As odd as it sounds, one of my favorite things about summer is going to bed. Just lying on top of the covers with the window open, listening to the sounds of night—crickets, a breeze, my crazy chain smoking neighbor lady hacking into her flower boxes—is so totally peaceful for me.
Morning walks can sometimes have the same effect. Just walking around the neighborhood before most everyone wakes up — listening to the sounds of the birds and squirrels chirping, smelling the flowers as I pass, wondering why those people still have Christmas lights up—is so totally peaceful for me.
So while I can do without the 90 degree days, mosquitoes and overhearing the neighbor kids say, “Poke it with a stick and see if it still moves,” I must say that I will deal with it once in awhile for those few moments of peace I can find in the summer.
I’m not finding much peace with the increased meal plan situation in that I didn’t increase it all that much this week, it was just basically status quo from the week before. I guess I saw how hard it was for me over the weekend and decided that I needed another week of switching things up before I jumped into another challenge.
Part of me wonders if this is just an excuse. Maybe it was a cop out and maybe I can’t report as much success on Day 12 as Day 5. Regardless, I can say that I am becoming increasing aware of my weaknesses once again.
I mean this in a good-ish way (yes, I just said “good-ish.”)
For years I’ve spent time doing what I want food and exercise-wise, and I’ve come to rationalize and justify a lot of my choices. Now that I’m accepting that a lot of these thoughts are disordered and compulsive, I am able to see what I need to do to change. I can call “bullshit” on myself, in other words.
But it still comes back to food, at this point.
Just being aware of all the little tricks and mind games that I have come to accept as normal (that are in fact they are unhealthy) isn’t enough. Things have to change, and eliminating one behavior while holding onto another (increased meal plan but exercising, or not exercising but restricting) is like shooting myself in the foot—I limp along.
I’ll be honest. I’m having doubts about myself at this point. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep working at it, that I’m not going to take as much time as necessary tomorrow to actual compose an increased, varied meal plan with many different options instead of making excuses why I can’t.
It just means that this is much more of a struggle than I thought it would be and I hate feeling weak.
On another note, I am also becoming more aware of the foods that I do actually like more than others. Some were delicious and things I will continue to include, but some were “meh” and not necessarily things I want to eat in place of other stuff all the time. It was nice to try them and have something to base my decision on in the future–taste. Go figure.
Maybe those are the little moments of peace that I need to keep looking for, like the peaceful nights of sleep found among the emphysemic hacking (I think I just made up a word again) and swarms of biting bugs.
I just need to keep looking for little things that give me strength to keep on trucking along, challenging all my crap. When I find those motivations, I guess I have to “poke them with a stick and see if they still move.”
And if they don’t, I gotta move them anyway.
What are your favorite things about summer?
What’s your favorite summer meal to make?