Tag Archives: blogging

Kristen from “Abandoning Pretense” Has Issues

Happy Friday! At least it is over here, as we got about 18 inches of snow and I spent the majority of the week hoping to get plowed—and that’s not an euphemism for anything, unfortunately—and it’s finally stopped snowing for a day or so.

Lucky for all of us, today’s blogger sharing her issues is from Florida and so I’m going to pretend things will warm up here simply by osmosis. Well, that and the fact that Kristen’s a woman, mother, wife, adventurer, humor writer and blogger, among other things.

I liked her from the first minute I read that “The goal of Abandoning Pretense is for me to encourage you (and remind myself) to do away with the mind-numbing (and total bullshit) small-talk, white lies, half-truths and exaggerations that we–as mothers, as women–are expected to feed to one another every day.”

Preach it, sister.

Kristen

Where, what and why do you write?

I write at Abandoning Pretense, the blog I began a couple of years ago in hopes of writing myself out of my disturbing and impractical make-everyone-happy-but-for-god’s-sake-don’t-look-like-a-f*cking-weirdo-while-doing-it unintentional life mantra. I’m also a part of the editorial team at Bluntmoms.com and I write for Nickmom.com.

Usually, I write funny/deep/WTF type pieces laced with equal parts sexual innuendo and debilitating self-doubt. Or sometimes I just write about vaginas or boobs outright and call it a day.

The reason I write is the same reason I run long distance: It’s cheaper than therapy.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

“WHY IS MY HUSBAND NOT TURNING OFF HIS MOTHERF*CKING ALARM CLOCK. Oh, wait, never mind, that’s my alarm. Son of a…

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Oh crap, now I’m going to get all serious on you people. My son has ADHD and is having a difficult time in third grade. He goes to this uppity super-high-expectation school for science, which he loves and is really an awesome school, but he’s a basket case in the classroom and drives his teachers insane. And I yell at him sometimes (okay, daily) and hate myself for it. So that kind of sucks and is constantly on my mind. I write about that sometimes, and it’s the only time I write without sexual innuendo, because it would weird and creepy if I did that.

Three websites you visit every day.

CNN, Washington Post and The New York Times.

Kidding. I’m totally gonna start reading those though, like as soon as Facebook implodes and I get tired of books. I mainly spend time browsing my Facebook feed for interesting articles my friends and fellow bloggers have shared. I know the general consensus is that you can’t get reliable news via your Facebook feed, but I think the people who say that just need to up the ante on their friend list, ya know what I mean? Less cousin-Jim-Bob-because-it’s-Facebook-and-I’m-supposed-to-be-‘friends’-with-my-family, and more that-blogger-friend-I-adore-because-she-too-owns-a-tattered-copy-of-Catcher in the Rye.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

Ugh! I don’t have any! I only have stupid real talents, like drawing and playing the violin and viola. I never learned to tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue though, and I feel like I’ve really missed out on some good times as a result of this.

Oh WAIT! I do have a weird talent: I can move my ears! Yes. I can move my ears. So I am trivially talented after all. Thank god. I almost had a panic attack for a second there.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Just one: Don’t be a dick.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Health-wise, or taste-wise? Health-wise best would be kale. I juice that stuff because I’m trying to live to be 100. It’s on my bucket list. Like I’ll literally turn 100 then die right on the spot, and I’ll be satisfied with that. Worst would be my husband’s disgusting chemical-laden Mountain Dew energy drink. I can’t even look at it without getting osteoporosis. Taste-wise, the best would be queso fresco. I could eat that shit by the brick. The worst would be olives. I would rather eat a squirming grub than an olive. Blech.

Given the holiday season, what are your favorite and least favorite Thanksgiving foods?

Pie. I am one of those people who will have “a little sliver” of the eight different kinds of pie brought by the various different guests at a potluck-style Thanksgiving. Love that shit.

