Couchgating 101

Unless you’re new here, you know that I love sports. If you’re new here, you should know that I love sports.

I watch them on TV. I listen to sports talk radio 95 percent of the time. If someone approaches me for an intelligent discussion about baseball or anything/anyone on ESPN, it’s like flipping a switch. You instantly have my attention.

Sports get me. I get sports.

But I have to confess that as much as I love watching and talking about the games, I don’t always enjoy watching the games at the games. Overpriced parking, $5 bottles of water and expensive tickets just to sit in a cramped seat next to a drunken fool who spends the whole game screaming obscenities through a bullhorn? No thanks. 

I know, I know. Nothing can replace the atmosphere of attending an event live and I do enjoy going once in awhile, but with few extreme exceptions, the only thing I’m parking is my ass on the couch.

couch3

My couch gets me. I get my couch.

So what do you get when you combine sports and the couch? Couchgating*, the underrated yet superior alternative to traditional tailgating and game viewing. Unlike the rigid rules associated with attending an event—parking passes, assigned seats, having to wear pants—couchgating is much more relaxed, greatly improving the game day experience.

If you want to wear your favorite jersey, paint your face and ring a cowbell—looking at you mom—you can do so without judgment or death threats (depending on your neighbors, of course.)

And if you’re going more casual, you can even wear a cat hair-covered robe and judge every missed call like a much poorer, sports obsessed Judge Judy without anyone giving you “the look.”

“The look” can also be seen—and appropriately given—when stuck behind people on the concourse walking ridiculously slow who won’t let you pass as you try and make your way up to the concession stand.

Once there, said people will scour the limited menu as if deciphering Egyptian hieroglyphics, delaying your ability to secure an overpriced water bottle that will send you to the germ-infested toilet or claustrophobia-inducing Petri dish known as a Porto-Potty multiple times.

At home, there are no concession concessions (see what I did there?) needed, and the option to use a working toilet instead of climbing through rows of disgruntled fans to secure a spot in a 20 minute line to evacuate your bladder of the $5 water pretty much seals the deal for me. (In case you’re new here and haven’t left yet, I have a bladder the size of a Cheerio.)

I also overshare.

Anyway, the only “obstructed view seats” at home are when the cat does her rendition of “Riverdance”  in front of the TV to get my attention/catnip, the Wave can be done on your schedule without the pressure of waiting for your turn to stand and if the game sucks, you can just change the channel.

So while I admit that going to games can be fun, at the end of the game day for me, you know where I’ll probably be.

Couchgating gets me. I get couchgating.

*Note: In warmer weather, couchgating is replaced with deckgating, which is similar in structure but necessitates a lawn chair on the deck and a radio.

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24 responses to “Couchgating 101

  1. I certainly hope you’ve already TM’d and domained “couchgating.” Oh holy hell the domain goes to “the sports chef!” Perhaps “divangating.com?”

  2. Sofa surfacing lol is also my preferred method for watching sports. I also have a switch that goes off when someone brings up anything sports-related and somehow my marriage has survived this (um, yeah, my husband would rather watch a documentary than the ALCS, sigh). Cheers (holding up my neat, relatively-germ-free ice cold water bottle from home).

  3. while i cant relate to the baseball portion, i definitely agree about everything couchgating. id much rather pee in peace, eat the hippie meals i want, and scream and boo to my hearts content :)

  4. Loved this. I am the exact opposite. I CAN NOT watch televised sports. But get me to a game and I’m yelling and excited. I don’t buy the water but sometimes I have to use the horrible toilets, which I have great calves from hovering over, since I never sit on public toilet seats.
    Sean calls me “Thimble” I have to go pee so often. So I get your Cheerio bladder. I really do.

  5. I have my own couchgating, too. It’s brown not the nice green of yours. I think it’s better that I couchgate because the way my kids shame me with their “daddy, are you really going to yell at the tv?” and “daddy, the players can’t hear you” i pretty sure I’d end up in jail if I attended games.

    hilarious

  6. I agree! I’m big into couch-gating. (Although I gave up on the Boston Red Sox half way through the season, this year.) Now I’ll be couch-gating all the Boston Celtics games….42 inch tv, two clean bathrooms to pick from, munchies of my choice….it doesn’t get any better than that!

  7. When I am at the ballpark I wish we were home, so I can see the players up close. haha
    My husband would love that toaster.

  8. While I HATE watching sports on tv, I totally loved this post!

  9. Hahahah i love my futon. It’s perfect for all sorts of sitting related activities.

  10. You are the female version of my husband only I know you’re way better looking and he’s a hoarder.

  11. Hahaha. Thanks for the offer.

  12. I was just having this discussion the other day. Going to games is super fun, but at the end I wish I was just home on my couch in sweatpants. Couchgating FTW!

  13. This cracks me up! I am all in favor of Couchgating. Because my bladder is the size of a Cocoa Krispie.

  14. I had to use a port-a-potty at the fair the other day. Any opportunity to not have to do that is a good one.

  15. I’m exceedingly impressed that you can follow sports on the radio. I enjoy baseball but listening to it on the radio is like trying to understand Norwegian through an extra thick Scandinavian turtle neck sweater. That is, unclear.

  16. I feel very broken now because I wrote you this super long comment, then my computer went bonkers and every word of it was lost. In essense I said I am always amazed by how everything you say chimes with what I feel as well. I Love watching sports, but almost always from the couch. I’ve done the real games thing, but its always nice to be near a working kettle as you scream at the telly. Who needs the crowds anyway. Braver souls than us are already at the game anyway leaving us free to enjoy the comforts our of own livingroom and the nail bighting drama before us

  17. Oh yeah, couchgating is much preferred. Free snacks of and at your choosing, pants optional lounging and no jacked up alcohol prices. Plus, you can run around your living room, leaping around and cheering like a mad woman when your team does something good. Try to do THAT at the stadium. Pfft.

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