(Probably)True Hollywood Stories

You might think you know who they are, but can we every really know?

mrpeanut

In this first installment of “Probably True Hollywood Stories,” we will reveal the secrets, scandals, mysteries and “where-are-they-now?” investigations of several well-known fictional characters.

Dora the Explorer

Best known for spending most of her days in the woods with a talking monkey instead of attending an actual school, Dora soon found childhood fame too much to handle. A week before her 18th birthday she was spotted wandering the countryside mumbling things like, “Say map! Say map!” and “Swiper, no swiping!” and was briefly checked into a psychiatric unit for treatment.

Upon her release she went on to write a tell-all memoir explaining why even though she was bilingual at age four, she still found it impossible to locate items right next to her. However, her real success was the launch of her clothing line tailored to women with heads the size of a football.

Uh…Khakis

The unlikely marriage of Flo, the annoyingly upbeat and enthusiastic employee for Progressive Insurance, and Jake from State Farm, the representative for a competing company, was initially smooth sailing.

However, it was soon reported that Flo became increasing suspicious of Jake’s 3 a.m. phone calls from women asking “What are you wearing?” and his friendship with the pink-haired secret agent Erin from Esurance.

When asked for comment, Flo was quoted as saying, “She sounds hideous.”

Waldo Finds Himself

His distinctive red-and-white-striped shirt, bobble hat and glasses made Waldo universally recognizable in a crowd, but what was hidden was the inner turmoil he was dealing with in his life.

After his girlfriend Wilma left him citing abandonment issues—and taking Woof the dog with her, as well—it was revealed that Waldo began to suffer from social anxiety and a paranoia that people were looking for him. Once a prolific traveler, he stopped making public appearances and only discreetly surfaced in large crowds.

Last year he resurfaced with the announcement he was settling down “somewhere in the world” with his fiancé, Carmen SanDiego, and opening a spiritual colony.

That’s Nuts

Mr.Peanut, depicted as an anthropomorphic legume dressed in the formal clothing of an old-fashioned gentleman — top hat, white gloves, a cane and that signature monocle—became one of the best-known advertising icons in modern times.

But with the rise in peanut allergies nationwide, Mr. Peanut was quoted as saying he needed to, “Up his game” and “find a look that will bespeak my status, whilst also matching my white gloves and high-top leather shoes.” Finding traditional glasses unsatisfactory, Mr. P went on to undergo Lasik surgery.

The results proved disastrous, both personally and professionally, as a glitch in the procedure rendered him blanched and then roasted in color. Planters soon terminated their partnership citing breach of contract. Mr. Peanut now resides in Mexico with his wife and their little bambinos.

Mystery Mayhem

Known as the brains behind a successful ghost catching business, Velma was shocked when the group decided to split, leaving her unemployed with only “that burned-out loser and a freakin’ dog,” as she was quoted as saying on E!

Scorned, Velma went on to write an expose titled, “Mayhem in the Mystery Machine,” in which she claims Fred and Daphne refused to do any work, often “disappearing” together and returning looking roughed up but yet with no clues; that Shaggy was in a constant smoke/snack/slack cycle that included his own special “Scooby Snacks”; and that the Mystery Van was actually a odorous death trap due to driving through swamps.

When reached for comment about these claims, the group only responded with: “Ruh-roh.”

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10 responses to “(Probably)True Hollywood Stories

  1. I don’t know how you come up with this stuff! I wish I were you.

  2. Hilarious. I was only going to comment on Dora because you were spot on with her, but the Scooby Doo characters were just as good. Why just last week my son asked me if I knew what “I roh roh” meant.
    And “Jake from State Farm” is a running joke in our house. Who would have thought that he and Flo would have gotten together? But I could have told them it wouldn’t last.

  3. I have no idea what you are talking here, but I love it!
    Hehehehe
    (gonna read it again and try to grow some smart-cells.

  4. You had me smiling once again. It is a gift of yours

  5. giggles. You’re so incredibly funny, all the time. Geesh. ;)

  6. That stuff you’re on, can I have some please?

    Bright brilliance

    Thank you

  7. “What was hidden was his inner turmoil” Priceless!

  8. oh my goodness I loved this. Wish i had a satirical mind like yours. Maybe Dora and Arnold should collaborate to create a clothing line for both men and women with heads the size of a football.

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