See Ya Later, Sochi

For the last two weeks, the Olympics brought Americans together in confusion as to where half of those other countries are located.

Olympic-RingsIn case you missed any of the action, don’t worry! Now that they’re done, I’ve (slightly) recapped the past two weeks and will start by saying that if they banned crying and hugging, the whole thing would take a day, day and a half tops.

And that’s just from the announcers.

Anyway, I admit that most of my viewing consisted of hockey and whatever was on at the gym while I was in the cardio room, after which time I would be so inspired by the women’s ski jumping that I would trip getting off of the treadmill and receive a .5 deduction from the Russian judge.

There’s always 2018.

But that brings me to my first point: every Olympic event should include one average person competing, just for reference. Think about it. All the competitors did something to make it to the Olympic games that 99 percent of other people on the planet can’t do—like a triple axel on skates or speeding down an icy mountain at 80 mph.

Whenever I watch I always think, “Oh my, gosh! That was amazing!” right before the announcer says, “That was the worst performance I’ve ever seen in my life.”

It’s because I have nothing to compare it to.

Now if they threw some accountant on a snowboard and forced him to try and ride down a rail and an icy jump, that would provide me some perspective—and most likely an increased interest in watching the games.

At any rate, from what I gathered there was a judging controversy with the figure skating and ice dancing, but the only thing I know about those two events is that Johnny Weir commenting on ice dancing while looking prettier than most Russian women was like a giant middle finger to Vladimir Putin.

Gold.

In terms of hockey, it was quite disappointing, and the only real miracle on ice this Olympics was that they could fit the names of the Russian players on the back of their jerseys. Also, as TJ Oshie demonstrated, a quick way to get thousands of new Twitter followers is to score the winning goal in a shootout against Russia.

Why didn’t I think of that?

But now that the Olympics are done, you can look for the medal winners to appear in a commercial for Subway, McDonalds or Coca-Cola. These companies were sponsors of the Olympics, which is like Paris Hilton sponsoring a job fair, but America always gets the gold in ironic commercialism.

And as much as I enjoy the patriotic spirit of the Olympics, I have to admit that I’m glad people on skis with guns will now be replaced with new episodes of “Ellen” and “Modern Family.”

Plus, there are only two more years until the summer games, where much like in the winter games Swiffering becomes “curling,” ping-pong will suddenly become “table tennis.”

Let the games begin.

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27 responses to “See Ya Later, Sochi

  1. Yep, unless a skater falls down, I don’t really see the differences between them. And then when someone who falls does better than someone who doesn’t, I just give up because NOTHING makes sense!

  2. My TV fell ill over a month ago and I missed every moment of the Winter Olympics. Now I feel all caught up. Thank you!

  3. I love your idea of having an accountant compete in skiing or luge for comparison. Maybe they could get a lawyer to ski moguls?

  4. Laughing about Johnny Weir! This was good!

  5. “every Olympic event should include one average person competing” Brilliant. Network coverage LOVES injuries and this would be a golden ticket.

  6. I saw a meme yesterday that compared what Russia spend on the Olympics ($55 billion) to what it cost to send the Mars Rover up ($2 billion) and now I’m wondering what it would cost to send Paris Hilton to Mars.

  7. Hilarious, as always, Abby!

  8. I only really saw some of the snowboarding, and I didn’t understand much of the commentary. I watched a lot of the Olympics in the UK, so I’m probably spoiled

  9. My 12 year old son & I watched the ski shooting event and could not stop laughing at how over the top the announcers were! I never knew it could be so exciting!

  10. God that was funny! Skiing accountants, Johnny Weir and Vladimir Putin all in one article. Doesn’t get any better than that.

  11. I thoroughly enjoyed reading that. I was laughing out loud all by myself. I may not make it to the Olympics but I did twelve minutes of exercise with my wii u fit game. So take that ice dancers!

  12. you made the Games most interesting than they were..which is your TALENT!

    Hockey was big at our house, Gio was glued to hockey (men and women) , he knew more than any 6 old yr should about players, stats etc, but it was kind of cool to listen to him school my husband. ;)

  13. I laughed at Swiffering becomes “curling” perhaps I am still an Olympic hopeful after all.

  14. I watched the hockey….and that was it. I tried curling in my kitchen and fell.

  15. I didn’t find the hockey disappointing at all ;) Love your suggestion of including an average schmuck! I volunteer for luge.

  16. Abby that was so funny< Just wondering which event you would like to be "the average person" in?

  17. “But that brings me to my first point: every Olympic event should include one average person competing, just for reference.”

    Why has this not been done already? Why??? I would’ve watched every second if someone like me had been out there trying a Double Sow Cow.

  18. Yes! Now I totally want the Frame of Reference Olympics. Great idea!

  19. I’ve never understood Olympic Fever – I thought I had it once but it turned out to be something that could be curtailed at the clinic. I find it amusing how wrapped-up everyone gets watching Olympic events, but once they are over, no one in the country watches figure skating or curling – just try to start a conversation about a non-Olympic ski-shooting competition and watch how quickly the office has to get back to work. I did love your idea about putting the average Joe into the competitions – that could make me miss Parks & Rec and Modern Family a little less. Enjoyed your take on it!

  20. YES! Figure skating would be much more interesting if we had Joe Schmoe to compare it to. I would imagine that stuff is reallllly hard yet the judges act like they aren’t impressed with the human that just catapulted themself into the air while wearing knives on their feet. To me, everything they do should be a 10 because it’s all the same and it’s all really good.

    As a child I used to “figure skate” in socks in my kitchen. I understand how difficult a flying split in mid-air is! I just wish the judges did.

  21. Laura (Balprem Kaur) Kalinski

    How does Lolo Jones – Summer Olympics Track & Field no medaler get to be on the Women’s Bobsled team? How how about on the night of the Closing Ceremony the segment of the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan clubbed in the knee incident 20 years ago? Really? That’s the best NBC could do? Let’s move on from that because apparently Tonya and Nancy have…

  22. I didn’t watch one minute of the olympics this year. I don’t know why I just wasn’t interested all of a sudden. I just found your blog & I’m so glad I did. Hilarious. I just started my own, maybe some of you will like it!

    http://livinglikeleslie.wordpress.com

  23. Last time around, the Olympics was all about the “Ooooo’s” and “Ahhhh’s” and a “YES!” or two when Johnny skated oh-so-sublimely. (Sounds like a roll in the hay, now that I see it…) And then the “WTF?” when he ranked 6th. (I ended up reading Johnny’s bio and now “Get it.” ) This time around it was not only, as you said, a flip of the bird to Putin; it was also Johnny “stickin’ it to the man” of figure skating. His commentary and fashion were both flawless and he even helped Tara up her game, by giving her a fab headband!

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