The War on Wedgies

While I am a grown woman, I’m not “girly-girly” at all, and the description of my wardrobe and beauty regime can be summed up with “comfort” and “if I have to.”

But when you think about it, the things that women do in the name of beauty are rather ridiculous. Do men let strange women attack their face with hot wax? Do they stuff their legs into nylons like a sausage is stuffed in a casing? Do they glue fake eyelashes on their eyelids and stick multiple hoops through their ears?

OK, some of them do, but most of them don’t and neither do I.

I understand wanting to look nice and whatnot, but women just complicate things. Men don’t complicate things. While some women worry if pants make their ass look big, I highly doubt that men worry if a pair of jeans makes their penis look small.

But there’s no greater proof than the comfort chasm between the sexes when it comes down to underwear.

underwear-mishap

Not all underwear, of course, but the fancy crap.

I get that one is expected to own something a bit sexier than a six-pack of Hanes from Target and agree that everyone should have something small (or medium or large) they can wear that makes them feel good. Even if no one ever sees the contents of it in action, a little extra color or some leopard print design might be just what you need to get your proverbial panties out of a bunch some days.

But let’s be practical, people.

For the cost of one pair of those fancy underoos, you can purchase a dozen pair that you won’t have to try and discreetly pull out of your crotch by pretending to get something from the front of your jeans.

Don’t act like you haven’t done it.

For most men, (hopefully) clean is their favorite color of underwear and they would probably rather have you comfortable and happy instead of distracted by the thread creeping far up your ass.

So to summarize: What’s the point of wearing something uncomfortable that practically nobody else sees anyway? Okay, okay. In the interest of balance, I’ll play devil’s advocate.

Perhaps you are some sex maven that can do a triple back flip off your sex swing with perfect form, and wearing a $45 thong is necessary to complete your performance and dazzle the spontaneous suitors you entertain on a daily basis.

But for the majority of us who have retired the sex swing in favor of a Papasan chair, it just doesn’t make that much sense.

And I have to think that if by chance you are swept up in a spontaneous moment, your suitor most likely won’t care if you’re wearing a Victoria’s Secret four-color, invisible line lacy bikini bottom with magic unicorn dust or a Ziploc bag bedazzled with Puff Paint and scented magic markers.

Save the money and the stress of a wedgie-filled existence.

It’s truly what’s inside that counts.

Like the blog? Buy the NEW book here. Why? It has stories about drunk nuns, Vanilla Ice and adventures at the ATM. It’s obviously destined to be an American classic.

P.S. I’m nosy and have to think a couple of you are nosy, so I’m toying with doing an “Ask Abby Anything” post. If you have questions about anything—me, writing, picking up men in Home Depot—either email me or leave a comment on my Facebook page. If I actually have interest, I’ll use them in a future post that will probably embarrass me.

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47 responses to “The War on Wedgies

  1. It’s been my experience that by the time a man gets to see your underwear he just wants them off.

  2. disagree – i wear them for me, not for anyone else (but not wedgie inducing ones!)

    • More power to you! I didn’t mean to imply people only wore them for other people. I tried them (for myself) for awhile, but no go. ;)

  3. lol! This is so true. The only thing thongs are good for is not having panty lines. I like your writing style. You have a very strong voice!

  4. I am very open with removing wedgies, and if anyone ever looks shocked at me, I assume it is because they are simply jealous of my comfort.

  5. I was very much a “granny panties” girl. A friend told me that even though she’s completely single and has no prospects of a love life, it makes her feel nice to have sexy undies and bras. Then, when my hubby mentioned he wouldn’t mind seeing me in something a little sexier (wasn’t rude, just a comment) I decided to give it a try. They do make me feel good and so I have tons of panties to chose from because I buy comfy ones for me and sexy ones for him( and me lol) :)

    • I admit I have a drawer of “fancy” pants, so to speak, but they rarely see the light of day. When I want to feel special, I might put them on. But considering I usually just want to be comfortable–sports bra and Granny panties for the win!

      • My husband will always ask.. What Panties You Wearin’? I think it’s cute lol. I found that I really like the boy shorts and I don’t get such bad wedgies from them, so I wear them more than the granny panties. But there are times when those aren’t comfy either, so I revert back to the ole’ panties :)

  6. all of my expensive sexy ones (although nowhere near $45/pop) eventually morph into the gross period ones but unicorn dust sounds intriguing! very well said!

  7. I do a middle ground – cotton undies with a pattern. Anything silky and I’m slidin’ around all day, lacy and I feel caught in a spider’s web.

  8. My post scheduled for tomorrow is about how un-girly I am, too! But it’s a comparison of my daughter and me, so I left the underwear discussion out of it. Although, she is constantly picking wedgies even without Victoria’s help, so there’s that. :)

    I love it when my underwear matches my bra, but that’s less about sexiness and more about the fact that I only wear sports bras, and those mo-fos are comfortable.

    • I have to admit I like it when things match as well. There’s also a time and a place to feel “girly,” I suppose. While it’s all a confidence thing and it shouldn’t matter what we wear blah, blah, blah, it’s nice to know you’re occasionally sporting something more than a hoochie hammock ;)

  9. Oh, I have so many questions! You’re going to regret this! :D
    I admit I have a “thing” with pretty underwear and bras. I probably have enough to last me several months without doing the laundry (theory has never been tested.) It’s just funny to wear them under yoga pants or “running shorts” (which has been my uniform for the past few weeks – who knew they were so perfect for..not running!) Okay, since I’ve admitted to at least three fashion crimes, I’m done here.

