A Humble Holiday Letter

Seasons Greetings!

Can you believe it’s already the holiday season again? This year’s perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself (check out my store on Etsy!) to tell you what we have been up to (in case you don’t follow my Top 100 mommy blog.)

The hubs got another promotion that we’re all just thrilled about. It means longer hours, but that’s okay seeing as we haven’t been sleeping in the same bed for the past few months, anyway. But we still see each other in our weekly therapy sessions—it’s so important to make time for a date night!

Earlier this year Alexander won the Local County Quiz Bowl for Gifted and Talented Blond Children, and he also volunteers to teach multiplication to less fortunate kids who have to shop at The Target and similar shops. We’re so proud that he gives back.

It’s been a little bit rougher with big sister Alexandra this year, but great news! She was finally paroled from juvenile detention last month. Although she remains on house arrest, having her at home has really helped us bond (no pun intended.)

Dr. Phil recommends doing activities together, so we’ve created several decorative adornments for the house tether she wears on her ankle. They’re really quite lovely!

Anywho, it snowed last week, so I got up early and made a sled with my trusty glue gun and old barn wood. While the glue set and the homemade bread was rising, I churned the butter, cured the bacon and squeezed the oranges for the 20 guests we had over for our annual 7-course brunch.

(Secret time! I didn’t have time to blow glass for new glasses and goblets, so I used the ones I had on hand.) 

The hubs was able to pull himself away from work, Alexander serenaded the guests on a violin he whittled himself and of course Alexandra wasn’t going anywhere, so it was really a delightful way to spend the afternoon. We were all just really tickled!

Well, I must run. I need to soak the herbs for my homemade deodorant before a mani/pedi with the gals. Busy, busy, busy!

We hope all is well on your end!

Happy Holidays!

Pollyanna


Dear Polly:

I’m writing this on the back of an old grocery list, so pay no attention to the tea and hummus stains. I just got home from a full day of work and am cleaning up cat puke again, but least the carpets get cleaned!

I haven’t received a promotion, but I did dream of work last night before going into the office this morning, so I suppose you could say I’m still living the dream! To be honest, I’m not that impressed.

Still no husband over here either, but a 93-year-old man at the old people’s home called me “Sir,” so it’s not like I don’t have options. Maybe I should pretty up my own feet, but it’s been so long since my last pedicure that the salon girl would probably recommend amputation instead. I just wear socks.

Sorry to here about the incident with Alexandra, but when life knocks you down to your knees, remember you’re in the perfect position to look under the couch for dropped snacks!

Speaking of which, the smoke alarm is going off, so that means my dinner is done.

Talk to you later! 

Abby

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18 responses to “A Humble Holiday Letter

  1. Your “living the dream” remark made me laugh out loud (at work – where I, too, am still living the dream…).

  2. Sign me up for your Christmas letter! It’s just my speed.

  3. First off I love the title of your Blog and am glad there are those of us out there that can admit to having “issues” LOL For three months now I have been unemployed from the corporate world and trying to find my own way – starting on Etsy. Life seems to be even more busier trying to do that, find a job, spend time with the kiddos and hubby etc. Humor certainly helps fight these depressing cold winter blues. So glad I found your blog. A real person with a sense of humor, sarcasm and complete chaos (which we probably do to ourselves) on a daily basis just like me – ha. Or is it just me thinking that unless you accomplish at least 75 things a day the world might end?? hmmm Looking forward to reading more. Have a great day.
    Becki

  4. haha! I’d love to get your letter in my mail!

  5. “of course Alexandra wasn’t going anywhere” – ha!

  6. Hilarious! Just wear socks is my new motto.

  7. At least the 93-year-old man has manners…..just saying

  8. I enjoyed this letter immensely, sir.

  9. Heres my christmas letter.Christmas 2013
    Hope you had a wonderful year. Ours was a blessed hell.
    It’s hard to know where to begin; so much has happen this year.
    Paul finally retired to fulfill his dream of being Rip Van Winkle.
    He has been lying around so much we were starting to light candles and throw dirt on top of him as we walked by.
    Sometimes old Billy-Bob would hold a mirror up under his nose, but I kept telling him to use the pillow first…
    And great news… Cousin Joey is back with us. He came home from prison in the middle of the night.. Joey keeps saying he is on the “down low”, but I told him sometimes we all get depress at one time or another.
    Had a large garage sale this year. Uncle Bob came to help.
    But once he cracked open a can.., it became more of selling “Beer Here”… Not sure if he kept with the garage sale theme..
    He just loves to go to family functions…the bottle/can returns he gathers up, keeps him in batteries for his metal detector…and now he doesn’t have to finance his tattoos. Him and Junior have a lifetime goal to some day own their very own fire works stand.
    And with the six pack of beer Uncle Bob brought over, Junior considers that, with the bug zapper some high quality entertainment…
    Junior is so feasted this year he keeps standing under the mistletoe and waits for cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
    Poor Billy-Bob has been looking so lonely lately. I suggested one of those on line dating sites…but he said he had a better idea.., Bought himself a nice used van…I don’t think its going to be a chick magnet with all that plastic he puts down in the back.
    And this past summer’s heat wasn’t so bad; we had a indoor pool for a while since the basement flooded from the creek…
    It was great if you didn’t mind the toilet paper sticking to you.
    We still have grandma since she past away, sitting in rocker in the basement; the smell finally doesn’t reach the second floor now.
    Grandpa had to taking up reading about taxidermy, poor thing he just can’t let her and her SS checks go.
    We did dress her up for the Halloween, and she looked real good as a zombie, some of the kids thought she look life like…
    And we don’t live where we did before; Paul read in the newspaper that most of accidents happen with in 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
    I don’t know the new address because the last family that lived here wanted to take the house numbers with them, so they could keep the same address,. So I let them.
    Got a new washing machine from the dump, I’m not quite sure about it though. I put a load of clothes in it and pull the chain. I haven’t seen them since.
    The oven broke down so cooking the turkey became Bubba’s job. He watched a TV show where you dig a fire pit and roast a pig. I think it would have worked if the neighbor’s dogs would not keep digging it back up. Poor Bubba he had to chase one of the dogs under the house before he finally caught him. It was still a good-looking bird minus the legs. But the barbeque spam on the grill was a hit!
    Bubba got his first deer this year. He had a great shot from inside of the house. He was sitting on the dumper at the time…It was a two flush shot….
    And last week, Bubba locked his keys in the car; we were really worried because it took him two hours to get himself and grandpa out.
    Oh and some sad news. Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some of the guys tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated… he burned for three days.
    And three of our friends went off a bridge in a old pick up truck that Butch was driving. He told us he was able to roll down the window and was able to swim to safety. His other two friends were in the back. They almost drown too because they couldn’t get the tail gait down.
    So this year celebrate with us…and keep your mother’s spit cup on the ironing board for her…
    Tis the season to drink straight and long from the bottle…
    Merry Christmas from Paul and Glenda.

