Category Archives: Uncategorized

Deva from “My Life Suckers” Has Issues

First of all, thanks to everyone who had nice and encouraging things to say about my last post and the Zazzle store on Facebook (and in the imagined conversations I had with you in my head.)

I’ll remind you every once in awhile when I add new things, but I won’t be annoying because a) that’s annoying and b) I’ll probably forget. But I didn’t forget today is Friday, which means another blogger is sharing their issues.

Today we have none other than Internet video star Deva Dalporto from MyLifeSuckers, and by “Internet video star” I don’t mean in the Kardashian way.

No, while she’s too humble to brag about it, I will tell you she is the force behind the viral videos parodying songs like, “Let It Go” from “Frozen” and “Fancy” from Iggy Izalea, among others.

She’s pretty much a rock star.

I tried to get her to make a video of her replies to a polka medley or two, but no luck, so we’ll just have to settle for text. With that said, let’s roll out the barrel with Deva!

devadalportoletitgo

Name: Deva Dalporto

Blog: MyLifeSuckers

Where, what and why do you write?

I write and make videos about my crazy life-sucking life as a mom. If I didn’t write about it, I would curl up in a ball and cry. And that would be pathetic.

When my kids aren’t home, I write at my kitchen counter because it’s close to the teapot. And I love tea. Like love, love tea. I probably should have been British. When my kids are home, I try to hide in my bedroom and work, but they always find me.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

Five freakin’ fifty???? The kids couldn’t have let me sleep until six? It’s inhuman to wake someone up before six.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

My adult acne. I mean REALLY! God must hate me. He couldn’t have given me a break between acne and wrinkles? Just a few Neutrogena-fresh years?

Three websites you visit every day.

Facebook. Er, Facebook. And, um, Facebook.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I load a mean dishwasher. I’m very proud of my dishwasher loading skills. I can fit in an amazing amount of stuff without anything touching. It really is a marvel.

And I’m very critical of other people’s dishwasher loading skills. Like when someone takes up the whole bottom row with a big bowl, I just shake my head and wonder WHY??? WTF is wrong with people? You can’t take up valuable real estate that should be reserved for plates with ONE bowl. I mean, do you KNOW how many plates you can get into the space that one big bowl takes up? Sheesh.

Favorite place to be?

In bed. Except I’m an insomniac so it’s kind of a torturous relationship. I hate being in bed when I can’t sleep and my mind is running a million miles an hour reminding me that I’M GOING TO DIE some day. Good times. But besides the insomnia part, I love being in bed.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I would get rid of Standard Time and keep us on Daylight Savings Time. Standard Time is the devil. Who wants it to get dark at 4 pm? And adjusting to time changes with kids is hell on earth. Really, time changes need to go.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Project Runway, except I can’t sew. I really just want to hang out with Tim Gunn and have him tell me to, “Make it work.”

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Best is my Humbolt Fog Goat Cheese. I have been dairy-free for six years and the doctor just gave me the all-clear for goat cheese, so I’ve been indulging in a hunk per night. That’s OK, right?

Worst thing in my fridge would have to be that disgustingly moldy container of yogurt that I keep forgetting to throw out. But I just tell myself I’m educating the kids about fungi. They don’t get enough science in school these days so I’m just doing my part.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

When is the last time you showered, Deva? Why, do I smell? I smell, don’t I? UGH. Oh, to answer your (my) question—I have no idea. Showering is a luxury I rarely afford myself these days.


Stink aside, go check her out after you share one of your issues: What’s the worst thing I could find in your fridge right now?

Like the blog? Buy the books!

Dazzle with Stuff from Zazzle

Are you already exhausted tomorrow? If so, there’s a mug–and a T-shirt and tote bag–for that.

Since a few of you have taken a liking to my social media updates and signs, I decided to create some fun and (dys)functional products that you could buy and take home for yourself via Zazzle, such as:

hungrymugtshirt

coffee

baking

And there are a bunch of other things there as well, including more mugs, tote bags, aprons and T-shirts.

mirrortshirt

While they’re all created in a basic format, they can be customized to whatever size, style and color your little heart desires.

