Tag Archives: Christmas

Winter Wonder Word Search

Posted on December 26, 2012 | 13 Comments

Hello dear friends and readers!

I hope you had a lovely Christmas, Festivus, Hanukkah, Kwanza or regular old week in your worlds. Mine was lovely and very low-key and involved a “Too Cute” marathon on Animal Planet at my mom’s and a “No Reservations” marathon at home.

I asked for an electric can opener that I received, so that was exciting and another avenue in which I can probably maim myself in the kitchen. My mom cried at the donation to Muttville and new humidifier I got her and we did our annual holiday dance of, “You did too much” and “Just shut up and say thank you without being such a witch.”

It’s tradition.

Anyway, because most of you are still out celebrating while others of us are back at work—but mostly because I really have nothing else funny to say—I figured it was a good time to share another “Word Search” post in these parts.

To the uninitiated, I get some very random, often humorous yet disturbing search terms that lead to my blog. Sometimes I can tell which post might have led them there, but sometimes I’m completely confused.

For example, I’m not sure what it means that “midget goat porn” has shown up in the list, but I assume it’s not favorable for me. Actually, it’s not very favorable for whoever is Googling “midget goat porn.”

But without further ado, let’s begin (my notes in the parenthesis.)

Walking in a Winter Wonder Word Search

  • Gordon Ramsay yells at a girl about mashed potatoes that can kill you
  • Foods found in the freezer “sextion”
  • I’m stuck inside a snow globe with a gnome
  • Which one of my personalities offends you?
  • I’d rather sit in my bed without a bra on (Who wouldn’t?)
  • Skinny squirrel as an Elvis impersonator
  • I am Sylvia Plath in a thong
  • Homemade pellet gun traps for unicorns (Creative hobby, I suppose)
  • Look at that bitch eating her crackers
  • I find peace when I’m confused (I am a very peaceful person)
  • I’m allergic to stupidity so I break out in sarcasm
  • Good grammar is hot
  • Melissa Rivers looks like Steven Tyler (So, so true)
  • Hamsters using nunchucks (This needs to be a reality show)
  • I would exercise but it makes me spill my drink
  • Epileptic cardio machine (a very unfortunate typo on their part)
  • Jump into a taxi and yell “Mascara is evil!”
  • Squirrels at dentist’s office in race cars (Again, I need to see this)
  • At Christmas we sit around a dead tree and eat things out of an old sock
  • My pet raccoon has sneezing spells. What’s wrong with him?
  • The popcorn you make in your pants (ironically found under the search term, “things to be grateful for”)

Although I’ve never made popcorn in my pants and am pretty confident I never will, I am grateful for this blog and all of my readers who have become my friends—even weirdos who arrived here by Googling “Polish banana clips.”

Now it’s back to work and then opening every can in my house with my new electric can opener, giving thanks the creepy “Elf on a Shelf” is gone for a year and prying the cat off the ceiling after hiding the “Xtreme Catnip” Santa Paws brought.

‘Tis the season, my friends!

Like the blog? Buy the book.

 

→ 13 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , ,

‘Twas the Write Before Christmas

Posted on December 21, 2012 | 19 Comments

‘Twas the days before Christmas, and all through my place.

Not an idea was stirring to share on this space.

My stocking was hung by the chimney with care,

stocking

While I went around vacuuming up more cat hair.

That cat was all nestled up snug on the floor

With visions of world domination galore.

And then there was me, wearing what I wear best.

Yoga pants, sweatshirt…well, you know the rest.

When out from the driveway, I heard something clatter,

And turned to the window to tend to the matter.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a Lexus that made me ask, “Who the heck’s here?”

The lost-looking driver sped off in a fit,

And I knew those commercials were still full of shit.

Speaking of cars and a holiday ruse,

Those dressed up like reindeer that Santa might use?

The antlers on top and a red nose to boot,

Send mixed messages when drivers give the one-fingered salute.

