I Love Not Camping

I originally published this a couple of years ago, but seeing as it’s almost “camping season” and no one’s on the Internet this weekend, it’s worth a rerun. Plus, there’s an announcement at the bottom. 

Spring has sprung, which means many people will be packing up to go camping in the coming weeks. I will not be one of them, as I do not camp.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the outdoors and worship the sun and nature. And while I’m not high-maintenance, I don’t find appeal in sleeping on the ground in a tent pretending I’m homeless.

But despite the tent aversion, I do have a bit of camping experience.

When I was younger we had a trailer up north that we spent a good deal of time at in the summer. It was a decent sized rig with a shower, small kitchen, deck, etc., but it was still a trailer.

I fished, shot my bow and arrow (not at anything living, at least not on purpose,) tore around on the 4-wheeler and hit the lake with the inflatable alligator before coming back to nighttime campfires, Cribbage games and attempts to attract bats by throwing random crap up in the air by the park lights.

Such a princess.

I was young, and other than the fact that I rolled out of the top bunk of triple bunk beds—a bed rail was quickly installed—I had no real complaints. Now that I’m older and debatably wiser, I would have many complaints, which is why I don’t even attempt to pretend to want to camp.

Why someone would want to leave indoor plumbing and decent food and increase the likelihood of contracting mosquito malaria, dirt-covered food and being attacked by a baby deer in the woods is beyond me.*

*Of course, to each their own (disclaimer so campers don’t get pissed, although if they’re camping, they shouldn’t have access to Wi-Fi.)

But for those who enjoy camping and would like to recreate this experience at home, I have a few suggestions:

  • Hang your clothes over a wood fire to get that signature smell, the one that will hopefully cover up the other signature smell of musty dampness.
  • While you’re over the fire, singe your eyelashes and grab a hot poker to recreate the experience of starting the fire and attempting to roast anything with a metal stick.
  • Scald the skin on the roof of your mouth in an attempt to eat whatever it is you were trying to roast that didn’t fall into the flame.
  • Hover—a lot—and get used to swatting bugs with one hand while wiping with the other. This takes skill, which is why you will most likely find yourself pissing on your own leg (hey, you wanted to go camping.)
  • Pour sand directly into the bottom of your bathing suit and any exposed crack or opening in your body. If a lake is nearby, also include seaweed.
  • If you feel like getting fancy, spray yourself with a water bottle to recreate the (lack of) water pressure trailer showers provide. Forget about washing your hair (this is actually a positive in my book.)
  • Plant families of the loudest bugs on the planet in your backyard directly next to your window. If available, add in the mating calls of mystery creatures you’re sure are rabid and hunting you down.
  • Roll your meals in damp dirt.
  • Roll your clothes in damp dirt.
  • Roll yourself in damp dirt.

So for those of you starting your camping season soon, may the force be with you. I plan on working in the yard a bit, reading and enjoying the luxury of warm showers, good food I didn’t have to catch and a few good baseball games.

I love not camping.

Announcement time:


So I wrote another book.

You should probably want to buy it, and the good news is you can! Exclamation point! Things got done sooner than I expected, so I’ll share the info Tuesday (along with a giveaway.)

Stay tuned!

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29 responses to “I Love Not Camping

  1. I have to go back and read about camping because I skipped to the bottom to see if your announcement was about your book – AND IT IS. w00T! :)

  2. The only camping I do involves one of those new fangeld contraptions called RV’s that come with their own ac’s, plumbing, kitchen, fridge and electricity.

    With one of those I can go anywhere and do anything!

    The only other way I would even consider camping at this age if it was on the beach in early summer, with lots of marshmallows, wine and other adult fun and NO KIDS anywhere in site or sound.

  3. The only camping I will endure is sleeping in a 5 star hotel with unlimited alcohol & room service.

    And WOOOOOOT I can’t wait to buy your new book!

    • Thanks! I don’t need a 5-star hotel, but I do need…well, at least a 4-star hotel. But mostly, just give me my bed (with unlimited alcohol and room service.)

  4. WOW! New book. People will be camped out for this

  5. What? Grandpa cutting slices of horse radish cheese for you with the same knife he used to dig under his nails a moment ago and clean a fish with the day before isn’t your idea of fun?

  6. yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! you wrote another book I’m looking forward to it.

    and yes there are some of us out here on the internet this weekend :)

  7. I love the cover of your new book. Congratulations!

    And camping. All I can say is, even with copious amounts of alcohol, I’m just too old for that shit.

  8. Congrats on the new book! And I can’t comment on the rest of the post because I’m a weirdo and love camping ;)


  10. I’ve never gone camping and I never want to. But congrats on the new book!

  11. I am totally with you on the camping thing. If God had wanted me to crap in the woods, he would have made me a bear. Good for you on the second book!

  12. Might I also add that you should freak out at every single sound and fear it’s a bear or a snake, or a bear snake….which is a horrible hybrid.

    I HATE camping.

    And I can’t believe you called it a rig!

  13. I also hate camping. Our ancestors invented the house for a reason. Why should we turn our backs on hundreds of years of innovation by sleeping outside? It would do our ancestors a disservice for discovering the benefits of beds, roofs and indoor plumbing.

  14. Oh man (not that I’m implying you’re a man, although I guess I kind of am, but I mean nothing by it), you and I have similar thoughts on camping. My parents would take the whole crew for a long weekend every year in the Fall and it encapsulated all the things you mentioned above. Nowadays, I don’t mind digging in the dirt (i.e. my flower beds and veggie patch) so long as a long hot high pressured shower follows by a good dirt free meal and a clean bed.
    Congrats on the second book.

  15. I love that picture of you!

    I used to go to summer camp every year so I’ve also had some good camping times but it’s not exactly something I’d motivate myself to do. Particularly now that the internet has been invented.

  16. Hahaha! Awesome. Sad thing is that I actually LIKE hotels, but my son has asked (horror), “Mom, when are we going camping?”

  17. OMG this post made me really really WANT to follow your blog.. I really love not camping too.. A LOT!
    PS I think I may love you a little bit, just for this alone.

  18. I. Cannot. Stand. Camping.
    Our “Shack” up north (1970s mobile home) is about as roughing it as I can get. And even sometimes then it’s too much for me.

    I need a private shower and my food made in a kitchen.

  19. Couldn’t agree more!! It is quite a favoured past time here in the Czech Republic to camp and sleep outside but I have to say there is nothing better than the soft warm comforting place I call bed! You did paint quite a picture with your article I have to say!! Very amusing… :o)

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