And if there’s something you want that you don’t see, feel free to email me with your suggestions and I’ll see what I can do without a mental breakdown and throwing my computer out the window.

(Not because it’s hard to make things, but because that’s just how I usually feel when I’m online. And also, it takes 24 hours for new items to appear in the store.)

I’ve added a tab at the top of my blog so can share with everyone you know and enter the pantheon of awesomeness, but clicking this link will take you directly to my store.

The best part? You can shop without having to deal with other people who don’t know how to shop. Win-win!

Anyway, I promise not to be spammy about this, but I spent too much damn time trying to figure Zazzle out not to write up a post and occasionally let you know about new items. At the suggestion of social media queen Kim, I’ve also started a “Gifts” Pinterest board where I’ll slowly pin new designs.

So check it out, and as always, thanks for encouraging my behavior!

Like the blog? Buy the books!

What To Know About Owning a House

I’ve owned my own house for around six years now, and I have to say that I love it. Having a haven where I can try and escape the rest of the world is a tiny piece of heaven for me and I have never regretted buying a house for a minute.

OK. That’s not entirely true.

While owning a house is great, there are some things that I wish people had told me about before I signed the mortgage with the blood from my soul and a pen from the agent. I knew I would be spending a lot of money and that living alone, all the responsibility for things fell to me, but there are some things that I didn’t realize.

Everything is Expensive

The good news is that in the beginning after you cut the largest check of your life, everything else seems like pennies. A $300 countertop? What a deal! Only $2,000 for new shingles? Where can I send the check?

However, this excitement diminishes as the memory of that initial payment fades along with the $20/gallon paint that you put on your deck. You soon find yourself comparing the prices of weatherstripping because you’ll be damned if you’re overpaying for that stuff again.

Note: “Weatherstripping” is not as sexy as it sounds.

Also, owning a house makes you extra conscious of everything that happens in or around your house. Shoes are removed because you’re the one that has to clean up the floor, you become captain of the Light Patrol and make sure only the necessary ones are on and every creak and drip will freak you out because it will probably cost money to fix.

Note: Everything will eventually break or need to be replaced—usually all at the same time.

Let There Be Light

Speaking of electricity, every house has at least one switch that you have no idea what it does. You will find it, you will flip it on and off, and somewhere in Alaska an impromptu disco party will be initiated by your actions. But in your own house?

Not so much.

The people who previously owned my house were electrical freaks and had more lights installed than could be found on an airport runway. When I moved in I was gifted this code sheet and control box with eight switches for JUST the outdoor lights. Please note the warning on button 8:

lights2

Just Another Day in Suburbia

You eventually perfect the “suburban nod” to neighbors that will be used every time you see them outside for around the next 20 years. Most discussions will revolve around the weather or what week the recycling containers need to be put on the curb.

Note: Remembering to put out both the trash and recycling on time — and before the neighbors — warrants ALL the suburban medals!

You also become a repository of boring knowledge and get excited over weird things. For example, I couldn’t tell you my bust-hip-waist ratio but I know my furnace filters are 16-20-1.

Driving around you notice things like outdoor light fixtures and decorative mulch, and bringing home a new vacuum is like bringing home a new member of the family.

And no matter where you live, the people who owned the house before you left at least one weird thing when they moved. I’m not necessarily talking about a body buried in the yard, but there will something that makes you wonder what the heck those people were thinking.

pencil

Basements are Creepy

For as often as I go down there, a commune of hippies could be living in my basement and I wouldn’t know it. Aside from taking shelter in storms and changing the furnace filter (size 16-20-1), I avoid it at all costs.

Then again, maybe I should check. If somebody is living down there, maybe I could charge them their part of the rent.

After all, everything is expensive.

Your turn. What’s one weird thing about where you live?

 Like the blog? Buy the books and fun things!