“Freaking merge!” “Learn to park!” They all shout and they call!

‘Tis the season for road rage for those at the mall.

But back to the story of writing this post.

Even though all the readers are logged off, like most.

Last year I wrote a more eloquent poem,

That centered on exploits from June, our old gnome.

This year he’s tanked and refuses to eat,

Except numerous Vodka-filled candy cane treats.

I’m left on my own to come up with this stuff,

Something holiday-centered, sprinkled with fluff?

I had an idea of where things could be going,

In my head all the words just kept flowing and flowing.

But then in a twinkling, I heard in my head.

The prancing and pawing of something instead.

“Did I put back the Swiffer I used on the floors?

Of course I should check, and then clean out some drawers.

Perhaps now the shower could use a good scrub?

I’ll keep writing as soon as I clean out that tub.

And now the mirror’s streaky, so that gets cleaned, too.

What’s with my eyebrows? Let’s pluck one or two.”

My eyes looked quite tired, my hair still a mess.

My chest most resembling a flat iron press.

A shirt stained with hummus not hiding that stealth.

But I laughed when I saw it in spite of myself.

Then I remembered I wanted to bake,

There were cookies and candies I still had to make!

pretzel1

Once that was over, with treats wrapped up tight,

I had no more excuses to not sit and write.

“Okay, back to work.” I decided right then.

I resolved to see this post right through to the end.

But then laying the cursor aside of my lines,

I somehow clicked over to go back online.

To Facebook I sprang, and of course, then to Twitter.

As long as I’m there, e-mail too. (I’m no quitter.)

My train of thought suddenly derailed again,

I figured that yoga might help me feel Zen.

yogacartoon

Down dog and pigeon and side planks galore,

I couldn’t help notice a catnip-filled floor.

Out came the vacuum to suck up that stuff,

And at that point I figured enough was enough.

Clearly this poem wasn’t going that great,

A much better post would just have to then wait.

So I sprang to the couch, to the cat gave a whistle,

And away she went running like shot from a pistol.

I sighed and I shrugged and then turned on TV,

More room on the couch for little old me!

Now where was I going with this rambling spiel?

Oh yes, for you people I like a great deal:

May your holiday bring you much joy and delight,  

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Like the blog? Buy the book.

→ 19 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , ,

Making Spirits Bright

Posted on December 6, 2012 | 30 Comments

I don’t remember when I first “found out” about Santa, but I do know that I kept on pretending long after that day. Part of it was because I didn’t want to stop believing in something so magical and fun, and part of it was because I didn’t want my mom to be bummed.

She was always incredible about keeping the magic alive, wrapping the gifts in different paper, writing in different handwriting, putting reindeer food on the deck, etc. There isn’t a Christmas from my early childhood that I don’t remember being special in some way. Along with traditions and large family gatherings, I also had that youthful innocence that made everything seem merry and bright.

Now, at age 31, I have to admit that I’ve become a bit cynical about the holidays.

Between the loss of traditions and large family gatherings, the rampant and unnecessary consumerism, no holiday break, a dash of deep depression and being forced to listen to “So This Is Christmas” while waiting in the doctor’s office, I would much rather just skip to January 2 when (relative) normalcy can reoccur.

I know, I know. Ba humbug.

But last Saturday night my mom was at it again, this time at the home with the old people. She came armed with two strings of colored lights, two dozen foam ornaments/treat bags I made the night before and a few other decorative things.

wreaths

More arts and crap.

My grandma, stuck in her bed and out of her mind, delighted in the simple addition of one string of lights to her window, to the new snowman candy dish, to the battery-operated candle, to our off-key duet of “Jingle Bells” complete with (requested and stereotypical Polish white girl) dance moves.

And so was Jerry, the man who lives in the room right next door to my grandma.

His room, stark and empty in contrast to that of my grandma’s, soon was adorned with one string of lights, a battery-operated candle and a foam wreath and gingerbread man (he didn’t request the duet.) The look on his face—usually stoic and hard—was enough to make all spirits bright.

