A Girl Has to Have Standards

It was the moment when he reached down into the console of his truck, picked out a used golf tee and started using it as a toothpick that I learned a) to always keep floss in my purse and b) that even though it means that waking up with hummus in my hair is the closest to breakfast in bed that I get, I was meant to be single.

I would like to think I’ve given the alternative a pretty fair shake — I did the dating scene for a while with the traditional hits and misses — but this particular incident was simply the dirt-covered toothpick that broke this camel’s back.

Plus, I have high standards.

Growing up my crushes always fell into one of two categories—completely unattainable or attainable but not interesting after I attained them.

This wasn’t an issue early on because it’s not like I had that many options. It took me a long time to grow into my nose and grow out my spiral perms, and while I had friends, I wasn’t the “cute” girl in the group.

I was instead the one that was left over and relegated to holding the sweaty hands of the left over boy at the school roller skating parties while Boyz II Men’s “End of the Road” played in the background.

However, I wasn’t all that concerned with that scene, as I had much bigger plans.

I was a tomboy and decided early on that I was going to marry a professional athlete. The crush varied depending on the season, but it usually included me covering my walls with their posters and creating elaborate situations in my head in which I held down the fort at home while they traveled on the road for their games.

At no time did anything sexual enter these situations, as aside from putting my Barbies and G.I. Joe in compromising “mature” situations, those thoughts never crossed my mind.

It was simply an infatuation that ran from one player to the next before progressing into Sylvester Stallone through the “Rocky” years—all five films—and then any other action star or famous male with either an accent or a jersey.

I had more realistic crushes in school, of course.

This usually amounted to me reading into a Valentine (that they were required to give everyone in class) as a declaration of love, scribbling their name in my notebook and keeping a stash of assorted flavored Lip Smackers at the ready just in case.

In case of what? I didn’t know, but at least my lips would be strawberry fresh.

Naturally things changed once I got older and declared myself free of the sweaty-palmed rejects and delusions of nabbing a major league lover. As mentioned above, I did the dating thing and decided it wasn’t for me.

Now I’m sure Toothpick Boy was/is a fine companion for some germ-loving gal who doesn’t mind using dirty sports props to pick lettuce out of a molar, but I like my space. I like my freedom. I like knowing that dental procedures won’t be performed with dirt-covered plastic.

Of course, there might be exceptions.

I mean, Hot Gym Guy did say, “No thanks” when I offered to spot him as he was walking into the locker room, so there’s a chance that once the restraining order is lifted he might just give it a go!

But otherwise I’m happy just dating myself.

After all, I do have standards.

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34 responses to “A Girl Has to Have Standards

  1. Waking up with hummus in your hair…thanks for the early morning laugh! That is quite the visual!

  2. The part you wrote about covering the walls with posters and daydreaming about what being with them would be like….takes me back for sure! Mine was John Stamos and I was certain that if he just met me, he would know we were meant to be together forever! Many of my friends had bedrooms wallpapered in posters from various magazines too…Boy George, Simon Le Bon, Scott Baio….Thank you for that memory. I haven’t thought of that in years!

  3. A girl must have her standards.. whatever they are, she must own them!
    I love it…. :-)


  4. ” but I like my space. I like my freedom. I like knowing that dental procedures won’t be performed with dirt-covered plastic.”

    Amen to that, Abby.

    And if it makes you feel any better – I haven’t been on a date in almost 4 years. I just can’t be bothered with the dating scene AT ALL!

  5. Granted, by this point in my life I was supposed to be married to Taylor Hanson, but still. I would’ve been perfectly happy being single. If I hadn’t met my husband, I have no doubt I’d be happily staying in every night, reading, and drinking tea with the pug dog I still can’t sell my husband on.

  6. My loves were the “Man from UNCLE” posters. I still think that the dreaming of that far away and untouchable love, young girls have, is the best kind. Reality is soooooo much a let down.

  7. Nothing wrong with having standards. Never settle.

  8. I guess it could have been worse, he could have used a nine iron Abby. You keep your standards high. Julia Roberts kept floss in her, well somewhere, in Pretty Woman. Oral hygiene or lack there of is a deal breaker to many.

