My Hairy Little Roommate

It’s been a few months since I got the cat, and I thought I should update you and let you know that I’m not a cat person.

Whee! I’m fat and catnipped!

Before you freak out, let me add the disclaimer that Monie is an awesome cat and I love her. But I’m a neurotic weirdo who’s still trying to be Zen about having this walking hairball that demands affection, sheds and forces me to say, “No lickey!” entirely more than I’m comfortable with.

But we’re roommates, and to be honest, I probably have the better part of the arrangement.

moniecouchtoy

While I have to deal with a creature that makes Gremlin noises and leaves the occasional hairball on the carpet—dramatic sigh—she has to deal with me jumping around the living room yelling with Jillian Michaels, dancing with the Swiffer and making up songs about catnip while trying to get the cat high.

The last verse of which is usually something about how I’ll probably die alone.

 Anyway, here are some things I’ve learned these past few months:

If there is a Hell, it’s covered in cat hair. If there is a Heaven, it includes the Bissell Pet Hair Eraser. And million dollar idea: yoga-type pants that are made of the same stuff as lint brushes. Run with that, people.

She also prefers the hard shelf to her leopard print cat bed because that makes total sense.

She does not enjoy me making her little arms “raise the roof” to “Hip Hop Hooray,” but she does seem to take delight in watching me try and capture a fly for 10 minutes. I think we’re doing this wrong.

Although she’s great about giving me my space when I workout, 40 minutes of yoga calm is instantly negated by the sound of the her hacking up a hairball in the next room. Namaste.

monietoys

Of all her toys, this is one that she will put in her mouth and carry around while growling. I found it on my pillow once. Affection or warning? TBD.

I never feel more inferior than when she watches me scoop out her shitbox. It’s not that she’s mocking me, but I swear her gaze says, “More enthusiasm, and with a smile. You missed a spot.”

While many cats are motivated by food and reinforce the “I want affection for 1.2 seconds, after which time I will claw you to escape from your overbearing presence” stereotype, she does neither. On the other hand, I just described myself.

536421_3939989498298_1498835538_n

“Oh, hello. I will sit in this stupid bed for five seconds before leaving to get my head stuck in your flip-flop and then bolting across the room.”

The term “scaredy cat” doesn’t really apply. I can “Riverdance” across the living room floor or yell at her for making risotto like a fat cow while watching “Kitchen Nightmares” and she doesn’t budge. The vacuum does provoke a little fear, but that could be because I usually end up lassoing the ridiculously long cord around like a demented cowgirl.

Anyway, to summarize, I’ve learned I’m really not a cat person.

But unlike stories I’ve heard about other roommates, I’ve never come home to find she went on a crazy (catnip) bender that resulted in her piercing her multiple teats and ordering mass quantities of Snuggies off QVC. And while she has yet to pay rent or learn how to flush, she can make me laugh and puts up with my neurosis while simultaneously contributing to it.

I just thank god this cat can’t blog.

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47 responses to “My Hairy Little Roommate

  1. That would be an interesting book. A ground level peek into your life. And would probably be a best seller and outsell any books that we’d all collectively write!!

    Great blog and beautiful kitty!!
    Teri
    Snarkfest

  2. You’re not fooling anyone. You liiiiike her. Admit it!

  3. Hahaha what a cute kitty. How can you not love her? I want to snuggle it.

  4. The photo of her sitting on the blanket, opposite the towel you want her to sit on is the epitome of why cats are total ass-holes. Oh, and the photo of her sleeping on the shelf, and not in her bed. That’s classic ass-holery right there.

    All in all, cats are ass-holes.

    My cat is the biggest ass-hole ever.

  5. Nevertheless, she’s extremely cute.

    • That’s the only reason they can get away with it and I can’t. And you have the best cat pictures ever. Monie could take notes if I would let her Skype with Lily…

  6. Every time I see a cat, I have this strange feeling like they are planning to kill me. So, good luck with that.

    She’s super cute, though.

  7. Thank goodness I’m allergic… I’ll never get all mushy and bring one home on accident (nor shall my husband!)

  8. I have three cats. I laughed until I cried. As for the litter box? Mine line up to watch me. And they are definitely mocking me.

  9. I’d love to hear what kitty had to say about sharing living space with you! She is adorable. But I must agree with you on the shedding issue–argh! And WHY do cats always want to sit on you the minute you don yoga pants?

  10. I hear a lot of people have trouble defining the word Irony.

    Those people have never heard my wife sweetly tell everyone how she’s a “dog person”… and then watch her interact with my chocolate lab for five minutes.

  11. she just needs love. what lessons they all teach us if we just paid more attention.

  12. I had cats for years, until I found out I was allergic to them and that was why I was always getting sinus infections. I kind of miss having one sometimes, though.

  13. I love this! I love my cats but I am still not a cat person. I have double sided sticky tape on everything. I brush the couches once a week. I need that Bissell thing I believe.

    And I SWEAR every morning when I clean the litterbox then sweep around it, they purposely lie in wait so that they can immediately climb in and knock a bunch of litter back out on to the floor. They are laughing at me. I just know they are.

    I need to get my cats some toys. This morning they were batting around one of my USB drives.

  14. I feel like you’re very much like my friend Mon. She’s very clean and tidy all the time, but has two cats that make a whirlwind out of her apartment. They seem to be the exception to her OCD cleanliness.

    My friend has a massive dog that he has to swiffer after every single day. I don’t know why people do it… I guess I’m just not a pet person. Watch me eat this statement next year.