P.S. A reminder that Facebook is limiting what you see, so if you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

Paige Kellerman Has Issues

Today is Friday, which means another blogger will be sharing their issues, although I don’t know how she has time seeing as she has 4-year-old twins and a 2 year old.

(If you will recall, I can barely maintain my garden/horticultural hospice.)

She also has a best-selling book, “At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles,” and is working on the next one while still blogging, parenting and mixing the perfect Gin and tonic (presumably for her and not the children.)

Since she found a few minutes to class up this joint, I now present Paige Kellerman (who I can guarantee is much more attractive than the lame graphic I attempted to make.)

paige

Name: Paige Kellerman

Blog: There’s More Where That Came From

Where, what and why do you write?

I write humor that’s sometimes mistaken for writing that’s not funny. I work mostly in a notebook on my couch, but occasionally I’ll pretend to work on the computer and be on Pinterest instead. This is probably why most people refer to me as “The Next Great American Author No One Will Ever Hear Of.” My reasons for writing have always been pretty deep, mainly fame, fortune and being able to afford a personal chef so I don’t have to cook for my family one day.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning:

Who’s breathing on me?

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Right now, it’s probably the baby climbing in the tub and turning it on while I’m trying to leave your readers with something worthwhile.

Nope, never mind. He was actually throwing the entire new bottle of body wash in the toilet. I’ll be heading to the grocery store after this.

Three websites you visit every day:

Sadly, and without fail, Pinterest, Twitter, Facebook.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I went to an entrepreneurial camp when I was a senior in high school. I rode on a bus to Iowa where I learned how to make a business plan and open up a nightclub. I found that business plan in a box the other day. Every floor of the club was supposedly going to be made of glass and not result in some sort of tragedy. I think the point here is that I can make a really shoddy business plan.

Favorite place to be?

Home. I love to travel, but I’m happiest on my couch, reading and drinking.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

That’s a tough one. I think there should be something governing how long someone can wait for your parking spot. It takes me an hour to get three kids buckled in their car seats. I’m sorry, anonymous person idling in your Hummer.

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Hands down, Conan. I’ve wanted to meet him since I was a kid. If I ever make it on there, I’m giving you a shout out.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

There’s wine and a bowl of strawberries I got all domesticated and cut up the other day. There’s also a Tupperware of baked ziti I wouldn’t open if I were you.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I wish you’d asked me how renovations on the house are going. Because I would’ve said, “They’re going really great, Abby. I just painted our crappy backsplash and now it looks a little less crappy. I’m really proud of that. Thanks for asking.”

Like the blog? Buy the books!

P.S. If you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

This Isn’t About Robin Williams

“Many who try to bring joy to the world are often the same people who fight a great war within themselves. Every fight lost is a tragedy.”

The death of comic genius Robin Williams spawned thousands and thousands of (well-deserved) tributes and blog posts about not only his career and his life, but also his mental health struggles.

I don’t want to read them.

I don’t want to watch them.

I don’t want to hear about depression and opinions from people who just have no clue.

That’s selfish, but I don’t want to deal with it because I live it every day of my life, a life that I’ve questioned the value of more often than I care to admit. While I would like to think that I would never go to that extreme, I’ve thought about what the world would be like if I were no longer in it, if I could never get “better.”

Because of that, Robin Williams’ death wasn’t surprising to me. Tragic? Yes. Surprising? No. Addiction and depression are equal-opportunity destroyers, regardless of age, sex or class. And the thing about addictions are that they’re all just a slow suicide, no matter your weapon of choice.

So why do some people make it while others lose the fight? I don’t think anyone knows.

What I do know is that for me, it’s not about lack of resources, because if I want to get help there are a million places to get it.

It’s not about people not doing enough to help, because I know you have to want and accept that  support in order to pull yourself out.

It’s also not about attention. My dark thoughts aren’t about death but rather the fantasy of finding some peace—any peace—to quiet the storms in my head.

