‘Twas the Write Before Christmas

‘Twas the days before Christmas, and all through my place.

Not an idea was stirring to share on this space.

My stocking was hung by the chimney with care,

(Which meant there would be no more dusting right there.)

And then there was me, wearing what I wear best.

Yoga pants, sweatshirt, well you know the rest.

When out from the driveway, I heard something clatter,

And turned to the window to tend to the matter.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?

But a Lexus that made me ask, “Who the heck’s here?”

The lost-looking driver sped off in a fit,

And I knew those commercials were still full of shit.

Speaking of cars and a holiday ruse,

Those dressed up like reindeer that Santa might use?

The antlers on top and a red nose to boot,

Send mixed messages when drivers give the one-fingered salute.

“Freaking merge!” “Learn to park!” They all shout and they call!

‘Tis the season for road rage for those at the mall.

But back to the story of writing this post.

Even though all the readers are logged off, like most.

I thought I could write a more eloquent poem,

That centered on exploits from June, our old gnome.

But this year he’s tanked and refuses to eat,

Except numerous Vodka-filled candy cane treats.

I’m left on my own to come up with this stuff,

Something holiday-centered, sprinkled with fluff?

I had an idea of where things could be going,

In my head all the words just kept flowing and flowing.

But then in a twinkling, I heard in my head.

The prancing and pawing of something instead.

“Did I put back the Swiffer I used on the floors?

Of course I should check, and then clean out some drawers.

Perhaps now the shower could use a good scrub?

I’ll keep writing as soon as I clean out that tub.

And now the mirror’s streaky, so that gets cleaned, too.

What’s with my eyebrows? Let’s pluck one or two.”

My eyes looked quite tired, my hair still a mess.

My chest most resembling a flat iron press.

A shirt stained with hummus not hiding that stealth.

But I laughed when I saw it in spite of myself.

Then I remembered I wanted to bake,

There were cookies and candies I still had to make!

Once that was over, with treats wrapped up tight,

I had no more excuses to not sit and write.

“Okay, back to work.” I decided right then.

I resolved to see this post right through to the end.

But then laying the cursor aside of my lines,

I somehow clicked over to go back online.

To Facebook I sprang, and of course, then to Twitter.

As long as I’m there, e-mail too. (I’m no quitter.)

My train of thought suddenly derailed again,

I figured that yoga might help me feel Zen.


Down dog and pigeon and side planks galore,

I couldn’t help notice a string on the floor.

Out came the vacuum to suck up that stuff,

And at that point I figured enough was enough.

Clearly this poem wasn’t going that great,

A much better post would just have to then wait.

So I sighed and I shrugged and then turned on TV,

And crashed on the couch for a Food Network spree.

Now where was I going with this rambling spiel?

Oh yes, for you people I like a great deal:

May your holiday bring you much joy and delight,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Like the blog? Buy the books!

P.S. Have you joined the cult yet?

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21 responses to “‘Twas the Write Before Christmas

  1. Oh Abby, I loved this. Tears streaking down my face at the coffee shop. I kept seeing myself this morning as I took about ten extra minutes to get out of the house to “get one last little bit of stuff over here on the floor” before heading out – much to CJ’s dismay. Coffee is the only thing that can snap me out of it.

    Merry Christmas and thank you for your delightful poem!

  2. This is a masterpiece. Well done.

  3. OMG! Abby!!

    Best. Holiday. Blog. Post. EVER.

    Merry Christmas!

  4. You amaze me. Seriously, this is you distracted?! That’s incredible. I’d have two sentences and scratch the whole thing altogether. Actually I would have never thought to write it up to begin with. And, now I’m ending sentences with prepositional phrases and starting others with conjunctions. It has come to this.
    Happy Holidays my friend.

    • The fact that you’re aware of prepositional phrases and conjunctions puts you light years ahead of me (see drunk gnome and rambling poem as exhibits A and B.) But Happy Holidays to YOU my friend!

  5. Wonderful, just wonderful! I hope your season is very jolly indeed. Here’s a link that has added to my stash of jolly and joyful this silly season. I hope it adds to yours. xxxx

  6. HA! I loved this. I absolutely loathe Christmas, so this was perfect. Thanks for making my afternoon a lot better!

  7. I like your version MUCH better than the original! I’ve done all of the stuff you’re talking about, but I never once threw up the sash like that other one references. It’s lack of relatability sometimes makes me wonder if they’re making up the part about Santa, too. Merry Christmas, my friend!

  8. HAHAHAHAH…This is awesome!

  9. Super duper impressive! How long did it take you to write this though? Anything less than a day or 8 hours is considered professional for me. However, if you need overtime to get this done, then it’s not worth it. By the way, “Zen” and “again” don’t really rhyme, do they? Anyways. It’s not serious at all. Rhythm is missing, but that’s not the hardest part of it. It’s the wit and the naturalness that flows through the entire piece that makes it interesting. Two thumbs up!

    I know you probably can do much better, but it’s not worth your time, seriously. When I feel like writing poetry again, I will let you know. It’s one of my lowest priorities… Happy New Year!

  10. Can we be please be the best of friends? This poem is my life…

  11. This was funny I had fun reading it and it was much like my christmas day after opening gifts.

  12. Yep, I checked. The word “again” has two pronunciations, one of which rhymes with Zen. So, you are okay. In any case, I posted a poem at my blog in return, out of courtesy. It’s a bit too serious, but I am not in the mood to write funny ones. And when I do, they tend to be not quite so presentable. You can follow the link to the post here (http://simplyjet.wordpress.com/2013/12/27/canadian-winter/). I hope you miss it.

  13. Jackie at Vegan Yack Attack

    THIS! This has been the story of my life for the last week or so. Of course I’m most productive around the house when I have something else that’s important due. ha ha Happy New Year and thank you for the awesome poem!

  14. This is awesome!!! Nice work.

  15. That is a pretty great poem. I could never get things to rhyme like that.

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