“There’s no cure for hot and cold.” -Trungpa Rinpoche
I’m someone who gets seriously twitchy when I hear people talk about how they have 564 unread emails in their inbox or a sink full of three-day old dishes. I feel the need to take care of these trivial things the second that they come up, and having them waiting in the wings—unattended—leaves me entirely too anxious.
Although this OCD urge can be annoying, it makes me feel better knowing it’s taken care of “just in case” something else should come up. I feel it’s one way I can (kind of ) control the unpredictable nature of things.
For the most part, these behaviors are harmless. But what about the things that I—or you—do that sometimes create the uncomfortable things that we try to escape?
Anything done to excess becomes a way to numb out discomfort. While for some it might be drinking, shopping, etc., it’s no secret that for me those behaviors are exercise, routine and isolation.
When I get uncomfortable with something, my instinct isn’t to sit back and evaluate why I want to escape, but rather to simply escape. Quickly. I associate these routines with relief, but the problem is it’s never enough. Once that high is gone, I’m dissatisfied again and it becomes harder to sit with the most fleeting feelings of discomfort.
In other words, it’s a temporary fix for a permanent predicament—that everything’s always in flux.
And although we all come from different situations with varying levels of stress and responsibility, what we struggle against in our lives can be acknowledged as ordinary experience. People and situations are unpredictable and so is everything else.
Everybody feels the pain of not getting what they want or getting what they don’t want, and most of the time it’s not because we suck and just can’t get things right. It’s life, and we’re not the only ones who can’t keep it all together. It’s just that certain people have adopted flexibility instead of frustration.
It might not seem like it through some of my rants, but I’m getting better at this.
While I walk a very fine line between letting go of attachment and complete depressive disinterest, I’ve found that releasing myself from attachment to certain things has actually been freeing.
I don’t need much to be content, and when I take myself or others too seriously—and justify being annoyed with everything to the point that it makes me unhappy—it limits me to a narrow world of likes and dislikes and boredom. And trust me, I’ve lived there too long.
Changing behaviors that have become instinctual and comfortable — even addictive — feels completely counterintuitive to contentment. I still have those things that I do to stay “safe” and escape and I still lose my shit when my routine gets thrown out of whack.
But another version of reality will always come up and when my ideas about who I am and who others are is fixed and cemented, it keeps me from accepting this change. It creates the frustration I try to escape and the cycle of self-abuse continues.
So no, and there’s no cure for hot and cold.
But we can sit with things a bit instead of rushing to change them. We can accept flexibility instead of frustration. We can be open to what each day bring—unless that day brings a sink full of three-day old dishes.
You can bet that those suckers are clean.
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I’m a huge fan of moderation – on everyone else on this planey but me. I’m a hold and cold person. My wife and three daughters deserve gold medals, induction into theRock n Roll Hall of Fame, and whatever Nobel Prize they desire for putting up with my anxiousness, robot like lack of emotion and empathy, and OCD behavior considering chores, writing, and well, everything.
At least I’m clean and I get crap done.
“I’m a huge fan of moderation – on everyone else on this planet but me.”
Ha. Truer words have never been spoken. I guess I’m okay at moderation, but not with impulse control with some things. I see an email, I reply to it. I feel discomfort, I try and make it go away five minutes ago. Sitting with it sucks, and while it’s easy to tell others to moderate their excess and all that, it’s hard to put into practice. But as you know, it’s necessary and a daily reminder that we have control of these things, even when it feels out of control.
I’m a self abuser also and while I don’t have OCD, I do isolate myself when I get depressed. (Which is often, but becoming less often.) I’m just so f*&^%$g good at tearing myself down and feeling like crap why the hell would I want to give it up completely? So I back slide a lot, going into old behaviors that imprision me in my insecurities. Then I start all over the next day and maybe I do one thing better. Maybe I don’t. But, I’m learning to forgive myself. And that’s f(*&^%g huge.
That IS huge and nothing to be discounted. I think it’s so much easier to forgive other people and then justify what we do to ourselves as no big deal, when in reality, maybe it should be the other way around. We deserve the forgiveness, and doing one small thing towards that goal is so important. I hope today you can take that small step.
I have to confess I’m not that much of a “soul searcher.” Maybe I’m in denial?
Nah. I don’t think it has anything to do with soul searching as much as it has to do with accepting what life throws your way. You’re pretty darn good at that, no?
Abby this is very timely for me. I’ve been tanking into intolerance (of the anxiety) this week/weekend very badly. I am fully aware of it. I simply “feel” that I can’t tolerate sitting in it. In the past, I’ve let this cycle continue, but I’m determined to get back on the “horse” with a (hopefully) less strenuous and scattered schedule this week. Thank you for this post. I haven’t been reading lately, (sorry friend) but for some reason clicked to open this one, and its obvious why. Miss you.
I know you get it. It’s not about doing the dishes, but rather doing the right thing for the right reasons. Feel free to email me at any time.
Just found you through a tweet. I’m a (seashell) hoarder with OCD tendencies. What that means is that I have a zillion seashells but they are nicely organized and regularly dusted, which means I am admittedly totally craycray but the producers won’t call me for “Hoarders” ‘cos I don’t have crap piled up to the ceiling! Great post, now I have to scrub tile grout with a toothbrush.
I am so with you on this. I always call my house the safe zone because it’s the only environment I am in complete control over. I have finally gotten to the point where I can leave dishes in the sink overnight. Of course, I can’t even have coffee in the morning until I’ve washed them but to me, it is a HUGE step.
