Go for the Gold

The winter Olympics are coming up, so I hope you’re ready to compete for national pride!

Well, maybe you’re not an Olympic athlete in the traditional sense, but I suggest we look into some new alternative events.  After all, anyone who has slipped on a fabric softener sheet and performed a double axle on the kitchen floor knows we’ve been training our lives for these moments.

“Slush Shopping Slalom”

In this event our amateur athletes at the grocery store get behind the wheels of a grocery cart and enter not a smooth and icy track like a bobsledder gets, but the slush-filled parking lot of the store.

Large amounts of stamina are required to make it to their car in less than 10 minutes. And while lower body strength is needed to propel the cart through the slush, upper body strength is necessary to try and steer the cart away from the direction the slush wants to go—most often into another parked car.

The athlete who clocks the quickest time from the automatic door of the store to their car without taking out any pedestrians is declared the wintery winner.

“Weather Update Biathlon”

While the biathlon usually includes cross country skiing with random stops to shoot things with a rifle, this event requires the athlete to check the weather report by running to the window to see if it’s started/stopped snowing yet, checking other sources of information—Internet, TV, radio—and then shooting off updates to anyone who will listen.

Competitors who can do this the most number of times in an hour will be annoying, but also declared the winner. Extra points are given for checking more than one source simultaneously.

“Digging the Car Out of the Snow Sprint”

In this event, the athlete is given a shovel, an ice scraper, a parked car and two feet of snow. The first team to get their car out of the driveway and get to work on time wins.

Using your arms to push the snow off the hood of the car and/or the automatic car starter for the front windshield is legal, as is using various forms of profanity. However, bribing the neighbor kid to help by stealing their sled is grounds for immediate disqualification.

Bonus points are given to the competitor who can open up the driver’s side door without any snow falling onto the driver’s side seat.

“Outdoor Freestyle Photography”

Here competitors are given a digital camera and 30 minutes to go outside and take pictures of how much snow has fallen, often using things like rulers stuck in the snow for comparison and captions like, “What happened to global warming?” and “Can you believe how much snow that we got?”

After the time is up, each athlete is required to submit their top images to the judges who will decide a winner based on technical merit, required elements, presentation and number of “likes” on Facebook.

“Refuse Relay”

Athletes are timed as they put on multiple layers of clothes and run from the warmth of their house to the trash bins stationed outside, deposit the bag of trash, wheel the bin down to the curb and then sprint back into the house, all before a) the trash collector comes and b) they freeze their ass off.

This event is usually frantically done in the early morning hours on the day of trash collection, and bonus style points are given to the competitor who can take off their winter boots without losing a sock in the process.


So as you can see, this will obviously require massive amounts of carb loading and couchgating on my end. Lucky for me, unlike skiing or luge—this is an activity I’ve been training for my whole life.

Go for the gold!

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22 responses to “Go for the Gold

  1. I’m tired just *reading* this – from all the laughing. Way funnier than the real Olympics!

  2. Great post Abby, but you forgot the “200 foot gravel driveway shovel” event. The winner being a combination of speed and a measurement of the least amount of gravel that ends up in the yard or flowerbeds.

  3. I am definitely seeing hefty competition going on in the Weather Update Biathalon today. Medal contention is going to be a close race! Too clever.

  4. Ha! We just tried the Digging the Car out of the Snow Sprint. It went fairly well, but considering the fact that it’s still snowing, we might need to get back out there and do another round. I never knew I could win a medal for this! I still haven’t figured out how to open my door without getting snow on the seat, though. I just have to deal with a soggy bum :(

  5. BITCH IT IS FREEZING. The only thing I’m doing is the Weather Update Biathalon. Which I do all the time anyway. But I’ll be wearing mittens today.

  6. Is it even possible to not get snow on your car seat? I’ve tried sweeping my car off with a broom first and I still always get some snow on the seat. Of course right now I probably have a nice mini snow drift on my seat since I left the window down last night…

    • I don’t think it is. I always brush the door frame off PURPOSELY to prevent this from happening, but yet every time I open the door…

  7. There should be extra points for digging out the car in zero degree (Fahrenheit) weather, when the wipers are frozen to the windshield, and the digger-outer is gimping around on a sore leg after nearly sliding off her own front porch. (Welcome to my neighborhood today – leg should improve over the weekend, just in time for next week’s SUB-ZERO digging out event.)

    • It sounds like you’re on my end of the country. Ugh. Hang in there! We’re supposed to get a “thaw” of 30 degrees by next Friday.

  8. I think making it back to your car from delivering the empty cart to the cart corral should be its own sport. At least when you have the cart you have something to hold on to. Without it, it’s a very slow, squishy, and dangerous walk.

  9. Sounds like a plan to me! These are sports I can get behind.

  10. I did the let the pet decathlon – let dog out, feed, him, let him back in – in under 5 minutes in bare feet and pajamas this morning. If I can get him to chew quicker and potty even quicker, I bet I can make it under 4:30 seconds by Sochi.

  11. Hilarious!!!

    I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about this type of weather.

  12. Oh. I’m so jealous! After all the ‘It’s going to be the worst (or best depending on your point of view) we haven’t seen a single snowflake in my part of Blighty. Mind you, when it does snow all gel will break out and the country will grind to a halt.

  13. I totally win the grocery store slushie cart push every time. My grrocery store is a small mom and pop place so the parking lot is super teeny, and while this gives me an unfair advantage, the French judge and myself give me a perfect 10.

  14. This is hilarious! I loved it. I’m a young blogger in college just starting out hoping to make a name for myself. If you feel like taking pity on my soul please check out my writing.

    soaboutyesterday.wordpress.com

  15. May I just say I love living in California. ;)

  16. Is it horrible that I don’t even look outside for the weather? I just check the internet?

    Nevermind. That’s horrible. I answered my own question.

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