Tag Archives: guest post

Alyson of “The Shitastrophy” Has Issues

The name of the blog of today’s blogger spilling her issues should serve as a warning that if mild profanity upsets you, you should slowly back away for today.

(Waits a few seconds for the nuns and toddlers who most certainly read my blog to leave…)

With that said, she’s the shit. No, literally. That’s part of the name of her blog–The Shitastropy–a place she writes about her family, her life and the moments in time that leave her thinking “You can’t make this shit up.”

But another thing she writes about is mental illness, a subject you know that I know a few things about (unfortunately.) However, I’m so excited for her—and jealous, but whatever—because she is working on an anthology, “Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor,” that will be available March 2015.

They’ve compiled 38 poignant and hysterical pieces “to show people that they are not alone. Our hope is to mimic the real life ups and downs of mental illness and let others know that they will laugh again, that there is hope and that as bleak as moments are, there are options.” In addition, each author has selected a charity to support and highlight in their area.

 And that, my friends, is the shit.

alyson

Name:  Alyson, but I typically go by Jillian’s or Jake’s mom to the younger crowd

Blog:    The Shitastrophy

Where, what and why do you write?

Where: In my utopia—my office. This year I waited until my husband went away on a two-week trip (I’m no fool; better to ask for forgiveness than permission) and I had our office completely redone. New floors, painted all the dark woodwork white, new paint on the walls. Everything. It is now my Zen, and it has doors – that I keep shut. It sure as hell beats my old office, which was the kitchen table.

What: I mostly do sarcastic adult humor. I have no problem dropping in a rogue f-bomb if the situation calls for it. Sometimes there is no better word.

Why: Well, if I didn’t I would lose my damn mind. It is very therapeutic for me to let out all these crazy weird thoughts. I swear I am a walking Seinfeld episode.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

How much longer can I sleep before I really really have to get up? Two minutes? I’ll take it.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

I have numerous unfinished projects around my house that I am paying someone to complete and yet the person is missing in action all.the.time.

Three websites you visit every day.

I’m giving you categories because I am an overachiever:

  1. The big three of social media: Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest.
  2. The big three of news: CNN, Huffington Post, Bloomberg
  3. The big three of humor: Buzzfeed, College Humor, The Onion

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

Actually I am very skilled at making resumes and often tapped by friends to make theirs. I have yet to design one that didn’t get the person the job they wanted. Oh, and I am really good at organizing. I can look at shit and figure out where to put it like a game of Jenga. You would never know this looking at my house, because, well…kids.

(Editor’s note to self: Send Alyson resume for position of someone who gets paid to blog and taste-test hummus in yoga pants from my couch.)

Favorite place to be?

The ocean. I grew up at the Jersey Shore. I love the sound of the waves, the sea gulls (as long as they don’t sh*t on me – which happened once) and putting my feet in the warm sand.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I would say any asshat that gets in the right-hand lane and doesn’t turn right should lose their license. Also, I feel very strongly that the speed limit on all four-lane roads should be 45 MPH. I am also going with the law that people who hurt kids should go to jail forever – no chance for parole.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Given the holiday season, what are your favorite and least favorite Thanksgiving foods?

I actually hate, as in despise, turkey. This causes an issue on a day dedicated to turkey. When I was younger there were always pasta options because my mom’s side (who we spent the holiday with) are Italian. Now my in-laws host Thanksgiving, but they have a honey baked ham that I love. As for my favorite, well my husband’s Aunt Diane’s pumpkin bars are phenomenal and I eat like 4 or 5 and take some to go every year.

What superficial thing are you most thankful for?

My car. It’s not fancy, it’s a minivan, but if I had to walk places I would totally hate it. I will search a parking lot for 20 minutes to get a primo spot right up front. Sure, I realize I could have parked in the back nine and walked in five times by then, but it’s the thrill of the quest and the fact that I’m lazy.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Favorite thing – sleep followed up closely by coffee and beer.

So there you have it. Go check her out and see you back here next post!

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Christine from “Keeper of the Fruit Loops” Has Issues & a Giveaway

At first glance, you might think that you hopped onto the wrong blog because it would appear that the blogger spilling her issues today and yours truly don’t have much in common.

After all, I’m the childless, snarky spinster and she’s a mom who blogs about her family and running the PTA. However, I also know that all my dear readers aren’t moms who drink and swear or childless, snarky spinsters, so I’m deviating from the norm and featuring someone a few of you might relate to.