    Christmas 2013
    Hope you had a wonderful year. Ours was a blessed hell.
    It’s hard to know where to begin; so much has happen this year.
    Paul finally retired to fulfill his dream of being Rip Van Winkle.
    He has been lying around so much we were starting to light candles and throw dirt on top of him as we walked by.
    Sometimes old Billy-Bob would hold a mirror up under his nose, but I kept telling him to use the pillow first…
    And great news… Cousin Joey is back with us. He came home from prison in the middle of the night.. Joey keeps saying he is on the “down low”, but I told him sometimes we all get depress at one time or another.
    Had a large garage sale this year. Uncle Bob came to help.
    But once he cracked open a can.., it became more of selling “Beer Here”… Not sure if he kept with the garage sale theme..
    He just loves to go to family functions…the bottle/can returns he gathers up, keeps him in batteries for his metal detector…and now he doesn’t have to finance his tattoos. Him and Junior have a lifetime goal to some day own their very own fire works stand.
    And with the six pack of beer Uncle Bob brought over, Junior considers that, with the bug zapper some high quality entertainment…
    Junior is so feasted this year he keeps standing under the mistletoe and waits for cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
    Poor Billy-Bob has been looking so lonely lately. I suggested one of those on line dating sites…but he said he had a better idea.., Bought himself a nice used van…I don’t think its going to be a chick magnet with all that plastic he puts down in the back.
    And this past summer’s heat wasn’t so bad; we had a indoor pool for a while since the basement flooded from the creek…
    It was great if you didn’t mind the toilet paper sticking to you.
    We still have grandma since she past away, sitting in rocker in the basement; the smell finally doesn’t reach the second floor now.
    Grandpa had to taking up reading about taxidermy, poor thing he just can’t let her and her SS checks go.
    We did dress her up for the Halloween, and she looked real good as a zombie, some of the kids thought she look life like…
    And we don’t live where we did before; Paul read in the newspaper that most of accidents happen with in 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
    I don’t know the new address because the last family that lived here wanted to take the house numbers with them, so they could keep the same address,. So I let them.
    Got a new washing machine from the dump, I’m not quite sure about it though. I put a load of clothes in it and pull the chain. I haven’t seen them since.
    The oven broke down so cooking the turkey became Bubba’s job. He watched a TV show where you dig a fire pit and roast a pig. I think it would have worked if the neighbor’s dogs would not keep digging it back up. Poor Bubba he had to chase one of the dogs under the house before he finally caught him. It was still a good-looking bird minus the legs. But the barbeque spam on the grill was a hit!
    Bubba got his first deer this year. He had a great shot from inside of the house. He was sitting on the dumper at the time…It was a two flush shot….
    And last week, Bubba locked his keys in the car; we were really worried because it took him two hours to get himself and grandpa out.
    Oh and some sad news. Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some of the guys tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated… he burned for three days.
    And three of our friends went off a bridge in a old pick up truck that Butch was driving. He told us he was able to roll down the window and was able to swim to safety. His other two friends were in the back. They almost drown too because they couldn’t get the tail gait down.
    So this year celebrate with us…and keep your mother’s spit cup on the ironing board for her…
    Tis the season to drink straight and long from the bottle. Merry Christmas, from Paul and Glenda

  10. I am DYING LAUGHING at your letter back!

    Thanks for making me laugh, loudly, today!

  11. I got halfway through this post with my “what the hell?” face on.

  12. Just found your blog. Mesmerized by your Gatsby photo—you look like a mannequin—in a good way—I just walked by Harrod’s Christmas windows and you remind me of the girls on the Orient Express. Wondering if you’re vegan/veggie because I’m thoroughly nosey. And so glad you donate profits to animals (I co-founded AdoptAPet.com). I’m enjoying perusing your posts.

    • First of all, thank you for the compliment on the five-year-old Photoshopped picture. It was me to start with and I still have the outfit–and asparagus–but I’m not exactly Daisy.

      Second, yes I am vegan! If you enjoy that, check out my “Veginem” post for craps and giggles.

      Finally, so cool you co-founded AdoptAPet. com! I’m going to have to go peruse your site…

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