Tag Archives: food network

A Day in the Life

Posted on August 5, 2012 | 43 Comments

Sometimes I envy bloggers who live super exciting lives filled with travel and social engagements that make for great stories. Then I remember that I don’t really enjoy traveling and only like being social in limited doses, so that envy gets wiped away with my Wet Jet on “Swiffer Saturday.”

But I thought I would humor myself and the dozens who read this with a hypothetical “day in the life” post.*

*Some of the logistics are a bit fuzzy, but that’s only because the day was so full and enriching that details fell by the wayside. Or maybe it’s because of the Vodka. Don’t judge.

5 a.m. Alarm rings for work.

5:01 a.m. Remember I’m working from home, seeing as I got that great gig writing a “Dear Abby”-type column. Throw alarm across the room.

8 a.m. Wake up again on my own.

8: 15 a.m. Remind hot hockey player boy toy to lock the door as he leaves. Thank him for his services the night before (I could never have cleaned the gutters on my roof without his help.)

8:30 a.m. Be grateful I can wake up and do exactly what I love—eat—and do just that, enjoying the first of many feedings for the day.

8:45 a.m. Go online. Read that the Tigers have continued their 82-game winning streak and see my inbox is filled with fan mail, freelance writing opportunities that require minimal thinking/maximum pay and coupons for all my favorite products.

9 a.m. Work out. Learn that anyone—male or female—who marinates in perfume, refuses to wipe off the machine or wears shorts so short and tight they would be considered in bad taste at a gay Mardi Gras parade will be asked to leave.

10 a.m. Go home to shower and snack. Delight in the fact that for once, my hair doesn’t make me look homeless.

10:30 a.m. Flip on the big screen TV. Discover reality shows involving dating and entertainment “news” are all cancelled. Forever.

11 a.m. Forget to be productive.

11:30 a.m. Jump in the car and speed out to meet Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell for lunch at a great vegan restaurant.

11:35 a.m. Celebrate the local police department honoring National “Give Only a Warning” Day and avoid a ticket.

Noon Enjoy lunch. Laugh a lot. Forget to offer to pay.

12: 30 p.m. Learn anyone who starts their tweets “That moment that…” or uses more than two hashtags per tweet has been banned from Twitter. Smile.

1 p.m. Serve as a guest judge for a veggie episode of “Chopped” where I pull my best Gordon Ramsey impression and throw things around the set.

2 p.m. Get offered a full-time position with the show.

2:30 p.m. Go on a shopping spree through Trader Joes on the Food Network tab—I had that written into my contract—and hop on a plane for Detroit.

3:30 p.m. Actually answer my phone and hear that my lawsuit against Comcast for emotional distress has been settled for millions.

4 p.m. This announcement becomes public and I learn I’ve become Queen to the millions of people who have suffered similar psychological damage via Comcast.

Request tiara.

5 p.m. Arrive in Detroit for dinner with Buster Olney and Scott VanPelt (ESPN people). Talk a lot of sports. Forget to offer to pay.

6 p.m. Agree to co-write several features with Buster for “Baseball Tonight” before taking my seat at the game.

9 p.m. Celebrate Tiger victory and head home, snacking and sipping a Vodka gimlet on the plane with Eminem while discussing how badass I look in my tiara . (Or how I went the whole day without realizing a dryer sheet was stuck in the leg of my pants. Again, the details are fuzzy.)

10:00 p.m. Arrive home, forget to floss and hit the hay. After all, tomorrow is still “Swiffer Saturday.”

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This begs the question, “If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?”

To be honest, I probably couldn’t decide and would end up staying home to eat in my dining room while watching a bird gang bang under my bird feeder, but whatever. Play along.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged anti-social, blogging, Comcast, day in the life, Eminem, ESPN, food network, gym, I'm not that exciting, Tigers

If You Can’t Take The Heat

Posted on June 8, 2012 | 58 Comments

Despite the fact that my cooking style is not a style at all, I love food shows like “Restaurant: Impossible,” “Unwrapped” and those that are competition-related.

I admit I enjoy seeing people running around kitchens and getting judged on things that will never happen in real life—like creating 1,000 cupcakes in two hours or seeing the Iron Chef chairman back-flip into the kitchen with a sword and orders to cook a whole meal with a walnut.

I also realize they’re bit ridiculous, so I’ve included a few things you can expect to see almost every episode from a couple of them that I watch.

When it comes to American Gordon Ramsay shows, I prefer “Kitchen Nightmares,” but the new season of “Hell’s Kitchen” just started. The gist is 18 competitors subject themselves to verbal abuse and backstabbing manipulation in an attempt to cook their way into a head chef position at one of Ramsay’s restaurants.

With his reputation on the line, Gordon doesn’t take any of the bull crap. This produces a lot of colorful dialogue, gourmet dishes and the illusion that the cooks have learned something other than British profanity.

When actually asked to cook, contestants suddenly forget how to boil water and Gordon will throw things at them.
Someone will overcook fish and undercook rice, crimes ranking second only to “being a cow” in the world of Ramsay.
Gordon will yell, “Shut it down!” in the middle of the service.
Gordon will yell, “This is raw! You’re going to kill somebody!”
Gordon will yell that every service is “the worst dinner service in history!”
Contestants will sell out their mother in a dramatic tribal counsel-like elimination ceremony in an effort to not have their picture burned as the show fades to the closing credits.
When dramatically forced to give over their apron, the eliminated chef will say, “you haven’t seen the last of me.” You will have seen the last of them.