He had us move his wheelchair to the center of the room and turn off the lamp so he could sit there and stare at the lights, and he kept telling us how wonderful it was, how happy that string of lights made him. As we walked out the door and back into the hall, I couldn’t have agreed with him more.

Young or old, the magic’s still there as long as you choose to believe.*

*Off-key duet of “Jingle Bells” complete with stereotypical Polish white girl dance moves not required, but I’m pretty sure it couldn’t hurt.

Need a holiday gift that gives back? Buy the book.

→ 30 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , ,

Ba Ha-Ha-Humbug

Posted on November 27, 2012 | 35 Comments

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

While I would debate that fact for several reasons—that is neither here nor there—as the holiday season is here and there, and with it comes a variety of expectations. You see, we are often presented with “ideal” situations that in reality, fall a bit short.

But have no festive fear! No holiday season is perfect, and as long as you don’t hold things to the ridiculous standard often presented to us, your expectations will surely be met.

The Meals

Expectation: Martha Stewart is truly a genius in that she makes her beautiful soirees look elegant and effortless—and calls them “soirees” and not “dysfunctional family functions.” The food is perfect, the conversation is jovial and no one’s career choice, sexual preference or bodily functions are discussed.

And no one ends up drunk under the tree.

Reality: There will not be enough chairs. Someone will pronounce “hors d’oeuvres” as “whores de-vores” (that would be me). The food will be good, but conversation will cover someone’s career choice, sexual preference or bodily functions. There will be a debate over whether the plastic silverware can be reused for Easter and whether it’s pronounced “PEE-cons” or “pick-ONS,” which will lead to an inappropriate joke about nuts from that one creepy uncle.

Romantic Gifts (as presented in jewelry ads)

Expectation: Cue cheesy background music and a setting that involves a fireplace and gently falling snow. Two people are casually huddled around the tree with hot cocoa as he pulls out a small box to surprise her with a rock of some sort. They kiss and live happily ever after.

Reality: What they don’t show you is that later he poses under the mistletoe wearing nothing but a well-placed Santa hat, thinking that small little box with the bow has earned him at least a few nights of appreciation. She will be too busy tweeting a picture of the ring to show off to her friends to notice him—or care when she does—meaning the ornaments on the tree won’t be the only blue balls in the room.

Exterior Illumination

Expectation: That your house can be perfectly decorated with thousands of twinkling lights and décor in no time at all, with your handiwork serving as a beacon of light for all other holidays revelers.

You will never have to launch an investigation over this carnage. But on a positive note, Frosty has been fixed. A Festivus miracle!

Reality: Despite trying to put the light strings away “neatly” last year, they will come out of the storage container in an arrangement that looks suspiciously like a Noel noose made of tangled up wires. The ordeal will begin with a joke to make sure to call 911 if you fall off the ladder—ha, ha, ha!—and end with a simple wreath on the door after the discovery that half of the bulbs just don’t work, despite testing each one and hanging them up.

But even though most will experience a less-than perfect meal, sub-par gifts (make donations, not debts people) and defunct decorations, remember what’s truly important—family, friends and your holiday spirit(s).


Like the blog? Buy the book.

→ 35 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , ,

A Gnome Noel

Posted on December 24, 2011 | 21 Comments

I know most of you are busy doing holiday things and not reading blog posts from yours truly. (I won’t take it personally, unless I should. Should I? Excuse me while I go obsess about this.)

But I thought I would amuse myself by presenting to you a poem with a little help from the incomparable Uncle June.

A Gnome Noel

gnometree1

I’ve already published some holiday posts,

But Uncle June wanted his say.

So now we present to you our little poem,

To celebrate on Christmas Day.

He’s had quite a year and has seen some new things,

from  New York to Detroit he did go,

And who could forget the night just last month

at the theater to see a show.

There was mystery surrounding a fountain or two,

And the big gnome was left off the hook.