Don’t worry. Sunday’s post will be my dysfunctional business as usual.

But along with being funny, she’s also a bulldog. We were in “I Just Want to Be Alone” together and this woman could sell ass implants to Kim Kardashian and is as dedicated to what she’s passionate about as I am to not reading anything about the Kardashians. And pesto. Now you know that I mean business.

So without further ado, I present to you the Keeper of the Fruit Loops.

Christine1

Name: Christine Burke

Blog: Keeper of The Fruit Loops

First thing you think of when you wake up?

That depends. My “during the week” answer is: “How can I get downstairs ninja-style to avoid waking the kids so I can have coffee for five minutes in peace?” My “weekend” answer is exactly the same, only I’m thinking it an hour later than I usually do during the week.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

The Ebola crisis. I mean, more people died going to work this morning than any American currently infected with the disease. And please, I can’t be bothered with Ebola minutia when Amal Alamuddin took George Clooney’s last name. Priorities, people. Priorities. Now, if George Clooney came down with Ebola, THAT’D be something worthy of my attention.

Three websites you visit every day?

I am assuming this question excludes Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. And also The Weather Channel. If we are referring to actual websites, I read every single word Foxy Wine Pocket writes.

Real Life Parenting is like reading the dialogue in my head and she’s writing the words I’m about to say. It’s actually a little creepy, but I still check her goings on every day because it’s fun to see what I’m thinking.

Finally, I’m embarrassed to say I check MSN’s celebrity coverage every day. It’s like brain candy. I skip all the Kardashian stories though, because…Kardashians.

(Editor’s note: If we could combine Ebola and Kardashians, we might be on to something.)

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I have been to all 48 states by car, the majority of which were while riding the hump seat squished between my two brothers in an early ’80s Chevy Cavalier. Though I suppose I could put that on my resume if I ever applied to a travel agency.

I can write backwards fluently and am adept at reading things upside down. That’s especially helpful for magazine quizzes because I’m too lazy to turn the magazine around to confirm I got the answers correct.

(Another editor’s note: She said, “hump seat.” Tee-hee.)

Favorite place to be?

The beach. Preferably with no kids near me asking for Fritos, sand toys and ice cream. Also preferable: a cocktail, book and no one else’s kids asking me for Fritos, sand toys and ice cream.

(Editor’s note again: Give the kids a cocktail. Problem solved.)

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Everyone would be forced encouraged to read my blog, Random House would be forced encouraged to give me a book deal and absolutely NO ONE would be allowed to eat candy corn or circus peanuts. And anyone caught judging me would be subject to listen to Justin Bieber’s “Baby” on continuous loop until my reign ended.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

I have always wanted to be on The Today Show, because…Matt Lauer. Well, the Matt Lauer before all the Ann Curry ugliness.

Best/Worst Thing in your refrigerator right now?

Best: A kickass, slap your grandma delicious, homemade by moi chicken noodle soup. I made it last night from scratch and I’m already craving the leftovers.

Worst: A forty of Old English 800 given to my Hubby as a joke from a friend. So ridiculous.

What question do you wish I had asked and what would your reply be?

Q: How did you find my blog and what do you love about it?

A: I was delighted to find your blog after being accepted as a contributor to IJWTBA. I fell in love with your hysterical Facebook updates and your blog makes me giggle all the time. In fact, your Facebook page is one of the few that I have in my personal feed AND my fan page feed (that’s huge, FYI). And, also, I’m so totally doing an “Abby Has Issues” Christmas for my friends…your quotes on mugs bring me great joy.

(Last editor’s note: I SWEAR I didn’t pay her to say that as I’m not rich enough to bribe people and even if I was, I would probably spend the extra money on additional snacks. My point is that I’m embarrassed that’s what she chose to reply with because I don’t really handle compliments well—or rejections, which means I pretty much don’t handle anything well—but I humbly accept this response.)

And because she’s a giver, we’re giving away a copy of “I Just Want to Be Alone” to a random person who comments on this post answering the question below. The giveaway is open to U.S. residents and a random winner will be drawn on Monday morning and notified via email.

Even if you have a copy of the book, play along and then go check out her blog. I’ll see you back here Sunday.

In the spirit of Fruit Loops, what was your favorite cereal as a kid?

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Annie from “Swirleytime” Has Issues

Today’s brave blogger sharing their issues won me over not only because she’s funny or because she bribed me with the promise of the spare change she found in her couch, but because she’s also a) close to her mom and b) familiar with the role of caretaker.

