Holy Sheet

We all have certain chores that we don’t mind doing. Some people prefer washing dishes over vacuuming or taking out the trash over dusting the shelves. If you have more than one person at home, these tasks can be split up accordingly.

But when you live alone—or with a cat who still hasn’t pulled her own weight—all of these tasks fall to you. And aside from ironing, I have to say one thing I find extremely tedious is changing the sheets on my bed.

Let’s examine the process.

It starts with simply ripping off the covers and throwing the pillows and blankets in a heap on the floor with dramatic flair—and about 1/100th of the time it will take me to remake the bed.

It’s at this point I realize there’s no turning back and  swallow a small lump of panic. With the old sheets in the basket and the new sheets still folded in a pile, I am now committed to following through with the process if I want to sleep on sheets ever again.

Ever again!

Exhausted by the thought, I take the sheets from the shelf and let them rest on the bed for a bit while I rest for a bit on my own.

sheet3

I will usually get (intentionally) distracted by something more interesting like watching the squirrels and cursing Disney movies for leaving me so disillusioned about small woodland creatures and their willingness to help me with chores.

But I steel myself up and return to my task, plowing through the bottom sheet and two pillows and fighting with the corners of death.

sheet4b

You know what I’m talking about.

The only thing harder than fitting the elastic-ish corners of the bottom sheet across each of the four ends of the mattress without one popping off every time is actually folding the bottom sheet when it comes out of the dryer.

Tedious.

Enter a quick break to test out the sheets and pillows, at which point I stare at the ceiling and decide I should probably wipe off the ceiling fan at that exact minute.

About 20 minutes later I continue on with my journey of placing the top sheet on with equal amounts of sheet on either side of the bed.

sheet5b

But no matter how hard I try, I end up walking back multiple times to pull the sheet a little bit more on one side before tucking it under the mattress.

If it’s too short on one side, I end up pulling the whole thing out when I get into bed. If I pull it too far up the front, my feet will poke out of the bottom and there’s a good chance I’ll wake up with the excess sheet wrapped around my head and panic that the cat’s trying to smother me.

Yup, still single, people.

Anyway, once sheet side distribution is complete, I triumphantly throw on the blanket with the flair of a matador waving his flag. After ensuring equal blanket distribution—see sheet step above—the task is finally complete a mere 45 minutes or so later.

sheet6

Holy sheet.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it, but at least now the bed will have sheets.

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40 responses to “Holy Sheet

  1. Haha. You summed up all of my feelings about bed making. The process is terrible. 99-percent of time, I take the sheets off and then get so lazy that I just throw the comforter on top of the bed, lay on that, and scrounge up a random, threadbare blanket for warmth. I also use my “hand spoon” aka my fingers in a claw shape to spread peanut butter and jelly on sandwiches in an effort to avoid doing dishes. Also, when it comes to chores, my cat doesn’t do shit either! It’s a’paw’lling.

  2. OMG you’re giving me bed-making PTSD nightmares!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. As I was reading this, I said to myself “This girl just gets me.” Abby, you have my bedding cleaning routine nailed down 98%. As soon as I’ve ripped everything off the bed, I have that feeling of dread, and I’m thinking to myself “Oh shit, this is really happening!” Then I completely forget about putting it back on the bed until it is time to go to bed. At this point, there is about 5 minutes of staring at my bed, wondering how much it would suck if I just slept on the mattress, no covers on the pillows or the duvet. Then I look at my dog who is a black hair shedding machine and realize that it’s not an option. So then I act like a five year old, throwing a temper tantrum, as I try to perfectly make the bed so I can crawl in and mess it up. Where is the husband? Conveniently in the bathroom for 15 minutes. And the black hair shedding machine? No help at all.

  4. Brianna Soloski

    That’s the beauty of having a twin bed. I’m in and out in five minutes.

  5. I’ll make your bed if you take my car to get gas. it is the one thing I feel is such an inconvenience (totally do NOT know why), and I always wait until the last possible drop of gas – when the light goes on, I reset the trip meter, then drive another 25 miles or so.

    I LOVE fresh sheets, so making a new bed is kind of exciting for me. the only thing that hinders the process is Basil – he gets up there right in the middle – wanting to help, I suppose.

  6. I have two sets of bunk beds for my 4 kids and I effing HATE changing their sheets. Which is clearly why it doesn’t get done very often.

  7. Ughhh what a paaaaaaain! I hate corners.

  8. I have a king size bed and hate changing it with a passion!

  9. Who the fuck changes their sheets? Ever? Oh wait, maybe that explains why mine are gray.

  10. I hate folding fitted sheets, they are evil, evil I tell ya!

  11. Don’t dare throw – or accidentally drop – anything on the floor…cat hair tumbleweeds. Cat hair must be barbed or something – impossible to get it off.
    Thinking sleeping bags?

  12. The reason I only have one set of sheets is because then I never have to fold that evil un-foldable fitted sheet. Unfortunately, tht turns the process into a day-long affair and that just kills my weekend.

