Different Soaks for Different Folks

Some of you faithful readers might remember that last year I applied to a local Craigslist ad to be a naked sushi model.

I was hesitant at first, but the fact that they offered to cover my “goodies” with bamboo was a nice gesture. And what really sold me was that not only did the ad say it would be “awesome,” but heck! I could take the leftover sushi home with me!

Unfortunately, I never heard back and my dreams were dashed with sushi silence.

However, my friend Cadry alerted me to a listing in New Yorkunder “talent gigs,” no less— that has been floating around the Internet. Since the whole “being naked and used as a table” thing didn’t work out, I decided to give it a shot.

(Reprinted exactly as listed, despite grammatical errors and lack of punctuation that make me twitchy. But again, with fate one can’t be picky!)

I will pay you $175 to sit in my bath tub full of ramen noodles wearing a bathing suit

I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.

I will give you the keys while we meet, and you will go to my apartment thereafter.

It will require a 30 minute soak.

The noodles will be cooked and therefore slippery.

Do not bring any sauce. I will season the sauce after I get home prior to dinner.

Again, I was a bit hesitant when I first read this and had some concerns. However, it is a $175 paycheck—or cash, I would assume—and I wouldn’t even have to taste good, per se. As the ad notes, the poster would season the sauce himself prior to dinner.

So I applied with a few requests of my own to throw my hat into the ring—or the bathtub, so to speak.

To whom it may concern:

I am applying for the position of bathing beauty/soaking seasoning that you have listed on Craigslist. While bathing in a tub of noodles is a rather unusual employment opportunity, I’m excited to explore the “pastabilities!”

(See what I did there? Dinner and a show!)

Anyway, the gig sounds clear enough, but there are a few questions I have and so I did a little research.

What I found out is that if one were to eat ramen every day for one year for three meals a day, it would amount to a mere $142 (and severe hypertension.)

Given that you are willing to offer $175 for one tub of slippery, unsauced noodles leads me to believe that you are one classy dude and totally aren’t plotting to murder me and cook my body in the broth!

But there is a little concern on my end as to what I am supposed to do for 30 minutes alone wearing a bathing suit in a strange person’s tub of noodles. Do you have a DVD player? Wi-fi? Maybe a crossword puzzle or two?

Second, what flavor noodles will I be soaking in and what kind of sauce will you be adding post-soak? I realize this might not be relevant, but even though I’ve never eaten them I‘ve been told that most taste like loneliness and poverty.

I have my pride and am a vegan, so I would prefer that a “classy” flavor be selected. Something like mushroom, perhaps?

At any rate, I think this will be beneficial for both of us. You get your female flavoring and due to the artificial ingredients and shit ton of salt in the ramen, my skin will stay preserved for the next 50 years.

It’s a bit odd, but as they say, different soaks for different folks!

Thanks so much and I hope to hear from you soon.

Abby

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26 responses to “Different Soaks for Different Folks

  1. Damn, wish I had seen that listing first. (Not to apply to, but so I could write the blog post – trust me, no one wants to put Cordelia’s Mom in a bathing suit.)

  2. This guy would be *crazy* not to hire you. Wait…

  3. “pastabilities” made me lol (in the literal way, not in that whole “I don’t know what else to say” way) :)

  4. I’m with Cordelia’s mom on this one.

  5. I dunno, this has a very “it places the lotion in the basket” feel to it, but replace “lotion” with “body”, and “basket” with “tub full of deliciously salted cheap noodles”. Then again, the thought of having a heavily preserved look after a long, luxurious soak in whatever it is that gives ramen it’s superb flavor and mind-blowing shelf life could make it worth a potentially traumatizing encounter with a scary person who wants to wear your skin as a suit.
    Good luck!

    • Ha! I’ve never actually had ramen, or if I have I don’t remember. Anything that can live longer than a cockroach isn’t something that I want to eat. The crazy thing is, someone will actually do this. For $175. This.

      • Ramen is certainly the type of garbage food that should be avoided like the plague. My kids and I have eaten enough of it during hard times to where I’m genuinely concerned about what potential long-term effects chronic ramen consumption could have on us, like cancer and/or immortality. I REALLY don’t want to live forever, especially if I have cancer.
        On a side note, providing this Craigslister is not a deranged serial killer, it makes me happy knowing he exists (assuming this is a dude). I berate myself a lot time for the ridiculous things have willingly spent big green on, and this person makes me feel just a tad better about my choices in life.

  6. Dear Abby,

    Re: Application for Vacancy

    Thank you for your apposition vis-à-vis noodle sitting & past abilities. I shall assume this was a typing error. One cannot abide sloppiness, even when noodle’s are at issue.

    I shall endeavour to answer a few of your questions.

    Flava. Although unconventional, I’ve a weakness for lemon curd, which I believe, adds a je ne sais quoi. Would this sit well with your veganism?

    Entertainment. I have no objection to your reading, so long as its not too racy a publication. Excessive perspiration should be avoided thank you.

    Regarding your choice of bathing suit, must be latex free, nothing kinky now thank you

    I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

    Yours sincerely

  7. Spas should offer this Ramen soak. But if they charge more than 5 dollars a dip, then it’s a ripoff.

  8. Well Abby,
    I do worry about your safety. If you don’t slip and fall, knock your head on the side of the tub, what is to stop this guy from adding you to the soup?
    Leslie

  9. Dear Abby-I’ve been noodling around and have been boiling over waiting to hear his response. Curious what kind of infection a gal gets in her lady business after thirty minutes of playing colander. Please take photos if you do this. It’ll make for a great follow up post, or amazing evidence when he adds you as the protein to his soup.
    xo

  10. :D
    Did you receive a response?

  11. Whoa Whoa Whoa… Are we able to agree that this person who posted this ad (Who I am assuming is a man) – wants a BODY to flavor his food?
    Ew…
    I try really hard not to be judgmental…but, this one is a toughy.
    With that being said…It’s not as if he requested this soaker to stay for dinner…
    I like how you titled it – Different Soaks for Different Folks.
    If he selects you, please take a picture of this guys apartment…I need to see this.

  12. I have to admit I have a fascination with the weird as long as it is not dangerous, but going alone to the apartment an unknown noodle fanatic might be a step too far, even for a man like me who loves the unusual.

  13. This was all kinds of wonderfully weird and creepy. You must provide updates. It’s the responsible thing to do.

  14. I don’t even know where to begin, much less end with this one. Wow. Just wow.

  15. Jesus, Abby. You are so fucking funny. “…but even though I’ve never eaten them I‘ve been told that most taste like loneliness and poverty.” Has me wetting myself.

  16. Holy freakin cow. That’s cray. My favorite part was the “soaking seasoning.” And also the last bit of his ad – about not bringing any sauce since he will season it himself before dinner.

  17. Hilarious, Abby! This post was everything I was hoping it would be when I sent the listing your way. I don’t think I will ever look at ramen the same again…

    • I have to thank you again! And I never really looked at ramen in any favorable light before, but this? Sealed the deal ;)

  18. Gold. Why a bathing suit??!!! Maybe he likes the flavour of fanny and neoprene. Da fuq?!

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