  10. I worked at Victoria’s Secret for a summer in college, and they insisted the mannequins had to wear perfectly matching bras and panties. When I suggested they could simply be in complementary colors or patterns I was told, “If we don’t show women they should have matching sets, who will?” So all I can say is… You are welcome. ;)

  11. Editor-in-Chief: Carrie B

    I see both sides of this, but when it comes down to it, wearing something that feels like a burlap sack (lace) crammed up orifices that are designed to get itchy when irritated I drop a big, fat no. And I have been in relationships most of my adult life and agree with Vanessa that boys do just want them off. So yes, I have a drawer of the scratchy, special shit, but it doesn’t come out often.
    Love your writing so much!

  12. haha love this! My boyfriend can usually tell when I am running out of clean underwear…because only THEN do I break out the sexy stuff, ha! Usually it’s comfy all the way.

  13. It’s been my experience that men don’t care nearly as much about your underwear, as they do about getting it off as quickly as possible, but maybe I only date men who are lazy.

  14. Not sure if a man ought to risk a comment here, but I applaud the case made for comfort!!! Everyone, including me, will be far better mannered with it! Funny as the dickens and tastefully done to boot,Abby!!!

  15. I am so OVER “fancy” underwear and have been for years. I’ll stick with the six-pack of Hanes from Target.

  16. Carolyn Dekat

    I so love not being alone! Love your blog, Abby. Off to check out the new book now.

  17. Mike and I have the reverse relationship – he’s got all the fancy products and I’m the one in the sloppy tee shirt going “What? What’s wrong with this? What?”

  18. I was laughing at the title before I even read the post. I, too, am all about comfortable. I refuse to be defined by some other person’s definition of “pretty.”

  19. ROFLMAO!! OMG… It’s so TRUE, isn’t it? The things women do to get a man’s attention are beyond ridiculous. I mean, what’s the point, when the reality is that once those attentions are caught and held, all those efforts will stop anyway? LOLOLOL

  20. My friend wears them by choice. What a weirdo! ;) Personally, I’m just happy when my underpants fit!

  21. I have a few lacy foundation garments that I parade for the husband when we both need to be reminded of the wonderful place we are in that does not require lacy foundation garments- and for a serious laugh. Know THAT’S sexy!

  22. The first comment of this post by vanessa says it all.

    Do i made fun of Bobina’s one or two pair of “granny panties?”…of course. The same way she makes fun of my ratty pajama pants or twenty-year-old band t-shirts. But, for the most part, be comfortable, except for those special super sexy times then, use your imagination.

  23. I’m a fan of the boy shorts. White. Cotton. No wedge eating experience. And I believe they have a certain sex appeal. Plus they come cheap at Target in the multi pack… Yay me!

  24. You just leave my sex swing out of this! Ha, not really. While I can strut in heels, I’m not a fan of the thong. It’s never comfortable and I agree picking your ass all day is far worse than some cotton briefs.

    • Heels make me feel more feminine than sexy underwear, but it depends on the situation. I have a hard time walking in both of them, so I avoid them both. But combine them and I’m pretty sure the world would EXPLODE WITH SEXINESS. Or most likely, I would last three seconds before ripping them off and going barefoot in yoga pants. That’s more likely.

  25. The only place you’ll ever find thongs on me is my feet. I do not get the whole “butt floss” thing. A panty line never killed anyone. Yep. I’m a comfort gal, too.

  26. The most expensive pair of underwear I ever bought was nice maternity underwear, and it was well worth it. Those puppies are so accommodating I still can’t let them go, even though I haven’t been pregnant in quite a while. Team Comfort.

  27. Since I hate to do laundry, I’ve definitely a bulk owner of underwear. Let’s see, 4 scratchy overpriced pairs of panties that probably want to be hand washed by some handmaiden with appropriate reverance, or 2 dozen granny microfiber pairs that are happy to be agitated and reduce my own agitation levels. I’m good.

  28. SOMEONE SPENDS $45 ON UNDERWEAR?! What are you talking about?! If those people exist, then I’m sad.

    However, I will admit that I’ve been wearing the same underwear for about 6 years, and 2 weeks ago I bought all new ones. It’s glorious and I have no idea why I didn’t buy new ones sooner.

    And I splurged and got 3 for $24. I’m such a big spender.

    • So fancy! This is ANOTHER reason we would be friends. Our longest relationships are with our underwear and we love food and hate tedious people. Get your Granny panty butt here to Michigan.

  29. I find that they end up on inside out a lot. Not like I’m recycling them for double wear (gross… right? That’s gross, right? I’m not supposed to do that?) but because they’re so boring and nondescript I can’t even tell when they’re on inside out. Got busted at the waxer. Being a girl is hard.

  30. I’ll admit it because no-one else has yet. I go beyond just comfort and wander into the realms of total sloth. I wear men’s jocks. They come in 6 packs and cost almost nothing. They are as comfortable as hell. Sure they really only come in black and grey but then, I am not a white pants kind of girl. I am sure I have some sexy-ish undies in the back of the drawer somewhere but the moths could have eaten them for all the use they get. Crazy that women’s things are sexy and devoid of comfort and men’s are comfortable with no concern at all for fashion. Personally I am ‘go comfort’ all the way!

    • Well, that’s a new one. I don’t think I would ever resort to men’s underwear when they make comfortable cotton undies for women, but I say, whatever works for you!

  31. I agree with you Abby. I have for a long time believed that a lot of women’s fashions have nothing to do with comfort. Yes thankfully we males do not have anxiety issues about our jeans and the size of our penis’ (At least I don’t know any who do). But I do think we should always wear what is comfortable. I do which is why my kids often refer to me as a fashion dag!

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