We’re keeping things light today, but it reinforces the theory that humor can be used to heal. Then again, so can copious amounts of carbs and it’s really a toss-up some days and quite frankly, a win either way.

Anyway, meet Annie (and her mom, who she describes as a “vigorous greeter”.)

Anna2

Name – Annie

Blog www.chicagonow.com/swirleytime

 Where, what and why do you write?

I work from my jacked up office/playroom in Chicago. I mostly write about things that annoy me like my mom, my kid, the 12,000 construction projects currently going on around my house and people who park in rush hour lanes. As far as I am concerned, if you block traffic due to pure asshattery, you deserve to get your car keyed.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

“Who is this man sleeping next to me?” Then I slink out of bed, quietly open an overstuffed drawer and put on pants. Only after I am clothed do I whisper to myself. “That man sleeping in bed is named Lee-Roy. He is my husband. You are a total freak for all the wrong reasons.” This is 100 percent true 90 percent of the time.

(Editor’s note: I think the same thing, except it’s “Where did this almond on the pillow come from?” right before I shrug and just eat it. This is 100 percent true 100 percent of the time.)

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Merge lanes. Specifically assholes who deem it acceptable to sit in your blind spot as you try to jump on the highway at speeds faster than 4 MPH. And just as you enter their lane, they move over to the right to exit. Dicks.

(Another note: Yup. We’ve been over this. It’s remarkable how we’re the only people on the planet who don’t drive like Helen Keller.)

Three websites you visit every day.

I want to say BBC (because I am international like that), Lumosity (I am too cheap to subscribe) and Epicurious because I am a fancy foodie. But that would be a lie. If I am being honest Bradsdeals (you’ve got to spend money to make money, fools), ChicagoNow and Slate.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I can recite pretty much the entire script of Overboard (1987) from memory. “Andrew, are you going to bring me my lemonade or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?”

Favorite place to be?

Movies. Phone off, kid hopefully with sitter, endless carbs, stealth consumption of booze and a break from the chaos inside my noggin.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Creation of season six The Wire would be federally mandated and funded.

People who:

  • text and drive,
  • stand on the left (walking) side of escalators,
  • turn off their lights on Halloween so kids don’t ring their bell, and
  • shame moms for doing this or that. They should be rounded up and systematically punched in the babymaker.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Freaks and Geeks. Preferably as a geek, though I suppose they aren’t mutually exclusive categories.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Can of Ready Whip and 4-week-old Brussels sprouts. And some moss. A lot of moss.

(Editor’s note again: So…the Ready Whip is the best thing?)

What question do you wish I had asked you?

Does wearing a Lululemon sweatshirt I was given as a gift make me an a-hole because I don’t do yoga? I’m not one of those ridiculous people who spends $300 on yoga pants and gets them hemmed–HEMMED–like the Lululemonites. But if i take the zipper toggle off, it becomes less obvious. It’s just a black sweatshirt and I like the thumb hole thingies that keep your hands warm, but now i feel like a huge hypocrite.

(Last editor’s note: This is a dilemma. Normally I would say anyone who spends more than $50 on yoga/exercise pants is crazy, but considering it was a gift, wear it. Especially seeing as you’re in Chicago. You need to keep those fingers warm so that the middle one can be used to express your delight at people who don’t know how to merge. You’re excused. )

With that cleared up, go check her out after you play our game. SHARING IS CARING.

Speaking of “questionable” clothes, I have to admit that I have my “good T-shirts” and my “home T-shirts” (along with “good” yoga pants and “home” yoga pants.)

What is your “I probably shouldn’t wear this out in public” article of clothing? 

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Noa from “Oh Noa” Has Issues

The blogger spilling her issues today had made an appearance on this blog many times, but super secret like some super secret spy ninja.

You see, Noa from Oh Noa is the chairwoman, founder and super secret spy ninja leader of “The League of Funny Bit*ches Council” that I am proud to be part of.

In addition to pretending to be my friend, Noa inspires (commands) me to put away the snark for at least one post a month and put on my serious face—a face that basically says, “Resting bit*ch face is really a thing”—and write about her monthly focus topic.

So in some way if you haven’t read her blog before, you already kind of know Noa. And the best part? You can blame her for the crap that I put on this blog at least once a month.

Win-win!

At any rate, here she is in all her glory.

Noa

Name: Noa Dangerballs Gavin

Blog: Ohnoa.com, Oh Noa and The League Of Fu*#in’ Bitches

Where, what and why do you write?

