A Silver Lining

Do you have an extra hour?

If so, I invite you to watch me attempt to put a key on a keychain, an activity that can take a better part of my day, my fingers and my sanity.

I go into it with a positive attitude, convinced that this time I will be successful and adept at sliding the key smoothly into it’s new home. But alas, I end up vainly using random household objects—a butter knife, a pen cap, anything but my teeth (jewels, not tools, people)—to pry open the ring of death and successfully complete this seemingly simple task.

It’s exhausting, which is why I can never move from my house or buy another car, as adding this key on would be entirely more work than it’s worth.

However, every few months I am reminded that there is yet another task so similar in nature that I can’t help but feel they are somehow collaborating to highlight my domestic disabilities—changing the shower curtain liner.

This is a task that must be done on a regular basis, lest one plans on growing an assortment of invasive species in their shower. But like the keychain conundrum, it’s often complicated by a) the ridiculous metal rings that have to be opened and closed and b) the fact that I’m me.

showercurtain2

It starts with the purchase of the $5 vinyl liner from Target, simply because I’m fancy, and then the placement of the packaged liner on the counter for at least two weeks while I muster up the motivation to enter into this bathroom battle.

Once I feel sufficiently motivated and occasionally medicated, I pull out the scissors and cut down the old liner. This saves me the work of opening the ridiculously stubborn hooks for at least a few minutes more.

After the old liner is properly discarded though, the real work begins.

With an air of demented determination, I set out to pinch open the bastard hook things as fast as I can, trying to ward of the agonizingly painful feeling of having to hold up my arms for what feels like at least two or three hours.*

*about 10 minutes

Once the rings are all open and I regain the feeling in my separated shoulders and numb arms, I pat myself on the back—it’s good to recognize small victories—and begin hanging up the new liner.

This is a relatively easy part of the process, what with the rings already open, but it never fails that I step into the shower to hang the thing up and step in one random small droplet of water.

If there’s not a helpline for people who step in small droplets of water with clean socks on while changing the shower curtain liner, there needs to be.

Or I could just remember to take off my socks.

At any rate, once the new liner is hung and a second congratulatory break is taken, I set out to pinch shut the bastard hook things as fast as I can, trying to ward of the agonizingly painful feeling of having to hold up my arms for what feels like at least two or three hours.*

*about two or three minutes

When the last hook is snapped, I can exhale, change my socks and take comfort in the fact that I won’t have to do this again for at least a few months. Unless I did it wrong and missed a hook somewhere along the way, in which case I will cry and have an extra hook hanging around for a bit.

Then again, it’s one less hook left to close.

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36 responses to “A Silver Lining

  1. I am so glad you’re not a Hobbit.

  2. UGH I HATE DOING THAT TOO! I got new ones at my current apartment that just “hook” over the shower bar. I gather them up in a bunch and take them off together and put a new one on the floor in the living room. I highly recommend you get those kind.

  3. This post was an excellent way to begin my day. “simply because I’m fancy”, “bastard hook things”, and the whole socks/random drop of water bit really got me. I have slippers at the ready when I do this. I can’t stand the socks getting wet, but the bottom of my slippers does not bother me.

  4. Totally agree with Mayor Gia! I have the “open hook” concept where you just hang each little hook over the rod – no opening or closing of the hooks. Way easier! Something like this: http://bit.ly/SBgmw8

  5. It is a bitch of a job. I’m too short to do it, so I make Mr. Eva handle that task.

  6. I’ve been meaning to wash the outer layer of my shower curtain for about… oh… 6 months. However, I hate the damn rings. So it shall wait a bit longer.

  7. … did you know that you can wash that liner in the washing machine with 1 cup or bleach in hot water (yes even the plastic ones), volia all the soap & ICK is gone! Just hang the wet one on the pation or garage until it is dry… I replaced my shower curtain rod with a closet rod, the kind that pop into that collar part… then you can slid off the rod, all the rings, sit on the floor, unhook/or re-hook all the curtain rings and slid them onto the new rod that just pops in! No straddling the tub sides like a cat on the gutters, no slipping or wet feet. Maybe take an adventure to the bath & linen store and try out all the shower hook options … Have FUN!