I will always choose to stay home over going out. There is nothing so exciting that I will benefit from having attended. I’m single by choice. I don’t have many friends, by choice & by circumstance. I still live at home, not by choice. I’d love nothing more than to have my own apartment where I can do things my way: eat what I want, watch what I want, read what I want, etc. Choosing the solitary life wasn’t easy, but I find that I’m much happier than when I felt a ton of pressure to be social. I was plenty social in college, when it counted for something. But now, at 30, I don’t need to impress anyone or make people be friends with me. I am who I am and that’s not going to change anytime soon.
I was at my most obsessed stages when I was a teenager, up until my early 20s. I have settled down some more now, but it’s still hard to silence the voices that want you to do more. Living with my husband helps. I am already freaking out a bit with the idea of pregnancy. The idea of gaining that much weight and looking so round is scary for me, but hopefully I can work on moderating my views before then.
Thanks Abby. I’m like you in minor waves. Like right now. My kid just pissed me off so I left the room even though I was watching the football game and now can’t. How trivial is that? I’m going to sit and sulk for a bit and then maybe go back and catch the rest later. I’m definitely a cut and run gal. Anger, embarrassment, stress all cause me to flee.
I understand that feeling too.
I freak out if I have more than 10 emails waiting for me or 3 dishes in the sink.
I don’t sit still that much.
I’m with you. There is NO WAY I could allow that many emails OR dishes to pile up. No way. No how.
Anything done to excess becomes a way to numb out discomfort. While for some it might be drinking, shopping, etc., it’s no secret that for me those behaviors are exercise, routine and isolation.
Mine are cleaning, routine & isolation. So I can TOTALLY relate.
you sound like me. unread emails, a full google reader, and sink full of dishes? I might start sweating bullets. Yes those things “annoy” me, but the bigger question is why do I (we) let it. We cannot control everything, even though it feels like we need to. Excess control leads to excess isolation and release via exercise, amen? Working on it!! hugs,
I am slowly allowing the dishes to stack up in the sink, and my inbox to overflow with un-categorised emails. I don’t quite know why I ‘allow’ it, as it actually goes against the grain. I guess I like to stick the middle finger up at my minor OCD tendencies and need for structure and tidiness, in an attempt to somehow teach myself to also adopt this attitude in other, more serious, areas of my life – the areas that actually cause my anxiety levels to rocket and my tendency to hide and become reclusive.
I feel like I am always fighting with both my inner hippy girl and inner soldier. I SO want to be free and easy, to stay out late, even though I won’t get enough sleep, to throw caution to the wind and do things that scare me, that catapult me wayyyyy out of my comfort zone, and yet the soldier often takes charge and I bow to his command. For several months now, I have been ignoring the soldier, no matter how loud he shouts, and have welcomed the hippy girl with open arms, letting her guide me through life.
For the first time in my life, I feel really happy, and yet wildly out of control
Exactly. It’s not about the emails or the dishes or whatever though. It’s about the intention behind them. I know I use my “crutches” to escape and avoid sitting with uncomfortable things. It’s a matter of just being aware
I have found that continually getting yourself out of your comfort zone even if it’s in a very tiny way helps. You’ve got to get comfortable with the discomfort. I wish it was easier than that but I don’t think it is. And, sometimes it’s about getting out of your own head. I’m constantly working on that one.
I so struggle with this too. But you’re right, it’s all about being aware and then you can start to deal with it. But I have to go because I just got a new email and if I don’t check it right away the room will explode.
As always we seem to be on the same wavelength. Although, I can have dirty dishes in the sink for days. But, I hate them and they stress me out even if I don’t clean them. I need to gain the unaffected aspect of not having something done.
My brain is pudding right now, but despite my relative lurker silence, I have been reading and rooting for you behind the scenes. I’m convinced that at least 62% of my problems are somehow related to my inability to NOT um, *live* basically in extremes (ugh, excuse the double negative, I can haz talky helpz? I told you, pudding brains). Thank you for this – so timely for me, in so many ways, and I’m clearly not the only one. I hope just the number of, “me too!”s here brings you some comfort and encouragement. And since I can’t be there and do it for you, don’t forget to keep patting yourself on the back for the small vitories along the way. Baby-step, toe-in-water vibes to you, lovely – folks with brains instead of hamster wheels underestimate the energy dedicated to feeding the beast.
Abby, that is some wisdom that life teaches you and I guess if you aren’t too stubborn, you learn to deal with the tumult of life much better. Thanks for sharing.
The other day, when I was at my mandolin lesson, my teacher showed me his phone. He wanted me to see a drum machine app but all I saw was the little red dot indicated he had 54 UNREAD EMAILS.
“OMG YOU HAVE 54 UNREAD EMAILS!” I screeched.
He looked at me a little strangely. My fingers were twitching for the rest of the lesson. You and you alone know I’m not kidding.
But I’m okay now. So I’ve let it go. It just takes a little time, okay?
I’m working on flexibility. It’s been mandated in some areas as of late. And I think that makes me a little less comfortable with the idea while simultaneously making me engage in it. Maybe it’s the only way I can personally make progress in that area.
Yet another way you and I are so much alike! This: ” I associate these routines with relief, but the problem is it’s never enough. Once that high is gone, I’m dissatisfied again and it becomes harder to sit with the most fleeting feelings of discomfort.” is so me too. And I’m all or nothing which makes it even harder…