Dear Abby

Between you and me, I would love to have a job that required me to write a humor and/or advice column every week, kind of like Carrie Bradshaw minus the fashion sense, sexual escapades and nicotine addiction.

dearabby

However, no one seems to want to pay me a salary — or anything at all — to do this because life is unfair and TV lies.

But I’m not giving up on the dream to offer unsolicited advice, and thanks to weirdos who Google strange things that lead to my blog, I can pretend that I’m the next generation of “Dear Abby.”

Along with random search terms such as “sugar-coated bullshit,” “rabid badger with a banana clip,” “somebody just sneezed in the living room and it was grandpa” and “I thought it was you but it was the wine,” I also get some questions in my spam folder that obviously need to be answered.

How do you tell if old people are addicted to bingo?

For your own safety—and that of geriatric gamers—it is very important to look for the signs of this affliction. Luckily, I have experience that I can share.

As I’ve stated before, these people have been through wars, marriages, children, Depressions and depressions. Now they no longer worry about recessions as much as they do if Gertrude next door stole the extra Nutter Butter from their snack tray.

My point? They’ve got nothing to lose and they play for keeps. Or rather, they play for candy, which along with popcorn is the geriatric equivalent of crack.

Signs of addiction include hoarding the Bingo chips/cards that have no inherent value, distracting opponents by faking physical ailments like “my oxygen tube is kinked!” sabotaging fellow players’ lucky charms—creepy Troll dolls, figurines, a favorite snot rag, etc. and mumbling things in what they claim to be “Binglish.”

Does sticking feathers up your butt make you a chicken?

First of all, you get points for the “Fight Club” reference, but those points are immediately deducted for taking this quote literally. In a metaphorical sense, it means that you shouldn’t try so hard to be something that you’re not. Not only is it a lot of work, you’ll probably look incredibly stupid in the process.

But in case you’re a freak, I’ll address the literal sense and say that sticking feathers up your butt will result in you looking like a pornographic peacock, not a chicken. If that’s how you roll, more power to you, but perhaps you should pick up a book now and then.

If I were a turkey, where would I be?

My guess would probably be that you would be on a farm, glad you’re not a chicken in the presence of the person who asked the question up above.

Is it bad if you go through a car wash with Vanilla Ice?

Interesting. I would say that if Ice offers to take you through a car wash, you shouldn’t turn down the offer. The car wash isn’t cheap unless you go through the $5 Happy Hour special, at which point I would ask Ice to also take you out for a drink and to include that footage in whatever low-ratings reality show he is gearing up to debut. Be sure to drop in my name.

Have the squirrels found you yet? You should run.

Do you know something I don’t? Crap. Perhaps I should take your advice.

Until next time, my friends!

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13 responses to “Dear Abby

  1. I laughed so hard at pornagraphic peacock that I woke up my cat. It’s cool though, because he was mostly snoring cat food breath in my face.

  2. This whole post is priceless. I really needed some laughter tonight, and you certainly provided it! (By the way, I had someone find my blog by searching, “Hello my name is Satan.” Say what?)

  3. All I get for interesting searches is “water handstands” and “her ankle injury” lately. These are way funnier!

  4. “They’ve got nothing to lose and they play for keeps. Or rather, they play for candy, which along with popcorn is the geriatric equivalent of crack.”

    Ah, old age. It is the time when you can finally drop responsibility and thoughts for the future, and live for the moment.

  5. Hahahaha this is awesome, I didn’t know old people were out there getting addicted to bingo, I better keep an eye on my Nan!

  6. Oh my goodness…I love you. You make me laugh and bring happiness into my life. Have a beautiful weekend my funny friend!! Priceless :)

  7. Weeping with laughter here. Damn! Some people get all the good spam.

  8. Haha, I almost died of laughter reading this.

  9. I laughed the entire way through this. Thank you.

  10. This made my morning. Too funny! Pornagraphic peacock sounds painful! But, I guess if someone’s sticking anything up there, they’re not worried about pain.

  11. Awesome blog site, too funny for real life. And I would know, my life is too real and not often funny. Which is why I search endlessly for laughter that is NOT in my own head. Loved it!! K

  12. This is so hilarious I just blew snot all over my keyboard!

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