That probably doesn’t make sense, but I wrote a piece for Huffington Post about my OCD that I never shared on this blog because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. Plus, sometimes I just don’t want to deal with that reality.

But it is reality, and so are suicide and depression and all those things I don’t want to read, hear or talk about a lot of the time—all those things I am forced to think about all the time anyway.

Yet that’s probably part of the problem.

After Williams’ death I posted that quote above on Facebook and linked back to a post I wrote on depression.

The response was huge, both on that older post and to the simple quote. People sent me emails sharing their stories, and someone commented, “Thank you for things that you write. You have a medium where you can reach out to other people and truly help them with your own experiences.”

Whether he liked it or not, Robin Williams had a platform to talk about mental health, and maybe in some tiny miniscule way, so do I–whether through humor or sharing my struggles. If nothing else, I need the support myself on most days.

Of course, there’s no magic cure or easy answers. But what there is is support if you accept it, people who care and a dialogue about mental health that has been reopened up with another loss of life.

This time it wasn’t you.

It wasn’t me.

And if it was, it’s safe to say the whole world wouldn’t be mourning our passing. But somebody would. Somebody cares. And every fight lost is a tragedy.

Keep up the fight.

Like the blog? Buy the books!

P.S. If you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

How Being a Writer is Like Being a Parent

It’s no secret that the extent of my maternal skills is having a garden, and seeing as how I’m already tired of taking care of it after two months, I know that I’ll never have kids.

But most people I know do have kids, so it’s not like I’m a stranger to the toils and troubles that most parents face. Given what they say on a regular basis, I realized that being a writer isn’t all that different from being a parent at times.

kid

Deadlines are Seen as Suggestions

Writer: I send out an email that the deadline for copy is Sept. 1, and more often than not I’ll get an email Sept. 1 that says, “When is the deadline? Can I send it to you next week?”

Parent: Stating that bedtime is at 8 p.m. more often than not means negotiations start at 7:59 with, “What time is it? Can I just go to bed when I’m tired…three hours from now?”

Going Viral

Writer: This can be a good thing because something you wrote was seen by thousands of people on the Internet. On the other hand, it can also mean some of those people make it their mission to be crappy and (try to) make your life miserable.

Parent: Going “viral” means someone is sick and things literally get crappy, making your life miserable.

Everyone Gives You Advice

Writer: One “expert” says the best way to write is to research and plan it all out, while another “expert” says to just start writing and let inspiration guide you.

Parent: One “expert” says to plan out your child’s every movement, while another “expert” says to just let them be kids and make sure that they don’t maim themselves.

Note: Either way, someone will tell you you’re doing it wrong.

You Brag

Writer: After working hard on something you’re proud of, it’s natural to want to share it will ALL the land because everyone should love it as much as you do. However, everyone will not love it as much as you do, and at times you’re rather annoying.

Parent: After your kid does something no one has EVER done before—like started school, ate a snack or said something cute—it’s natural to want to share it with ALL the land because everyone should love your kid as much as you do. However, everyone will not love your child as much as you do, and at times you’re rather annoying.

Sleep is Never the Same

Writer: You lie awake in the middle of the night, worried that you will NEVER be creative again, or conversely, because you had a great idea that you absolutely had to write down.

Parent: You lie awake in the middle of the night, either worried about your offspring or because of your offspring waking you up to get them a glass of water they will forget that wanted a mere two minutes later.

Grammar Police

Writer: While you hate to perpetuate a stereotype, you at least mentally correct the grammar of those you’re around and people who know “there,” “their” and “they’re” get metaphorical gold stars every day.

Parent: No sweetheart, every time someone says, “I could care less” when they mean, “I couldn’t care less,” Santa Claus steals from cute kittens.

You Need Thick Skin

Writer: You’re rejected more often than not, and thick skin is required (as are soft pillows for when you bang your head on your desk in despair, hypothetically speaking.)