Uncle June told me they’re all in the clear,

As gnomes always live by the book.

Speaking of books he did make his debut,

And is waiting for agents to call.

I tried hard to tell him the point of the book,

Wasn’t fame, but was giving to all.

gnomebook1

But still he assumes that the one page he’s on,

Will guarantee fame and some riches.

I found Post-its around with his chicken scratch notes,

About book tours and agent pitches.

He’s kind of confused but I think he’s okay,

And told me to tell all of you.

The support that he’s witnessed has blown him away,

(He’s small, but that’s still hard to do.)

But as for this week and the holidays now,

He’s spreading the “spirits” ‘round town.

gnomemantle

Eggnog and cocktails and things filled with rum,

There’s really no drink he’ll turn down.

Myself, I’ve laid low and just hung out a bit,

But the same can’t be said for the gnome.

Last night he was passed out right under the tree,

This is what I found when I got home.

drunkgnome

Then later I found him all dressed up again,

with mistletoe stuck to his head.

And I still have no clue how he managed to climb,

Up the tree without winding up dead.

Between book things and travel and blog cameos,

He appears to be getting quite haughty.

Perhaps he’s just sowing some more wild oats,

Or the holidays bring out the naughty.

What I think it is is the presence of elves,

The other small guys in December.

They make all the toys and they get all the credit,

While old Uncle June’s not remembered.

So instead of enjoying the holiday season,

The family, the food and the lights.

stocking1

My little gnome friend is apparently bitter,

And drinking away silent nights.

But with all that said he still sends you his love

And I don’t think that’s just the rum talking.

For when he’s not drinking or pimping “his” book,

He also spends time cyber stalking.

Blogs and The Facebook and Twitter sometimes,

He feels grateful to know all of you.

And hopes that your Christmas was filled up with joy,

Or at least a strong cocktail or two.

As for me, I’m not drinking, but wish you the same,

And look forward to times up ahead.

I feel like there’s so many things left to share,

And many words left to be said.

Hopefully Santa has brought me a muse

And some focus to get those posts done.

But now I’m just dealing with one drunken gnome

who apparently loves everyone.

bumble

So no matter the way that your holiday’s spent,

I hope that you enjoy your day.

And know one drunken gnome and a rambling blogger

send heartfelt good wishes your way.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

→ 21 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , ,

You Make Me Less Grinchy

Posted on December 19, 2011 | 34 Comments

Disclaimer: A long post, but it’s worth it for Round One of donation drop-off!

Let’s get one thing straight—I’m not a Grinch, but I’m already over the holidays.

Grinch

It’s not because of stress or travel or even the fact that Mariah Carey has been telling me that “all she wants for Christmas is me” for the past month — sorry Mimi, you’re SOL—but because I hate when schedules get all messed up.

While I get a three-day weekend following the holiday, a whole bunch of people get weeks off at a time, meaning that a) it makes it near impossible for me to get any work done with no one else actually working b) I have to hear people talk about how they get weeks off at a time and c) the normal “schedule” of blogging for most is messed up,  as is that of TV shows.

I feel like anything I put up here probably won’t be read, as everyone else is blotto on their couch watching Kathie Lee and Hoda drink mimosas. Plus, everyone’s in “peace on Earth” mode, so anything snarky is dismissed as Grinchy and unseasonal.

In other words, it’s all about me.

But aside from craving attention, hating traffic and the fact I have to wait 30 minutes in line at the store to buy bananas, the reason I look forward to the New Year coming and going basically boils down to Top 10 lists and resolutions.

I do not participate in either.

But the next week will be filled with compilations of the “Top Celebrity Breakups,” “Top Recipes of 2011” and “Top Top 10 Lists of 2011” in addition to countless status updates, tweets and conversations revolving around how someone is going to change their life this year if only because they publically declare that they are.

Again.