  9. Well I suppose on the bright side he cared enough not to want t o walk around with food stuck in his teeth. Ah standards those pesky little pests!

  10. I may have lucked out on the relationship thing (emphasis on LUCK) but I’ve resigned myself to a bff-less life. I’ll never be somebody’s “wingman” in a bar. I’ll never have a buddy who just calls to say, “hey” just because that’s what buddies do. I’ll never be dragged to some sporting event I couldn’t care less about because my homie scored two tickets & I was the first person he thought going with. Nope. My life shall forever remain devoid of bromance. I’m okay with that.

    • Yeah, I’m not so great with that either except I WISH I had a friend that would drag me to sporting events. But the fact you correctly used “couldn’t care less” instead of “could care less” reaffirms that Mrs. C truly lucked out ;)

    • This reminds me of that scene in When Harry Met Sally when they are commiserating over their failed dates and Sally describes the guy flossing with a strand of her hair at the table!

  11. In 8th grade I was going to marry Tug McGraw, relief pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies (and father of country singer Tim McGraw). Apparently Tug had other ideas. But I’ll always love him.

  12. I wish I had your convictions…I’ve turned ‘settling’ into an art form! Good post Abs!

  13. Loved it! You made me laugh. Yeah picking at your teeth with a golf tee probably isn’t the best way to impress women!

  14. I’m with you sister! There are plenty of great things about being single, like staying up and reading a good book as late as you want, hogging the whole bed, and not having to tolerate picking or grossness with any tool of any sort= yuck!

  15. Tracy on the Rocks makes a good point. As I am no longer single I miss the days of staying up as late as I want and not having to tolerate picking or grossness of any sort. I have to tolerate a LOT of grossness, and it wears on a person. As far as the tee for a toothpick goes, my husband never did that – not in my presence anyway – but I won’t put it past him. But as the very wise Steve Harvey (he has a day time talk show I catch at the gym) pointed out men are like rough clumps of clay you have to sculpt into something… tolerable. My husband is a very sweet person, but I’ve been chiseling on that lump for YEARS now & the work is still not complete. I’m also a firm believer in not settling. Far too many ppl get married for the sake of getting married & that is never a good idea. If you don’t think a man who picks his teeth with a golf tee is the one for you, then it’s time to move on.

  16. I think if Hot Gym Guy would read your Twitter timeline, he would understand how reasoned and together you are.

    I typed that with a straight face

    Not really

    A few more days till pitchers and catchers report

    • Or he would extend the restraining order. I typed that without sobbing. Not really. Kidding.

      And I love thinking about baseball, but right now it’s hard with 5 degree temps and 25 inches of snow on the ground. That’s not an exaggeration either. Sigh…

  17. You have to kiss a lot of frogs :)

  18. Is there an expiration date on restraining orders?

  19. I was married for nearly 10 years and have learned some things, namely that I much prefer being on my own. It’s totally a legit choice. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

  20. After dating what seemed like a bazillion ill-suited boys and men, I finally found one who cranked up the heat in his apartment, set up beach chairs in his living room, applied self-tanner so he looked like a 6’4″ carrot, and poured me a pina colada to die for… all because I was craving a little Hawaii in my Seattle winter. Now, 18 years and 4 little boys later, I sometimes wonder if perhaps I should’ve just taken myself on vacation.

  21. Standards are good. Never settle. Not to mention that being single (as I have for 19 years) gives you a lot of confidence in yourself. Probably too much confidence.

  22. I’ll just add to the “why I don’t date” with “ski pants.” It was our first date. He wore pants with an elastic waistband. I don’t think it’s fickle of me to say “date over.” (Note… we had not been skiing. We met for dinner. He had plenty of change to put on public pants.)

    (I linked to my blog post about it. Not to spam, but because you might want to read it? I struggled with tense in the writing. I apologize.)

  23. I could totally do single – so many up sides! Don’t tell my husband I said that, though, otherwise I *will* be single. If that happens, I hope you’d consider choosing me as your partner for the platonic “End Of The Road” slow skate, Abby. I only pick my teeth with my fingernails. Because I’m classy.

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