Doorbell Death Roll

While on the phone with my mom the other day, I caught someone walking up my driveway out of the corner of my eye. Jumping into action, I bolted from the couch and took a covert peek through the mini-blinds. Seconds later I heard a knock on the door.

My natural (neurotic) instincts kicked in and I immediately dove behind the couch while telling my mom to be quiet, as apparently I assumed the knocker had supersonic hearing.

doorfront2

Seeing as she will rush to shut the drapes upon seeing a solicitor walk down the road a mile away, this statement did not surprise her at all.

“It looks like there’s a DHL van parked next door and I didn’t order anything,” I said, cradling the phone between my ear and my shoulder while crawling on the floor to get a look through another window.

“Maybe there’s an emergency,” she suggested.

“And the DHL guy who is parked next door calmly walked over here because he thinks I’m best equipped to handle an emergency?” I asked. “What kind of emergency would that be? Did he get a craving for hummus?”

“Good point,” she conceded.

Another quick glance through the blinds revealed him walking down my driveway, walking back up and ringing the bell. At this point I thought it might be important, but again, in moments of possible social interaction my survival instincts kick in and I decide better safe and anti-social than sorry.

While I waited for his retreat, I examined my rug burn and the situation at hand.

The truth is that I might be a Publisher’s Clearing House million dollar winner if not for the fact that I perform a death roll behind the furniture the second I hear the doorbell.

Why?

Because I’m most likely not wearing any makeup and smell like garlic, which means even if the DHL employee is hot, it won’t do me any good. But also because in other instances there’s a chance someone is selling something — be it religion or a $14 roll of wrapping paper that covers one small shoebox — and I don’t have an interest in either.

Plus, if I’m not expecting someone and the person at the door is a semi-stranger, I’ll be forced to yell through the glass out of irrational fear they’re casing the joint — even if they are a pack of nuns with fundraising sheets in their hands.

Spoiler alert: Unless you want drawers of rubber bands and incense, you should probably loot down the street. You’ll be much more satisfied there.

So to avoid both an awkward social situation that may or may not involve me in a robe wafting garlic in my wake and the potential for junk drawer pillaging, I feel like sprinting across the living room and diving into the kitchen to hide is actually a quite reasonable response.

As I peeked back out the window a minute later, I was able to report that my arch enemy was retreating down the driveway.

“Arch enemy?” my mom said while heaving a sigh. “What are you, a superhero?”

No, not a superhero. That would most involve a spandex costume and I can’t even be troubled to wear a real bra. I’m just an ordinary woman who performs a death roll behind the couch upon hearing the doorbell, my friends.

Unless you’re holding a big check with my name on the front. In that case, by all means come in.

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31 responses to “Doorbell Death Roll

  1. I’ve never been more upset than when one of my children yells out, “Mom! There’s someone at the door!” As if I don’t *know* that! That’s why I’m hiding!

  2. Uninvited people don’t come to my door any more. They know better.

  3. Hahaha! I thought I was the only one who does this! I agree with Steph, my children get my evil eye and gritted teeth when they yell that someone’s at the door. They finally learned: someone knocked on the door, Mom’s hiding, therefore “we ALL act like bean bag chairs!” Even if I know who it is (neighbors and such), if I didn’t invite them, I don’t answer the door.

  4. Thekitchwitch

    I do the same death roll. Alas,the dog always blows my cover. Definite downside to dog ownership.

  5. Look, I agree with you all. But if you ask me, grab a blunt object, open the door, and take a swing. Heck, I do that all the time just to scare them. Throw in a hockey mask also, it is hilarious.

  6. We bought a “no soliciting” sign for our door and now the bell hardly ever rings!! It’s great!!

    We also don’t have a peephole, we have a peep DOOR so I’d look like the “no more beggars!” scene from Robin Hood if I used it.

  7. First of all, what a charming front door. Send, BAHAHAHA! Third, you need to move to a secluded hilltop like mine with a long, narrow, winding, barely paved driveway that doesn’t even have an address, just an unmarked opening in a fence. Fourth, my UPS man is a local guy that everyone knows and likes, and so dedicated that he actually drives all the way up the hill — even if it’s 10 at night — to make sure I get my package. Also, I don’t have a doorbell, but I do have a Chihuahua. :)

    • I would LOVE to live where you live. And thanks for the compliments on my door. I wish I could take credit for it, but it’s adopted.

