Don’t Be A Filbert

Lately I’ve just wanted to shut my brain off and avoid any sort of deep thinking whatsoever.

As a result, my tweets and updates usually end up being something along the lines of,  “If Bobby Flay doesn’t have another daughter and name her Sue, he’s not doing life right” and “I can’t help but feel that if quinoa were a person, it would be that friend that insisted you call him “Steff-on” and not “Stephen.”

In other words, deeply introspective stuff here people.

Side note: I actually know one person named “Steff-on” who despite interacting with me on and off for the past decade, still calls me “Amy” when we run into each other. I call him Steve.

Anyway, the quinoa (keen-wah) thing got me thinking that there are certain foods that carry with them a preconceived/stereotypical idea of how they would be if they were people—like the high-maintenance “quinoa” referenced above, who I picture pulling an eye muscle from excessive rolling at my delight in going to Target or drinking red wine from a box.

So let’s begin.

Wait. Another side note because I don’t know where else to put it: I realize a lot of non-veggie people think some of these foods are weird, but play along.

Don’t be a filbert.

See? There’s one right there! I picture a filbert—a kind of hazelnut—being like Dilbert, a clumsy nerd with no appreciation for rambling blog posts about certain foods. So I repeat, do not be a filbert.

Chickpeas—named as such because “dudepeas” didn’t have quite the same ring, they would be a real gas to hang around with and always willing to go for a dip. Because she comes from a mixed background—both Middle Eastern and Spanish—she’s sometimes referred to as “Garbanzo” and throws out that card when she needs to get into a hot Latin club.

Seitan (sey-tan)—I think the name of this mock meat made of wheat gluten says it all, don’t you? Odds are you would never hear of a Pope Seitan or Sister Seitan. And even though she might be nice, let’s be honest — would you trust a babysitter with that name? I think not.

Pepita—Also answering to the nickname “Pumpkin,” this often salty gal would be spunky and the life of the party. 

Pâté –She’s not that appealing on her own. As such, she uses a fancy pronunciation of her name—do NOT call her Patty—and tries to blend in with Pepita to appear more attractive. She would most likely date a “Steff-an” and go through life holding in all bodily functions. 

Worcestershire — (WUUS-tur-shur) This is the foreign friend with the name no one can ever pronounce. As such, they go by the nickname “W” or “that foreign friend with the name no one can ever pronounce.”

Prunes—Considered nerdy and old-fashioned only because they’re full of great information and not quite as sexy as their plum siblings. However, they’re dependable, get things moving and get the job done.

Tofu — Completely bland with a distinct lack of personality, willing to shape itself into whatever group is currently hip or trendy (can also cause intestinal distress to those with an intolerance for bullshit — and soy — such as myself.)

Kale — He’s become quite the popular dude since switching over from the traditional “Cal” spelling and establishing himself as a powerhouse of sorts. However, years of being misunderstood have left him a bit bitter, but a quick massage of his ego will leave him tender and much more enjoyable.

Oranges — Sigh…I picture Orange being like the seventh child to parents who have given up trying to be creative with names and resigned themselves to the obvious, kind of like “Junior” or “Tiny.” Orange will have developed a thick skin accordingly.

I could go on, but that would negate the whole “shutting my brain off” thing. So instead it’s your turn to bring something to this personality potluck in the comments.

Food. Personality. Go. Don’t be a filbert.

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29 responses to “Don’t Be A Filbert

  1. Took me a second to get Sue Flay (it’s early! Cut me some slack), but when I did I laughed loudly and snortily. Is snortily a word? Probably not, but you get the idea.

  2. Hahahah these are cute! I like Chickpeas. She sounds like a partier.

  3. I missed both of those tweets and love them both — that’s the only problem with Twitter – it moves so damn fast!

  4. Let’s just hope Kale doesn’t decide to go postal one of these days when the whole juicing/cleanse thing goes back out of vogue.

  5. First time here. And if this is you not thinking? I’m cool with thoughtless posts. It spoke to me. Especially quinoa, which I spent a LONG time pronouncing as if it rhymed with Winona. And as I result, I always pictured this innocent-looking little grain as having irrepressible kleptomania.

  6. I thought your Bobby Flay tweet was hilarious! And it’s funny, my mother’s family always called hazelnuts “filberts.” I thought that was so weird. I’m glad someone else knows the term!

  7. I imagine Kale is great in theory, but once you actually meet him — underwhelming.

  8. ha! I just used Kale in a Blogher inspired flash fiction piece. She was actually a likable character. I feel good about that.

    I think Tofu should be caleld Footfu because it smells and I assume tastes like feet.

    • I actually really loved tofu before I couldn’t eat it anymore. It has no smell or taste on it’s own, which means you can make it into pretty much anything you want. Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it…then feel free to snark ;)

  9. HAHA! I haaaaate the way quinoa is pronounced. I have a feeling it’s much less prevalent here in the UK than it is in the US. No matter how many times I tell the guys I work with that they’re eating “keen-wah” they continue to pronounce it wrong. There’s a cafe I buy my lunch from occasionally and I have to actually pronounce it as it’s spelt or they give me this look like I’m crazy.

  10. just keep swimming

    I would desperately want to hang out with the chickpeas, but they would be too cool for me and I’d get stuck hanging with the prunes who would actually be super cool.

    Brazil nut – as proportionality bigger than other nuts in your mixed nut assortment as the actual country is to its smaller South American neighbors. Also a little bland much like Brazil during every week that isn’t Carnival.

    • Yes! Thank you for playing along, as no one else has added to the perishable personality potluck. And even though I eat chickpeas every day, I will still go and hang with you and the prunes.

  11. Since you’re a Michigander:

    Pasty (PASS-tee) – A hearty, blue collar, meat and potatoes kind of guy who loves hockey and cheap beer. He is trying to grow from his uniformly Casper-like caucasian heritage and is uncomfortable being called pasty (PACE-tee). More important, our friend’s adoration of breasts is only surpassed by his hatred of devices that cover them at strip clubs. If you call him a pastie he’ll punch you right in your Communist mouth.

  12. All my life I have aimed and worked at being a Pepita. From now on I shall be called Pepita Loca (last name, it rhymes and has a certain je-ne-sais-quoi)

  13. Aubergine – Eggplant’s drag queen name. He had a yen for purple satin and the stage. Although he was a little bottom heavy, he camouflaged with it nicely with a coordinating boa.

  14. I have nothing real to add to the conversation except to embarrass myself by admitting that I thought the title of this post was Don’t Be a Flirt. You may now mock me…

  15. I hear Kale is getting baked left and right these days.

  16. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    Last season on The Bachelorette (99% certain you were not watching) some guy was like “Oh this is great stuff. This is kin-o-yah. Have you heard of it?” trying to look all cultured and stuff. He even repeated his pronunciation slaughter like three times. Scenes like that are the reason I still watch that show. People trying to be awesome when they’re clearly Filberts. And the girl both did not know what he was talking or how bizarrely he was saying it so that made it even better.

  17. What a cute post, Abby. I do think of certain foods as personalities, too.

    I would kind of like be Miso– completely self-absorbed (me-so…get it? har har), sometimes stinky (from kimchi breath and burps), sometimes sweet, full of flavor and character (good and bad). She’s the person who can surprise you with hidden unique characteristics, despite looking and acting like a turd. Also, quite obviously, Asian.

  18. im gonna have to think about your email…of course you could always just wing it, but ill try and come up with something and get back to you :)

  19. Zucchini – the cool-ass American brother of the dowdy English courgette.

  20. True story. I needed hazelnuts for a recipe. And I go to the grocery store. And there are none. Zero. Not a single one. But there were these things that looked familiar called “filberts”. Thank goodness for smart phones and google. I had never heard them called that until that day in the grocery store like 3 years ago.

    Also somewhat related… I just learned this weekend, that there are two ways to pronounce “Leslie” and I’ve been doing it ‘wrong’. Or, I’ve been doing it like a mainlander and not like a Newfoundlander. I’m told I say “Lesslee” and it should be “Lezlee”. My friend Lesley doesn’t so much care and has never pointed this out to me before.. but I met a Leslie this weekend who LOSES HER MIND when someone calls her “Lesslie”. What the hell, people. It’s a very slight difference. Calm down.

    Anyhow, delightful post. I completely agree with you in regards to Quinoa.

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