The Best Writing Conference Ever!

I’ve never attended a writer’s conference, mostly because they’re expensive and my OCD makes it hard to travel at times. However, I know a lot of people find them very beneficial so I decided to establish my own.

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Description: A conference for writers and bloggers of any age and genre to connect, learn and cuddle—not wrestle—with the creative demons they have. The only prerequisite is a sense of humor and a willingness to walk down to the corner gas station to use the bathroom, as I like to keep my stuff clean.

Note: shoes come off at the door.

Ticket: Price includes unlimited sessions and access to my deck, but see above about bladder evacuation options.

Topics Covered: Everything from dealing with writer’s block to explaining to friends and family that your blog post/novel is not based on them (even though it probably is.)

Here are just a few of the courses offered:

Workspace Feng Shui

Writers know that everything has to be perfect when procrastinating waiting for inspiration to hit. Learn to prioritize these tasks, such as what size Post-Its to write your to-do list on, where that plant looks best, color organization of pens, snack drawer replenishment and paperclip sculpture and art.

Narcissism in the Age of the Internet

Attendees will be given the tools needed to make their tweets fake trophy-worthy, their Facebook updates ring with confidence/insecurity and their selfies flattering in the light of the bathroom. They will also be given tips on how to buy fans/followers and Photoshop their profile pictures to an almost unrecognizable image.

Advanced Blog and Book Skimming

Are you always a subhead and never a headline? That’s probably because you’re actually writing and not including viral graphics, lists or headlines such as, “You’re Doing Parenting Wrong!” or “What Celebrity Just Shit Their Pants?”

People like quick and easy things to read, so students will learn to make their dumbed down posts shine without the restraints of writing in complete sentences or proofreading. This session will conclude with a series of BuzzFeed quizzes to determine which pasta dish every attendee was in a past life.

Typo Trauma 101*

Play it off as funny? Run away and start a new life? Learn how to deal with the angst of finding a typo more than .5 seconds after something has been posted or published somewhere you can’t go back and edit.

*The support group will meet immediately after this session. Carbs will be provided.  

Rejection Rebound

Participants will learn to go from query and submission to dealing with the “nice no,” the “hell no” and the “what the hell do they know?” of rejection. Everyone is asked to print out and bring their rejection letters to use for decoupaging a complimentary flask as part of art therapy sessions. 

Conclusion: The conference will end with a couchgating hour—dress code is yoga pants or jeans—and an assortment of beverages essential for any successful writer, including but not limited to: water, tea, coffee, wine and a selection of liquor such as James and the Giant Peach Schnapps, Fifty Shades of Grey Goose and Tequila Mockingbird.

After which we will join in a circle, sing “Kumbaya” and lament how nobody “gets” us. It promises to be The Best Writing Conference Ever.

(T-shirts will be sold at the door.)

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34 responses to “The Best Writing Conference Ever!

  1. Sign me up, girl. I’d take your workshop. You’re definitely a writer with a blog, not a blogger attempting to write, which gives you far more cred than a buzzfeed author. I think I was fusilli in my past life; mostly because I just like the name.

    • Hmmm…I do enjoy saying “fusilli” as well. But I also like how ravioli are like tiny little pillows of deliciousness. However, if we’re being realistic, I’m probably uncooked thin spaghetti–straight up and down with no shape.

  2. I need Rejection Rebound! This post is priceless!

  3. Heck, I was all excited and immediately started researching travel options online, but then I realized that my ulcerative colitis would make the walk (actually, run) to the corner gas station a real chore (and provide unnecessary entertainment to the other attendees), so I’m afraid I have to decline your offer. But will you be offering the course on DVD? Perhaps I could handle that, if the price is right.

  4. Oh there it is, my giggle for the day.
    This is one conference I wouldn’t miss, live or on DVD. ;)

  5. I have never wanted to attend a conference so much in my entire life.

  6. Oh my gosh I wish this was real and feasible…I’d be on board in half a second

  7. Love. Please take my money.

  8. I’m in. But you need a bouncer for all the wanna-be-awesome-like-you newbies. ‘Cause they be droolin’. I BOUNCE btw. Small fee may apply.

  9. Il be there! Especially interested in Feng Shui’ing my post it note collection in relation to colour and harmony with bulldog clip stack and cork board of handy thought scribbles.. :)

  10. Typo trauma 101* whoops, did it again. Sometimes my fingers are faster than my brain. Had a lot Rejection Rebound too. Oh, I mean acid reflux. You know what I means!!!
    Leslie

  11. SNORT. this is THE conference to attend, no doubt. I can help moderate the Snack Drawer Replenishment course – beginners AND advanced. I also know a few people who could instruct on the Photo-shopping Your Selfies Into Unrecognizable Images… including total darkness and angled from above.

    seriously, though – I cannot stand public restrooms, and I would attend this conference in a New York Minute!

    • In your case, I’m willing to travel and bring it to you. The way you entertain and blog, I can imagine the success we would have! Plus, you know, food. And dogs. ;)

  12. Mines a size medium T shirt, tequila with salt & lime, & can I have my yoga mat near the window please. Are there any concessions in the registration fee? I would be willing to help with the washing up (thanks for asking – blue marigold gloves)

  13. I got a postcard in the mail for a creative nonfiction conference at the end of May. I kinda sorta want to go but then I kinda sorta just want to stay home in my pajamas. I like the sound of your conference.

  14. I need a ticket to this! I’ll take a double-session of Typo Trauma, because I already know I was cold spaghetti in a past life.

  15. You mean there are other pants besides the yoga type??? I think of them as my uniform…just sayin’…

    (Pssst…as always, love your posts!)

  16. Tequila Mockingbird! Hahaha! I love it.

  17. Thank you for the information. I am eager to attend this conference. I’m particularly interesting in the session on Type Traumas, although I’m afraid due to my own OCD issues, the gas station bathroom simply will not suffice. Perhaps we can come to some type of alternate arrangement. Also I would like to recommend we sing “Let’s Get This Party Started” as opposed to Kumbaya. Much more upbeat, don’t ya think? I appreciate your willingness to work with my, I’m sure typical, requests. I look forward to hearing from you on this topic.

  18. Please sign me up for the Rejection Session and I’ll put in a pre order for both a glass of Fifty Shades of Grey Goose and a Tequila Mockingbird- make it a double!

  19. I’m totally down to show up with a full blueprint of my house, complete with markings for current furniture placement. I hope to leave the meeting with at least three options for where my Bamboo Plant looks best. Great post!

  20. You had me at “cuddle” with creative demons. I NEED this workshop – definitely could use pointers on Twitter/FB fake trophies & such. And the advanced blogging & book skimming. I’ve had trouble dumbing down my posts for the internet. It’s something I know I have to work on.

  21. I was kidding. And I support you in your intelligent writing endeavors. I could never understand why ppl like lists. Lists are never actually funny and they just list stuff everyone already knows. But, alas, the masses love lists. I might have to try the “What Kind of Pasta are You,” though. That’s sound kinda interesting.

  22. Finally a realistic conference with useable stuff. And carbs afterwards!

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