  8. I once asked a religion “seller” that since I had to stand here and listen to them “preach” about their religion, if it was ok if I told them about mine. They looked at me weird and I just started in about how Mother Earth was wonderful and great. She even allowed the all mighty Thor to visit our world. I went on and on for about 10 minutes as they slowly kept taking one step back. I didn’t ever have a problem with them “visiting” ever again, well at least at that address. I’ve moved since then.

  9. I have had so many nuisance people at the door, I have become rather kurt and impatient with people at the door. (same with the phone) I’m like you, I’ll hide behind the couch. It is far better than being know as the B—- who gives these guys a hard time.
    Leslie

  10. I do this every time. Unless it’s the UPS guy, (who I know, which might be worse…) I never open the door and have pulled muscles leaping over furniture to get to the hall, away from the windows, when the doorbell rings.

    I have missed out on some stuff, though, like the FedEx guy trying to drop off my teenager’s new iphone, which needed a signature for delivery. (“MOOOOOMMMMM!!!?”)

    I still always dive for the hallway when a car pulls in, though. I’m anti-doorbell, to the n’th power. If I’m not expecting company, that door stays CLOSED, baby.

    • That’s true that if I know I ordered something and want it to arrive five minutes ago, I get rabid when I see the truck drive by…

  11. We get a lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I duck for cover, but my husband likes to invite them in and talk to them until they beg to leave.

  12. I do the exact same thing, except I also do a lot of online shopping, so it’s always a dilemma of whether or not to open or stay behind my fridge in all my fleecy robe glory. One time, a woman from the city came to measure our yard and, when I didn’t open the door, I found her with a giant ruler back there, shocked as ** to see me walk out of the house, in my slippers, about 20 minutes into it. God, how embarrassing. For her, I mean. Obviously.

  13. I never answer the door. Too bad my house is like a fish bowl w/ a million windows so I have to crawl to the bedrooms in the back & hide while my heart pounds. But there’s a good lesson in all this: “better safe and anti-social than sorry.”

  14. I do this, and also a kamikaze chop whenever my phone rings – especially if I don’t recognise the number! I’m so anti social, but after being caught off guard and accidentally signing up to be an Avon lady I’m not taking any risks any more.

  15. I also hide from any and everyone who rings my doorbell…though I do it mainly b/c I assume they’re there to murder me. (Hey, it happens!)

  16. You’re not alone. My husband is beyond over my irrational fear of the doorbell (or knock…or the dog quietly gruffing making me think there’s someone at the door…) especially after a certain point in the afternoon. Morning knocks aren’t as scary as later in the day disruptions.
    Like you said & I agree – Better safe & socially awkward than sorry.

  17. Hi Abby,
    Every now and then I wish I still lived in an apartment. In those days, no one ever knew my whereabouts. Now, with a useless garage filled with stuff, we park our cars on our driveway, and I can’t ever pretend I’m out. It’s even worse when my neighbors say, “Don’t you think you might want to get out more? Your car hasn’t moved for days!”
    I love your blog!

    • I can’t keep my car in the garage because the garage is too small and old, so I can’t use the excuse that I was gone because my car gives me away (however, I can be out for a walk, in the shower, etc.) ;)

  18. I invariably have on a too short t-shirt and underpants whenever someone knocks on the door (no bell…whew!) It’s always a challenge to decide if I should make a run for the bedroom and find a robe or just flat out hide…either way is tough because you can (kind of) see through my glass-paned (but curtained) front door. I figure they get what they deserve…and that could go a lot of different ways!

  19. The Farmer's Daughter

    Hilarious! Do the same thing. Remember years ago living in a town where the religious folk came knocking on the door on Saturdays. We’d draw the drapes and crawl around the house!

  20. I love my house. I really do, except for the simple fact the floor to ceiling windows on the first floor pretty much blow my chances of a behind the couch doorbell death roll….not to say I haven’t tried, but man does it make things awkward. They know I’m in there, I know they’re out there…you get the idea.

  21. Yup. I do the same thing.
    Great post.

  22. Your post reminds me of my childhood, too too funny. Now though, I have instructed my numerous kids to peek out the window and to only open the door if they know the person. I do the same, don’t care that they see me. It does make for some determined ones to knock louder or ring the doorbell again, but by then they KNOW they’re not welcome :)

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