My least favorite … also pie. My neighbor once made this Shepard’s pie that had some kind of liquor in it and it was so strong I almost threw up when I took a bite of it. I was like, “Dude, that is not what pie is supposed to taste like,” and he was like, “Here, you just need to add some whipped cream.” And because I’m a huge pansy and I hate confrontation, I said, “Oh, okay. Sure, lemme try it with the whipped cream.” And I did, and it was still disgusting. Also, after those two bites, I was drunk. That’s how much liquor was in it. Never again.

Editor’s note: My favorite pie is pizza. Carry on.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I wish you had asked, “Would you like some cheesecake now?” I would have said yes.

So hide your desserts and go check out her blog and Facebook page, AFTER you answer our question:

What are your favorite and least favorite holiday foods?

 P.S. Because next Friday is Black Friday (eye roll,) I won’t be featuring a blogger seeing as no one will be on the Internet. However, I will still have a new post up Sunday and Tuesday, so come back and visit. Bring pizza.

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Rodney Lacroix of “Mental Poo” Has Issues

Guess what? We actually have a MAN on the blog today spilling his issues. I know. Craziness. But given the title of his books—Things Go Wrong For Me and Perhaps I’ve Said Too Much—he’ll fit in rather nicely.

Now, I don’t remember how I “met” Rodney other than we have mutual online friends, but as soon as I saw him on Twitter I knew I had to follow this dude. He’s hilarious, and although his blog is currently on hiatus, his tweets and books are still going strong (and yes, I’ve read his book and laughed entirely too much at how not politically correct but completely honest it was.)

So without further ado, let’s crawl into his mental man cave.

rodney

Name: Rodney Lacroix
Blog: Mental Poo (currently on hiatus)

Where, what and why do you write?

I do most of my writing at work where I write about how to look like you’re working but are, in fact, actually writing. This usually creates a wormhole. Also, I’m from the future.

I write because my head is so full of absolute garbage that if I don’t write it ends up coming out in speech. Usually this happens at awkward times like at parties or during my own wedding vows. True story, when prompted for the “I Do” answer at my wedding, I actually responded “I like trains.” This is the direct result of what happens when you promise your children you are going to do something that only they know about and now you look like an a-hole in front of all your friends. Good times.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now? 

It’s no secret that I actually really hate working and the whole process of earning money that doesn’t involve writing. I’ve actually started a third book (on Romance Tips – I’m not joking) but haven’t had time to get past the first chapter.

Editor’s note: Nope, can’t relate to that work thing at all (twiddles thumbs, looks up, whistles to herself…)

Three websites you visit every day.

1) Twitter

2) Facebook

3) Google – so I can Google my name and see if my photo comes up in any article that also mentions Mila Kunis or Kate Upton.

Another editor’s note: You mean besides the restraining order?

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I can juggle. I learned how to juggle when my kids were little because I thought it would be neat that they could say, “Hey, my dad can juggle.” Who they would tell this to that would actually be impressed, I have no idea.

I also am 7 months in on learning electric guitar. I kind of suck at it so I may resort to just juggling guitars if this shit doesn’t pan out.

Because you’re a Twitter All Star, are there any celebrities that follow you?

Jenny McCarthy follows me which is probably a direct result of her reviewing and giving me a quote on my first book. We still have yet to make sweet sweet love, but I assume that’s coming right after she gets out of this “Donny Wahlberg” phase.

Editor again: Don’t worry, Rodney. You’ve got the Right Stuff

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Anyone who answers, “How are you?” or “How you doing?” with “It’s <insert day of week here>” would be immediately put to death. I know it’s Monday, asshole. I didn’t just Quantum Leap.

Me again: Yup, you work in an office.

Who would play you in the movie of your life?  

The guy who played Bernie in the “Weekend at Bernie’s” movies because that’s pretty much how I look every single day. Dead tired with kids literally dragging me all over the goddamn place and that guy really pulled it off.

You can only eat three foods for a week. What are they?

Kate Upton, Mila Ku…OH. Foods.

Teriyaki (beef – not the gross chicken one because I’m pretty sure that is not chicken or if it is it’s some weird undiscovered part of the chicken).