Parent: Kids hold nothing back. If you’re ugly or smell, they’ll tell you you’re ugly and smell. There’s nowhere to hide.


In both instances, there is often whining and wine, a sense that you’re usually underappreciated and that what you say is completely ignored most of the time.

But at the end of the day, you would do it all over again because the joys infinitely outweigh the pains. And if even one person loves what you create—even if that one person is only you—it makes it all worthwhile.

 Like the blog? Buy the books and fun things!

P.S. If you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

 

Brenna from “Suburban Snapshots” Has Issues

It’s Friday, so another blogger is spilling their issues.

Brenna is not only a mom, photographer, writer and Web designer, but she’s also kind of a big deal because she once danced and it went viral. I asked her to dramatically interpret the rest of this post through dance, but instead she just answered the questions.

Whatever.

brenna3

Name: Brenna Jennings

Blog: Suburban Snapshots

Where, what and why do you write?

I blog on my couch, but I publish on SuburbanSnapshots.com. I write about things in my life I think are relatable. I write because I didn’t have enough ways to ignore my family after 7pm. I started writing to keep my family posted on a move, and kept writing because it seemed to make strangers feel less alone, less crazy, and my audience seemed to have a good laugh. It was never my intention to have an audience bigger than my family or to earn an income, which is great, because I make about zero dollars from my blog. That’s an estimate.

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

“Does my husband want to have sex right now? And if so, how bad is my breath?”

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Rape and guns. Not to get all heavy, but right now I have friends dealing with stuff that makes anything I could complain about in my life seem preposterous. But I see all this shit going on around women’s rights and gun rights and much of it is infuriating to me.

Three websites you visit every day.

Facebook, then probably some stupid Buzzfeed quiz, then my local paper.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I f*cking rule at parallel parking. (Editor’s note: That SHOULD go on a resume. When done correctly, it’s a beautiful thing. When done incorrectly, it’s still highly entertaining.)

Favorite place to be?

My mom has this big, bright room on her house that’s got a wood stove. Out the window in the morning and evening you can watch deer come out of the woods and eat. Maybe that’s not adventurous or exotic, but it’s hella relaxing.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

I was going to say I’d ban Internet trolls, but they are really entertaining. I mean, the best. My favorite is how their immediate insult is either something about you being a woman or being a liberal.

1. I’d ban hockey after February because seriously.

2. I’d ban the word “dongle” because it’s gross. Give me “moist” any day over “dongle.” 3. I’d make it illegal for Gwyneth Paltrow to talk unless she inhaled helium first.

(Another editor’s note: I like hockey, so…seriously. But the Gwyneth comment more than makes up for that. GOOP, my ass.)

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Jimmy Fallon, unless he made me go on a roller coaster. No way, man.

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

Best: the leftover Mexican skillet my husband made for dinner last night

Worst: I’m not sure what it is, but it’s covered in pink fur and I keep pretending not to notice it

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

Q. “What would you want people to remember you by?”

A. “Well, I hope my body of work doesn’t get eclipsed by some kid’s Washington Monument dildo.

And really, isn’t that what we all want?

Thank you, Brenna!

Now who will be here next week? (Hint: it’s not the creator of a Washington Monument dildo. I don’t think. I guess I’ll have to check.)

Like the blog?Buy the books!

P.S. If you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

P.P.S. I had another visit over on Scary Mommy, this time talking about depression. The comments remind me why I write, so thank you much for everyone who read that post.

 

My Life is Headline News

Needless to say, the closest I’ll come to having a reality show is if they’re looking to make a montage of someone walking into a room, forgetting why she went in there and walking back out a few times.

Considering the kinkiest part of my weekend was wrestling with the garden hose for 15 minutes, I’m not exactly making headline news with my adventures. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still provide you with some more headlines from my house.

Woman reenacts, ‘Eat. Pray. Love.’ minus the last two things

Chickpea dropped on office floor. Memorial services pending

Missed Connection: You were the hot shirtless jogger who said “hi.” I was the one who waved back with a bag full of dog poop. Look me up.

