More Headlines From My House

It’s been a few months since I’ve shared some headlines from my house, so I figured it was time for an update.

More Headlines From My House

Nemo Found. Dory Lost. Owners Banned from Owning More Pets

Evidence Suggests Hardest Part of Exercising in Morning for Most People is Not Telling Everyone They Worked Out in the Morning

Twitter Greatly Overestimates Woman’s Desire to Find New Friends

Driver Beeps Horn .03 seconds After Light Turns Green; Woman Shuts Off Car, Lies on Hood and Feeds Birds for an Hour

Motion Made to Rename Naps ‘Horizontal Life Pauses’

Personal Ad: The last two things I’ve spooned were a pillow and a jar of sunflower seed butter

Dora the Explorer to Explain How She Gets Shirt Over Her Giant Freak Head

Etiquette Tip: Use Phrase ‘Gender Reveal Party’ and not ‘Baby Sex Party’

Study Finds Only Thing Women Like More Than Target is Talking About Going to Target

College Graduate Observed Washing Lawn Gnome in Bird Bath; Neighbors Cease Questioning as to Single Status

Cantaloupes Resent Being Called ‘Just Negative Antelopes;’ Sue for Slander

Of Available Techniques for Safely Drinking Hot Tea, Waiting for it to Actually Cool Down Least Used

Woman, 32, Emotionally Unprepared When Last Bit of Food Eaten Without Realizing It

Poll: Bigger scam: Non-stick pans or no-scrub bathroom cleaner?

New Reality Show Created About Bored People Scrolling Meaningless Crap on Internet at Work Called ‘Relatable’

After Third Time Tripping Over Cat in Single Trip Across House, Owner Refuses to Fake Concern For Cat’s Wellbeing

Banana Pulled Off Bunch Feels ‘Ripped Viciously From Family’

Confirmed: Internet Connection Goes Out More Than I Do

Woman Turns on Oven. Hears Fire Truck in Background. Turns off oven. Reverts to Plan B

Editor Disappointed to Discover ‘Plastic Martini Glasses’ Drying in Office Bathroom are Actually Part of a Breast Pump

Most Underreported Form of Cyber Bullying Found to be Invitations to Play FarmVille on Facebook

After Reviewing Bank Statement, Writer Diagnosed with Earning Disability

Confirmed: No Good Way to Hurry Around Old Lady in Motorized Cart Without Looking Like You’re Racing Her

Creator of Pants Without Pockets Fails Performance Review

Broccoli Floret Fell Out of Shirt at Gym. Thinking of Becoming Motivational Speaker

Psychologists Conclude Burritos are “Just Shy Tacos with a Soft Side”

After Vacuuming, Couch Free of Cat Hair For Record 19 Seconds

‘Sense of Community’ Formed When Line of Cars Joins Up to Prevent Jerk from Cutting In at Front

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21 responses to “More Headlines From My House

  1. Hey, guess what . . . I’m planning to go to Target today after work. Just thought everyone would like to know that. I only need one thing . . .

  2. and there is my smile for the day. No one does headlines better than you Abby. :)

  3. I always love these. For some reason, I found the banana one particularly amusing today.

  4. Neighborhood Husband Hero endures a million exasperated eye rolls due to use of sexual innuendo on wife’s blog

  5. You need to step up your deetroy tigers cheering. The Sawx fans are obnoxious in my medias that social timeline. Tigers v Cards world serious please.

    hilarious per usual abs

  6. Hello! I’m loving your blog. The “Safely Drinking Hot Tea” headline is so relatable. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have a burnt tongue…
    Also love the “Internet Connection” one. Preach.

    http://sophpearl.wordpress.com/

  7. OMG! I love how your brain works!

    I love your blog. Makes me giggle every time I Read it

  8. I believe I suffer from the same Earning Disability.

  9. ‘Sense of Community’ Formed When Line of Cars Joins Up to Prevent Jerk from Cutting In at Front – YES THIS. just last week the guy behind me moved over to the shoulder to prevent the jerk from moving up – several of us were giving a thumbs up! it was a nice day and I had my sunroof open, I yelled “YEAH” and I really hope he heard me. one of my biggest pet peeves (besides spelling and grammar) is the selfish driver that thinks the rules are not for them.

    and the internet connection – our house is fine (knock, knock…), but the ‘smart’ phone I have? that title is a bit of a stretch…

    thanks for the smiles XXO

  10. You had me at ” Confirmed: No Good Way to Hurry Around Old Lady in Motorized Cart Without Looking Like You’re Racing Her.” Had a friend come to a similar conclusion (no good way to have an argument with a person in a wheelchair without looking like a jerk).

  11. I wish so hard that this was a real newspaper.

  12. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of your headline posts. Clearly I’ve been missing out. You witticism is too funny. Seriously, how are you not a famous comedian by now?

  13. Okay, these made my day. Specifically, this: “Driver Beeps Horn .03 seconds After Light Turns Green; Woman Shuts Off Car, Lies on Hood and Feeds Birds for an Hour”

  14. Abby, these are freaking hilarious!!

  15. Loved these headlines. Full of gems. Couch free of Cat hair.. he he he

  16. Serial Criminal Strikes Again: What Will She Leave for Us to Trip on Next?

  17. ‘Woman spits Sprite on keyboard at work after reading blogger’s line about computer connection going out more often than she does, attempts to sue for workers comp due to sticky fingers’ — in Headlines of Relatable Facts

  18. I am a fan of the voyeuristic hard taco :) Great headlines!

  19. Oh girl. These could almost all be mine…Pretty sure I’ve been diagnosed with Earning Disability too. LOL.

    Here’s some from my house:
    “Reading Blogs Until Noon Every Morning Directly Related to Lack of Clean Laundry, New Study Shows”

    “Housewife Finds Use for 1000 Pounds of Tomatoes in 6 Days!”

    “Get to That Last Volleyball Game!–A Study In Time Management for Working Parents”

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