Moral of the story: It’s scripted and over the top, but until the British versions of Ramsay’s shows are available OnDemand, I take what I can get.

Also, don’t ever make a mistake or Gordon will throw it at you.

Four chefs compete before a panel of three expert judges to create a three-course meal in under 30 minutes or so with “mystery ingredients” found in a basket. Once they’re done, they present each course to the unenthused judges and one chef gets chopped. The winner gets $10,000.

First of all, the secret ingredient in every single dish is sweat. Although entertaining to watch, you’ll be completely grossed out and wonder how anyone can eat anything presented.
Whoever creates the basket is a sadistic bastard. “For the dessert round, you have to use unicorn horn, pancetta, pink currants, crème fraiche.” Really?
At least one contestant will bring up the fact they’re self-taught, are competing for a dying relative or that they “didn’t come here to lose.” (That’s probably a good competition strategy.)
One of the judges will flap their hands around in the final seconds of a round yelling, “just get something on the plate!” and then bitch about whatever ended up on the plate.
The host—Ted Allen—will inevitably try to talk to a contestant while they are moving really fast, get in their way and stress them out even more.
After forgetting to use a required ingredient or stabbing Ted when he tried to talk to them, a contestant will angrily blame the judges, the oven or the contestants for losing.
When interviewed, they will say, “you haven’t seen the last of me.” You will have seen the last of them.

Moral of the story: The only way I could compete on this show is if the basket ingredients were avocado, sprouted grain bread and Bobby Flay himself.

So spill it—do you watch any food shows? If not, what’s the one thing you would cook if you were put on the spot?

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Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged Chopped, food network, food. Gordon Ramsay, Hell's Kitchen, I swear I usually only watch sports, TV

Sweet Shamelessness

Posted on August 14, 2011 | 30 Comments

This is the first post in my 30 Posts of Shamelessness Challenge—declare your love for an uncool TV show.

True: I’m not ashamed to say I’ve never seen an episode of “Jersey Shore,” “So You Think You Can Dance” or “Toddlers & Tiaras,” so that’s not my confession for this post.

True: While I imagine that my sports viewing choices would probably be deemed “uncool” by all of you who don’t like sports, there’s no shame in my (literal watching of a) game. “Baseball Tonight” is my favorite show.

False: It was easy to pick one show I love that could be considered “uncool,” especially because I don’t really watch that much TV other than sports and “cool” shows, of course.

So I was going to write about my love of any show Chef Gordon Ramsay is on, as I will watch “Hell’s Kitchen,” “Kitchen Nightmares” and my favorite, “Ramsay’s Best Restaurant,” whenever they are on.

But then realized that with the exception of “MasterChef”—the lamest show ever— I don’t feel that shameful about it.

Then I got to thinking about how most of the “uncool” shows I like are on the Food Network—everything from “Unwrapped” and “Chopped” to “Restaurant Impossible” and “The Next Food Network Star.”

Again, uncool, but not entirely shameful.

However, I kept coming back to one show, and despite the fact that I really didn’t want to admit to actually watching it—can you tell by how I’m stalling here?—this is supposed to be a “shameless” post, so I feel compelled.

Yes, I will watch “Cupcake Wars” on Food Network.

Each week on “Cupcake Wars,” four cupcake bakers face off for three judges in three elimination challenges until only one decorator remains. The prize is $10,000 and the opportunity to showcase their cupcakes at the winning gig.

I’m not just saying this, but I have no idea why I continue to watch it on occasion. I pretty much hate everything about the show, especially the host, but it draws me back in for some reason.

Candace Nelson, the female judge and owner of Sprinkles Cupcakes, is tolerable and making the most out of her success… at baking cupcakes. She’s a non-issue.

The male judge, Florian Bellanger, chef and co-owner of and online macaroon company, has an impressive resume and an accent so thick that between that and a mouth full of frosting, you can never understand what he’s saying. However, he’s usually mean and snarky—one judge always has to be—so I enjoy that part of it.

Then there’s a rotating third judge brought in based on the theme of the episode. They have no clue about cupcakes and their response is usually something compelling like, “It’s pretty” or “I like chocolate.”

But the host. Ugh, the host. For purposes of this post, I looked up his background and it tells you all you need to know:

Justin Willman is well-known as the witty correspondent on The Rachael Ray Show with more than 20 appearances. He also tours nationally under the moniker "Justin Kredible" with a hugely popular one-man comedy/magic live show.

He is the reason this show brings me much shame.

But I watch, not because I love eating cupcakes or dessert—I actually don’t get into dessert—but because I love the talent and artistry of the contestants and know that a piece of me has always/will always be jealous of those who have made a living baking.

While I’m not great at it by any means, I love it and would happily resign myself to being the frosting girl for a “real” baker. I know I would be a million times happier covered in flour than covered in corporate crap.

The chance to be artistic and creative while making people happy through delicious pastry creations? Sign me up.

Just leave that weenie host out of it, add in Gordon Ramsay and you’ve got yourself a deal.

Maybe I could be a reality TV star after all…

So spill it.

What is your most embarrassing TV show confession? I’m not talking about the cool shows you pretend you don’t like, but the one that you cringe to admit that you watch? (See above and know that I’m cringing.)