I Love Not Camping

I originally published this a couple of years ago, but seeing as it’s almost “camping season” and no one is on the Internet this holiday weekend, it’s worth a rerun.

Spring has sprung, which means many people will be packing up to go camping in the coming weeks. I will not be one of them, as I do not camp.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the outdoors and worship the sun and nature. And while I’m not high-maintenance, I don’t find appeal in sleeping on the ground in a tent pretending I’m homeless.

But despite the tent aversion, I do have a bit of camping experience.

When I was younger we had a trailer up north that we spent a good deal of time at in the summer. It was a decent sized rig with a shower, small kitchen, deck, etc., but it was still a trailer.

I fished, shot my bow and arrow (not at anything living, at least not on purpose,) tore around on the 4-wheeler and hit the lake with the inflatable alligator before coming back to nighttime campfires, Cribbage games and attempts to attract bats by throwing random crap up in the air by the park lights.

I was young, and other than the fact that I rolled out of the top bunk of triple bunk beds—a bed rail was quickly installed—I had no real complaints. Now that I’m older and (questionably) wiser, I would have many complaints, which is why I don’t even attempt to pretend to want to camp.

Why someone would want to leave indoor plumbing and decent food and increase the likelihood of contracting mosquito malaria, dirt-covered food and being attacked by a baby deer in the woods is beyond me.*

*Of course, to each their own (disclaimer so campers don’t get pissed, although if they’re camping, they shouldn’t have access to Wi-Fi.)

But for those who enjoy camping and would like to recreate this experience at home, I have a few suggestions:

  • Hang your clothes over a wood fire to get that signature smell, the one that will hopefully cover up the other signature smell of musty dampness.
  • While you’re over the fire, singe your eyelashes and grab a hot poker to recreate the experience of starting the fire and attempting to roast anything with a metal stick.
  • Scald the skin on the roof of your mouth in an attempt to eat whatever it is you were trying to roast that didn’t fall into the flame.
  • Hover—a lot—and get used to swatting bugs with one hand while wiping with the other. This takes skill, which is why you will most likely find yourself pissing on your own leg (hey, you wanted to go camping.)
  • Pour sand directly into the bottom of your bathing suit and any exposed crack or opening in your body. If a lake is nearby, also include seaweed.
  • If you feel like getting fancy, spray yourself with a water bottle to recreate the (lack of) water pressure trailer showers provide. Forget about washing your hair (this is actually a positive in my book.)
  • Plant families of the loudest bugs on the planet in your backyard directly next to your window. If available, add in the mating calls of mystery creatures you’re sure are rabid and hunting you down.
  • Roll your meals in damp dirt.
  • Roll your clothes in damp dirt.
  • Roll yourself in damp dirt.

So for those of you starting your camping season soon, may the force be with you. I plan on working in the yard a bit, reading and enjoying the luxury of warm showers, good food I didn’t have to catch and a few good baseball games.

I love not camping.

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18 responses to “I Love Not Camping

  1. Hahaha I saw the title and I went YEP ME THAT’S ME.

  2. Hahahaha this is hilarious! 👍

  3. All of this applies to living on a boat. Of course dirt is replaced by water. And musty dampness is replaced by moldy dampness… :)

  4. Its best with no tent. Deliberate not unintentionally of course

  5. You forgot to add: “Spray yourself with a can of oily scented OFF perfume and then cover it with suntan lotion for extra, added protection!” =)

  6. I’m with you, Abby. I love NEVER camping!

  7. Couch-camping is a thing, right?

  8. I’m with you. My folks never went camping. It never interested me. And my husband(s) never showed interest. I like “comfortable” and “convenience.”

  9. BTW, it looks like there ARE some people on the internet after all!

  10. I intend to go “glamping” soon, which is camping, except you bring furniture and rugs and champagne so as to pretend you’re not camping. I don’t know what the appeal is, but I am drawn by it’s camping-but-not siren.

    It’s like this:

  11. BWAHAHAHA! I have to admit that I’ve never been camping! Therefore, the title of your post is totally up my alley! I have no desire to camp. I don’t like bugs. I like sleeping on a real mattress. Thanks for sharing!

  12. I totally agree! 😂😂😂😂 I did endure the 2-night Girl Scout camp out with my daughter but vowed to never agin! Not my thing…

  13. Hilarious. I use to suck it up once a year to fish with the hubby…ugg but no so much anymore although I did tell him I would go one time this year. What we do to make people happy… :)

  14. I used to have a bumper sticker that said, “My idea of camping is when room service is late!” but my teen-aged daughter persuaded me not to replace it when we got another car. I miss that bumper sticker.
    However, my daughter, now grown into a great woman, sent me this article, so she’s mellowed on me. But she camps.

  15. Haha this was hilarious!!!! And so true. I went camping at Allegheny State Park as a child and I’ve camped at a couple music festivals. I have come to realize that camping is not my thing. Give me a hotel vacation instead anyday! I like having a roof over my head with indoor plumbing and a fan, food not cooked in a bonfire, and my comfortable bed!

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