Spoiler alert: Top 10 lists are simply a springboard for debate because no one really remembers what happened the first three months of the year. Why? Because they were too busy beating themselves up over the fact that their New Year’s resolution only lasted two weeks.

While I agree that a new year is a great time to make new goals, for me, resolutions are things that can and should be made on a daily basis, not in grandiose fashion one time a year. As cheesy as it sounds, my resolution every day is to be a better person and take the next healthy step forward—physically and emotionally—to reach that goal.

Plus, as I’ve mentioned before, I will continue to work towards my ultimate goal of becoming independently wealthy so I can live on an island where I work on my exotic container gardens while tirelessly devoting myself to perfecting the slow motion “Baywatch” jog.

Again.

So I guess I just want things to get back to a level of relative normalcy, but in the meantime, I do resolve to enjoy the season for what it’s worth.

The Non-Grinchy Stuff

And one way I am enjoying the season is by distributing Round One of the gifts for the Humane Society of West Michigan with the profits from books sales thus far. When I donate somewhere, I like to know exactly where my money is going. It’s not that I don’t trust people, but I feel more productive if I can see what it’s spent on.

The past few years our donations have included a memorial tribute tree, 50 scratching posts, an elevated Kuranda dog bed for the kennels, an engraved tribute tag, etc. and a big plastic pool filled with a bunch of items from their wish list.

This year I decided to go that route once again so you could see what some of the money was directly spent on—the animals, and nothing but the animals.

hstreats1

Behold Round One of the gifts!

Along with this truck full of goodness, the purchase of my book also helped pay for another Kuranda dog bed for the kennels. If you could see how they love these things, your heart would melt.

So despite this long ramble, I really am speechless at your support and generosity so far. This is in no way the end of my efforts, and I know it’s annoying when I bug you and tell you to tell a friend or help spread the word, but it’s so greatly appreciated.

Although I’m not sure how yet, I will continue to try and find other ways to market this thing and keep it going as long as I can.  But for now—with Round One purchased and delivered—I thank you from the bottom of my little Grinchy heart.

Stink. Stank. Stonk.

→ 34 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , ,

CSI: Frosty

Posted on December 18, 2011 | 23 Comments

Those of you who follow me on Twitter or Facebook know that I have been dealing with a personal trauma this week.

I came home to find my outdoor snowman had been tipped over and decapitated. In lieu of flowers, please send cash or Vodka.

(Sorry-I don’t know how to take screen shots of Tweets.)

After leaving for work at 6am and spending four hours that afternoon with tech support in an effort to make my work computer functional, this is what I came home to.

snowman2

Ahh! The horror!

Frosty was flat on his back, his little body twisted and torn after being displaced from his holiday perch on my front porch ledge. I immediately got out of my truck, and despite the fact that it was raining and “Wizard of Oz” windy, I attempted a rescue.

snowman1b

As you can see, that did not go well.

After several more feeble attempts in the wind and the rain to put his head and his smile back on, I realized that the only holiday spirit I was feeling at that moment was the quote from A Christmas Story that had popped into my head:

“I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.”

At that point, I took him in the house and carefully put him in the basement, and placed a call to my mom—the official decorator and seasonal surgeon—to set up a date for repair.

In the meantime, I grew suspicious of the circumstances surrounding this incident. While the 40 mph winds and rain would seem like the obvious reason, the whole fountain issue this past summer left me hesitant to trust the obvious.

My first thought was that crazy drunk neighbor lady was overdoing it on the holiday “spirits” again. Although she has some decorations on her house, the bright and “festive” red light she put in her front porch lamp led me to believe the feisty old broad might be supplementing her cocktail fund in a slightly shady way.

But as much as I want to blame her, kicking over my snowman would have required her to go out in the rain, prompting this scenario:

WizardMelting

Remember? They melt.

So then I considered the squirrels and other small woodland creatures that might have a beef against an illuminated snowman placed in my yard to project an image opposite of the slight Grinchiness that may be felt inside.