Nutella – duh.

Something healthy to even it all out – probably like grilled chicken salad but it has to have bacon on it. You know what? Scratch that. I’ll just have the bacon. Bacon dipped in Nutella and served on a Teriyaki stick. Also, you didn’t mention anything about drinks so I assume they’re included and it’s open bar all week. This is turning out to be the best week EVER.

What would your life be in a tweet?

Give me your tired, your poor. Your huddled masses. Make them all 5’4″ tall and that’s pretty much me in a nutshell.


So there you have it—Rodney in a nutshell. As a bonus, you can take a piece of his nut home with you—in the form of his books, you weirdo—after answering the question below.

What would your life be in a tweet?

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Alyson of “The Shitastrophy” Has Issues

The name of the blog of today’s blogger spilling her issues should serve as a warning that if mild profanity upsets you, you should slowly back away for today.

(Waits a few seconds for the nuns and toddlers who most certainly read my blog to leave…)

With that said, she’s the shit. No, literally. That’s part of the name of her blog–The Shitastropy–a place she writes about her family, her life and the moments in time that leave her thinking “You can’t make this shit up.”

But another thing she writes about is mental illness, a subject you know that I know a few things about (unfortunately.) However, I’m so excited for her—and jealous, but whatever—because she is working on an anthology, “Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor,” that will be available March 2015.

They’ve compiled 38 poignant and hysterical pieces “to show people that they are not alone. Our hope is to mimic the real life ups and downs of mental illness and let others know that they will laugh again, that there is hope and that as bleak as moments are, there are options.” In addition, each author has selected a charity to support and highlight in their area.

 And that, my friends, is the shit.

alyson

Name:  Alyson, but I typically go by Jillian’s or Jake’s mom to the younger crowd

Blog:    The Shitastrophy

Where, what and why do you write?

Where: In my utopia—my office. This year I waited until my husband went away on a two-week trip (I’m no fool; better to ask for forgiveness than permission) and I had our office completely redone. New floors, painted all the dark woodwork white, new paint on the walls. Everything. It is now my Zen, and it has doors – that I keep shut. It sure as hell beats my old office, which was the kitchen table.

What: I mostly do sarcastic adult humor. I have no problem dropping in a rogue f-bomb if the situation calls for it. Sometimes there is no better word.

Why: Well, if I didn’t I would lose my damn mind. It is very therapeutic for me to let out all these crazy weird thoughts. I swear I am a walking Seinfeld episode.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

How much longer can I sleep before I really really have to get up? Two minutes? I’ll take it.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

I have numerous unfinished projects around my house that I am paying someone to complete and yet the person is missing in action all.the.time.

Three websites you visit every day.

I’m giving you categories because I am an overachiever:

  1. The big three of social media: Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest.
  2. The big three of news: CNN, Huffington Post, Bloomberg
  3. The big three of humor: Buzzfeed, College Humor, The Onion

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

Actually I am very skilled at making resumes and often tapped by friends to make theirs. I have yet to design one that didn’t get the person the job they wanted. Oh, and I am really good at organizing. I can look at shit and figure out where to put it like a game of Jenga. You would never know this looking at my house, because, well…kids.

(Editor’s note to self: Send Alyson resume for position of someone who gets paid to blog and taste-test hummus in yoga pants from my couch.)

Favorite place to be?

The ocean. I grew up at the Jersey Shore. I love the sound of the waves, the sea gulls (as long as they don’t sh*t on me – which happened once) and putting my feet in the warm sand.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I would say any asshat that gets in the right-hand lane and doesn’t turn right should lose their license. Also, I feel very strongly that the speed limit on all four-lane roads should be 45 MPH. I am also going with the law that people who hurt kids should go to jail forever – no chance for parole.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Given the holiday season, what are your favorite and least favorite Thanksgiving foods?

I actually hate, as in despise, turkey. This causes an issue on a day dedicated to turkey. When I was younger there were always pasta options because my mom’s side (who we spent the holiday with) are Italian. Now my in-laws host Thanksgiving, but they have a honey baked ham that I love. As for my favorite, well my husband’s Aunt Diane’s pumpkin bars are phenomenal and I eat like 4 or 5 and take some to go every year.

What superficial thing are you most thankful for?

My car. It’s not fancy, it’s a minivan, but if I had to walk places I would totally hate it. I will search a parking lot for 20 minutes to get a primo spot right up front. Sure, I realize I could have parked in the back nine and walked in five times by then, but it’s the thrill of the quest and the fact that I’m lazy.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Favorite thing – sleep followed up closely by coffee and beer.

So there you have it. Go check her out and see you back here next post!

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Sarah from “Est. 1975″ Has Issues

First of all, Happy Halloween! As we’ve discussed, I’m not exactly into this holiday that much. In fact, this year I think I’ll just go as either “Gluten” so people avoid me or “Life” and just hand out lemons.

But there is one brave blogger who agreed to spill her issues here on this day of tricks and treats. I’ve only recently “met” her, but she won me over a couple of months ago with this post (read it after this one, of course, as right now it’s all about me.)

Actually, it isn’t. It’s all about Sarah, so here she is, my friends!

Sarah2 Name: Sarah

Blog: est. 1975

Where, what and why do you write?

Where: I write 99.99 percent of my material in bed. I put a shit ton of pillows up against the headboard and then I lean back and just do it to it. The only downside is that I get laptop burns on my legs if I’m not wearing pants. Which is more often than I’d like to admit. And also right now.

What: Most of my writing is of the comic variety but I have been known to branch out into other genres, particularly when publishing work on websites other than my own blog. I stick to the funny stuff on est. 1975 though, because I’m pretty sure my fans would hunt me down with fiery Internet torches if I didn’t.

Why: I write because it’s the only thing I’m even remotely good at.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

“Waking up is bullsh*t and I hate it.”

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Funny answer: About six months ago I started to inexplicably sweat a lot. Like a LOT. Through the armpits of my T-shirts, my underwear, the bottoms of my socks, etc. And the deodorant? IT DOES NOTHING.

Serious answer: I have a massive issue with social media. I hate it. I really, really hate it. And yet I absolutely rely on it to market myself, my blog and my freelance writing/editing business. I feel like I spend more hours of the day on social media than I do participating in anything else, and that bums me out worse than stinkbugs.

(Editor’s note: Amen. I use it for fun, but I hate feeling like I “have” to use it so I will forever be a peon and continue to use it selfishly for fun. I tried the serious thing and I’M STILL NOT RICH AND FAMOUS. Anyway, I have to think stinkbugs might be a problem given your sweating profusion? )

Three websites you visit every day.

I mentioned how I rely on social media for marketing and promotion, right? So I bet you can guess that my sad answer is Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I can crack an egg with one hand, and I don’t even get any shell in the bowl. Well, maybe one tiny piece.

Favorite place to be?

My bedroom. Unless there are stinkbugs in it. In which case I want to be as far away from my bedroom as possible.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

  1. Every time anyone looks at their cell phone while driving, they have to pay me $5.
  2. Delusions of grandeur are forbidden.
  3. No stinkbugs.

(Editor’s note: Not to be rude, but I’m noticing a preoccupation with stink bugs, which might be something to explore in your next therapy session.)

What TV show would you want to appear on?

BBC’s Sherlock because Benedict Cumberbatch.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?                              

Best? A million of those little flavored milks.

Worst? Everything else.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

“What are the three things you hate to do the most?”

This is a tough one because I hate to do so very many things. But okay, I’ll give it a shot. I think I‘d have to start off with laundry. Laundry is the ultimate “f*** you” household chore – it requires an unappealing amount of physical labor, there are way too many different mechanisms by which things can go wrong and worst of all, it is a chore that never really ends.

I also hate making phone calls to people I don’t know. Like SO MUCH. I have to seriously consider questions like this on an almost daily basis: “Would I rather call the dentist and make an appointment? Or would I rather let all of my teeth rot out of my head just so I don’t have to talk to some strange woman on the phone? Hmm. What to do, what to do.”

(Me again: Holy heck, yes. Although I would say “making phone calls to people” and not just limit it to people that I don’t know.)

The third thing that I hate to do the most is let a holiday go by without some sort of acknowledgement. So because today is Halloween, I wrote a limerick for you all to enjoy:

There once was a Halloween witch,

Whose cackle would make your eye twitch,

She had warts on her nose,

And 17 toes,

So she turned into one cranky bi*ch.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE!

In the spirit of the holiday, spill it: Best and worst Halloween candy? Best and worst costume you’ve worn? 

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Christine from “Keeper of the Fruit Loops” Has Issues & a Giveaway

At first glance, you might think that you hopped onto the wrong blog because it would appear that the blogger spilling her issues today and yours truly don’t have much in common.

After all, I’m the childless, snarky spinster and she’s a mom who blogs about her family and running the PTA. However, I also know that all my dear readers aren’t moms who drink and swear or childless, snarky spinsters, so I’m deviating from the norm and featuring someone a few of you might relate to.

Don’t worry. Sunday’s post will be my dysfunctional business as usual.

But along with being funny, she’s also a bulldog. We were in “I Just Want to Be Alone” together and this woman could sell ass implants to Kim Kardashian and is as dedicated to what she’s passionate about as I am to not reading anything about the Kardashians. And pesto. Now you know that I mean business.

So without further ado, I present to you the Keeper of the Fruit Loops.

Christine1

Name: Christine Burke

Blog: Keeper of The Fruit Loops

First thing you think of when you wake up?

That depends. My “during the week” answer is: “How can I get downstairs ninja-style to avoid waking the kids so I can have coffee for five minutes in peace?” My “weekend” answer is exactly the same, only I’m thinking it an hour later than I usually do during the week.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

The Ebola crisis. I mean, more people died going to work this morning than any American currently infected with the disease. And please, I can’t be bothered with Ebola minutia when Amal Alamuddin took George Clooney’s last name. Priorities, people. Priorities. Now, if George Clooney came down with Ebola, THAT’D be something worthy of my attention.

Three websites you visit every day?

I am assuming this question excludes Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. And also The Weather Channel. If we are referring to actual websites, I read every single word Foxy Wine Pocket writes.

Real Life Parenting is like reading the dialogue in my head and she’s writing the words I’m about to say. It’s actually a little creepy, but I still check her goings on every day because it’s fun to see what I’m thinking.

Finally, I’m embarrassed to say I check MSN’s celebrity coverage every day. It’s like brain candy. I skip all the Kardashian stories though, because…Kardashians.

(Editor’s note: If we could combine Ebola and Kardashians, we might be on to something.)

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I have been to all 48 states by car, the majority of which were while riding the hump seat squished between my two brothers in an early ’80s Chevy Cavalier. Though I suppose I could put that on my resume if I ever applied to a travel agency.

I can write backwards fluently and am adept at reading things upside down. That’s especially helpful for magazine quizzes because I’m too lazy to turn the magazine around to confirm I got the answers correct.

(Another editor’s note: She said, “hump seat.” Tee-hee.)

Favorite place to be?

The beach. Preferably with no kids near me asking for Fritos, sand toys and ice cream. Also preferable: a cocktail, book and no one else’s kids asking me for Fritos, sand toys and ice cream.

(Editor’s note again: Give the kids a cocktail. Problem solved.)

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Everyone would be forced encouraged to read my blog, Random House would be forced encouraged to give me a book deal and absolutely NO ONE would be allowed to eat candy corn or circus peanuts. And anyone caught judging me would be subject to listen to Justin Bieber’s “Baby” on continuous loop until my reign ended.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

I have always wanted to be on The Today Show, because…Matt Lauer. Well, the Matt Lauer before all the Ann Curry ugliness.