    • To be honest, minus the hair, she’s actually really clean and tidy herself. She’s like this little four-legged thing that knows I’m a weirdo but loves me anyway. I think. She could be plotting.

  15. She’s so adorable!

    And the toys on the pillow? Total compliment. My cats are nice enough to hide their toy mouse between my sheets and in my boots. It’s always interesting to find something hairy when you weren’t expecting it…especially in the dark. Keeps life interesting, though.

  16. Haha this made me laugh!! I can definitely relate to these points. Every time I scoop my cat’s poop, he gets straight back in the litterbox to mess with me. He also has a hair tie fetish. His latest trick was opening a drawer, wooden box AND a plastic container to get to my hair tie in exactly 3.5 seconds. He is INSANE.

  17. All reasons making me want to get a cat again. :) But, I have to wait until we’re not going off on trips every month.

  18. Ha! Expecting her to curl up on a towel you want her to curl up on. You need to start acting really protective of it. Spill something near it and lunge to save it, etc. Once you’ve shown it’s value, maybe then she’ll decide to get cat hair all over it.

  19. This made me laugh:

    “More enthusiasm, and with a smile. You missed a spot.”

    It’s also why I bought one of those electric-automatic scooper kitty litter boxes.

  20. I’m worried about that toy on your pillow . . . But that’s partly because I know for a fact that my cat’s trying to kill me. Oh, wait, maybe I meant *annoy* me. Though sometimes it seems like he’s trying to annoy me to death, if that’s a thing.

  21. This sums up the cat/human dynamic so well! I was a reluctant cat person, but now I’m kind of obsessed with mine. They have a way of totally winning you over.

  22. “While many cats are motivated by food and reinforce the “I want affection for 1.2 seconds, after which time I will claw you to escape from your overbearing presence” stereotype, she does neither. On the other hand, I just described myself.” This had me laughing louder than expected which woke Leo up from his nap. Sometimes I think I married a puppy. I’m not a cat person either, cat people freak me out. When we compare a chick to being like a cat – “catty” we never are saying anything nice are we? Who would WANT to be a cat person???

    p.s. and I agree, the fact we scoop the stuff out of the cat litter just proves our inferiority

  23. I am a cat person, though there are many times I don’t understand why. (Two of my cats are expertly ignoring me right now.) Mostly I can’t figure out how something that size sheds so damn much.

  24. Yeah, I pretty much feel the same way towards my cat…

  25. I have to confess to NOT being a cat lover. I like other people’s cats if it’s a good cat and not one of those anti social cats. You know, the ones who lower themselves to eating the food you provide and allow themselves to only briefly be petted once per day to a chorus of eye rolls. My mom had one of those. Copper Kitty was her name. Standoffish was her game. Your cat seems nice though. The flip flop things sounds very entertaining. Also, I do enjoy pictures of cats doing funny things. Perhaps that does make me a cat person after all. Who knows.

  26. Absolutely love this post! It totally cracked me up. Pets are truly wonderful even when they are a complete pain in the ass. We all need to be pushed out of our comfort zones and the little buggers are really good at doing that. I have to say that I am tired of my cat throwing up almost exclusively on the light colored carpeting. Although, I did notice the other day that he heaved all over the bathroom sink. That’s a new one. As if I need more excuses to clean.

  27. Ah yes…cats. I wasn’t a cat person at all until I got a cat. How did I end up with one? Well, who really knows other than that he was cute and I was in a mood. So I rescued him. Then when we moved out of my parents’ house and away from the family dog, he seemed lonely so I got another cat.

    I’m still not a cat person…they do some really annoying shit. But they’re pretty awesome in their own right. I mean, what other animal wouldn’t care two shits about pleasing you when you’re the source of it’s food and shelter?

  28. “And million dollar idea: yoga-type pants that are made of the same stuff as lint brushes. Run with that, people.”

    Oh snap! You need to patent that idea ASAP!!!!

  29. I am sure you are capable of being affectionate for slightly longer than a cat, but you are certainly very humerous about them. Isn’t it odd how we become even weirder trying to fit in with their schedules and habits. If someone calls and we are holding a can of spray and wearing a crazy smile all you have to say is, “Its the cat you know” and all will be understood. What is she like at crosswords ?

  30. This post had me laughing so hard! When I visit my parents’ house, I often have many of the same thoughts- mostly that their cats are merely tolerating me from across the room and counting the seconds until the intruder sitting on their couch is gone.

  31. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    Hehe. That is a big cat. I like big cats because I feel like they aren’t supposed to be that big. What a rebel.

  32. Ah, life with cats. My cat ignored his nice bed for YEARS until I put it inside a really ugly cardboard box, at which point it suddenly became a good place to sleep.

    I am really jealous of your pet hair eraser. There is a lot of erasing that could stand to happen around this joint.

  33. She is adorable! :)
    I am a cat person, and I found this post so true… and hilarious.
    Fluff had no muscles to cushion his bones, and I had pillows and blankets everywhere… and he always chose an empty, blanketless, book shelf.

    Cats are so ridiculously entertaining. But I could definitely do with a helluva lot less hair all over the place… (the number of mornings I have had to peel a cat hair off of my eyeball… ick.)

  34. It’s not that cats can’t blog, it’s that they won’t blog unless someone else does all that pesky typing. lazy bastards.

  35. That YouTube video was great.
    Your Monie could be a twin to our Spaz. ;)

  36. Love it…good stuff! You have a gift girlie!

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