Tag Archives: candy

Candy Crush

I promise a “normal” post next time, but in honor of Halloween week, I present a corny candy therapy session.

Scene: Duncan Hines and Betty Crocker go for couple’s counseling, as their relationship has recently hit a Sour Patch.

Therapist: Betty, since you are the one who called me, how about we start with you. Why are you and Duncan here today?

BC: We used to get along so well and were totally sweet on each other. But as of late, I feel like he’s got his eyes on the Mounds of another, if you know what I’m saying. Specifically, that Red Hot Airhead Mary Jane that works in his bakery sometimes. I hear the Snickers when I walk in…

T: So you’ve been on a bit of a Rocky Road? Duncan, would you care to jump in?

DH: (Sigh) She’s always going Bonkers with jealousy any time I even look at a Chicklet or two. I’m loyal to her 100 percent and have never given her a Riesen to worry. In fact, I don’t know what I would do without her and our little Baby Ruth. That little Runt was born late last year.

BC: I would like to believe you, but you go out with those Goobers Mike & Ike every weekend and I’m not supposed to think you’re up to your old Twix and telling me Whoppers about where you’ve been? I’m left at home with the little SweeTart—and I love her, don’t get me wrong—but these Sprees of yours give me Good & Plenty reasons to be mad.

DH: I won’t sugar coat it. doc. All my life I’ve been sort of a Nerd. I finally meet a Smartie — a real Hot Tamale — and despite having a Chunky little Jelly Belly and being a bit of a Slo Poke, I somehow suckered her in. I never thought I would SKOR such a great lady in my life, but Now & Later I need to hang out with the boys. We’re the Three Musketeers!

T: Let me see if I can connect the Dots here. You two obviously love each other, but just have to spice things up s’more. Maybe Take 5 minutes to plan a Fun Dip or two in a spa.

BC: I guess you’re right and I’m just being a Cry Baby. Next Payday, we should take any Extra money and share a few Chuckles over a nice meal on 5th Avenue.

DH: Doctor, you’ve been a Lifesaver. Now Betty, come and give your big Sugar Daddy a Hug and a Kiss.

Hubba Bubba.

I have to do the requisite, “What’s your favorite candy?” and “What candy do you hate?” question for Halloween. Any perfect flavor combinations?

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Trick-or-Tofu Treats

We’ve talked about the costumes, so let’s talk about the candy.

Although I’m a bit of a gum whore, I’ve made no secret to the fact that I’m not a “sweets” person. But to each their own, and if there is ever a time and a place for treats, it’s at Halloween. Candy is part of the tradition, and some traditions don’t need any updating or modification.


In other words, don’t try and make Halloween a healthy holiday.

I was lucky in that I lived in one of the “good” neighborhoods filled with houses of young children and eager parents ready to turn on the spooky sounds tape and serve as our sugar daddies/moms for the night. We would race from house to house in small gangs, maniacally ringing the doorbell and waiting for the owner to drop some sort of treat into our impatiently-thrust candy collection contraption—a plastic pumpkin, an empty pillowcase, etc.

When we got home, our bounty from the evening was strewn across the floor and open for inspection. Favorites were hoarded and hidden while the less-liked items were up on the trading block.

Always popular were the mini-candy bars of just about any type—the Snickers, Baby Ruth, Milky Way, Peanut Butter cups, that elusive Krakel that seemed so difficult to secure. I also liked the little boxes of Milk Duds even though there were only three in the whole damn box and they basically ripped your teeth out of your head.

When it came to trade bait, Smarties topped the list for me—little chalk disks wrapped in plastic, in my opinion—and candy corn was basically colored wax and quickly discarded. Things like jawbreakers, butterscotch disks, gumballs and mints were lost on us.


Flavored Tootsie Rolls should not exist.

But then there were some of the more “non-traditional” treats that found their way into our bags of pilfered goods. I remember getting coupons for a free French fry at Burger King, some plastic toys that were quickly tossed aside once identifiable as inedible, popcorn balls also quickly tossed aside once identifiable as inedible, coins and the occasional “healthy” offering.

Yes, once in awhile fruit (not in the form of a fruit roll-up,) crackers, baby carrots, boxes of raisins, etc. were offered.

