Tag Archives: commercials

Lashing Out

I don’t mean to brag, but I think I can confidently say that I have perfected the role of a perpetual “Before” picture when it comes to day-to-day beauty.

While I will occasionally splurge and risk life, limb and sanity to get my eyebrows waxed, more often than not my attempts at beauty wind up with me at work with a forgotten Velcro roller in my hair, resentment over having to wear a real “big girl” bra (for social convention, not out of necessity) and chicken tracks under my eyes from sneezing while applying mascara.

I just have no interest, and we’re past the point of no return.

But I do wear a little foundation—handy to cover up bruises, hypothetically speaking—and a coat of mascara, which is what brings me to my point today. I had to buy new mascara.

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What. The. Hell. People.

I had a $2 coupon for Cover Girl, so I went to the store to find out how to be Easy, Breezy and Beautiful — which sounds a bit slutty, yet intriguing — and was bombarded with approximately 405 different options.

I could be a Lash Fanatic or engage in Lashperfection, Lashwrap, Lashblast Fusion, LashExact, Luxe, Mousse and an All-In-One professional option that I assume will also staple and collate any inner-office memos in a passive aggressive way.

I needed a coupon for liquor at that point — not something that promised Eye Brightening with an Elasta-Nylon formula.

So even though I didn’t have a coupon for Maybelline, I shifted my minimally mascara-ed gaze over to that section in a quest to answer the eternal question: “Maybe she’s born with it? Maybe it’s Maybelline?”

More like, “Maybe it’s a crap shoot?”

Here I was presented with 4,367 different options that specialized in curl, definition, length, long wearing, volume, washable, waterproof, Volum’Express, XXL curl, Lash Stiletto and Lash Discovery with promises that with a swipe of a (curved, flexible, stiff or extended) wand, I could have dramatically curled, extended, mega plush up to 85 or 300 percent visibly longer lashes amped up 3, 5, 7, 9, or 11 times the normal volume.

All without clumps.

THIS IS WHY OTHER COUNTRIES HATE US, PEOPLE!

My head of limp and lifeless hair was spinning.

While L’Oreal promised to “millionize” my lashes, that sounded like entirely too many. As it is, my meager eyelashes often end up in my eyes—way to do your job of keeping crap out of my eyes, eyelashes!—and having a million around would just complicate things. So even though the packaging was screaming, “Because you’re worth it!” I really didn’t think it was worth jabbing my fingers in my eyes to retrieve a million voluptuous lashes — or $9.

But that’s not all!

It also turns out that when mascara just isn’t enough—I know, how could it not be with all of these options?—one can also invest in eyelash extensions and prescription eyelash enhancers. In other words, Rogaine and Viagra for eyelashes.

I can only imagine the product development team at these companies had a three martini lunch when this particular idea was tossed out there on the table.

Let’s just file it under “things that don’t need to be things.”

Anyway, after weighing my options I defaulted to the same $5 mascara I’ve been buying for years—the basic Maybelline in the pink tube—answering the question that yes, those chicken tracks under my eyes are Maybelline.

Because, after all, I’m worth it.

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Truth In Advertising

I’m not one of those fancy people that has a DVR to record shows without commercial interruption. This means that when I have the TV on and I’m doing other things at the same time instead of sitting there to watch the show I was waiting to sit down and watch, I am exposed to advertising.

While some commercials are highly entertaining—I could watch the Slowsky’s all day—most of them are annoying and last so long that I’ve forgotten what show I was watching and vow to never buy their product.

But in the spirit of expanding my worldly knowledge to dispense among the dozens of you who flock to this blog, I decided to share some insight.

What I’ve Learned from Watching TV Commercials

  • I have a majority of side effects of multiple prescription drugs that I’ve never even taken. 
  • Men are all balding, irresponsible and only respond to sex, food and things that explode. They can’t be trusted to buy anything without their wives or girlfriends, but they can however use a grill while wearing an apron and smiling. 
  • Lipstick is made of some cement-like substance that will never come off until you tell it to.
  • Melted cheese must be stretched out before consumption and a frozen dinner is apparently the secret ingredient to spicing up a romantic evening.
  • Outback Steakhouse is really, really Australian.
  • When a family gets a new luxury SUV,  the first thing they do is take it off road and drive through one-lane mountain passes and water-covered roadways at breakneck speed.
  • Everyone laughs when they’re eating candy or wearing a tampon.
  • On that note, it’s perfectly acceptable to pull out an unused tampon and show it off in a group setting.
  • Kids don’t watch TV–they watch toasters—and they find it fun to patiently wait for their Pillsbury Toaster Strudel.
  • Every one of my local news stations is the most accurate, watching out for me more than anyone else and willing to put their lives on the line to bring me the news.
  • Senior citizens with bowel and bladder problems spend part of every day in tennis whites.
  • In order to get rich, I need to get attacked by a dog or injured in an automobile accident, in the workplace or through a hospital’s negligence so I can sue (and the lawyer can afford to not make his/her own commercials.)
  • No one can back their car out of a garage or driveway without incident.
  • All breakfast foods aimed at children now contain “More Fiber!” than it takes to fill an industrial silo, which leads me to believe all children are constipated.
  • Speaking of that, when a group of female friends get together they spend all their time talking about constipation or eating yogurt, which is apparently the key to fulfilling their innermost serenity (the yogurt, not constipation.)
  • Bacon and diarrhea have the same manic PR person, as almost every commercial includes one or the other.
  • The factory workers who make Honey Bunches of Oats act like they’re personally responsible for the cereal satisfaction of every person on the planet.
  • If I use a certain whitening toothpaste, not only will it land me a boyfriend, but I’ll also be able to land planes at night due to the brightness of my choppers.

Advertising dollars well spent.

What have you learned from TV commercials?

 

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Merry Muting

I understand that commercials are a necessary part of TV programming, but I have to think my grandma had it right when I was younger, as she would mute the TV every time a commercial came on.

She would often get distracted and forget to unmute which meant I never found out the first Jeopardy answer after commercial break, but creating those three or so minutes of silence makes much more sense now that I’m older.

Don’t get me wrong in that there are a lot of good commercials out there—I have been and always will be in love with the Slowskys—but the majority of ads that run are horribly annoying.

Now I don’t know if I’m just getting old and Scroogey, but this year it seems the holiday commercials are the worst.

Exhibit A—the Target Woman.

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I tweeted a couple weeks ago how I wouldn’t be sad if this Amy Sedaris lookalike who screeches and pulls a variety of rubber faces as she gets in shape for Target’s doorbuster sales was hit by a bus. Although the sentiment might have seemed harsh at the time, I feel it’s fitting after having been exposed to her for the past two weeks.

I’m sure she’s a nice person, but her character is insane and she makes me slightly stabby, as did the Kohls Rebecca Black-ish version of their Black Friday jingle.  While I’m sure creating conversation was the point—well played Tar-jay—visions of violence dance through my head when exposed to her antics.

Exhibit B—Jewelry ads

Cue cheesy background music and a setting that involves a fireplace and gently falling snow, with two people casually huddled around the tree with hot cocoa as he pulls out a small box to surprise her with a rock of some sort.

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They kiss, hopefully enticing the viewer into going out and making an expensive purchase to complete their own holiday scene. 

Blech.

What they don’t show you is that later he poses under the mistletoe wearing nothing but a well-placed Santa hat, thinking that small little box with the bow has earned him  at least a few nights of appreciation. She will be too busy putting a picture of the ring on Facebook to show off to her friends to notice him—or care when she does—meaning the ornaments on the tree won’t be the only blue balls in the room.

Exhibit C—Car Commercials

Now let me ask you this. How many people do you know that received a Lexus giftwrapped with a giant bow out in their driveway on Christmas morning? If you answered more than zero, I will feel like I hardly know you anymore.

LEXUS-LS-460bow

Between the the Lexus December to Remember campaign and Honda’s “Holiday oh-ah Holiday” ads, it makes me want to run people over with my Blazer (complete with new fuel pump, Merry Christmas to me.)

 

And while I have no solid evidence, I swear that commercials for dating sites ramp it up for the holidays. It’s like they want to either a) remind you that you’re alone and no one will ever leave you a Lexus outside or b) prepare you emotionally for the relatives who will soon remind you that you’re alone and no one will ever leave you a Lexus outside. 

‘Tis the season for Merry Muting.

I don’t want to seem like a total commercial Grinch, so I’ll leave you with the Best of the Slowskys. It’s not holiday commercial related, but darn it, it’s a commercial and I love them.

 

Is there a particular holiday commercial you love or you hate?

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