I can write pretty much anywhere, but mostly at my coffee table, sitting on the floor like I’m living in Japan and not sad in Texas. I write a lot of different things: comedy sketches, inspirational things, journals, short stories, novels. I’M A DABBLER. I write because it’s honestly the only thing that keeps me sane. I associate with the world through stories, so without them, I feel very alone.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

I want an effin’ taco.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Women’s rights to make me sound cool (and also because people freaking hate women and that shit needs to stop.) The biggest one I faced today was the fact that chip companies cannot seem to standardize the taste of a barbecue potato chip, and screw that.

Three websites you visit every day.

Cracked, Listverse, Slate.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I was once in a bizarre sort-of-fight-club when I worked at Best Buy. I worked for another huge corporation within Best Buy and I got to be friends with some guys who were fighters, and I wished I was. So, one night we got drunk at one of their houses and they said, “Let’s start a fight club,” because that’s what drunk white boys do. So we did-and I wasn’t terrible. I lost, of course, and ended up with ALL the bruises, but I didn’t back down.

(Editor’s note: Umm…I got nothin’ with this one.)

Favorite place to be?

Outside on a warm patio with a cool breeze, a beer and a cigar and no mosquitoes. Preferably by an ocean. Or lake. River. Pond. A general feeling of water.

(Another editor’s note: I’m no expert, but if you’re looking for an escape from mosquitoes, you probably want to avoid the water when it’s warm outside. Then again, maybe the cigar smoke would ward them off? Carry on as you were…)

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

1) Everyone retakes the driver’s license exam every 10 years. You fail, you lose it forever. Driving is a privilege, not a right. People are so, so terrible at driving and I am tired of watching out for others on the roads.

2) Outlawed focus groups for movies and TV. They’ve done too much damage to the world of entertainment.

3) All grocery stores deliver. I hates it.

(Another note: 1) Yes, except I could be the exception. 2) Let’s just ban groups in general. For everything. 3) Considering I live at the grocery store, I can’t believe we’re friends.)

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Animated? Attack on Titan or Fullmetal Alchemist. Not-Animated? Top Gear. I want a chance at The Stig.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

I just moved, so best: food. Worst: non-food item that I cannot ID.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Do you love tacos? OH MY GOD I LOVE TACOS SO MUCH, ABBY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TACOS ARE? TINY MEXICAN SANDWICHES THAT CRUNCH AND ARE SPICY. YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING IN A TACO WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. TACOS ARE THE SPIRIT OF MY LIFE.

Well there you have it. A taco-loving, punch-throwing feminist with unidentifiable food in her fridge and mystery bruises. Go show her some love after playing our little game:

Tacos are to Noa as (insert food of choice here) are to you. And…go!

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Patti from “Insane in the Mom Brain” Has Issues

I was introduced to this week’s blogger on Facebook by Rach from RachRiot because a) they’re best friends in a “can’t imagine them in the same room” type of way and b) apparently both me and Patti had some of our blog material stolen by the same lovely, considerate person.

And as everyone knows, nothing bonds two people quicker than a mutual hate of someone else. Oh, and humor. Something else that she has a ton of and I pretend to have.

So without further ado, welcome to her world. Buckle up.

patti

Name: Patti Ford-Reedus-Pratt

Blog: Insane In The Mom-Brain

Where and why do you write?

I write in a van down by the river. I write a bunch of nonsensical words that spew out of my head very quickly and without any thought whatsoever. Most of the time I think to myself “Girl, nobody is gonna get this and they’re all gonna think you’re an idiot.” Then I post it anyway because if I don’t let all of this weird crap out of my head then I will probably explode.

Also, I’m an attention whore.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

The first thing I think when I wake up in the morning is “F*ck you, alarm clock!” Then the second thing I think is, “Yay! It’s time to get up and have coffee and poop!” The third thing I think is, “I may have some sort of mood disorder.”

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

My main frustration right now is that I’m not “allowed” to kick the junk all of the people who annoy me. I’d like just one hour to go junk kicking. ONE HOUR. No murder. Only nad and taco kicking. I mean, come on!

Three websites you visit every day.

Facebook (attention whore, duh), Amazon (one click ordering and free shipping are my bitches) and HOUZZ (who ARE all of you people with the beach mansions and why aren’t you inviting me over?)