Now you know I’m the first person to champion healthy alternatives to sugar-laden snacks, but to all of those well-meaning people out there—don’t try to health up Halloween.

With correct parental guidance, most children will consume these healthier items on a daily basis in their lunches or after school. And while it may seem like a practical offering, holidays — not to mention children — are not about being practical. They did not get dressed up and excited for you to dole out an apple.


Unless it’s covered in caramel and shoved on a stick, the apple just won’t fly.

So while I understand the epidemic of childhood obesity and agree that there is much that needs to be done, there needs to be tradition. Candy is part of the tradition, and if they eat too much of it, they may just learn a lesson about the dangers of too much sugar and moderation (that will inevitably be forgotten by the time Halloween rolls around once again.)

After all, it’s trick-or-treat—not trick-or-tofu treats—and we owe it to the younger generation to keep the traditional alive.

Plus, you can always eat the “leftovers.”

What was your favorite Halloween candy? Your least favorite? Are you one who dishes out fruit or fruit-flavored Blow-Pops?

Just to clarify…

The OCD in me is compelling me to write this post and explain things no one has asked for an explanation about.


In other words, you get a bit of randomness  to make me feel better before the good stuff starts up again next week (she says optimistically.)  So let’s get on to business first, shall we?

Blog Business

This little addition to my anti-camping campaign is why this post is being written:

**EDIT: Sorry if you’re a subscriber and received a few post notification e-mails today. I was going through and tagging old posts (in an attempt to organize,) and I think the “quick edit” thing made it look like a new post. They are not. In fact, they’re old and embarrassing, so I suggest you don’t read them. Again, sorry. I have no clue what I’m doing.

It’s true. I have no clue what I’m doing when it comes to blogging and the technical/aesthetic/pimping out aspects of the hobby. Basically all I know how to do is write words and plop in a picture of something other than me once in awhile. I was trying to organize and instead think I bombarded some loyal readers with a million new post notifications, which is quite possibly the most annoying thing ever—after camping.

So I apologize. I have no Google Reader, I don’t tweet and things aren’t always fancy here in my little corner of the Interwebs. My solution to the organization thing is make a bunch of old posts private, as they were from a different time and not really representative of who I am now. I won’t bore you with that, or maybe I will, but just not right now.

The moral of the story is that organization is bad and should be avoided at all costs, but that reading my blog is good and should become something bordering on addiction, minus the shakes and support groups. 

M & M Racial Profiling? 

I don’t really eat candy, so I know I’m late to the game with this one. However, I was making my one-and-only recipe, and by “recipe” I mean following four directions with three ingredients—when I made a discovery.

Holiday Pretzel Treats

See, I usually use holiday M&Ms  because I’m fancy and make this treat for the holidays, but this time I was using plain ol’ everyday M&Ms.

While I was aware that the blue M&M had taken up the duty of melting in one’s mouth and not in one’s hand, I had no idea the light brown M&M had become extinct! Where did the light brown M&M go? I know that each color tastes the same, but I swear that the light brown M&M used to taste more milk chocolaty than the rest, therefore making up for the fact that it was light brown and not a “lucky” color like green.

Oh well. At least I don’t have to alter my “recipe.”

Cart Confusion

One final thing to overshare before I get back to not camping and writing about things of great importance (to me.) There is a reason they provide the mini shopping cart and the regular sized shopping cart. The mini shopping cart is for people buying a minimal amount of items (note the word “mini” is found in the word “minimal.”)


If you take one of the mini shopping carts and then fill it to the point of overflow and then complain that the items are falling out of your cart, you deserve to get the stink eye from me and everyone else that finds you annoying—which would be everyone.

And just to be clear—using the smaller cart loaded up with groceries does not qualify you to proceed to the Express Lane explicitly for people with 10 items or less. The size of the cart is not directly proportional to the speed at which you deserve to check out.

Whew. OK.

We’ve established that I’m stupid technologically—different than technically stupid, mind you, that the light brown M&M has been sent to a farm where it can roam free and live happily forever after and that small grocery carts are for small amounts of groceries.

OCD itch scratched.

I think my work here is done.