am tired of watching out for others on the roads.

2) Outlawed focus groups for movies and TV. They’ve done too much damage to the world of entertainment.

3) All grocery stores deliver. I hates it.

(Another note: 1) Yes, except I could be the exception. 2) Let’s just ban groups in general. For everything. 3) Considering I live at the grocery store, I can’t believe we’re friends.)

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Animated? Attack on Titan or Fullmetal Alchemist. Not-Animated? Top Gear. I want a chance at The Stig.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

I just moved, so best: food. Worst: non-food item that I cannot ID.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Do you love tacos? OH MY GOD I LOVE TACOS SO MUCH, ABBY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TACOS ARE? TINY MEXICAN SANDWICHES THAT CRUNCH AND ARE SPICY. YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING IN A TACO WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. TACOS ARE THE SPIRIT OF MY LIFE.

Well there you have it. A taco-loving, punch-throwing feminist with unidentifiable food in her fridge and mystery bruises. Go show her some love after playing our little game:

Tacos are to Noa as (insert food of choice here) are to you. And…go!

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Nicole from “Moms Who Drink and Swear” Has Issues & a Giveaway

Today you’re in for a real treat, as this week’s blogger has more than 1 million Facebook fans—yes, I said 1 million in a Dr. Evil voice—but is still completely down to earth despite the picture she sent me below.

In her own words, she is “gently and consistently offensive, but tenderhearted! I mean no harm, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be harmed by something I write. However, since I’m only responsible for what I write, not what you understand or how you interpret what I write, harm is a subjective term, so you could feel harmed, even though I told you that I mean no harm.”

Amen, sister. Amen.

But more than a blogger, best-selling author and Facebook freak, she’s also a mental health professional with two advanced degrees – one in psychology, the other in gerontology—and is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor working part-time in private practice.

Given my own issues with mental health, this make me love her even more in a “non-creepy-but-I-will-stalk-from-a-distance” kind of way. I’m certain that once you read below, enter a giveaway for a FREE copy of her book that I’m jealous someone will win and then go check her out, you will become a stalker as well.

Restraining orders, be damned.

nicole1

Name: Nicole Knepper, but I like to be called Sugar Tits

(Editor’s note: Who doesn’t?)

Blog: Moms Who Drink And Swear

Where, what and why do you write?

I write profanity-laced brain seepage all over the plan, but specifically on my blog and on Chicago Now. I like to write at McD’s and at home snuggled up with my wieners.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

I want coffee and I wonder if one of the dogs took a shit under the piano bench, and if so, what is the consistency of the shit?

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Myself. Always myself. I am chasing the fantasy that someday I’ll be able to manage my time.

Three websites you visit every day.

Chicago Tribune, Wall Street Journal, Vice

(Editor’s note again: By “Wall Street Journal,” I assume she means my blog. The two are easily confused.)

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I see auras. I’m not even f#cking kidding. It’s like energy coming off a person. I can just see and feel it and then I can work my own energy to make the interaction work.

Favorite place to be?

By the water. Not the bathtub or shower water or doing dishes or laundry water, but a body of water like the ocean or a lake.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Oooohh. I think I would have a silent day. If people wanted to communicate, they would have to write down stuff. It would make people think a bit more about what comes out of their brains and why.

(Another editor’s note: sign me up)

What TV show would you want to appear on?

I want to be a corpse on a crime show and I want the backstory to be grisly and puzzling.

(Fun fact: I once went to a Halloween party in Chicago and Gary Sinise (from CSI: NY and Forrest Gump) and his band, the Lt. Dan Band, were the entertainment. I miss CSI: NY. OK. Back to Nicole.)

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Best – Meyer lemon raspberry jam. Worst – Celery in the beginning stages of rot.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I wish you had asked me if my mother was a hamster or if my father smelled of elderberries. I would have answered in the affirmative, because of flesh wounds.

(Last note: I had no idea what she was talking about, but apparently it’s a Monty Python reference everyone knows but me. Let’s move on.)


Because she is so tenderhearted, she has offered to give away a copy of her book, “Moms Who Drink and Swear” to a random person who comments on this post answering the question below. The giveaway is open to U.S. residents with a sense of humor and a random winner will be drawn on Tuesday morning and notified via email.

Since there are a few movie references in this post, what’s a movie quote that you use all the time?

Like the blog? Buy the books and click below!

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Kate from “Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine” Has Issues

By now you know the deal. It’s Friday, which means I’m renting out this space to other writers who you should stalk so that I don’t look creepy doing it alone. Today we have someone I consider to be “Twitter Elite.”

What do I mean?

I mean she has more than 11,000 followers on Twitter. Yes, 11,000. I don’t have 11,000 of anything, other than possibly blog post drafts I’ve deleted or brilliant ideas that go down the shower drain the second I turn off the water.

Anyway, that number is impressive and well-deserved. Here’s Kate!

kate-head-shot

Name: Kate Hall

Blog: Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine?

Where, what and why do you write?

I write (mostly) humor in the form of blog posts, tweets and memes. I guess I write to make people laugh and to keep myself sane. It’s probably healthier to say, “I’m going to blog or tweet about this,” than to get mad about. Although typically I still get mad, but it still makes for a good post/tweet. I try to write posts that are honest and funny that people can connect with. I just ended that sentence with a preposition, but I don’t know how to fix it.

Anyway, I write wherever I can find a place to sit with a notepad. It’s pretty random – in bed, at Barnes & Noble, at the park, in the car, etc. – occasionally at the computer.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

I wonder if I have any Twitter or Facebook notifications on my phone?

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Where to eat out for dinner. That was an issue the night I first answered this question, but not anymore. We ate Mexican food and had big margaritas. I forgot about that issue.

Three websites you visit every day.

Twitter, Facebook, my weather app on my phone. Does that count as a website?

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

Blowing bubbles off my tongue and juggling. I’ve vlogged myself doing both.

Favorite place to be?

Outside on a warm beach, sitting under a canopy of palm trees swaying in a soft breeze while I listen to the waves roll off the ocean and sip frozen raspberry margaritas. There, or in bed watching Netflix.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Everybody should watch Netflix. It’s made my life calmer and more pleasant. I’m a happier person thanks to Netflix. It’s how I escape. Escapism is pretty awesome.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

That Wipeout show where the contestants run through the obstacle courses. That show makes me laugh out loud. I’d love to try it. I’d suck at it, but it would be fun.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Best: Strawberry margarita in a bottle.

Worst: Tomatoes that were overripe and were being attacked by fruit flies, so I put them in the fridge while I was gone over the weekend and now they’re even more disgusting and I should have just thrown them in the trash, but they were from my garden and I didn’t want to throw away something I grew because things I grow are like my “precious”…ya know?

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

You could ask: Do you have anything new you’re working on? Why yes, I do, Abby, thank you for asking.

I’m revamping my blogs so that I will have a landing page for everything I write/do. It will link to my three blogs: My humor blog (CanIGetAnotherBottleofWhine.com), my gardening with humor blog (currently at katewhinehall.wordpress.com, soon to be ITrytoGrowStuff.com), and a blog devoted to Twitter (soon to be BottleofTweets.com). All humor blogs, but with different foci. Is foci a word? I’m hoping to have this set up in the next week or so.


Your turn to play along. Since she’s the Twitter queen and Twitter is all about brevity, sum up your week in six words or less.

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Rach from “RachRiot” Has Issues

Do you hate bras? Cooking fancy meals? People with no sense of humor? Then this Friday’s blogger sharing their issues—Rachael of RachRiot—is your new best friend/wine-drinking sister wife of sorts.

If you’re on Facebook, you need to join the tens of thousands who “like” her page so you can participate in not just her witty updates, but also:

White Trash Wednesday: A day in which Rach asks, “How often have you been whipping up a canned meat masterpiece and thought to yourself, ‘Golly, I just wish I could keep my sauce and meat from mingling!’ Well, aim that sack o’ sauce right here- wait, what? Um…because it’s WHITE TRASH WEDNESDAY!! Tear off that apron and join me for a cocktail and confess your latest “white trash” creation.”

Yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like. But seeing as I’m a vegan not interested in mystery meat creations, I choose to participate in:

The Sunday Saggeth: A day in which Rach encourages people to ditch the over –the-shoulder-boulder-holder and join her floppy flock: “It is our high holy day, it is THE SAGGETH. Let us honor this day and do what is right and just- keep yourself unburdened by bras as I have commanded. I raise my hands skyward as my breasts hang floorward. Shout freedom! Free at last!”

Preach it, woman. So without further ado—or a bra—I present Rachael.

rachriot2

Name: Rachael Hebert Pavlik

Blog: Rach Riot

Where, what and why do you write?

I write humor, and according to my mother I’m very, very talented and have such a pretty face. I’m coming to you now from my secret lair, which looks a lot like my dining room table. Why do I write? Because my therapist is no longer returning my emails.

Along with my blog, I’ve written for Houston Family Magazine, Aiming Low, List Of The Day blog and also co-authored the best-selling anthology, “I Just Want To Pee Alone.”

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

F#ck you, daylight.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Right now? These underwear I have on. I won’t even call them “panties” because that connotes something sexy, and these draws are somewhere above my belly button, right around my rib cage. Sounds comfy (and sexy) but it’s not. It’s annoying. Maybe because I’m also wearing low-rise jeans. It’s a good look. Did I say sexy?

Three websites you visit every day.

Facebook, my blog (to see if magic literary fairies have written a blog for me as I slept — it could happen) and then, um…I usually Google something unspeakable. If anything ever happens to me, please erase my history and burn my laptop before the police come, OK? Thanks.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

The uncanny ability to offend large groups of people with a single sentence. My best work is usually on a speaker phone while your kids listen in.

(Editor’s note: If my internal dialogue was on speaker phone, I would be totally screwed.)

Favorite place to be?

George Clooney’s summer villa on Lake Como, Italy

(Editor’s note again: See you there! We can plane pool, which is like car pooling but in a plane, obviously.)

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I would do away with all restraining orders, because George Clooney is an overreactive paranoid freak sometimes. He’s so silly!

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Graham Norton or Drunk History, because duh. I’d also like to be one of Oprah’s gurus on Super Soul Sunday. Also duh.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Hmmm…I have an impressive collection of pepper jellies, some of them botulism flavor. The best? Booze, of course.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

You didn’t ask anything about my boobs and I don’t feel they get the attention they deserve! Jeeze. They are real and they’re spectacular. Thanks for asking!

(Final editor’s note: I purposely didn’t ask about your boobs because you have boobs and I don’t and that’s probably why I have issues so THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP.)


At any rate, be sure to check her out and show her some love—or some wine. I think she’s partial to the latter.

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