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

The fact that I won The Nobel Peace Prize for my accomplishments in the field of Physics in 2011. The reason that I can’t put that on a resume is because it isn’t true. That doesn’t keep me from saying it though. I think that most people are too lazy to research things anyways, so I could probably get away with it if I started wearing glasses or something so I looked smarter. And maybe just every now and then I can throw out words like “Alpha particle” or “Transverse Wave.”

Man, pretending to be an award-winning physicist is easy.

Favorite place to be?

On a beach in Mexico with a Modelo in my hand, at an awesome drag bar, on the back of a motorcycle being drive by Norman Reedus or anywhere in my imagination. Except when my imagination involves spidery or murdery things, which is actually quite often.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

If you’re a bully, asshole or Internet troll (all kind of the same thing) then you get a public junk punching followed by six months of house arrest where you have to watch only The Kardashians and listen to Celine Dion and Mariah Carey on a freakin’ loop.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

I’ll tell you what I don’t want to appear on: Naked and Afraid. My ass is my least favorite part of my body and that seems to be the part that they showcase on that show.

Ain’t no way no how I’d ever let all of America see my naked butt. Utah, maybe, but the rest of America? No thanks.

As for a show I’d like to go on, I’d want to either be a zombie on The Walking Dead (the first zombie that gets a make out session with Daryl) or maybe I’d like to go pickin’ with Mike and frank on American Pickers or do that Tight Pants dance with Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

I don’t know if you mean best as in most healthy or most delicious. You really should be more clear in your questioning if you’re going to interview very important people such as myself. I mean, seriously.

Well, if you mean most healthy then that would be spinach. If you mean most delicious that would be slice and bake cookies. The worst thing is some fresh mozzarella that’s been in there for weeks and has gone bad but I don’t want to touch it to throw it out because stinky cheese scares the crap out of me.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I wish you had asked me what I did this summer. I would have said, “I spent most of it at the beach. I met a boy there.” Then you’d say, “You hauled your cookies all the way to the beach for some guy?” Then I’d say, “Well he was sorta special.” And you’d say, “There ain’t no such thing.” Then I’d say, “He was really romantic.” Then I’d have started performing “Summer Nights.”

Oh well, opportunity missed.

Good going, Abby.

Good friggin’ going.


I know, I know. What’s my problem? Anyway, go check her out and I’ll see you back here on Sunday with a new post. I’m sure “Summer Nights” will be out of my head by that point.

Like the blog? Buy the books and click below!

P.S. If you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

Nicole from “Moms Who Drink and Swear” Has Issues & a Giveaway

Today you’re in for a real treat, as this week’s blogger has more than 1 million Facebook fans—yes, I said 1 million in a Dr. Evil voice—but is still completely down to earth despite the picture she sent me below.

In her own words, she is “gently and consistently offensive, but tenderhearted! I mean no harm, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be harmed by something I write. However, since I’m only responsible for what I write, not what you understand or how you interpret what I write, harm is a subjective term, so you could feel harmed, even though I told you that I mean no harm.”

Amen, sister. Amen.

But more than a blogger, best-selling author and Facebook freak, she’s also a mental health professional with two advanced degrees – one in psychology, the other in gerontology—and is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor working part-time in private practice.

Given my own issues with mental health, this make me love her even more in a “non-creepy-but-I-will-stalk-from-a-distance” kind of way. I’m certain that once you read below, enter a giveaway for a FREE copy of her book that I’m jealous someone will win and then go check her out, you will become a stalker as well.

Restraining orders, be damned.

nicole1

Name: Nicole Knepper, but I like to be called Sugar Tits

(Editor’s note: Who doesn’t?)

Blog: Moms Who Drink And Swear

Where, what and why do you write?

I write profanity-laced brain seepage all over the plan, but specifically on my blog and on Chicago Now. I like to write at McD’s and at home snuggled up with my wieners.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

I want coffee and I wonder if one of the dogs took a shit under the piano bench, and if so, what is the consistency of the shit?

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Myself. Always myself. I am chasing the fantasy that someday I’ll be able to manage my time.

Three websites you visit every day.

Chicago Tribune, Wall Street Journal, Vice

(Editor’s note again: By “Wall Street Journal,” I assume she means my blog. The two are easily confused.)

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I see auras. I’m not even f#cking kidding. It’s like energy coming off a person. I can just see and feel it and then I can work my own energy to make the interaction work.

Favorite place to be?

By the water. Not the bathtub or shower water or doing dishes or laundry water, but a body of water like the ocean or a lake.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Oooohh. I think I would have a silent day. If people wanted to communicate, they would have to write down stuff. It would make people think a bit more about what comes out of their brains and why.