  8. I hate those things, too. One tip about keychains, use a staple remover to pinch between the rings and hold it apart while you get the key on. Good luck!

  9. I hate those little things. Though now I’ve learned that there are open-ended hooks and you can wash the liner in the washing machine! Who knew?

  10. Key chains and shower curtains will be the death of me. I am certain of this.

  11. I think some evil person at the shower ring plant secretly welds those rings closed before shipping

  12. Started laughing over the keychain story, busting up over the shower curtain! Hubs works my keychain, and I use the open-ended shower hooks. Two less frustrations. :) Great post!

  13. GAAH I just did this too. after letting the liner lay on the guest bed for a week… it had to “breathe” you know.

    we recently had our first houseguest (YAY!), and that meant I needed to finish the upstairs guest bath – there is a tub/shower in there, but we have never used it in all the months we’ve lived here. so I bought a nice new curtain, that (lovely smelling!) plastic liner, and those very same hooks from hell. I chipped polish on every fingernail, and broke two of them while doing this.

    insanity. my one solace is that this guest bath probably won’t get used too much, so it should stay clean for quite a while.

  14. I totally empathize with you. It just boggles the mind that they are so impossible to figure out. At least I know I’m not the only one.

  15. Oh Abby. If you ever find the help line for drops of water and wet socks, I need it. Ewww! I have the open-ended hooks because of too many years of what you just explained. The only problem is that mine are a bit heavy and often fly off the rod when I’m changing the shower curtain. They clang around the bottom of the shower in a cacophony worse than a 6th grade band concert. Thank you so much for the laughs!

  16. I know what you mean about key rings. I think they are too focused on their relationship to locks,and therefore do anything they can to prevent you prising them open. I have suffered from their cunning myself. As to shower curtains, I have developed a reasonable “open-house” policy with germs, and don’t make too much fuss over them unless they start to play loud music in the middle of the night.

  17. You may just have to put in an entirely new bathroom with an enclosed shower that’s not part of a tub. Then, it’s just about getting the water stains off the shower door.

  18. I’m with you on this one. I have the same rings and once caught the side of my finger in it. I won’t go into the hysterics and imaginary emergency room visit theatrics but those things are dangerous.

  19. Your writing genius is in making the mundane not only interesting, but hysterical. Emma had it. Nora had it. And you have it. Very funny, my friend.

    And now I have to go check my shower curtain liner for crud. It never even occurred to me before. ;)

  20. Define “regular basis.” I tend to agree with you on the process… with the result that it happens, well, almost never. Occasionally there’s some Tilex sprayed?

    I recently had to cut a keyfob off my keychain because it was just going to be too much work to remove it the normal way.

  21. Getting back to the key dilemma (that doesn’t look like it’s spelled right, but toughshit) Anyway I just saw a picture of someone using a staple remover to hold the ring open and then the keys can slide right on. It’s like the jaws of life.

  22. Ahhhh! Cutting down the old liner is genius. Pure genius.

  23. Why is the sock water thing so horrible? I hate it so bad. Every time, I try to tell myself I am a grown up and I can ignore a droplet of water on my otherwise clean and comfortable socks. But I can’t!!!

  24. You’re too tall, and interesting, to be a Hobbit(t).

    You should see me put on a new toilet seat in our bathroom. It’s a five minute job for the rest of the population, an apocalyptic morality tale for me.

  25. As you know, I’m staying with my mom. Since moving in 6 months ago, the liner has become filthy. This post has inspired me to ride it out and then just buy her a new one when I move. Thank you.

  26. Stepping in the only water droplet – classic.

  27. Every time I look at my ugly curtain and the liner with 2 sets of rings (cuz last guy to live here put in a new set and never took the last set down and I’m not gonna wrestle that shit!) I remember how I JUST bought a NICE curtain with open hooks on either side, at the Ex’s house and felt it would be too nutty while I cleaned out every damn thing I bought from his place (everything else his mom had bought… ya I dated THAT guy) to take the shower curtain too… I still regret this action :(

  28. Oh Darling, get shower doors for the love of all that is worth having dry socks! lol

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