A Cease and Desist Letter to the Easter Bunny

Hello Hare,

Thank you for taking time out of your mall appearance today—I know it’s a big time of year for you—but this really can’t wait any longer.

easter-bunnypost.jpg

It has been brought to our collective attention as an overly politically correct society on a mission to banish all fun that your existence is causing some, shall we say, “issues” I would like to address.

First of all, let’s talk about this egg situation.

I realize it’s tradition for children to color and look for these Easter eggs — henceforth to be known as “Spring Spheres” or “Ornamental Orbs”— but unless we know that these are free range, organic eggs produced from chickens given nothing but a diet of gold-dusted non-GMO corn and poultry pedicures, I’m afraid this practice will have to be stopped. We simply can’t have that danger around.

While a great alternative might have been plastic eggs, there is no way to guarantee that the plastic in those eggs would be 100 percent free of BPA and polycarbonate epoxy resins. As you can understand, that would pose an equally dangerous risk.

Speaking of the eggs—excuse me, Spring Spheres/Ornamental Orbs—can we talk a bit about marketing?

Now I realize that you do some TV work on the side and that the “Cadbury” commercial was your breakout performance, but it is perpetrating false ideals about the reproductive practices of mammals.

Despite what your cavity causing, sugar pushing Satan—a.k.a. Cadbury—might think is cute in a commercial, rabbits do not lay eggs. Chickens lay eggs. This spring celebration should not have to include a discussion on the sexual cycles of Peter Cottontail or a lesson on where bunnies come from.

Unless the commercial can be changed to directly reflect the egg being excreted from the chicken—it can even be wearing those fake bunny ears—it is doing much more harm than good. Perhaps you could see about recasting that part and find work off screen as a fluffer.

Sticking with the candy, I think it goes without saying that chocolate is no longer part of this holiday unless it is of the fair trade, organic, gluten and sugar-free variety. Jelly beans? I think not. This brazen bastardization of a “bean” is the greatest insult to the (organic, pesticide-free) vegetable community since French freedom fries.

And Peeps? Really? Marshmallow “chicks”—a term some women find offensive—made of colored dies and sugared spray foam insulation? That shit has to stop.

So to wrap this up, I would like to remind you that even though you’re no longer needed to celebrate this day of spring honoring a non-denominational higher power with non-confrontational new symbols of tradition, you still have options.

Look into teaming up with a magician and be pulled out of a hat, maybe check out Pinterest and see if there are any crafting trends you could sell your fur for, look into taking up “hip hop.” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist the clever reference, although I am not implying you dabble in that terribly offensive “gangsta rap.”)

All that we ask is that you eliminate yourself from this holiday and leave us to celebrate with empty baskets but open minds! If not, we’ll have your foot on a keychain in no time.

Sincerely,

An Overly Politically Correct Society on a Mission to Banish All Fun

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18 responses to “A Cease and Desist Letter to the Easter Bunny

  1. I like starting Sunday mornings with your blog because you make me laugh. I don’t even know how you come up with this stuff, but please don’t stop. I would love to make some witty reference to bunnies, specifically of the Easter kind, but it is Sunday morning, and I’m only halfway through my first cup of coffee.

  2. Reblogged this on The Joy of Health Nutrition and Beauty and commented:
    I <3 Abby's humour!

  3. “And Peeps? Really? Marshmallow “chicks”—a term some women find offensive—made of colored dies and sugared spray foam insulation? That shit has to stop.”

    My favorite Navy SEAL saying when two ‘Tadpoles” do something stupid:
    “Two Marsh-mellows hitting in mid-air” i.e. wimps.
    Love your stuff. Easter makes my teeth hurt, by the way.

  4. Reblogged this on Texan Tales & Hieroglyphics and commented:
    Happy Easter, Y’all.
    Hop on over to Abby Has Issues!
    You will laugh! I promise.

  5. Peeps, Cadbury eggs and a bunny who supposedly is able to deliver baskets of this crap in one night is what’s wrong with Easter. A nice spicy bloody mary is what’s right.

  6. Still prefer the chocolate. But I like the chocolate bunnies not the eggs. They have more chocolate (more body mass) than the eggs.
    Leslie

  7. Sugar free chocolate?!? *SLAP*

    HOW DARE YOU.

  8. LOL! Not too far from the truth! Instead of an Easter basket, just give them a regular basket. And fill it with fruits and vegetables, bottled water, and safe, educational toys.

  9. This is your best yet! So true! And I like the bloody mary comment above!

  10. BWAHHHH!
    This is funny. (and Peeps are made around the corner from where I live , so I have a “soft spot” for them. Please don’t hit me)

    I buy a chocolate cross and consider Easter and Me …even. ;)

  11. You think as I think. That’s always my opinion

  12. I fired the Easter Bunny this year. I felt a little terrible that his 400 bunny babies would go hungry around the holidays, but it had to be done.

  13. Hear-hear!!

    Banish the bunny!

    …. but leave the chocolate alone.

  14. So much of this rant read like the average person in Boulder, Colorado, that it made me howl.

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