Stars! They’re Just Like Us!

Anyone who has “accidentally” flipped through an US Weekly magazine (as I did while waiting to get my hair did the other day) knows there is more important information on the back of a shampoo bottle than there is in that publication.

One of the most ridiculous things is the “Stars: They’re Just Like Us!” segment. For the uninitiated, this is where they feature photos of celebrities doing things like breathing, eating, drinking out of straws and carrying adopted children named after obscure fruits found in Ethiopian villages.

The captions of these paparazzi photos verify/explain the celebrity is breathing, eating, etc., since it would otherwise be unclear that this person is, in fact, a human doing shockingly mundane human things — just like us!

Lest you think I’m exaggerating, these are a few of the captions from that issue:

  • They Indulge in Fast Food!
  • They Strap on Shoes!
  • They Eat Off Others’ Plates!
  • They Use the ATM!
  • They Write Names in the Sand!
  • They Balance Cans!

I don’t know about you, but I would never have guessed that Jennifer Lawrence uses the ATM—just like me! Of course her balance is astronomically higher than mine, but still! She’s so normal!

To be fair, a lot of magazines make the assumption that we all live a charmed life. Food Network Magazine had a spotlight feature on a new cast member and her kitchen in the Hamptons.

She said, “People hear ‘the Hamptons’ and they think glitz and glamour, but it is really just farmland.” The article then goes on to suggest we pick up some of Katie’s finds for our own kitchen. Those include:

  • French Bistro stools $674
  • Rivera strop shade for a window $209
  • Natural-edged bowl hand-carved from a single log $564

I would, but I just won $2 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and am busy trying to decide if I want to take it in one lump sum or a dime for the next 20 years.

Anyway, I might actually take interest in these features if they included things I could relate to a little bit more.

Stars! They’re Just Like Us! They:

Light incense, forget they lit incense and then freak out when they smell smoke five minutes later!

Say, “There’s fungus among us!” while picking out mushrooms at the store!

Excel in “Procrastibaking”—baking instead of doing a bunch of more important things instead!

Get up 10 minutes early in the morning so they have that extra time to stare mindlessly at the wall as they shower!

Can go from “nothing sounds good” to “why isn’t there more of this to shove in my face?” in mere seconds!

Get terrified when putting back a shirt without folding it and then making eye contact with the store worker!

Beat the crap out of a black bean with their spatula when they thought it was a spider!

Spend more time picking out broccoli at the store than picking out the clothes that they wear!

Will practically break their arms before making two trips into the house with the groceries!

True, it might not be as glamorous as sharing that they “Pull Their Hair Back On the Go!” but you can’t tell me they’ve never stood up and had a chickpea fall out of their bra.

Now that’s a headline that I’d like to see.

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23 responses to “Stars! They’re Just Like Us!

  1. Abby, I love your issues! Really funny post!

  2. I might not be famous (although I’m a legend in my own mind – Coconut Joe ref?) but I def procrastibake and injure myself with grocery bags.

  3. I love that you have snark without bitterness. Your posts make me laugh!

  4. Ha ha! Very funny. I especially like the suggested purchases for the kitchen!

  5. And I hear many of those stars are bloggers just like us! Bet they get more than 2 views a day, too … (sorry, just got back from battling lunchtime traffic with other “just like us” people).

  6. I’d advise taking your lottery winnings in one lump sum.

  7. I spend an inordinate amount of time picking out vegetables and fruit. Because otherwise, gross.

    Also, I have tennis elbow which I think is from carrying all my bags at once.

    So, yeah, me and you and Meryl Streep? EXACTLY THE SAME.

  8. I’d settle for reports of a celebrity having a bad hair day while simultaneously realizing none of their shirts button as easily around the midsection as they did before Christmas.

  9. BAHAHAHAHA!! You had me at, “I would, but I just won $2 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and am busy trying to decide if I want to take it in one lump sum or a dime for the next 20 years,” but then that list! God, you’re funny.

  10. Yep. I’ve definitely lit incense then run around the house trying to find the source of the smoke! LOL!

    Abby, I am loving your writing! Thanks for making me smile!!

  11. Right on target (must be all the smashing the black beans out of mistaken identity) Thanks for the giggles

  12. Couldn’t have said it better! You’re writing is so unique and sarcastic, its hilarious to read! I love it!

  13. OMG I PROCRASTIBAKE ALL THE TIME! I didn’t know there was a name for it!!

  14. Wow, now I see celebrities are indeed stars. :) It’s very entertaining. Love this!
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  15. So true! Stars ain’t “just like us” until they’re JUST like us.

  16. Snort, snort…
    What d’you mean? Farm house don’t have Bistro stools? And French ones at that? I don’t live on farmland and I don’t have Bistro stools either. I want my money back.

    I’d like to see…
    “They take out the trash and the recycling….weekly.”
    “They stick the hand in the garbage disposal to find the source of the wonky noise and discover a spoon trapped in there.”
    “They clean up cat hairballs and vomit.”

  17. Pocrastibaking is definitely in my top ten list of things to do right now along with procrastiblogging and procrastilistmaking. Sometimes I take less time doing the thing I’m supposed to than I did making the list about how I’m going to do it. :)

  18. That’s funny. While still reading your post and getting through the list, all I could think about was that I’m sure they have far more money in the bank account for the ATM than I do! Glad you included that. :) The incense statement just topped it off.

  19. Oh, Abby!! You crack me the hell up! And I really needed to laugh. Thank you for this!

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