(Another editor’s note: sign me up)

What TV show would you want to appear on?

I want to be a corpse on a crime show and I want the backstory to be grisly and puzzling.

(Fun fact: I once went to a Halloween party in Chicago and Gary Sinise (from CSI: NY and Forrest Gump) and his band, the Lt. Dan Band, were the entertainment. I miss CSI: NY. OK. Back to Nicole.)

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Best – Meyer lemon raspberry jam. Worst – Celery in the beginning stages of rot.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I wish you had asked me if my mother was a hamster or if my father smelled of elderberries. I would have answered in the affirmative, because of flesh wounds.

(Last note: I had no idea what she was talking about, but apparently it’s a Monty Python reference everyone knows but me. Let’s move on.)


Because she is so tenderhearted, she has offered to give away a copy of her book, “Moms Who Drink and Swear” to a random person who comments on this post answering the question below. The giveaway is open to U.S. residents with a sense of humor and a random winner will be drawn on Tuesday morning and notified via email.

Since there are a few movie references in this post, what’s a movie quote that you use all the time?

Like the blog? Buy the books and click below!

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The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva Has Issues

It’s Friday! Another blogger is spilling their issues, and seeing as I’m domestically disabled myself, it only makes sense that today’s blogger is here to help show me the way.

As you can see from the picture below, Susan actually puts curlers IN HER HAIR which makes her super fancy considering I’ve been known to leave the house with one still stuck in my head.

It happened once, okay? Let’s move on.

Anyway, I now present Susan—Mom. Blogger. Humorist.

susanawkward2

Name: Susan McLean

Blog: The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

Where, what and why do you write?

Generally I try to stick to writing humor only and I’m coming to you live from Delaware. I started writing to keep my brain from atrophying when I quit my full time career to stay at home with a four year old, two year old and an infant.  They were really cute, but not much for conversation.

Before staying home, then transitioning into my current social media role, I used to be in corporate training. I created training materials, played system administrator (which was surprisingly a lot like Atari’s Space Invaders), and mostly practiced my stand-up and passed out lots of candy when I would facilitate classes in hopes of winning over the hearts and minds of my captive audience. (Seriously, they were captives. They had to be there).

Mostly you’ll find me writing for myself on my blog because when I actually have something that I think is funny, I like to make sure I’m getting full credit.  I’m also officially a Huffington Post Blogger, and every once in a while you’ll see me popping up someplace reputable like Redbook (seriously, that happened).

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

Plotting how and when I can drink my first cup of coffee.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

My kids are getting older, smarter and they keep finding my best hiding places.  I’m worried they’ll find my stash of high-fructose, non-organic, GMO snacks soon that I’ll be forced to share.

Three websites you visit every day.

The Facebook, Pinterest and The Weather Channel.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I’m double jointed.  It’s not as sexy as it sounds.

Favorite place to be?

I like going to yoga, or as I like to call it, my “book club for one!” You see, when I “go to yoga” instead of doing classical yoga poses, I drive myself to Dunkin Donuts for a coffee and a snack then sit in my car for about an hour reading a book. I wish I had listened to people and done this sooner. Yoga is so refreshing.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

If I could take a swipe at the Internet troll population, I’d try to ban as many of them as I could from the Web in one day.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

I love the Walking Dead!  I’d make a great love interest for Daryl or I’d even settle for being a zombie extra. I’d also do unspeakable things to be on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. (Call me, Jimmy!)

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Lots of fruits and veggies – and lots of cheese.  I special order my cheese from Vermont, not because I’m fancy, but because I’m lactose intolerant. Also, I’m intolerant of my lactose intolerance, so I searched high and low until I found a great naturally aged and lactose free cheese from Cabot.  I order about 15lbs at a time. Don’t judge.

Editor’s Note: I’m a vegan with OCD who will spend more time picking out a head of broccoli than picking out her clothes. I don’t judge.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I wish you would have asked me if I always looked like this and the answer would have been “no.”  I used to be fit and sort of fabulous.  Now I’m usually frizzy and frazzled.  I once had legs that were long and lean, but now that more accurately describes my breasts.  Whoever said “kids keep you young” must have never had them.


I’ll assume by “never had them” she means kids and that this isn’t another blogger taking a swipe at the fact that my chest is concave. Perhaps I’m projecting.

At any rate, do yourself a favor and go check her out after answering the following question:

What’s one snack that you hate to share and would hide from anyone else if you could? (We’ll pretend that you always share.)

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