Group formed to mandate drug testing ‘Price Is Right’ contestants, claiming, ‘No one is naturally that excited about anything.’

Weather: High was 80 degrees. Low was eating a piece of broccoli that fell out of my shirt

Local dentist offers hygienists comfortable with silence for additional fee

On the next episode of ‘Naked & Afraid': Abby sees a spider in the shower

Invitation stating, ‘Regrets Only,’ sent note: ‘My hair throughout most of the ’90s.’

Chipmunk runs into leg, screams and runs away; Suspect assumed to be male, given victim’s history with the opposite sex

Studies show easiest way to get out of ‘Reply All’ email cycle is to toss computer out window and start a new life

Writer wins $2 on scratch-off lotto ticket, says ‘I promise not to let it change who I am.’

Trending in fashion: ‘I look okay enough to go to Walmart, but not to go to Target’

Woman uses kitchen shears to actually cut food and not open a box; offered Food Network show

Breaking News: Windshield not a force field of invisibility. People see you picking your nose

Motion to rename store ‘Bed, Bath & Beyond My Budget’ denied

Suspected tricks up woman’s sleeve confirmed to be just scented fabric softener sheet

Newest social media craze revealed: 1) Leave your house 2) Talk to real people

Analysts predict most effective retirement plan is cashing in swear jar on desk

Beauty Tip: Save 20 minutes on morning beauty routine by not having morning beauty routine

Compilation video from ATM security footage of woman rocking out in car sold to YouTube for pennies

For 1,356,305th week in a row, Saturday wins award for “Best Day of the Week”

Woman danced like nobody was watching. Got asked to leave store because ‘Scaring the other shoppers’

Writer pulls muscle in chest. No swelling. Great disappointment.

Your turn. What’s one headline from your life?

 Like the blog? Buy the books and fun things!

P.S. If you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

Don’t Just Disappear

She exists in two worlds—the reality that we all know and the reality that her mind creates.

Some days she’ll look me straight in the eyes and tell me about how she’s exhausted from running here or there for a husband who has been gone for years.

Looking at Gram in her wheelchair—where I know she’s been all day, all week, all year—I can see the confusion-filled cloud of dementia that hangs over so many that live in the home.

But lately she’s slipped past the frustrated stage into one of simple contentment most days. Sometimes she’s with us and sometimes she’s lost in that world of her own, but the fear of those two worlds colliding seems to have lessened a bit.

I’ve written about the relationship between my mom, my grandma and me here dozens of times, but this past year it’s been really hard. While there are moments of tenderness and heart-breaking hilarity, continuing to visit and watch mental and physical deterioration—and being powerless to change any of it—isn’t easy to do.

It’s no longer the way that it was.

She doesn’t understand watching baseball anymore, so our biggest shared interest is gone. And at times I don’t want to clean up the room or stop in and find that she’s still sleeping, blinds closed and room dark in the middle of a sunny summer day.

But recently an aide commented to me, “It nice that you still come and visit so much. So many families just disappear.”

As hard as it is, I admit I know exactly how those people feel. Most times I just don’t want to go.

Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s knowing that she is safe and in capable hands without me doing the work. Maybe it’s the difficulty in seeing a person you love with your heart and not just your eyes fade into the gathering darkness.

It’s hard when she’s not the person that she used to be, and in a way she exists in two worlds for me—the reality that we all know and the reality my mind creates, the way I want to remember she was.

But if being on the outside is rough, being on the inside must be harder, even if her recognition of this has passed, too. We all have times that we feel alone or fear that somehow we’ll be forgotten simply because we’ve changed in a way that others find hard to accept.

But while it’s not always fun and it’s not always easy, it’s also not all about me.

So I go to make sure she’s comfortable, to selfishly lessen my guilt, to connect her two worlds when I can and make sure she knows that I’m there—wherever her “there” is on that day.

I go because this is our reality now.

I go because deep down she’s still the same Gram.