    Oh, and? I have slanted ceilings, so at the end of the godforsaken chore, I slam my head/face into the wall while walking to the corner of death. Every.single.time.

  13. well I hate folding sheets? Does that count? ;)

    I actually love changing the sheets on my beds, I have since I was a little girl. The anticipation of getting in that bed with clean, fresh, comfy sheets on it makes the whole process enjoyable to me.

    but I do hate folding a fitted sheet, I feel like such a failure when I try. ;)

  14. The last time I changed the bed covers, I somehow managed to trap the cat between the bottom sheet and the mattress. She ran from corner to corner, but couldn’t get out.

    I stood back and laughed.

  15. Ha! I generally leave bed making to Mike. He’s SO particular about folding back the sheet at the top, tucking in the bottoms. HE CAN EVEN FOLD FITTED SHEETS. He’s like a freak of nature. Him and my mom. That gene skipped a generation in me.

  16. See, this is one of those things that I don’t really mind. I have to do it every week, as it is MY chore, so I just do it. The quicker I do it, the quicker I can go futz around with something wholey unproductive. It takes me a full 5-10 minutes to do it, all told. And we have 6 pillows. You might just say that I’m pretty much a pro at it. It’s ok, you can say it. Go ahead . . . I’ll wait.

  17. I’m totally with you on this one… but I’ve managed to save a step (sort of) by embracing the German side of my hubby and ditching all top sheets in the house. Instead, we all have duvets. Granted, it’s kind of a pain in the ass to put the clean covers on them, but at least I don’t have to deal with aligning the top sheet anymore. :-)

  18. I don’t have the 2nd set of sheets. So when I decide to change them, I have to also consult with my roommate that I’ll have access to the washing machine.

    Then, what happens more often than not, it’s 9:45 and I go “Oh shit. I still have to pull the laundry out of the dryer and make the bed before I want to go to bed in like… oh wait… now.”

  19. Looks like the haters outweigh the nonhaters. I have made my life easier by ditching all the top sheets in the house and using duvets on the beds instead. Granted, putting the covers back on them can be a pain in the ass, but at least I don’t have to deal with aligning the top sheets any more!

  20. Abby, this is hilarious because I also spend an excessive amount of time changing the sheets and making my bed. It’s total torture.

  21. Ah, yes. My clean sheets normally spend three or four (or twelve) hours sitting on top of the naked bed waiting for me to muster the will to come back and deal with them after stripping the bed. I feel your pain!

  22. Too funny! I say to the dogs all the time that they should be cleaning the house while I’m gone. My husband thinks we should put little Swiffer pads on the dogs feet. Yeah, that will last all of 2 seconds. But, just think if it worked.

  23. I effing hate changing the sheets. HATE IT. Worst part for me is always attempting to put the sheets on with the short side of the sheets over the long part of the bed. Like trying to fit a square into a circle. Takes me about five minutes of pulling and wondering why I can’t get the sheets to fit on the bed to realize I have it backwards. This happens only EVERY. TIME.

  24. My pets add to the fun with the cat jumping around from one corner to another like a spaz, especially when I put the flat sheet on, while the dog rolls around on the dirty sheets in the corner.

  25. I’m glad you mentioned the cat. I’ve spent a lot of time training animals to help with the housework. To date, none of it has worked but I rfemain cheerfully optimistic that this groundbreaking project will produce rewards in the long run. In the meantime I have adopted the alternative strategy of lowering my standards. Having low standards is a discipline on its own, but also helps reduce the workload and the stress resulting from a poorly done job.

  26. I’m extremely impressed that you fold the fitted sheet. I wad mine up in a ball and hide them behind the folded towels in the linen closet.

  27. I so identify with that point-of-no-return panic. More than once, I’ve fallen asleep on the couch only to stumble upstairs at 3 AM to find I’d over-procrastinated and never put the clean sheets on. The worst. One of the main reasons I married my husband was that he doesn’t like the sheet tucked under the mattress – it’s one less thing to do.

  28. I love this. I thought I was the only one who took *breaks* and looked at the ceiling fan.
    Living with someone does not mean they will help you with the bed sheets either, It takes twice as long if I ask Spice to join me, And the door needs to be closed until the bed is fully made again. Or the cat will jump up and spread out like a kite. Have you ever tried moving a 20+ lb cat? ;)

  29. Ah, yes. The semi-annual changing-of-the-sheets festival. I know it well…
    Single here, too. Obviously. ;)

  30. My husband really does not care how well the bed is made as long as the sheets are clean. As long as the bottom sheet is tucked in and stays on, I don’t use a top sheet anyway..we both use individual blankets to adhere to our own needs. He is the hot one and I am the cold one. Makes it easier that way. Have you ever heard of the unmade bed look? I hear its in style now.

  31. I have a superking bed, and with that comes a superking duvet, which I firmly believe is at least 25ft wide.
    Changing that is like trying to push jelly uphill.
    Nightmare.

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