Best/Worst Thing in your refrigerator right now?

Best: A kickass, slap your grandma delicious, homemade by moi chicken noodle soup. I made it last night from scratch and I’m already craving the leftovers.

Worst: A forty of Old English 800 given to my Hubby as a joke from a friend. So ridiculous.

What question do you wish I had asked and what would your reply be?

Q: How did you find my blog and what do you love about it?

A: I was delighted to find your blog after being accepted as a contributor to IJWTBA. I fell in love with your hysterical Facebook updates and your blog makes me giggle all the time. In fact, your Facebook page is one of the few that I have in my personal feed AND my fan page feed (that’s huge, FYI). And, also, I’m so totally doing an “Abby Has Issues” Christmas for my friends…your quotes on mugs bring me great joy.

(Last editor’s note: I SWEAR I didn’t pay her to say that as I’m not rich enough to bribe people and even if I was, I would probably spend the extra money on additional snacks. My point is that I’m embarrassed that’s what she chose to reply with because I don’t really handle compliments well—or rejections, which means I pretty much don’t handle anything well—but I humbly accept this response.)

And because she’s a giver, we’re giving away a copy of “I Just Want to Be Alone” to a random person who comments on this post answering the question below. The giveaway is open to U.S. residents and a random winner will be drawn on Monday morning and notified via email.

Even if you have a copy of the book, play along and then go check out her blog. I’ll see you back here Sunday.

In the spirit of Fruit Loops, what was your favorite cereal as a kid?

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Things That Scare Me More Than Halloween

As the plethora of pumpkins and décor would indicate, we’re getting closer to Halloween. And while I’m not really a Scrooge, I’m also not that into the holiday anymore.

I write about Halloween five months out of the year for one of my magazines at work, and if I want candy, costumes and creepiness, I can go to WalMart and wander among the shoppers any day of the week.

Plus, a lot of the “scary” things associated with the day like skulls, witches and spiders—okay, I’ll give you that last one—don’t really scare me at all. Even the stray black cat that hangs out here crossing my path doesn’t spook me at all, (although mouthing “you’re screwed” and giving me the finger when it walked by just seemed rude.)

Anyway, I even did the haunted house thing a couple of years ago but decided that I would never again pay $20 for people to jump out and yell at me when there were things in my daily adult life that scare me even more—for free.

halloween

Getting a notification that I’ve been tagged in a Facebook picture without having any idea what picture it is.

Sneezing while driving.

Seeing a picture of myself as a toddler in a bathing suit and realizing my boobs are still the same size.

Getting my mortgage statement.

Touching the remote control at the gym, or worse, being stuck on a cardio machine near someone who evidently marinated in Axe cologne.

Being selected as either Dr. Oz’s assistant of the day or “going to Flavortown” with Guy Fieri.

People without a sense of humor.

Seeing a bug inside, running to get a paper towel to dispose of the bug, and coming back to find the bug has since departed to regions now unknown.

Losing the Internet for more than five minutes.

Using a toilet away from home and having it refuse to flush.

Eating the last bite of something without realizing I just ate the last bite of something. I am never more emotionally unprepared.

Going to feed the birds and having a mouse jump out of the birdseed bag.

Three words: Company Teambuilding Activity

Accidentally hitting the switch for the garbage disposal instead of the light above the sink.

Trying on a shirt in a dressing room—scary enough as it is—but then getting stuck in said shirt, providing the security cameras with a panic-filled performance of attempted removal.

Typos.

Having to touch a bathroom door handle, noticing it’s wet, and not knowing if it’s because someone washed their hands or if they didn’t. (Thank god for hand sanitizer.)

My grandma trying to hook me up with the new 90-year-old resident at the home because, “I can’t afford to be picky anymore.”

Realizing more people will read a Buzzfeed quiz in one day to find out what their “Spirit Vegetable” is than will read my whole blog/books in a year.

(For the record, I would be a Brussels sprout—often steamed and rather bitter.)

So as you can see, Halloween really has nothing on my general day-to-day neurosis. Bring it on, Freddy Krueger. Bring it on.

What would you add to your list?

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Annie from “Swirleytime” Has Issues

Today’s brave blogger sharing their issues won me over not only because she’s funny or because she bribed me with the promise of the spare change she found in her couch, but because she’s also a) close to her mom and b) familiar with the role of caretaker.

We’re keeping things light today, but it reinforces the theory that humor can be used to heal. Then again, so can copious amounts of carbs and it’s really a toss-up some days and quite frankly, a win either way.

Anyway, meet Annie (and her mom, who she describes as a “vigorous greeter”.)

Anna2

Name – Annie

Blog www.chicagonow.com/swirleytime

 Where, what and why do you write?

I work from my jacked up office/playroom in Chicago. I mostly write about things that annoy me like my mom, my kid, the 12,000 construction projects currently going on around my house and people who park in rush hour lanes. As far as I am concerned, if you block traffic due to pure asshattery, you deserve to get your car keyed.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

“Who is this man sleeping next to me?” Then I slink out of bed, quietly open an overstuffed drawer and put on pants. Only after I am clothed do I whisper to myself. “That man sleeping in bed is named Lee-Roy. He is my husband. You are a total freak for all the wrong reasons.” This is 100 percent true 90 percent of the time.

(Editor’s note: I think the same thing, except it’s “Where did this almond on the pillow come from?” right before I shrug and just eat it. This is 100 percent true 100 percent of the time.)

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Merge lanes. Specifically assholes who deem it acceptable to sit in your blind spot as you try to jump on the highway at speeds faster than 4 MPH. And just as you enter their lane, they move over to the right to exit. Dicks.

(Another note: Yup. We’ve been over this. It’s remarkable how we’re the only people on the planet who don’t drive like Helen Keller.)

Three websites you visit every day.

I want to say BBC (because I am international like that), Lumosity (I am too cheap to subscribe) and Epicurious because I am a fancy foodie. But that would be a lie. If I am being honest Bradsdeals (you’ve got to spend money to make money, fools), ChicagoNow and Slate.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I can recite pretty much the entire script of Overboard (1987) from memory. “Andrew, are you going to bring me my lemonade or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?”

Favorite place to be?

Movies. Phone off, kid hopefully with sitter, endless carbs, stealth consumption of booze and a break from the chaos inside my noggin.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Creation of season six The Wire would be federally mandated and funded.

People who:

  • text and drive,
  • stand on the left (walking) side of escalators,
  • turn off their lights on Halloween so kids don’t ring their bell, and
  • shame moms for doing this or that. They should be rounded up and systematically punched in the babymaker.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Freaks and Geeks. Preferably as a geek, though I suppose they aren’t mutually exclusive categories.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Can of Ready Whip and 4-week-old Brussels sprouts. And some moss. A lot of moss.

(Editor’s note again: So…the Ready Whip is the best thing?)

What question do you wish I had asked you?

Does wearing a Lululemon sweatshirt I was given as a gift make me an a-hole because I don’t do yoga? I’m not one of those ridiculous people who spends $300 on yoga pants and gets them hemmed–HEMMED–like the Lululemonites. But if i take the zipper toggle off, it becomes less obvious. It’s just a black sweatshirt and I like the thumb hole thingies that keep your hands warm, but now i feel like a huge hypocrite.

(Last editor’s note: This is a dilemma. Normally I would say anyone who spends more than $50 on yoga/exercise pants is crazy, but considering it was a gift, wear it. Especially seeing as you’re in Chicago. You need to keep those fingers warm so that the middle one can be used to express your delight at people who don’t know how to merge. You’re excused. )

With that cleared up, go check her out after you play our game. SHARING IS CARING.

Speaking of “questionable” clothes, I have to admit that I have my “good T-shirts” and my “home T-shirts” (along with “good” yoga pants and “home” yoga pants.)

What is your “I probably shouldn’t wear this out in public” article of clothing? 

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