I go because love doesn’t just disappear, and because she hasn’t either, neither will I.

Like the blog? Buy the books!

P.S.  If you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.

Nicole Leigh Shaw Has Issues

Friday means another blogger sharing their issues!

Today is none other than the Ninja Mom herself, Nicole Leigh Shaw. So without further ado, I’m going to let her take over because, well, she’s a ninja. You never mess with a ninja.

nicoleleigh2.jpg

Name: Nicole Leigh Shaw

Blog: Well, that’s a bit tricky. I started blogging, publicly, as NinjaMomBlog.com. I still do. But, I’ve recently launched NicoleLeighShaw.com, because it turns out I’m not only interested in writing about mommy things. Who knew?

Where, what and why do you write?

Why? Because I’m an incurable egotist who likes the metaphoric sound of her own voice. That’s the truth of it. The shine I like to put on it is that I might have things to write about that are interesting to other people. This proves to be true, some of the time.

I write essay-style humor and internet-friendly humor and even mime humor. I derive a certain pleasure from making fun of mimes. In fact, the more humor you write, the more you realize there are particular punch lines you can’t let go of. Mimes feature more than they should.

Also, dead pet jokes. I write a lot of those. Particularly about the unflushability of certain pets, say, ferrets. You can flush a goldfish, not so a ferret. This amuses me. It’s probably a topic my therapist would like to hear more about, but for now I let it play out in my humor writing.

Specifically, I currently write for NickMom.com, WeAreTeachers.com, Moms.FortWayne.com (as well as their print incarnation), Swimmingly.com, Mamalode.com, InThePowderRoom.com, and have written for Fandango’s Family Room and I don’t even know where else but if someone owes me a paycheck, would you kindly pay me?

First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

First thing? I’ve never noticed. Gosh, what would be a great answer here? “I think about how I can put out positive energy for the day and end each night as a better person.” The truth is that I probably think about the Keurig.

What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?

Professionally, I need a benefactor who will provide me a house-cleaning and babysitting stipend while I write. Not available on Craigslist. I’ve looked.

Personally, I have a nagging feeling I’ll have to initiate the sex talk with my oldest soon, because despite my telepathic messages “just ask me point-blank and I’ll tell you!” she seems to be waiting until her wedding night when I will be forced to tell her about things like “penetration.”

Three websites you visit every day.

NickMom.com, where I can see that all of my writer colleagues have been so very much funnier than I am.

Does Facebook count?

I’m not really good at consistency, truth be told. I visit different sites every day. I like Swimmingly.com lately, because the writing is sharp, and no I don’t mean my own writing, but sure, that too. I also like to hit up Medium, which is always loaded with thinky pieces. But, mainly, I use the Internet like a cat uses chopsticks.

What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?

I can contort my tongue into three little folds. I’m not the only one, but it’s not like there’s a ton of tri-fold tongues running around out there. I also have only one-and-a-half toenails, but I hardly call that a talent or an accomplishment.

Favorite place to be?

Home, mostly. Unless it’s filthy, which it usually is. So, someone else’s home.

If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?

Well, there’d be very clear signs indicating that you can make a left turn on red if you’re turning onto a one-way road because that always makes me break out in nervous sweats. Turn, don’t? Wait for green? Why is this so hard?

What TV show would you want to appear on?

Can I pick none? Unless I can magically become a dancer with years and years of training, then I’ll be on “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?

All relative. Am I PMSing? Then the best thing in my fridge is cheese and dips for things, including more cheese. If I’m not PMSing, then it’s the veggies. I have a fair amount of veggies and fruits and also Greek yogurt, because if the current yogurt-marketing machine is to be believed, Greek yogurt cures everything from cancer to plantar warts.

What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?

I wish you had asked me if you could give me money. I would have said “yes.”

Like the blog? Buy the books!

P.S.  I have some good posts lined up for next week. If you don’t want to miss anything, be sure to subscribe here on the blog and/or follow me on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.