The quote below has always been one of my favorites, but until recently I never really put it much into practice.
“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path” ~ coehlo
This is where I tell you if you’re here for grocery cart drama or drunk nuns, you should probably skip over this post, as I’m going to philosophize a bit. If you choose to stick around, buckle up (and quit rolling your eyes.)
I’m making changes—not just empty, sweeping declarations — and it all comes down to one word:
Why am I doing what I’m doing? Why am I living a life that is full of disconnect between my authentic beliefs and the seemingly contradictory actions that follow? Why is my mind full of things that really don’t matter to me, but that I tell myself still do?
Insecurity can lead me to look outside of myself for guidance, validation and the way things have to be done. Heck, even when I look inside myself at times, I often smother the rational voice in favor of familiarity, distraction and ease.
Needless to say, this struggle is stressful and damaging. It’s been more than a decade of severe depression, exercise addiction and living each day waiting for the one answer that would change things, make things right, make me happy and content with my life.
It’s been a decade of survival, of “retreating into intellectualizing everything and just being a quiet observer of life rather than fully immersing myself in it,” as a wise woman once shared.
The problem is that through all my searching, I never found that “one” answer I needed, but rather the answers for somebody else. Trying to hold myself up to some conflicting standard I’ve imposed is really the source of my struggle and imbalance.
So I come back to the question of “Why?”
Why haven’t I let go of false assumptions, limiting beliefs and habits that don’t serve me? Why can’t I forget who I was yesterday, last year or a decade ago? Why can’t I let myself be the person I feel I should be? Well, I can and I will.
But in order for a new beginning, there needs to be an ending.
The old behavior —we all know what that is — must be faced and renounced. I have to cut ties with what no longer serves me other than causing me (self-inflicted) imbalance. But before I can let go completely, the way has to be paved for a new one. I want to feel relief at releasing that burden and experience it as the start of something new, not the loss of something important.
That all sounds fine and dandy, now doesn’t it?
Well, don’t kid yourself. Sure, the whole, “enlightenment and peace” package sounds great, but the “release the chains of exercise, mindless computer time, comfortable routines, isolation and basically everything you’ve come to know as an adult” thing sounds like a pain in the ass. As maladaptive as it is, I’ve become extremely comfortable with being uncomfortable.
But you know what?
My answers will always be out of sync until I start living an authentic life, until I surround myself with like-minded people and things that honor my (true) interests and not those of my ego. I’ve dipped my toe in in the past, but it’s time to jump in with both feet.
And no, this isn’t going to suddenly become a vegan Buddhist blog completely void of sarcastic rambles and snark. I like to keep things lighter here, and plus, I’m a smartass. But there will be some changes on my end and I’m refocusing the time that I spend to align with the things I want healing and filling my body and mind.
I have a lot to say, and this is the place I can say it (not this post though, as it’s already ridiculously long.) I will still be here blogging as I forge this path of change, bastard groundhogs, vegan lifestyle, Buddha and spending the day watching nuns and seniors in wheelchairs dirty dance with an Elvis impersonator (spoiler alert: that’s my next post.)
Because what we resist persists, and I don’t want to resist anymore. Plus, I have issues. We all do.
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