But although pushy and mighty with their demands for better seed and a heated waiting area surrounding the pond-turned-squirrel-skating rink, I don’t think they have anything against Frosty.

frozen pond2

You should see them drive the little Zamboni.

It was also suggested that Frosty has simply partied a bit too hard (possibly with crazy drunk neighbor lady?) and found himself passed out drunk in the front yard, not unlike a couple boyfriends I had in college. However,  I could detect no trace of alcohol on him.

Plus, you know, his mouth fell off.

So I suppose I’m left to believe that it was in fact the wind that toppled Frosty off the ledge and not tipsy neighbors, speed skating squirrels or a case of him trying to beat the blues with some brewskis.

He’s set to undergo surgery this week, and barring warm weather or high winds, a compete and speedy recovery is predicted. In lieu of flowers, he has requested cash or Vodka, both of which can be sent directly to my house.

Well, he didn’t say that—you know, his mouth fell off—but I’m sure that’s what he would want. After all, why do you think he’s such a jolly happy soul?

Merry mystery solved.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

P.S. Look for a post next week showing exactly what Round One of the book money purchased for the animals at the Humane Society of West Michigan. (Sneak peek!) I don’t just donate money, but prefer to donate goods, so you can see just where your money will go—directly to the animals. Hopefully the first shopping spree of many!

→ 23 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , ,

You Get What You Give

Posted on November 14, 2011 | 23 Comments

I’ve been given a lot of advice over my 30 years on this planet, and there’s no way I could ever single out what I would consider to be the “best” sentiment.

From my grandma’s endless wisdom and constant reminders not to park next to a white van with no windows to the nurse who told me to do one thing every day that scares me, I would say it’s all been valuable (and taken with a grain of salt—wise advice in and of itself.)

But I am always brought back to:

“You get what you give.”

And while most of the time it has nothing to do with materialistic things but rather a giving of yourself to the universe, the giving of gifts is brought to the front as the holiday season rolls around.

The gift of pets being terrorized by holiday garb.

Along with my aversion to gluttony when it comes to the food—I checked, and green bean casserole is still not on the endangered species list since my post—I have an even greater aversion to the gluttony of consumerism that happens each holiday season, a time often filled with overspending and underestimation of what kind of gift would matter the most.

Before you apply the Scrooge label on my, let me explain.

My line of thinking is that something from the heart trumps superficial items that no one really needs and/or no one really wants but receives out of obligation and convenience.

In other words, you won’t find me camped out at Best Buy for three days to buy some video game/phone that will be available for sale a week later, going into debt at the mall to show someone how much I care or knocking down old women in Walmart on Black Friday.

To each their own, but the obsession with things bothers me.

Unless those things are cats in hats. (Old picture, RIP Wendell.)

My family agrees, so we pick and choose a few special things to get each other and try and do something nice for those who can’t afford the “needs”—usually the local Humane Society—instead of buying things we want. It’s much more satisfying.

But with that said, I love finding a few special things for someone.

I love the second I see or decide to make it, and because I’m me, I want to give it to them that second. I have never been given the gift of patience, and when I have something special up my sleeve, it’s hard not to pull it out like the fabric softener sheets I usually find up there halfway through the day.

And when I get a gift like that, it isn’t the present itself, but the fact that someone randomly thought of me and took the time to let me know. I want to give that feeling out to someone else, and even though it might feel like a waste at times—does anyone even care?—I have to believe that they do.

After all, if frustration stopped everyone from giving a piece of themselves, then no one would get to enjoy the simple, thoughtful gestures that make the holidays—and every day—a little bit brighter.

You get what you give.

Although I consider this my one and only rambling holiday consumerism rant of the year,  this post was also in response to the Studio30 Plus prompt:

The Best Advice

P.S.  I truly am horrible at holding on to things I could give away—another reason I will never have kids—so I have to say that there will be something you can both get and give on this blog in the next couple weeks. Stay tuned.

Carry on.

→ 23 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , ,