The Campaign Trail

There are two things I will probably never ever write about with any seriousness on this blog—religion and politics.

me-for-president

That would be because I’m not religious (although I give the stereotypical eye roll-inducing response that I’m spiritual) and I hate politics. So instead of debating either, I will accept the label of being an apathetic heathen.

Don’t tell my grandma.

But it’s already started—the unsolicited phone calls from automated political headquarters, yards filled with signs endorsing candidates for elected positions I never knew existed and the annoying ads on TV.

You can’t avoid it and they’re all the same.

If a candidate really wanted to get my attention, he/she would make an effort to differentiate their platform somehow. Down with spending millions of dollars on a campaign instead of actually fixing the roads or funding the schools! Down with the attack ads claiming their opponent hates kittens and sunshine!

That negativity doesn’t endear them to me.

Just once I would love for a commercial to end with, “I’m (insert name of candidate here), and I once woke up in the back of a horse trailer with a bra wrapped around my head and the smell of Jager floating up in the air. I approve this message.”

In fact, I would actually endorse a candidate that approved of the following messages and made them part of their platform:

  • Yoga/workout pants will now join khakis as being classified as “business casual,” even if smattered with cat hair (hypothetically speaking.) 
  • All 20-year old girls who shriek, “OMG, I’m getting so old, you guys!” will be exiled to a special hut where they will be forced to listen to John Tesh albums and clean mini-blinds.
  • The Fashion Police will be given adequate resources to affect change in the area of footwear—people wearing sandals must not have nasty feet and anyone wearing Crocs is not allowed to be upset when not taken seriously.
  • Companies that send you an email confirming your unsubscription from their emails will be sent an email informing them that’s why you are unsubscribing from their emails and then banned from All The Internets.
  • If the toilet paper roll is installed in improper underhand fashion anywhere and you are not able to correctly adjust it, you have permission to leave and go somewhere else where it’s “right.”
  • Most of the ridiculous words added to the Oxford Online Dictionary—such as “Grrr,” “Totes” and “Woot”—will be removed to include useful ones, such as “Peegret”: The regret you experience when you leave hastily from a location without relieving yourself.
  • There will be no such thing as gay marriage. It will henceforth just be called “marriage,” as that’s what the hell it is.

My name is Abby, and I would approve of this message.

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34 responses to “The Campaign Trail

  1. i approve of your approvals. but akshully its w00t, not Woot. i suppose either way it belongs in the urban dict. not websters. ok you won me.

  2. Here! Here! You would definitely have my vote. I used to have such passion for politics. Now I just think they’re all assholes, some just worse than others. And does campaign season every actually end? I don’t recall where the last time was when we weren’t electing someone to something. A monarchy is beginning to sound very appealing right about now.

  3. Very funny post. I would like to add a slogan to your list:
    Any food mfg/vendor that labels something as “vegan” or “gluten free” (or whatever other fad comes along), that is naturally that way (e.g. plain potato chips, seaweed [saw that one a few min. ago]) will be banned from the market place. And forced to apologize to the public for assuming they are dumb.

  4. Ahahaha great ideas! The election is stressful – I’m feeling really strongly about one candidate/party over the other. It’s getting harder and harder to NOT bring it up on the blog. Sigh.

  5. I like your campaign platform! You have my vote!

  6. I’d like to propose you:
    1) add that the usage of the words “recap” and “yolo” be subject to fines.
    2) Kim Kardashian needs to pay 98% of her earning to taxes
    You always have my vote.

  7. You had me with “clean the mini blinds”
    Voting for you

  8. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    Hilarious. I think that could be a long list. I agree about the gluten free and food labeling comment. Sometimes I see a bottle of water that says “Gluten free” or “fat free” and I feel like it’s about time for the earth to explode and humanity to start over.

  9. can i vote for you instead?

    • While I appreciated the nomination, I don’t think I’m up for the job. All that shaking hands and kissing babies would require ridiculous amounts of hand sanitizer.

  10. I saw a yard sign promoting someone for Drain Commissioner. WTH is that??? And they’re running AGAINST someone else, meaning there are at least 2 people who know what that is and want to do it. Mind boggling.

  11. Peegret is my new favorite word. I will be using that all the time because I have peegret all the time. I also approve of you approving this message. Nicely said.

  12. Love this. I have to put myself on a news fast, because all of this election coverage is making my skin itch.

  13. I’d totally vote for you…especially since all I own are yoga pants. That would help me in the job market considerably…wait! Can a Canadian vote in this election? I think an exception should be made for me.

  14. Love this! I’m lucky enough that I can wear yoga pants to the office already!

  15. Love it! I would also add that anyone driving a Minivan must pass a test proving that he or she is not incompetent at parking in supermarket lots. Really, anywhere for that matter.

  16. Your approval rating with me is 101 percent.

    Apathetic Heathen should be the name of your band. You have until November to copyright it or I’ll stela it for a Helene Troy sequel or another story. Rock on.

    hilarious

  17. Laughing about the John Tesh and mini-blinds! What an appropriate fate.

  18. Ooh, I love the clean mini blinds torture… that is a good one!

  19. Nice. I’m not sure what I’d put on my platform, but yours gave me a good laugh!

  20. Now see? Peegret is a totally useful word. Woot? Um. That’s a sound. So no…

    I don’t discuss politics and/or religion, either. Both are relatively messy subjects I’d hate to introduce to the blog. Plus, I talk mostly about running and food and stuff. So unless Obama starts training for a half marathon, I really have no reason to mention him.

  21. I am endorsing your candidate about the yoga pants, and the sandals with nasty feet. I haven’t voted since ’92 but if these things were mentioned, I may start voting again.

  22. Woot is not even a word. I’ve never, ever heard it uttered by anyone I know, only written. Maybe I run with the wrong crowd (a crowd that uses actual words?) but Woot is just like random ridiculousness to me.

    “Totes,” on the other hand, can only be uttered in sarcastic jest. If it’s used in a real way…that person and I can never truly be friends.

  23. I highly support all of these ideas. As a fellow apathetic heathen, I feel our concerns are often ignored by today’s politicians.

  24. Today I heard an ad for a woman who is campaigning to become a senator. Most of the ad revolved around the fact that her opponent missed 80% of the hearings he was supposed to attend. I forget what the concluding statement of her ad was, but in my mind it went something like, “Blah blah for Senate. Because I haven’t had a chance to disappoint you yet.”

  25. Love Peegret…I experience that all too often.

  26. Where should I send my campaign contributions? Before you tell me you should know that as of right now, my contributions will only consist of some sticky notes with words of encouragement on them and an assortment of cinnamon flavored gum.

  27. How about you run? You would have my vote, and I would totally put your campaign sign in my yard. Underhanded toilet roll placement drives me BONKERS.

    • HEABS! You should run yourself, as I’m sure you’re not busy with a little one and new twins or anything. I would totally give you my vote based on your recipe section alone ;)

  28. I think I just fell in love with you. And this is the only post of yours I’ve read. Where have you been all my life?!?!

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